[stella01]

hi i dont know where to start but i visited my dr yesterday for yet another meds change but decided to be honest with her,im not even sure which forum to get into i have so many things wrong with me? well iv been treated for bi-polar but when i was honest with dr about my dope use & sudden withdrawl she decided not to change yet till effects of withdrawl wear off? also i saw a psych once to please dr about diagnosis of bi-polar she said that my childhood abuse maybe the underlying prob? even though i couldnt tell her much because i dont remember much, i dont have very many memories of this only that 3 of my uncles use to climb into my bedroom window & id pretend to be asleep now maybe nothing happened but my fear of seeing the psych again leads the dr to believe that it prob did? how can i not remember something like that & why does it even matter now & can this manifest itself as bi-polar? im so scared that if i remember it will ruine my life even more. i also become obsessed with everything i do in the past i was diagnosed with ocd ,i smoke like a chimney i dont exercise i dont eat right i dont care if i live or die but not suicidal,im reckless when driving im detached from everyone i dont leave my house i dont function as a wife or mother my lifes **** anywonder i dont care if i live or die ,i cant sleep ,consentrate i disacociate & have small flashbacks of abuse nothing conclusive but so how do i know if abuse happened? im so confused now it was easy when i thought it was just bi-polar cause nothing much to do but try new meds but now that dr thinks that all this is just bandaids to cover a sore that wont heal until i deal with it, im so scared of this?anyone else in this situation please feedback would be great

[Phyliss49]

Stella,
You're story mirrors mine. The mind is an amazing thing, and can supress memories it believes are harmful to us. The memories of my sexual abuse were suppressed until I was in my 30's. Even though the actual abuse was supressed, I knew I harbored a hatred towards my abuser. At the age of 32 , I developed a serious drinking problem and entered into treatment for alcohol abuse. This was long-term treatment (a 12-18 month program that went to over 24 months for me because I had to recover from surgery to remove a melanoma that had penetrated my skull and was invading my brain) Anyway, it was around the 18 month stage that the abuse memories came back. I think it was because I was in a safe place and trusted and loved my treatment providers.
I know you're scared, I was too. But I can tell you that the work that I've done on this with my therapist has made my life so much better. It's not perfect , but so much better than what it was.
Stay strong. And welcome to pc. You're in the right place here. Lots of great support.

[madisgram]

stella. you're already on the right track with your T and pdoc. being truthful with them will enable them to help you more. why don't you keep a journal of how you feel each day? you can even rank you moods by 1-5. 1 being great, etc. then take it with you to therapy. when we take ownership of our therapy good things start to happen. it takes work but you are in a safe enviroment to talk. i can totally relate to where you are at. i was there once myself. if you are committed to your therapy and are as honest as you can, then you will discover healthy ways to think and heal your fears.
i hope you will keep us posted and you can always private message me if you wish.

[stella01]

hi again thanks so much for your thoughts but i'm not in therapy "yet" i'm thinking about it at least in the past whenever my GP would metion a psych i'd be like NOOOOO WAYYYY, too scared so that reaction to it is what leads my GP to think that i prob would benefit from 1 . i did see a psych once only because my GP wanted another opinion on her suspicions of bi-polar,it was horrible,she was lovely & agreed with GP on bi-polar but picked up straight away that i was abused as a child because when she asked about my childhood i had no memories & i dissacociated when trying to remember ,very scarey stuff i wanted to run out of there sooo bad.

[madisgram]

i had the same reaction at first about psychs. the good news it isn't as bad as we think. they are there to help us untangle all this stuffed info and life events that have brought us to where we are now.. hope you will consider the therapy thing. it changed my life for the better. anyway i'll keep you in my prayers. keep us posted, k?

[lost-soul]

Originally Posted by stella01

hi i dont know where to start but i visited my dr yesterday for yet another meds change but decided to be honest with her,im not even sure which forum to get into i have so many things wrong with me? well iv been treated for bi-polar but when i was honest with dr about my dope use & sudden withdrawl she decided not to change yet till effects of withdrawl wear off? also i saw a psych once to please dr about diagnosis of bi-polar she said that my childhood abuse maybe the underlying prob? even though i couldnt tell her much because i dont remember much, i dont have very many memories of this only that 3 of my uncles use to climb into my bedroom window & id pretend to be asleep now maybe nothing happened but my fear of seeing the psych again leads the dr to believe that it prob did? how can i not remember something like that & why does it even matter now & can this manifest itself as bi-polar? im so scared that if i remember it will ruine my life even more. i also become obsessed with everything i do in the past i was diagnosed with ocd ,i smoke like a chimney i dont exercise i dont eat right i dont care if i live or die but not suicidal,im reckless when driving im detached from everyone i dont leave my house i dont function as a wife or mother my lifes **** anywonder i dont care if i live or die ,i cant sleep ,consentrate i disacociate & have small flashbacks of abuse nothing conclusive but so how do i know if abuse happened? im so confused now it was easy when i thought it was just bi-polar cause nothing much to do but try new meds but now that dr thinks that all this is just bandaids to cover a sore that wont heal until i deal with it, im so scared of this?anyone else in this situation please feedback would be great

