Fogive me for this, but I need to know

Hey Sundance,
There are times in my past too that I did certain things in order to cope with the abuse that I was going through - maybe it would end it, maybe it would change the picture in such a way that I could at least deal with it. I used to beat myself up pretty badly over my actions - and sometimes still do, but then I started realizing that I had to survive some how, and at the time, that was the only way I had to cope. There was a lot of forgiveness for myself in realizing that. My actions did not, as I had believed prior, make the perpetrator at the time any less wrong in their actions. My actions did not make them do what they were doing. Their actions cornered me into reactions that I would not have normally in a healthy situation ever considered doing. I didn't deserve it, I didn't ask for it, just tried to cope with it - the best way I could. Sometimes it helped, most of the time, it was a fruitless effort that didn't stop anything. It did however make it a little easier for me to deal with it on some level. At that point, ANY level was welcome. Regardless of how something started, or how it continued, I still had to live with it in my own skin. It would be easy to blame myself - I was too this, I was too that, I did this and that was so and so to enable them to do what ever - bottom line I could have been a slug on the ground and the abusers would still be abusers. In your situation that you wrote about, you were doing the best you could to protect yourself. And perhaps did something that went against your grain, but at least you were still trying to cope. They could have turned at any time, said this is wrong, apologize and changed their actions. They didn't.

Have a sweet day,
Beth

<font color="brown">Thanks Beth.

I know now that i'm not to blame for this, well I sometimes still do with 2 instances... but only when i'm down in the dumps and feeling bad about myself, but I knew they were in the wrong, and you are right I did it to protect myslef, or thought that it would and it didn't because I still got harrassed and what not by them... and because of that I quit the job that I most enjoyed.. and when I tried to get it back when they were re-hiring no one would call me back... blah....that was the only work related expereince i've had to deal with so far....

I try not to think about the past anymore, but sometimes it's hard.</font>

I have read all threads up to this one. I will take a break now.

All posts have generated more questions in my head. I think back to when "i knew" I was sexually abused and no one believed me because I could not talk. Then there is the therapist who was convinced and then convinced me that I was sexually abused. No memories No memories!!!! Dreams on occassion YES. Smells that don't belong there, YES. Feelings that don't make sense.

I decided a long time ago that if something did happen, I would remember when I was ready to remember. I want to be better. I want to find out the truth so I can lead a happy normal life. I want to stop being so angry. How can I fix this with no memory? I have tried to let this whole thing go because I figured it was just driving me crazy. I figured if I was meant to know, I would remember. But even without memories, it affects my life every day. It affects my husband's life as well.

Hmmmm maybe I should be writing some of this in my journal

You sound a lot like me, emwell. Minus my T convincing me of sexual abuse, your feelings mirror mine. Especially this:

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No memories No memories!!!! Dreams on occassion YES. Smells that don't belong there, YES. Feelings that don't make sense

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I know when I started my T he told me it was probably better if I did not remember what happened in my childhood - and now I know WHY.

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May I ask why? Feel free to say No. I have always thought that I would remember when I was ready to remember.

Now I am coming up with new questions.

Dalila
I heard what you had to say and I thank you for saying it.

I might know what I need to talk to my Doctor about tomorrow. I want to stop feeling the way I have for too long. I need to tell her my fears and thoughts. I recently started a new journal. Maybe I will whimp out and hand her my thoughts. I have even considered mailing them to her. Why is it so dam hard to talk?

I definitely needed to read this post right now. I could quote forever all that I related too.
Thank you Beth

My T feels that it is better to learn to replace old memories and bad stuff with good stuff now - to live in the present. If the past comes up and gets in the way we handle it but instead of trying to learn why Christmas is so depressing for me since I was around 10 we decided to have me tell him what my dream would be for this christmas and after I told him - he told me to "make it happen". And I have - I am going to start building positive memories to replace those missing bad ones. Why dwell on the past - if it come up, deal with it but why try to remember bad stuff? It only causes more stress and depression to remember bad things - at least to me.

If the past comes up and gets in the way we handle it

That is grand. However for some of us it doesn't work anymore than 'just get over it' works. I don't know what happened in your past, but I spent decades just trying to make good memories. Since I have faced my past and worked through the traumas I am happier, healthier and stronger.

You are correct, Dalila, that it won't happen overnight to overright 50+ years of depression and negativity but each day is a new day to start with. It also helps that my meds are finally starting to work and I am not dealing with severe depression at the present moment. I only started therapy last February so I have come a long way but I have a very long way still to go. And I have faced as much of my past as I can remember and will continue to do so as it comes up - but in the meantime I do plan on building as many good memories as I can. And past memories appear regularly during therapy sessions (and outside of therapy) and we deal with those each and every time. I apologize if I offended you in any way . It was not my intention.