[SweetCrusader]

Does it tick anyone else off that mothers seem to get all the blame when a child is neglected in a TWO parent home? The feminist in me just cringes at this. It's like, ok, and the father was what- an innocent bystander?

In my own therapy, dealing with this issue, I felt like it got put on my mom WAY too much. And I had a feminist T! I emailed her recently and told her how I felt about it. But I haven't received an answer from that email because shortly thereafter I had a couple of crises, and she's been dealing with those instead for the time being. But I'm fairly certain she would agree with me, now that it's been pointed out. Neither one of my parents provided adequate care. My dad being male should not exempt him from providing a safe living environment for his children.

Anyway, just wondering if this has been anyone else's experience and if it ticks you off, too!

[SylverFlames]

*shrugs* I've had opposite experience, my mom is always told how amazing of a mother she was, despite the fact that she was so wrapped up in her own problems that she didn't even realize what my dad and her boyfriend were doing to me. She was an awful mother, but because she put up with my dad and us three kids while going through all of her mental problems, everyone thinks she's great. I mean, yes my dad was awful too, and a horrible person, but she deserves some of the blame as well for not doing anything about it when she could have.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((Sylver))))))) I can totally see where you are coming from. I'm sorry your mother didn't do her job as a parent and protect you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I was referring more to physical neglect. (Not to discount what your mother did- because that was also neglectful, Sylver). I mean like providing a clean, safe home and caring for physical needs. It seems like the mother is generally held more responsible for this than the father- even though it should be the responsibility of BOTH parents to care for their children. Know what I mean?

Angela

[SylverFlames]

yeah, I understand. But that's society's stereotype. It goes the same way for the father if the family is poor, because it's supposed to be his job to make the money.

And yes, it is frustrating, I agree, cause yeah, both parents are supposed to provide equally for the child in all ways, not just gender specific roles.

[NicoleB]

((((((Angela))))))))
I guess I never really though about this. I blame my mother for a lot of things, like neglecting us. Although if anyone else ever says anything bad about my mom I get very angry. I dont blame my father for the neglect near as much.Thanks for pointing this out, It gives me something to think about.
Nicole

[ktp]

Angela:

I really never had this problem. With my mom, it was abandonment and emotional/physical neglect, not environmental. She is an absolute neatfreak.

In my dad's home (they divorced when I was young) he and my stepmother shared duties in the house..Keeping it cleaned, etc. except they did that by shouldering it off on the 4 children they had. (my brother and I and her two kids) So , needless to say it wasn't a very clean upbringing. We had nice houses but roaches, and other pests. Disgusting.

I think in that case they're both to blame. No more she than he.

Take Care.
Kimberly

[Genesis]

The neglect came from both parents but because my mom had custody of me when she and my dad split, she got the brunt of it because SHE was the sole provider until I was 18.

When they split, my dad told her; "You're the one who left. She's your problem now." He actually said that! So the little respect I had for him went AWAY...FAR AWAY after that comment.

As for my mom, she had her own life and worries. She left me to live with my aunt and uncle for 3 years so she could go out and party every night.

I take my frustrations out on her the most because when I was living with her, there was never any food in the house, I was left alone to do whatever at 11 and 12 years old for days, there was a different man in my house every week, she "pimped me out" to an ex by showing him a photo of me in a bikini when I was 13 years old, she coerced me into aborting that same guy's baby when I was 15 years old. And all she can say is she's sorry. Sorry for what, mom? Ruining my childhood?!

My dad never gets a phone call, letter, or visit. When I do see him, it's small talk and nothing else because I've tried to talk to him about my feelings but he won't admit to any wrong doing at all.

They both get the backlash from me, but in different ways.

[SweetCrusader]

Genesis,

I cannot believe your parents! I'm so sorry your childhood was like that!

[wisewoman]

Sweet, I think you areyoung enough to be my daughter. I too am a feminist. However, I am a mother and I have very deep instincts to protect and nuture. My mother tortured and abused. My father was a drunk who didn't have any responsibility for the 9 of us. He kept a job until retirement is all. I do not feel sorry for my mother, she made her choices. She was poor and having to figure out how to feed us but she was selfish and horrible. He at least could be more gentle. But as a grown up I see him as just as wrong as her because he allowed it. He never fought her and became her ambassader for inflicting torture. I hold her more responsible. She carried me for nine months, I cringe at the thought of being so near that woman, and she never cherished or protected me. All he did was spill seed.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((((wisewoman))))))))))

I think most of the women here are old enough to be my mother! My mom is only 43.

I can see where you are coming from, and I did NOT mean to make small the things that happened to you in your life. I hope that you know that.

Angela

[ktp]

Genesis:

I am so sorry you grew up that way. I want to offer you the safest of ((((Hugs)))).

Take Care of yourself.
Kimberly.

[ktp]

WiseWoman:

I am so sorry for all you had to go through. I understand completely where you're coming from, we've discussed this on another thread. You have every right to feel the way you do, and I want to send you good thoughts and offer you big bear (((((((Hugs))))))

I hope you're taking care of you !

Kimberly.

[ktp]

:P I've got you beat Angela...I'm 27 (be 28 in a couple of months) and my mother is 44. LOL.

