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#1
Sep 29, 2008, 11:14 PM
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The past is such an ugly thing...
it haunts me... I can feel it day in and out.... all the bad feelings... all the screams on the inside for it to all just stop... please...god...just let it stop... don't know what brought this on today... no we do know...know so much more than willing to admit... the fog that lay in mind has been lifted... all the nightmares....turned out to be true... feel so sick I do...so sick...so dirty...I am so so dirty..no water can clean me... just an object...just a ****ing object for others to use..to get their sick twisted pleausres from..just a ****ing object ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! DO YOU ****ING HERE ME SCREAMING...DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH YOU'VE HURT ME....ALL OF THEM CAN YOU SEE NOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE spilt me in half...twisted me around........ so angry...so upset...little flashes...of it all...playing in my mind...over and over and over..like a movie..but it never shuts off...the damn switch is broken...sadest part is sadest thing of all...is it all must be a secret...shhh...don't tell...don't tell....don't tell. you'll get in trouble...don't tell... they will never believe you....shhh...be quiet...they would all be so upset if they found out...you don't want to upset anyone... NOONE can ever know...NOONE. why does noone ever protect me...why...why... |
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#2
Sep 30, 2008, 02:12 AM
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(((((((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))))))))))))
I hear you screaming and l hear your pain Share and release some of this pain we here for you no longer need for silence xxxx 
__________________
 "never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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#3
Sep 30, 2008, 10:02 AM
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Hi Silver, I am so sorry..... Have you found a psychiatrist yet?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#4
Sep 30, 2008, 12:21 PM
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I just need to get this all out..If I don't...the posion that it is will consume me morethan it already has....please be patient...please don't hate me...please don't call me names
When I was in thearpy...I wrote about age four...T asked why four what is so special about the age of four....I lied...said I don't know... I DO KNOW....... Four is when I first learned...that I am just an object...just a piece of trash...a doll for sick and twisted people to get their pleasure from.... Four was when he molseted me....can never tell...no can never tell... I can still feel him all over me...I can still feel his touch...I feel so sick just writing this...the warm breathe..oh god....oh god...what did I do to deserve that... he was..is my mom's half brother...he makes me sick...glad he lives so far away.....all the times he touched me...oh god...oh god.. Then six...six...the bad girl...the bad neighbor girl... she made me take off my clothes...made me....touched me dear god no more |
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#5
Sep 30, 2008, 02:40 PM
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Silver, you have all of my patience and I will listen to your every word.... and I would never call you names and never hate you.
I am so sorry Silver. You are not a piece of trash. There are people out there who have no concern for others. Only for themselves. They are not the people who need to be assigning value to others. You are surrounded by good people here now. We appreciate the value that others have and we see your value so easily. Please look through our eyes and see your value...... You didn't do anything to deserve any of that. You deserved and deserve only good things.....
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#6
Sep 30, 2008, 02:55 PM
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Oh Silver l wish l had all the words that would take your pain away the words l have are it was not and never will beyour fault. you were a young defenceless child who had terrible things done to you by very sick people who pray on childrenfor there own gain. please believe me when l say l know that pain and l to blame myself in my bad days but this is not your fault in any way. if you want to talk pm me any time l will never judge you or be shocked by your words the silence will destroy you you have to ley it out and l want you to know you need to let it out so you can begin your journey to heal. l know its so hard but we are here and its ok not to have all the answers they will come slowly as you are ready. take very small steps and we are here to pick you up when you stumble Try to be kind to you you desesrve it hunny and l mean that from the bottom of my heart Mandyxxxx 
__________________
"never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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#7
Sep 30, 2008, 03:02 PM
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It all just hurts so much
I just feel like crying, screamin, falling into the floor and curling up into a ball, Flashbacks all day...had to pull off the road this morning...too much... not sleeping...sleeping equals nightmares.. Why? Why? I feel so dirty...I feel like cheap plastic...a figure.. I can't be real...this can't be true... but oh how it is...how true it is... I can feel it...still today...i can feel them..smell them...hear themm shhh dont tell.. If someone whispers in my ear...I freak out... that voice..shhh...be quiet..don't struggle... it's a game...don't you like playing games... this is one of my favoirte games to play... come play with me.... sick twisted bastard..... and the girl... making me and the other girl take off our clothes.. touching..hitting...calling me names... dirty little *****...dirty little *****... don't tell...you'll get in trouble...noone will believe you... laughing the whole time... make noises for me...your supposed to make noises you dirty little *****.. shh don't tell sick twisted monster Tell me why? Why does this happen? Why did noone protect me? Why do I have to live with these memories for a lifetime? Why WHY WHY???????????????? Last edited by Typo; Sep 30, 2008 at 03:04 PM. Reason: messed up |
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#8
Sep 30, 2008, 03:06 PM
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I'm so sorry Silver
....
