[xylia]

DO NOT READ IF NOT IN A GOOD PLACE.








Sorry this is a bit graphic.

I've been having this dream lately that wakes me up sweating and crying. In the dream, I am alone in my room with my uncle, lying in bed. It is dark, but I can still see. The dream has this vivid and solid quality. He walks over and takes off my covers and starts to unbutton my shirt. I try to make a sound and he puts his hand over my mouth. He's murmmering and I can't understand, like he's speaking a foreign language. He runs his hands over my chest. He then pulls off my pants. I am too terrified to speak. He starts to undress himself. I can't move, can't speak, I feel caught in my body and so,so aware. I find myself staring at him, wishing to look away. He then takes off my underwear, and gets on top of me. I feel trapped between him and the sheets of my bed. He rubs against me. And then, right before he penetrates me, I wake up.

I just don't trust anyone in my life to tell them about this. I feel so scared and confused. I manage to act normal in my life [an art I have down to a t], but inside this really, really bothers me. I keep recollecting this dreams in my daily life, like I'm reliving the dream. I don't know why I'm having these dreams.... was I abused sexually? Or are they a representation of my feelings right now? I just don't know.

I need a really, really safe hug right now.

:Sob::Sob:

I'm sorry...

Thank-you.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Xylia)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

that does sound so scary. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Are you in therapy? I understand why you wouldn't want to talk about this to just anyone in your life but maybe a T can help you process it and figure out what is going on inside.

I wish I could be more helpful....but know that I care.
safe
ktgirl

[reddevil]

((((((((((((((((((((Xylia)))))))))))))))))))))

That dream sounds very, very scary. I agree with ktgirl, it would probably be a good idea for you to have a therapist to discuss this with.

[xylia]

I do have a therapist.... but somehow I just don't trust her with this information, with these feelings. I'm scared of my therapist for no good reason. Well, no thats not true, I just... everytime I've been vunerable to someone emtionally, they've hurt me, and I don't know how to get over that.

Had it again last night. I hate this. I hate this. Why do I have to deal with this now?

Thank-you for the hug.

xylia

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by xylia

I everytime I've been vunerable to someone emtionally, they've hurt me, and I don't know how to get over that.

I think the only way to get over it is the take a chance by trusting someone you know will not hurt you, like your T. I know it is very scary, and a very very very hard thing to do. When you feel strong enough and brave enough, maybe you could print out your post and give it to her?....or email it to her?

I wish I could be more helpful...
hang in there (((((((((((((((((((((xylia))))))))))))))))))))

[reddevil]

Originally Posted by xylia

Well, no thats not true, I just... everytime I've been vunerable to someone emtionally, they've hurt me, and I don't know how to get over that.


xylia

Does your therapist know about this? If you tell them that, they might be able to help you trust them.

[thelostone]

how long have you been with this therapist? trust is something that has to grow. i have been seeing mine for about 2 months now. some things came spilling out the first session, but since then i have had trouble trusting her.

as suggested, maybe if you could print out this post and show it to her or email it to her. that could help her to know what is going on, and maybe she could help you work on your trust issues as well as the dream.

also, have you always remembered your dreams so vividly? that could be a clue to whether it is a flashback or just a dream.

lost

(((((((((((((((((((xylia)))))))))))))))))))))

i hear where you are coming from when it comes to feeling vulnerable ..... it is so hard to trust anyone. How long have you been seeing t? I don't know if this will help, but try writing your dream down, maybe when you are ready you could show it to your therapist, sometimes it is easier than actually saying it out loud ..... just a thought. Remember you are safe here, you are safe now and, though it is scary, you ARE safe in your bed when you wake. Nightmares are horrile, they can have an affect on you all day can't they?

Sending hugs and care your way if that's ok ..... you have been so brave speaking out here to us ..... love Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxox

[Malachite]

Dear Xylia,

Your dream, could be a symbolic of vulnerability, you are currently feeling in your life. Over the years, I have had three very different reoccurring dreams in my life. My past counselor, advised me, the dreams all had a theme of vulnerability.

In the first, I find myself naked, in a public place, with nowhere to hide. I don't know, how I got there, and I feel very vulnerable. I just want to get home.

In the second, I find myself, in a large metropolitan airport. Suddenly, I realize, I am carrying a concealed weapon, a firearm. I panic, because, I don't know the airport. I don't know which way to go, to get outside. I am afraid, I will inadvertently encounter metal detectors. I don't know, how I got there. I just want to get home.

