when abuse ruins your life

I am a survivor of horrible child abuse from my mothers lover who was a pdoc. She emotionally abused me from as far back as i can remember he sexually abused me from the age of 8 to 15/16. My mum sexually abused me a couple of times.

I have had a fairly traumatic time really, all the people i loved abandoned me,never protected me, died or let me down in one way or another. I have been getting a lot stronger just lately ..... so much so i started believing in myself and having a bit of confidence.

A chain of events has made me slide once again (doesn't take much)and i'm feeling wide open and raw. I haved deep routed problems that cause me to act in strange ways sometimes. People tend to judge don't they? (IRL)

Right now I am missing my t badly. I feel like i am 15 again, insecure, sad, abandoned and the dreams have started again
always about my mother ..... laughing at me .....in our old house where most of the bad memories were. I am disappointed with myself for taking this step backwards. I am down because of trust issues (big problems)people not trusting me and vice versa.

i was doing so well .... maybe i should stay away from people all together and become a hermit ..... that would please a few i can tell you.

I HAVE PROBLEMS TOO ..... I AM NOT STRONG RIGHT NOW ..... this is NOT a pity thing either, i am saying it how it is ...... my insides are in turmoil i want to run or hide .... sorry this is so long

jinny/kez

jinnyann, dear, dear jinnyann,
if there is one person who has inspired me to be more self-confident since I came to this site, it is YOU dear jinnyann.

Now we're all, I'm absolutely sure, going to pull together and heave as one to get you out of this "hole", this reversal.

I hold you in the greatest esteem, and absolutely love your writings.

I'm really gunning for you, jinnyann. I won't stop until I see you back to your former self.

((((((((((((((((((john)))))))))))))))))))

thankyou for your kind words. Sincerely they mean so much. To know that in some way my poems reach out to others is what i hope for..... I'm truly grateful for your words and encourage you to keep up your writing too. It helps so much. Sometimes i expect too much i suppose. Still early days in my therapy. It just sucks when everything seems to be going so well and then someone or something upsets that balance.

Striving for peace of mind right now hugs John ..... Kerry xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I will be ok, just need to get my head around stuff

((( Jinny )))


I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Sometimes it feels like everything is too much to handle, but you are a survivor, you are strong, you will make it through. You do so much for other people, no one on here will judge you, and anyone who does is stupid. Your strength is inspiring, and I hope that things will improve soon.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

when abuse ruins your life ...... You Fight Back - and I know You can do it - as I did.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

((((((((((((((Griffe))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((Rhapsody)))))))))))))))))))))

Like a lot of people who have been put down all their lives, bullied, sexually abused, tormented, left with so much worthlessness and low self esteem i AM stronger than i give myself credit for. I know this because i have come this far and i will heal ...... thankyou for your encouraging words. thankyou so so much ...... people who have been through all thi ARE strong, they have to be, sometimes it just feels like we're weak because we've always been told that.

Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))))))

I know this may be difficult to grasp right this moment, but, in our quest to find our emotional health, to find our self esteem, we do backslide at times. There are triggers out there that get us thinking in negative terms again...feeling those negative, hurtful feelings we've been so accustomed to feeling.

It's not easy moving forward....but just because we take a few steps back doesn't mean we are doing anything wrong. It usually means there is something more to learn from what set us back a bit. The lesson must be repeated to learn something more from it. In other words...you got yourself feeling better....that was the start Now, maybe there is something more deeper that needs to be addressed from those same things....so again....the process starts, but you now have the knowledge of what it's like to feel better....giving you more strength and ability to work through this next round of difficulties. Do you get my drift here?? You are building a basis for your emotional health....and sometimes some of the blocks come down and need better fortification

I do understand how frustrating and down one can get from this....but I know you and you do have a lot of strength and a resolve to be the best you can be


sabby

((((((((((((((((Sabby)))))))))))))))))

dearest Sabby, you always make so much sense ..... i totally agree with you. I know what's bothering me actually right now. As usual it is my mother. As stupid as it sounds i am so disappointed that she has never been in touch. i just can't fathom why a mother would put her only child through so much and not even try and make amends. i was a fool to think she would ever care enough to even try. i just miss a 'mother figure'. i guess it's hit me a bit just now because my best friend lost her mum just recently and is obviously devastated. she has changed how she feels about my mum and I's relationship. she knows my mum is a 'disloyal and narcissistic' person but her own mothers death has put it in a different perspective to her. She told me to call my mum tonight, she never would have done that before, it's ALWAYS me who tries to make amends with my mother ..... i'm only going by how i feel, but i could never let so many months go by without contacting an only child and 2 grandchildren. She is too busy with her 74 year old boyfriend going on expensive cruises.

i'm just so confused right now. Sabby thankyou, know i love and value you so much.

Kerry
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friends' mum. I think I might understand where your friend was coming from when she told you to call your mum. She is now realizing that we only have 1 mum and she doesn't want you to loose the opportunity to have some kind of a relationship with yours. I'm sure she means it with much love to you, but I think, if she's had a good relationship with her mum through the years, it might be hard for her to understand what you have gone through and what you are feeling towards and about your mum.

Of course you are disappointed consistently with your mum because she has never been able to give you the unconditional "safe" love that a parent should give a child. You long for that....even though in your mind you know she isn't capable of it, there are still parts of you that yearn for her to say she's sorry, take you in her arms and make everything all better.

It's hard to go between those two things....it will take time for your heart and your mind to come together in realization and acceptance of this situation.

When a parent is incapable of giving their child what they need because they are ill themselves....it leaves so many questions and such a difficult time to understand. In time, through your healing, it's very possible you will get to the point where you will understand and you will be able to put everything in a safe place where it won't re-injure you all the time. It will happen jinny....somewhere along your journey.

((((((((((((((((((((((( kerry )))))))))))))))))))))))))


sabby

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sabby)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

love you. thankyou for this. I don't know what i would do without you sometimes ...... big cuddles to you. thankyou. K xx

(((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))

((((((jinnyann))))))