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#9
Sep 30, 2008, 03:22 PM
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l really wishl had all the answers to our questions but hunny l still searching for those answers. Just remember it was them that was sick and evil and twisted IT WAS NOT YOU you were only a tiny child who wanted and neded to be protected but was so badly let down and so badly hurt BELIEVE ME IT WAS NOT YOU ................IT WAS THEM WHO WAS IN THE WRONG.............WHY????THEY DO IT........................DONT THINK WE WILL EVER FIND OUT HUNNY.......................WE JUST HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON HEALING US SO WE CAN PUT AWAY THESE PAINFUL MEMEORIES. The flashbacks , the nightmares the constant triggers it weras us down seek help from a professional so they can help you bring these things under control. I know it all so hard and that every day is a struggle but together WE CAN DO THIS...........WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER............ DONT FORGET I AM HERE I WILL LISTEN AN HEAR IF YOU NEED TO THEN CALL.................SOMETIMES IT HELPS JUST TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE.... KEEP ON WITH THOSE SMALL STEPS............the rest will follow Take care hunny Mandy xxxxx
__________________
"never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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#10
Sep 30, 2008, 04:06 PM
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Silver,
I am so sorry that you are having a bad time. I wish there was something we could all do for you. Just know that people on here are your friends and no one thinks bad of you.
__________________
Dx: PTSD, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder. A Do Da Quantkeeah A-da-nv-do |
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#11
Oct 01, 2008, 12:08 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#12
Oct 01, 2008, 12:39 PM
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Silver - write what you want and can handle. it's ok. we're listening, and we hear you. we believe you. every single word. i wish healing didn't take so long - but Sannah is right - it will happen.
safe hugs, (mental ones - i'd think you hate being touched) twilight
__________________
花鳥風月
c'est tout ce que j'aime |
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#13
Oct 01, 2008, 02:35 PM
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(((((silversparrow)))))
I hear you, every word. I know you tell the truth. Sad and horrible that you and I lived 4500 miles away from each other and know the exact same stories - feel the same shame and pain and fear and anger and loss and sadness inside. They said it was our fault, that we made them do it, we wanted it somehow. Lies, Lies, Lies and more lies. We never wanted or asked for it - although come to think of it I did with some of them because they trained me to accept it and I began to want it because I needed human touch so badly. No matter what they trained me to do or I learned to like, I am not the perpetrator, the sick predator. I was their prey, but NOT ANYMORE. I am going on without them and I never hurt a child like they did. I'm learning to stop hurting myself like they hurt me. I am not taking the anger out on myself, I deserve a life of goodness, kindness and truth. I survived and now I am healing and I will get beyond this. There is life after abuse. I am living it; it's worth the work and suffering to get there. I care, Silver, don't give up. Get well and shame the devil. leslie and the pixies
__________________
  HEALING HAPPENS
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#14
Oct 02, 2008, 08:40 AM
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Hi, we don't hate you. Get it out. I was raped too and I feel the same as you, Don't listen to who ever said don't tell, they are worried about their own@ss. I think you should tell! Try not to let the anger consume you, or they win again. Take back your life!!! I hope I am not out of place for saying that. Take care,Greg
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#15
Oct 02, 2008, 09:37 PM
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I am so touched, that so many people replied, this was, this is so hard for me..
I cried when I wrote this and cried harder when I read all the replys, I've had these memories buried for so long....so so long... To have all the memories be brought forth..it hurts...and the flashbacks...and everything.... Thank you everyone, I'm sorry we have all had to go through this (((((((((((Everyone)))))))))) |
 multipixie9
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#16
Oct 03, 2008, 12:23 AM
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(((((((((((((((((SILVER)))))))))))))))))))))))
safe hugs abd be safe
__________________
"never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.... few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy when they believe you"
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#17
Oct 03, 2008, 02:37 AM
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(((Silversparrow)))
I cried when I wrote this and cried harder when I read all the replys, it's ok - i do that as well. it's inhuman not to cry, it's wrong that we were forced to stay silent. but it will get better. it's rough - but like i wrote to someone else on the PTSD forum - every step towards healing is worth it. twilight
__________________
花鳥風月
c'est tout ce que j'aime |
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