does this bother anyone else??

maybe trigger????











For.. survivors... does it ever bother you... to be asked.. when you lost your virginity... or... have.. to deal.. with that "whole" thing??

I guess... it comes up for me....

I am a 21 year old alter of freewills... and... it just hurts... I mean.. would a person say.. well I was 3.. and.. it was my Dad?

The subject came up alot when I was in high school... and.. it still... just hurts....

Sweety.....it is absolutely no one's business and that's exactly what I would say to someone who was rude enough to ask!

((((((((((((( freewill & others )))))))))))))))))


sabby

Yes...this does bother me. The question a new doctor often asks, "when did you become sexually active?", bothers me as well. I have developed an answer to that one, but the other one is harder I think.

Yeah - the one i always get at the dr is "when is the last time you were sexually active?" Ummmm when I was r***** at 12.... ends all further questions or disbelief that a 31 yr old wouldn't be active. @_@

((((((((freewill))))))))

Everything to do with this subject seems to bother me. I am simply not at peace with all the difficulties I experienced due to early childhood sexual abuse. It is really a horrible.

I have mostly made peace with the fact that my innocence ws stolen while I was an infant. However, even though I learned to perform and want some kinds of sexual activity that I was taught to actually want it, It was still sexual abuse. This was nothing I would have sought out on my own if things were different. The blame, ALL of it goes to the ones who abused me for years.

Hugs,

Leslieann and the Pixies

"Are you sexually active?" no
(they don't believe me - they never do)
"what kind of birth control do you use?" abstinance.
"When were you last..." (again) r**ed at 12, 11, 10, 9... get the hint???
Silence
"Well... I don't need to give you a pap then..." NOW you're speaking my language.

safe hugs to you all...

i didn't remember abuse until last winter.. and even now i'm not sure of it. so i will count becoming sexually active when i was... whenever that was.

yes, it does bother me too and i think it's a very rude question when asked by some guy at the bar, or some acquaintance, or even a close friend. gahd. even my boyfriend hasn't asked me.

doctors tho... different thing.

twilight

Kiya, it sounds like you think that getting a pap is related to being sexually active? This is totally not true. A pap smear is to check for cervical cancer, not to check for a venereal disease. Please get your pap smear every year, whether you are sexually active or not. If your doctor doesn't know this, you should switch doctors because he/she is incompetent.

For the last few years of my marriage, my H and I were not sexually active (with each other). When my doctor would ask what kind of birth control are you using, I would say "nothing". That was the truth. You don't need birth control when you aren't having sex. Let the doctor puzzle out the truth. If the doc is going to ask sensitive questions, they have to be prepared for "out of the norm" responses. How much we tell our doctors (or friends or family) is always up to us.

*sigh* =( yes... but on the flip side of that coin. I know that "not being sexually active" is not a reason to not have a pap. but *having* one (to me, in my mind and body) IS sexual activity that I am NOT ok with but having to give permission for (when really the answer is NO)... see the similarity to a certain action???

The only reason my MD said that to me was because i was FREAKING out over abdominal pain but not letting any one see me medically. So she sent me off to the ER and they in turn sent me off to Planned Parenthood. Still no escape. and of course they take samples and tell me "You're not pregnant".... ummm No kidding. I told you that. but thanks for the update!

Yes, I understand.

oh hell yes!!!!! i do that whole im gonna be quiet thing cos else my response will be what u wrote in this... i just dont think that wood help anyone...

(((((((freewill n all the alters)))))))))

((((((freewill)))))) you are pure ... your abuser is the one who isn't... don't let the inconsiderate comments, and questions of others take that away from you...lyn

it is so hard . i just pretend not to hear the question

This was really a common discussion in college, but I'm sure it takes place much sooner nowdays? It isn't meant to be intrusive, as it really is, but I guess just another one of those girl topics to help feel "normal."
I might suggest if they (other than a doctor) asks when... ask them what makes them think you ever did? (lose your virginity?) Maybe a smirk or snear will back them off and still give them something to talk about.

There was a discussion in a thread here once that approached the same topic. Only I think it ran along the lines of whether you were still a virgin if you never engaged willingly? It was a good thread, imo. You know? What defines "virgin" these days? I know a more recent thread that talked about not being sexually active if you only did other stuff and not the main activity. That was quite a thread!
Try and remember that most of the people asking these questions are not being very serious about the whole topic. Doctors, however, well, I'm glad you were able to disclose.

I don't go to those exams for obvious reasons, so I usually don't get asked that one in a medical setting. Although I always, always get asked about being pregnant and anytime something is wrong, doesn't matter if it's a sore throat or a knee issue, they always act like I'm some kind of ***** even when I told them I wasn't having sex. It's like they didn't believe me & any ailment is always due to pregnancy. I HATE it and it makes me so so mad. And I'm not a prude either, I just hate everything having to do with what's in between my legs.

As for other settings like with groups of people or the girl talk like someone else was saying, I just dodge it, mess with their heads, stay silent when everyone else is telling their story, or I've made one up if I've had to. For some reason it has always bothered me too, even before I remembered being abused. Since then I haven't been asked, but if I am, I know it will bother me even more. And I'll be mad and upset and embarrassed & ashamed & being thinking when I was five with my blank.

So I completely understand where you're coming from. It's horrible. People don't get it because it's not part of their realm or world. A lot of this crap is part of the reason I hate being a girl so much. Guys never get asked anything about their dicks at the doctor unless it's their **** that's actually hurting. They never get asked about their sex lives or have people trying to probe their gonads over tonsilitis or a cough. Lucky bastards.

Apart from at the dr where i just tell them the last time i had intercourse as an adult...and completely block out the sexual abuse because what does it matter for a pap test if i was abused or not....even if i hadn't had sex as an adult i think id still use that excuse....

i've had the topic come up with friends in high school and i just used to say i was a virgin....but then they would all get excited about me losing it and i couldn't handle that so i made up another lie and felt even worse...i lied that i did it in high school and enjoyed it and remember feeling so disgusting and filthy...

but then it came up in my adult converstations when we were all drunk and they all started telling virgin stories and when it got to me i was so anxiety ridden and terrified i burst into tears and said when i was 7 and ran for my life....ran so far from those friends..

and the worst things was nobody but my best friend acknowldeged it....even when i apologised the next group outing...
made me feel so ashamed...

probly why i still am

so at the end of all that i agree

it is nobodies business but those who u chose to tell

I'm glad this thread came up. I don't feel so isolated now. But it does make me sad that other people have gone through this & that it still effects me to this day.

No, they never do. I still remember a social worker in a doctor's office, mind you, an orthopedist I was at for my KNEE, asking me could I be pregnant and I answered "no" and she responded with, "How do you know?" I let her have it then :-) I didn't go back to them. Everybody was condescending and I wasn't happy with full-blown social workers (not nurses) taking surveys before the doctor saw you, just because he was head of the hospital department and such a "busy" man. He read all their stuff and then decided I was "getting old" at 26!

My T asked me one time if I had a normal sexual development. I wanted say HOW THE (*&^$ am I supposed to know what normal sexual development is? Yeah... I got my period around 12. Another question that confused the hell out of me was when she asked me a question about who was my first love. I remember at her with a blank expression and being very confused about what I was supposed to say.

I find that these types of questions really tough.