Another night of no sleep... yet... a bucket load of sleep meds... the pain overrides everything...

I have to put my pain somewhere.. or I really think.. I will go insane... though.. I know.. no one will care enough to try to understand.. or even read...

No one understands.. not even my therapist...

Everything.. is my fault.... blamed.. for not being able to do.. what I cannot do... a failure.. always and forever... forever and a day...

I hear my therapist's voice saying "and who gave it to him"...

He said "sorry today"... but it doesn't matter... makes no difference.. his voice.. has been added to the rest of the voices.. telling me I "failed"..

He... was T for my adult son for a few months.. not family therapy.. individual therapy..

And.. his loyalties.. immediately... became divided...

It has destroyed... out theraptic relationship...

I am to blame... you see.. for my ex-husband battering me.. for him almost killing me several times.. for him stalking me...

If... I had been a different person... THIS... would not have happened..

And.. that is the message I got loud and strong from my therapist today... in regards to my son...

My gentle.. nature.. hurts my son.... my son.. though never raised in the same house as my ex-husband... still saw my ex-husband... per court order... and my son learned how to intimidate...

And... it was never a problem... because my son never did this... until this past couple of years... when he wanted something.. and then.. he would use my ex-husband's mannerisms... and I would.. "cave".. and my son got a great deal of money from me.... and... my T... says.. that was to my son's detriment.. and I know it was.. because.. it comes with a case of extreme guielt... for my son.... and.. that is my shame..

That.. I was not strong enough... that I hurt my son inadvertently...
That .. I did not rise to the occasion... that... I am not what my son needed me to be....

My shame..

if I had been a "strong" person.. my ex.. would not have beaten me....

My son.. as an adult learned of.. my ex-husband's treatment of me.. and blamed me....my mother blamed me.. "she raised me better than that"... my shame... yet.. it is my father who sexually and physically abused me.. and she knew...

What does one do... never being able to be what.. others need them to be.. to do....

They are right... I failed...

Living.. in this world... in constant pain.... it is.. so hard.. I ask myself.. why I am here...

Living as a DID person... switching alters....never always knowing.. what happened.. within my own life..... does no one... "get".. how hard it is to "cover".. in the real world... to interact with people... to not look like a liar.. because.. you have differing opinions...because alters take over.. and express their feelings.. their hopes.. their dreams.. their wants...

BLAME... in capital letters... FAILURE... in capital letters....because people cannot comprehend... what it is like to lose hours.. days... of your life...and you want to scream... "I am doing the best that I can"... does NO... one get it...

Does.. NO one get.. that I cannot take a pill... to make this better... to improve this... that.. it.. is what it is....

In my therapist's office... today... an alter was speaking... and I had absolutely.. no knowledge of.. what was said... he asked me " was I aware of.. the discussion".... and... no... nothing.. zip... 35 minutes out of my life.. that I have no knowledge of.....

So... in the last 10 minutes... he filled me in.....

I give up.... a failure.. forever and a day...

my heart... my heart is broken... not my alter's hearts.. MINE... I count too...

[Luce]

Oh Freewill... so much pain. I can't say much, but I hear you. And - about many things - I can relate.

Go easy on yourself. I tell myself.... I did the best I could with what I had at the time. As I learn more I can do things differently, and make better choices for myself, but at other times of my life I simply did the best I could with what I had. No more, no less.

I hear you on the lying thing too. That is such a big thing for us, Sometimes we can say nothing, for everything that is said is made a lie by another. Sometimes finding anything we can hold on to as truth is such a struggle.

Go easy on you, Freewill.

Where can i start ...... firstly, i hear you, loud and clear. You were hurt beyond belief in many ways..... emotionally, sexually, physically ......

None of that was YOUR FAULT non of it ..... and for your mother to know .... sweetie i know that feeling ...... my mother never believed me ..... she helped ......... and was in complete denial.

Ihave 2 children. Somedays, i wonder wether i should haave had any, simply because i was never shown much love, i have so many issues .....

You and i have suffered, we both had children. We have made mistakes, maybe many i know i have .... and yes i have put someof my problems onto them, ive done things wrong ...... i've made wong choices...... but i've done my very best, loved them, protected them and at times spoiled them. We have LOVED AND PROTECTED THEM and let them KNOW what love, respect and care is all about.

Freewill we have done enough..... so that they have become adults knowing right and wrong.... they make ther own choices, wether they be right or wrong and learn from their mistakes .... so never NEVER call YOURSELF a failure ..... please, it breaks my heart to hear an abuse survivor say this ......... you are andnever have been a failure ..... it is THE ONES THAT WRONGED YOU who are the failures .........

love you my friend, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[thelostone]

freewill,

you ARE NOT a FAILURE. it is not your fault that your son learned to manipulate you. i think you need a different therapist. one who has no loyalties to your son. that sort of thing belongs in family therapy, not in your therapy. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. you were abused, you survived. you raised a child and gave that child love and security. there comes a point where our children have to take responsibility for their own actions. and you ARE a strong person. you have come this far and you WILL make it the rest of the way.

feel free to pm me if you want too.

lost

[bchlyn]

(((((freewill))))) your right your heart counts.... first i want to tell you that i understand that right now you don't feel like you count... and that others don't care... but i want you to know that you count and i am listening... you were not responsible for the choices your husband made... and being a stronger person has nothing to do with it... if a teenager hurts a younger child... is it the child's fault abusive men, make the choice to abuse (i know, i am saying this for myself as much as for you)... abusive men seem to know where you are vulnerable... i think if mine had hit me... i would have seen it as abuse.... mine abused me the same way i was abused as a child/teen... and because it seemed normal... even though i didn't like it... and i knew it was wrong... i was willing to except the blame for his abuse... if i hadn't been molested... if i hadn't said no... he wouldn't have had to force himself on me... if i hadn't had that drink ... if i hadn't gone to his apartment... if i had worn a bra... i could go on with this list forever... and if anyone else said those things i would be the first to tell them the truth... but for me the rules are different... you know?

you didn't say what choice your alter made, but you do have a say in the decision... your important! let your voice be heard... When my boys were young... it was easier for me to be firm... and hold the line... when they became adults my oldest son began taking all of his anger out on me... and still does... and i shut down... and give him what he wants... my t the other day asked me how long i was going to enable my boys... and it really hurt to have him say that to me... and i took it very personally... he knows my boys well we saw him for family therapy for several years when they were young and he continues to stay in contact with them (with my permission)... but he also has said on many occasions that he cares about them... but is very unhappy with the way they treat me... i know that sometimes t try and shake us a bit... it sounds like yours shook you too hard and i am sorry about that... i am glad you were able to tell him what he did... you are stronger then i am, because i wouldn't have been able to do that... i just sit quietly most of the time... and if he doesn't pick up on it... most of the time it goes unsaid... you are so much stronger then you know...please stay safe...lyn

[MINIME]

Freewill. Im sorry you are sad. Im sorry people hurt you. Im sorry you blame yourself. Im sorry your T didnt help. I hate that deep intense pain it feels yucky....I know it passes. I dont have DID, and your right a pill wont fix it. It must be scary. I loose blocks of time from disasociating..and I dont like it. I wish i could say poof...your better. Hang in there.