hi stella, i feel the same thing to...its hard for me in the morning to wake up thinking that when i am sleeping i'm dead....i really want to die, but thinking about my family i need to be strong in my life...pretending to be positive si that i can fight the fear i feel inside...yeah my life is so '''' and i feel that way....sometimes i an thinking what is the purpose of life...i know like the movie of someday we'll know...the girl named mandy moore there has leukemia and her motive in life is to make a miracle...well but i dont know why we are still living...well just take care of yourself...

[stella01]

hey thanks guys your support means the world to me & not being judged is something i cant find words forbefore i found this site i felt sooo alone but i now see that its no where near the case ,the only thing i feel i can do for you isto support others on here & i promise i'll try my best i'm no expert but i hve spent months researching different types of mental health issues for not only myself but my bst friend also si i feel i have a couple of notches on my belt & lots of empathy again thanks & ill keep you all posted

Hi Stella,

I recognize many of the Gps concerns about not remembering the past and dissociating and the lack of self care.

I have never smoked . I did a bit of drinking . Every time I drank I was taken advantage of sexually and many times I would pass out on very small amounts of alchohol .

My main disorder was my eating disorder , ocd. when I started I told the therapist I had a normal happy child hood but I couldn't remember much .

After six months it was real clear that was not the case. I shared stuff little by little and for the first time I had someone telling me quietly thats things were not right. Most of all he asked "well how did that make you feel" and I said

I don't know. I didn't know what shame and guilt felt like or fear . I blocked all the time . I sat in the sessions many times silent.

I had no feelings about much of anything . I was also scared to tell someone. Not many people enjoy acknowledging thier own parents abused them or a freing or other relative. Kinda hard to wrap your mind around it. And its really hard to continue relating in the same way after you look at it.


When you grow up with it and live with it every day it just becomes a part of the sceneary .

I also had memories that are snap shots like yours . Of being in bed with my father . seeing him naked from behind a few other shots . a bathroom black out scean .

thats enough for me. I don't want any more. you may not need but so much.

I did alot of praying about it back then . I was also told I would not be given more than I could handel.

I have read here where a few have been given more and I don't know how they can manage but they are.


I forgot all about the daily bullying in scholl as well . It was untill five or more years later after speacking about it in therapy that I truely got in touch with the pain . Its the mouth open with no sound comming out because its so deep kind of crying.

this is not self pity. this is true pain that has to be acknowledged.

Even now as I share here on this forum . I'm making important connections . just yesteday I realized about five of my best girlfriends hit on me sexually and I had to leave the relationship. I keep putting things together in more " lots" "groupings" than single incidents.

I can now see why I have difficulty making new friendships In real life .

The more I talk about it the more stuff here and with my therapist the more comes back and it gets validated in a way I can now say yes this did happen . No its not plesant stuff. The only way out is through. Its not fair , But what was done was done.

Stella , Please try not to be frightened .
yet I know the feeling of facing the unknown.
I was able to handel what came up.

memories came back to me first with no feeling . It was a slow process for me to see what was going on was not right. Denile works in that manner.

You may well have Bi polar manic swings to deep depression along with childhood abuse.

the memory loss is usually associated with PSTD .or CPSTD

Hope this helps you feel a little bit more like you are not alone , but more imortantly , your not defective or bad or many other explicatives.

I call it ineffective. I'm inefective in my life because of what happened to me.

I had the joy and safety and love of life taken from me. My forgeting about it was my only way to keep going. It's difficult to get some joy and love back but its possible.
And it keeps getting better each day I keep trying to give.



Patricia

[Hunny]

Auroaralso & Others:

Thank you for sharing some of you story here. Auroaralso, you have been such an encouragement to me. You must know how valuable it is, for me to read the devastation you have gone through in your life and see how well you express yourself now. For reasons I would prefer not to go into here I want you to know that I am so thankful that you have shared what you did. Your post is exactly what I needed to read and now I will take further action on something.

Thanks again for everything!

[chaotic13]

Stella, I don't have any great insight to share but I wanted to let you know I'm hoping you can navigate safely toward a better life. It sounds like you have a lot going on. I know when it seems like I have many different issues pulling in different directions, its hard not to get totally lost and give up. I hope you will hang in there.