[Sherryanne]

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change........god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change........god grant me the serenity to accept the things I can. To accept that I was raped and there's nothing I can do to take it back.
To change from victime to survivor.
To accept that these people have no power over me.

But I cant. And it hurts and hurts and hurts. Ive run out of tear, Ive run out of anger and all I feel is afraid. Afraid that they'll hurt me and they'll come back and that the memories will get stronger and that it wont just all go away.

But it has to right. Im a survivor not a victim. But why cant I make these damn memories go away, why do I feel there every touch, and hear their every word and see their every smile. Why does it still haunt me.

You have no more power over me you damn bastards but why did you choose me. Was I too pretty or too ugly, did I make you mad, did I make you happy. Why me? But Ill never know, and I refuse to live my life searching for an answer Ill never find.

But I still hurt, no matter how much I hurt and no matter how much I shout and scream I still hurt and the memory still lives on reigning its terror over me.

You damn bastards, you damn damn basterds, how could you, how dare you. And then you look me in the face and pretend like nothing has every happened.

Ill be ok though, I dont have a choice, Im not letting you win. I just wish the memory would go away. I just wish I would hurt less. But dont worry, I'll be ok....as long as there is a tomorrow.

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((((((((((sherryanne))))))))))))))

[Capp]

((Sherryanne))
powerful and honest post and I thank you for sharing...

My own abuse made me defiant in that I wasn't going to be broken by it. It helped then and it helps now.
It did allow me to take back power albeit a bit at a time. There is no set time for arrival at less hurt, accepting that there are no answers, and moving beyond it enough that you have a measure of peace.
It will come to you...
Please keep posting and let us know how you are, Sherryanne.
We care

Cap

[nowheretorun]

i applaud you for expressing yourself harmelssly in this way, with words that we can understand, thoughts that we can relate to, emotions we can feel... ways to understand each other are always so helpful as we heal.. i am wishing you continued success as you work your way through all these feelings.. in time the pain falls away and leaves a fresher feeling like renewing.. you feel very far and distant from that place now but keep striving and you will arrive... sending cares and hopes that all your pains may end in a smoother manner for you in the future..

[skeksi]

What a wonderful expression of your feelings--and such hope at the end.

[notz]

I've come to believe that there's no rhyme or reason for some things - they just are. I think I've always known that on some level, but could not accept it.

I tried a lot of things to make it go away but it didn't go away...it hasn't gone away! It's part of who I am. What I was angry about, still get angry about is not having control during the moments of abuse. Those moments are gone, never to be lived again except in my mind.

What I had during those moments was the capacity to survive. I've been told that is a pretty incredible ability. I can see it in others and I read it in your words.

Hang in there and keep posting.

[Lihn]

I know how you feel. I'm sorry and I know it hurts really bad and it is impossible in your own mind to stop the pain without perhaps suggested meds which you may not be interested in. Meet me at the spiritual santuary and maybe I can help there.

I have a good answer but if I write it here they may not post it b/c
it has a "religious" message.

You are loved...Hang in there hon

Lihn

[Sherryanne]

Thank you all for your support. Its been a difficult journey and something tells me that I still have a way to go. Ive spent a long time blaming myself and I still do and I still feel very afraid. I dont go out and I dont walk where I think they will be. I refuse to let a guy be interested in me although I really want them too. Still not sure what direction to turn but I guess I have to keep writing and talking and somehow Ill find a way.

Thank you once again for your support

Hi Sherryanne,

Are you in any kind of therapy for this? Unfortunately I know the feeling all too well. I want to forget so badly, but my T says you can never forget what happened to you, but you can learn how to control the bad feelings associated to what happened because it wasn't your fault. I feel like you are a fighter though, and i know you can get to that place, but it takes a lot of work. ((((sherryanne))))) Take gentle care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Sherryanne

Thank you all for your support. Its been a difficult journey and something tells me that I still have a way to go. Ive spent a long time blaming myself and I still do and I still feel very afraid. I dont go out and I dont walk where I think they will be. I refuse to let a guy be interested in me although I really want them too. Still not sure what direction to turn but I guess I have to keep writing and talking and somehow Ill find a way.

Thank you once again for your support