Blaming yourself

How do you deal with the abuse when you blame yourself for the abuse? If I had stayed home I wouldn't have been in the position I was in and wouldn't have been abused. So how do you deal with that?

Jbug

jbug,

I have said this to myself a thousand -- no, a million times. I broke my mother's rule about not going into people's houses. I really just needed a band aid. But if I had just gone home instead. If I had just listened. If I had just ... I would not have been bound and brutally abused.

... and if I had not listened to their threats, and gone back for more, again and again, that summer.

It was very, very hard in recovery to believe this was not my fault, to believe that I had not brought it down on myself.

But here are some of the reasons why it was not my fault:

I was overpowered.

I was afraid, and those who caused that wanted that, and were determined to provoke it.

I did not understand what was going on, what was done to me, or what it meant.

I was not being selfish, but those who abused me were being selfish.

I deserved respect, but did not get it.

I should have been able to trust, but someone betrayed that trust.

What was done to me was not about love or even sex, it was about violence and self-hatred.

I was lied to and I was deceived.

I was intimidated.

Adults should have protected me, but they did not live up to that responsibility.

Those who abused me were determined to do it. Nothing I could have done could have stopped them.

Anything I think I could have done to stop the abuse or avoid the abuse does not change the fact that those who abused me were wrong. They had the ultimate power to keep it from happening.

I should not have even been put in the position of trying to stop or avoid an abusive adult.

I would not expect any other child to be able to stop an abusive adult.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.


jbug, it was not you fault.

mtd

For years I blamed myself for a couple of reasons. 1 it was easier to deal with I never had to look at the true nature of what had happened to me and the fact that the people who should have loved me didn't. 2. I really thought it was my fault because that is what they tell you. And if you tried to tell they would tell every one I was crazy and made most of this up. So I guess what im saying is that taking the blame is a sort of denial but it is also old ideas that we are trying to change. Either way they were survival skills that enabled us to survive but we don't have to survivie now. No one deserves to be abused no matter where you go. People have free will and some like to hurt people that is their guilt not ours we did nothing wrong.

Before and during my situation of settling my case against a religious organization for its abusive clergy, I felt empowered. Eventually, I have come to forgive the two men and continue the fortgiving process to this day. I can't just say "I forgive you" and expect to feel all better. But, I can say "I will keep working on my forgiveness for what you did to me."
I, too, felt responsible for what the men did.
"I must have done something to sexually provoke him," I used to think, especially as a teenager. Or, "I was sinful for not running out of that church office" was another one of my personal statements.
Uuugghgghh!!!
I'm not guilty of a thing. These two men are. One, years ago after others came forward, has been relieved of his duties and is in retirement. The other man died not long after the court case was filed.
As a teenager, I was not in a position to say "No."
Things get better with therapy and the help of my Higher Power.

One of my Ts explained something to me along the way, and it made sense to me, anyway. I, too, have spent a lot of time/energy/feelings blaming myself for abuse which occurred. Abuse is so very, very difficult and complicated on so many levels, both at the time, and many years later. One of the hard things is that it was a situation in which we were out of control, and I think many of us (me included) look for ways to regain control in our lives as we go forward. When it comes to these incidents, we look back at them and sometimes take control of it in ways we can - assuming responsibility for it by saying we are to blame. But that's a painful way of taking control of the situation, and it's not healthy for us. The reality of it, hard as it is to admit, is that we weren't in control in that situation. Somebody else was. And it is sometimes easier to say that we were to blame, rather than to deal with the reality that somebody else had that control for that terrible moment in time. However, if we can come to grips with the reality that the responsibility lies with the abuser and it's not our fault --- and it never was --- it can be very freeing. Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. These things are hard to contemplate, and over time, hopefully it will get easier and your T will help. I hope you'll gradually come to feel that you are and always have been free of blame, and the only person to blame here was the other person involved in the incident, jbug. Unhealthy adults make these choices, and they are the ones who are to blame. They are the ones who are responsible. You are free of blame, as are all children who have been abused. That's my thought about it, as a fellow survivor.

Please take extra-good care of yourself.

Take care,
ErinBear

Thanks for your replies guys. The abuse I received happened as an adult. I keep telling myself if I hadn't gone to the hotel room it wouldn't have happened. I know its something I need to work out in therapy but it just so hard. I wish I could just sweep it under the rug and forget it ever happened but I know that will never happen.

Jbug

> The abuse I received happened as an adult.

Not a fully aware one, or it would not have happened. Now you are becoming more aware, and better able to defend yourself. Many (most?) of us were not taught to trust ourselves; how can we defend ourselves if we were not taught that we are worth it?