I don't feel so much like a young'en, though, like when I was your age even. BIG GAP, I KNOW. lol.

Take care.
Kimberly

[dalila]

My mother was never the same parent -- one day she was all I could wish for and the next she might be abusive or neglectful, I never knew who she would be. My dad did his best, when he caught her abusing me, he stopped it and tried to get help for her. Sometimes the men are not around enough to know who is truely the problem.
~d~

[SweetCrusader]

I am not referring to situations like that. I am referring to the fact that even when men and women are both working full time, if the kids needs don't get met, it gets blamed on the mother as if she was just home all day and doing nothing- when in reality both parents are working, so both need to contribute and therefore it is the fault of BOTH parents when a kid is neglected. But this is not generally taken into account. It is generally put on the mom with NO consideration of the father's role.

I am NOT referring to abuse. I am referring only to neglect.

I am not trying to minimize the fact that mothers abuse. I feel like my point has not been taken.

I'm sorry for everyone who was abused and neglected by their mother. All I am saying is that neglect gets pinned on the mother sometimes when the blame should lie with both parents. THAT is what this thread is about.

Sorry if I invalidated someone's feelings

[Genesis]

Hmm...yep, I missed your point. Sorry 'bout that.

I agree, and I am blamed by my family when my kids "aren't getting enough attention at home." Instead of my husband being accountable, I take the blame all on my own.

I'm not playing the victim, don't get me wrong. I know I should spend more time with them, but when I'm doing my homework or trying to clean house or even get something made for dinner, I'm accused of neglecting them. But because my husband works outside the home, he's 'allowed' to come home and do nothing, not even play with or pay attention to our boys.

I have an old fashioned family and the women think I should be the sole caregiver. I hate it when they accuse me of neglecting my kids!

[kimmydawn]

i appreciate your post. i understand so much what you're saying. here, for years, i never blamed the mother for anything. i put her as a larger victim than i because that's what she wanted me to believe. she focused so much on her "drama queen" self that she totally neglected me and the abuses i suffered. she wouldn't see what was happening to me because, even tho i was a child, i was supposed to make her life better somehow.

it took me a long time to change the view of my mother from victim to accomplice to abuse...she could have stopped what was happening to me. she kept everything secret.

i agree with you. the father here was blamed for so much...more even than he deserved (and he deserved plenty). he was an easier target for all of the blame because he was so outwardly mean. maybe that's how it is with the mothers because they're the main caretakers in most homes? i see what you're saying tho, but here it was in reverse...the father got blame he didn't deserve and the mother got none. now, things are clearer. the father has his role he played, and the mother, hers. any way you look at it, they BOTH failed they're children in many ways.

((((((((((((( safe hugs )))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

(((((kimmydawn))))))

I see what you are saying, and I can relate. I blamed my father for everything because he was physically abusive, and emotionally abusive in a much more obvious and deliberate way than my mother was.

When I got deeper than that level in therapy, and began to deal with enmeshment issues with my mother, and neglect issues, I felt like the neglect issues got totally pinned on my mother- but both should have the blame for that aspect.

I admit it is very hard for me still to blame my mother about anything, and I DEFINITELY know what you mean about feeling like you have to fix everything for her.

(((((((Genesis)))))))))
It's ok. I think my response was a bit dramatic. I just felt really a lot like people (not you in particular) had come in and taken away my discussion of what was bothering me. I wanted to talk about this because I am still trying to learn to hold my dad accountable for the way our house looked and ran (or didn't). I still blame it on my mother, and I think that's a cultural issue- similar to what you were saying

Thanks for your input everyone
Angela

[ktp]

(((((Angela)))))

If I was one of those people, I apologize. I would never want to minimize your feelings.

take care,
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

I don't even remember who it was. So yeah if it was you, you're forgiven. But I don't know if it was! I can't my head on straight enough to think at the moment anyway.

It's ok. Like I said, I think I overreacted a bit. Everythings ok, everybody!!

(((((((everyone who replied)))))))

Angela

[wisewoman]

I used to think the father was the good guy and it was as an adult that I saw him as a pityful excuse for a man. His needs always came first, never the children's. Tough [censored] if we were filthy and hungry. He once beat me because my feet were crusted with black crappy goo from going bare foot in the house. That's how clean my house was. And like I knew at that age to wash my feet? Never even had baths until I was 10 unless the female parent had games to play. He is just as accountable, became her servant for evil. I still hate her more though.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))

That is awful. You have EVERY right to feel the way that you do.

[kimmydawn]

I so agree with the sharing of the neglect issue as well. It was a bit different here in that area as well. The father was gone much of the time....for years at a time due to work. He was a marine, which aided his being mean.

What bothers me is that because he wasn't present (due to no fault of his own) does that still mean the mother was more neglectful? Here was a woman who was trying to care for herself and three children AND an abusive husband (when he was there). It's hard, because she was present more and therefore more neglectful when you look at it one way. In the other way, was she more neglectful because she was the ONLY one present the most ... with no "outs" for herself?

Anyhow it's looked at, it's sad...but mostly for the children of such parents.

Stay safe and ty for your thoughts. It's a real issue that needs looked at in the therapeutic setting. A t does always want to look at the mother first and longest...

Kimmydawn