In the third, I am a student, who has not attended a course, the entire semester, and is now faced with taking the exam. I see, no way out of dealing with the embarrassment of total failure. I have no idea, how I got into this predicament.

No doubt, your dream is far more threatening than any of mine. However, I really don't know how uncommon it is, for a woman to have such a dream. I really think, you should discuss it with your therapist. Make it written, as others have suggested. You can send it to her, far in advance of your next appointment.

Please, don't think, I am dismissing the possibility of sexual abuse. Rather, I suggest exploring a more innocent explanation first.

I wish you the best,

Larry

[xylia]

Thank-you, all of you.

ktgirl: I guess printing out this post might help. Even the idea of that terrifies me, but I suppose, yes, it would be easier. You are very very helpful and supportive. Thank-you.

reddevil: I think my therapist has noticed I have issues with trust when I feel vulnerable, but It's never been discussed openly. I guess telling her that might open up the discussion to other things [like this]. Thank-you.

thelostone: I've been with my therapist for about 9 months now. Seems like a long time? I know, I should trust her by now, at least I think so, but I don't. Shes helped me through a lot, what with the psychosis and the bipolar, but some issues I just can't talk about. It's too hard. Sometimes in the past she hasn't believed what I tell her at first, so I don't know how anything I say will be recieved. And yes, my dreams I always recollect vivdly. Honestly, I don't know what to believe at this point, whether it's a flashback or a representation of my feelings. Thank-you.

jinnyann: I think writing it down is a great idea. I have a notepad near my bed. But it certaintly does follow me the whole day. I need to feel safe. I've hated my room for many years, and I never knew why, and still don't, I just don't feel safe there no matter how safe I try to know I am. I appreciate you calling me brave. I don't feel brave. I feel worthless. Thank-you.

Malachite: I don't know what to think. It could very possibly be a representation of how I'm feeling, whether it's vulnerability or something else. It's just so scary. I appreciate your point of view and find it helpful, whatever these dreams mean. Thank-you.

I have an appointment with my T tommorow, so lets see how it goes, if I decide to tell her. Sorry about my compulsive thanking habit.

[oh man, I feel sooooo self-concious and I feel like I am such an idiot who doesn't deserve any kind of help from anyone.... sorry, I'm so sorry.]

(((((((((((((((((xylia))))))))))))))))))))))

You are brave and you are worthy of being listened to and helped. We all are. Sendin my love and est wishes and good luck with t ..... also hoping you have had and are having more peaceful rest ..... take care sweetie, love Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Malachite]

Dear Xylia,

Your acknowledgment, i.e., your thanks, are greatly appreciated!

Larry

[reddevil]

You're welcome Xylia. You do deserve help, everyone here does.

[thelostone]

you have nothing to be sorry for, and you are not an idiot. and you do deserve help. you deserve to feel and be safe. you also deserve for your therapist to believe you and to be able to trust this person who you are supposed to open your most private and intimate thoughts and feelings too. wish there was more i could do to help.

lost

[xylia]

Thank-you everyone...

Okay. So my appointment today. It was hard. I gave her the a print out of my post, and we talked about it for a little bit, and it was really hard. I was shaking from head to toe and crying. She explored the possibility that I had been abused, or what else it might mean. We talked about some other stuff too, regarding my difficulties with school. But then she did something I never thought would happen.

My therapist decided after I was released from hospital that part of my session should be with my parents, to keep them in the loop. I still hate doing that, but I've gotten used to it. But then she said that she was going to have to tell my mom about my dreams. She said I had agreed with her. I don't remember agreeing. I totally freaked out. I just kept crying and gasping for breath. In the end she told my mom anyway. Wasn't my decision to make, apparently. I had my hands over my ears. I just didn't want to hear. Now my moms going to tell my dad, and they're both going to know. It just happened, just like that, like when they found the letter to my therapist saying that I was gay.

I feel betrayed.

I suppose that it's perfectly normal what happened, that I really did agree, and that my feelings don't matter. The message that I have been sent my entire life.

I don't know what to do, I'm just so sick and tired of it all, all the voices and dreams and feelings. How can you feel like you want someone to care, and then when they do, you push them away for stupid reasons you don't understand?

Thank-you.

[bchlyn]

i know that was really hard... i bring my journal to my appointments... it's easier for me to have him read it sometimes then for me to bring it up...take gentle care...lyn