I'm upset I never had a dad who really loved me.
I'm upset I never had a mum who really loved me.
I'm upset I never got a chance to be a big brother.
I'm upset I never got a chance to be a little brother.

I'm an adult, I shouldn't care that I never had a family who loved me, so why do I still live my entire life trying to be a good son

My brother is in jail, why do I still obsess over wanting to visit him? I shouldn't. I keep hearing the nagging voice in my head telling me I need to visit him. I feel like I should be a "good friend" to the friends who hurt me.

I got my &@#!ing face burnt my god damn arm burnt I wear a stupid eye-patch and I worry that I'm not a good friend to HIM.

I don't normally let myself get angry and trying to avoid it but grrrr

And this whole stupid thing repeats over and over again in my head and I want to talk but HOW WHO WHY and whenever I try to talk to someone I make an oaf out of myself grrrr

It's alright to be angry once in awhile Griffe, it's just a matter of controling your anger so you don't hurt yourself or anyone else. It was injustice, it was cruel, everyone born deserves to be loved, your family didn't love you and that is such a terrible tradgedy.

I'm not an expert on these things, so I can't really tell you anything about why you feel the way you feel, but I think that wanting to be a good son/brother is instinct, even if they were abusers.

You shouldn't be angry at yourself, because beating yourself up wont accomplish anything.

Just upset tonight and angry and I take anger out on myself.

Already phoned a friend and go figure the ONE time I call someone to ask them for help they're not here. It's not even half-past ten and I can't get in contact with anyone and it would be rude to wake gf up, so I'm stuck here wanting to pick at my grafts and trying to distract but I can't get any of this @!@& off my mind Half my friends are out at a post-game party for a hockey match and I should be with them if I wasn't so screwed up.

I post too much but in a strange way banging my head online into a wall makes me feel a little better.

Grrrr just so

I know you don't like therapy, but this is exactly the kind of stuff it was meant for. Your T shouldn't care what you sound like, and they aren't going to be judgemental either, they're there to litsen and try to help you when you can't talk to anyone else and are struggling.

I wish I could help in some other way other then typing to you

I probably shouldn't have skipped therapy today. Thanks Kaika, at least there's someone here tonight. Just easier to talk online because my T is irl and it's hard.

I should go haul myself away before I tear my grafts off. Can't deal with any more stuff tonight. Drop of a dime and all this stuff comes crashing back down to me and I'm sure as hell gonna regret all the stupid whining I did in the morning.

It's not stupid whining, so don't worry about it

I know how hard it is to talk to T, it was really hard for me, and I'm usualy a social person. It might take a little while but it will be worth it..

[Sannah]

Hi Griffe, I'm sorry that you were in distress last night. I hope that you left your grafts alone. Griffe you still love your family even though they were abusive, especially someone as loving as you. Your family was very toxic and dysfunctional, most likely because they grew up in the same (but you managed to do better, again this shows what a special person you are).

You worry about others and not yourself because you were raised to meet the needs of others and deny your own needs? You can change this Griffe, I did.

[multipixie9]

griffe,

it was really bad for you and sometimes it is easier to feel angry than sad. it is sad that your family did not love you, they should have loved you. it is easier to be angry than to say i have been victimized by people and physically damaged and wounded.

all your feelings are legitimate feelings, griffe. it is hard to say it was wrong, you wronged me, you were evil to me and yet you were supposed to be my family. i deserved better than this from you.

when we finally admit how much they hurt us then i think we can begin to heal from the damage they did to us. "You can't heal a wound by saying it is not there"!

there is no shame in saying i am hurt by someone's neglect or cruelty.

i did so much to try to love my family but the truth is they did not love me back. they hurt me, hated me, raped me ignored me and neglected me and hit me and said cruel things to me. i could write so many pages on incidents that happened to me. it hurt so badly. i am getting well and i will continue until i am well.

hang in there, i care.