[tuliptorn]

My abusive, insensitive father is going to have a tricky surgery on Tuesday. Part of me wants him to get well. The other part wants him to die.

My problem is that if he lives I want to die more. I am trying with every fiber of my being to be supportive and be a good daughter to a male who abused me, my mother, brothers and sisters. They seem to have forgiven him.

There are many more factors at play here and they are all merging at once for me now and I am overwhelmed. I can't seem to stop this thought that goes it's either him or it's me. I am ashamed about it.

Thank you for reading this. I would appreciate nice and kindly support atm.

((((tuliptorn))))
its normal to think and feel that way cos if its not im crazier than first thought..

just do what u need to do to feel safe..theres nothing written down that says we have to go to far lengths to maintain support to ppl who hurt us..
what i mean to say if u dont want to be there and see ur dad dont!
ur not a bad person/daughter/sister ur just a person trying to live

safe hugs to u..

[gravyssugar]

Originally Posted by tuliptorn

My abusive, insensitive father is going to have a tricky surgery on Tuesday. Part of me wants him to get well. The other part wants him to die.

My problem is that if he lives I want to die more. I am trying with every fiber of my being to be supportive and be a good daughter to a male who abused me, my mother, brothers and sisters. They seem to have forgiven him.

There are many more factors at play here and they are all merging at once for me now and I am overwhelmed. I can't seem to stop this thought that goes it's either him or it's me. I am ashamed about it.

Thank you for reading this. I would appreciate nice and kindly support atm.

Hello, I am new to forum and actually had joined because of my bipolar son...but I saw your post and wanted to reply to you.

I know exactly how you feel. My father abused me and my two half siblings. They never forgave him and didn't speak to him for over 20 years. I went through lots of therapy, but I finally decided that in order for me to be 'healthy' that I needed to move on. I 'forgave' him (the best way I could), but never forgot what he did. I knew that he would have to answer to God when he died and would pay for the damage that he caused us. Hope this helps, hang in there.
Tracie

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by gravyssugar

Hello, I am new to forum and actually had joined because of my bipolar son...but I saw your post and wanted to reply to you.

I know exactly how you feel. My father abused me and my two half siblings. They never forgave him and didn't speak to him for over 20 years. I went through lots of therapy, but I finally decided that in order for me to be 'healthy' that I needed to move on. I 'forgave' him (the best way I could), but never forgot what he did. I knew that he would have to answer to God when he died and would pay for the damage that he caused us. Hope this helps, hang in there.
Tracie

My mother abused me growing up as well. When I went off to college I decided for some reason that I needed to forgive her so that I could move forward with my life, and I did. However, when I was living in another city it was easier because I didn't have to deal with her. That said, once I moved back it became much more difficult to deal with her. Let's just say that she can cause me to revert back to being a child just by a simple comment and my depression is triggered on a major level!

After I was diagnosed BP, I had a much more difficult time dealing with my mother, however. On some levels, I think it was because I confronted her once and she denied the behavior, the abuse. I still forgave her, but I still take issue with her current behavior. Because of that, I distance myself. I speak to her often but have not been in the house to see her in several years, and we live 10 minutes from each other. Actually, she is over my finances and has been for a while so those are some of the issues that have caused the recent rift.

Long story short, I think in order to move your life forward in a positive direction, you have to forgive because the abuser is then still in control somehow...not forget!

TJ

[tuliptorn]

I keep thinking it would be easier to forgive him if he were not here. Perhaps it is foolish of me. I know I have to forgive...someday. But I do not know how. I am still so angry and very hurt.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by tuliptorn

I keep thinking it would be easier to forgive him if he were not here. Perhaps it is foolish of me. I know I have to forgive...someday. But I do not know how. I am still so angry and very hurt.

(((((Tulip)))))
Maybe you should try not to think about forgiving - it will come in time when you are ready. I think it is not something that can be forced.
You did not deserve to be hurt. You need time to heal.

I wish I could be angry. Everyone tells me to be angry, but it seems like it is nowhere in me. Instead I am depressed, which is 'anger toward inward'????
Maybe if I could be angry with the person, I would be less depressed and angry with myself.

Try not to judge yourself for your feelings. It sounds like a complicated siutation. Your feelings about your father don't make you a good or bad person.....they are just your feelings.

Sending caring thoughts to you today, and hugs,
ktgirl

Originally Posted by tuliptorn

I keep thinking it would be easier to forgive him if he were not here. Perhaps it is foolish of me. I know I have to forgive...someday. But I do not know how. I am still so angry and very hurt.

((tulip))
i think the same thing sometimes toward my own abuser.. im not ready to forgive him yet and dont think i will be for a long time.. my way of coping so far is to avoid him at all costs.. sometimes its not so easy the guy is my dad..but i do alright at not seeing my parents... its ok to be angry and hurt.. concentrate on just feeling/being safe cos thats whats important.. forgiveness can come later..when ur ready...

[lifeblows]

I struggle with this and go through fits of anger, sadness, guilt, shame & everything in between. Often all at once. I too feel like I can't live if my parents are on the same planet, so I totally understand your it's me or him philosophy. People always talk about forgiving, but I don't know how and don't want to really. Besides, aren't you supposed to receive an apology first before you can forgive someone? For me, I think it's impossible to forgive for all that pain, damage & grief. It's unbearable. I was just pondering the other day how I could make myself invisible to my parents so they'd never know I still existed. I was glad to see your post & that I'm not the only one struggling with these awful feelings.

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by tuliptorn

I keep thinking it would be easier to forgive him if he were not here. Perhaps it is foolish of me. I know I have to forgive...someday. But I do not know how. I am still so angry and very hurt.

Like everyone else has said, it does take time... There are still some things that I have not completely forgiven people for and I am working on that... That said, it is my life that is at a standstill, not theres. They HAVE MOVED ON AND ARE LIVING THEIR LIFE, while I sit in hell! I realize that until I can forgive that, I will continue to be stuck...

TJ

[lifeblows]

Oh I know, infuriates me that they're all fine and they're supposedly the bad ones. But we're the ones suffering. They're not the ones in constant pain & tormented everywhere they go. They lead regular lives while we're stuck in hell. I completely agree.

[pachyderm]

Forgiveness is not a requirement, I think. It comes when it comes, or not. When you comprehend then maybe you forgive, but don't try to push it or think you are under an obligation.

[tuliptorn]

Thank you all for responding. I have been unable to speak, type or think. My dad's surgery was rescheduled for next month. I am still a mess.