[notz]

Survivor?

My last session with my pdoc, who is my therapist, those were her parting words to me. She said, "Remember, you're a survivor" and then she said what she always says, "Call me, if you need me". Of course, I don't. Of course, I won't. I'm incredibly stoic. It takes an atomic bomb for me to me to seek help.

She meant to give me something to hang onto. A reminder of the progress I've accomplished since starting therapy over a decade ago. And indeed I have accomplished much.

I know I have physically survived, but what of the emotional snafu? What about the damage that remains? It's not like I can return to like new condition. Damaged goods - never to return to the way it was - can't argue with that.

Is this what it's like to survive? Emotional pain? Narcissistic injury? Realizing I'm in the 2 step forward, 500 steps back club? Everything hurts. Hear me? Every emotional fiber in my being hurts. I'm sick and tired of working so hard to have it all turn into tears and snot.

Survivor of what? Why?

[MINIME]

I also do not like to be called that or victem.

[pegasus]

Big hugs (((((((((( notz )))))))))))

I know it doesn't feel like you are a survivor all the time but there will come a time when you can truly hold your head up and say, yep! I'm still here!

Healing hurts, I'm sorry, my thoughts are with you.

[Pomegranate]

(((notz)))

I feel the same way sometimes. Recently I've been feeling sad and angry that yes, I've survived - and that alone is truly a HUGE accomplishment which we should not diminish - but how I wish I would start THRIVING!

I've been "surviving" all my 55 years now, and frankly I do get real tired sometimes of simply surviving. I yearn for thrive: to grow vigorously, to flourish, to prosper. I feel more like a little weed that you can't kill but never bursts into a full bloom of wonderful flowers.

Maybe someday, for both of us.

[LizzyB]

I thoroughly agree with Pomegranite (misspelled that horribly, sorry) who says, "how I wish I would start THRIVING!.... I've been "surviving" all my 55 years now, and frankly I do get real tired sometimes of simply surviving. I yearn for thrive: to grow vigorously, to flourish, to prosper. I feel more like a little weed that you can't kill but never bursts into a full bloom of wonderful flowers. " Oh my gosh, P., you said it so well! I know the feeling. Surviving is ok, but it leaves so very, very much to be desired. I feel as if I'm missing out on so much. But I still have hope.....

Maybe someday, for all of us.
Lizzy B, also 55 and living in hope, at least sometimes

[notz]

I really like what everyone has said. And I appreciate that you responded.

Minime, I'm not so hung up on the terminology as I am how lacking the terms are. Yes, I was victimized and yes, I survived. But now what? Survivor in recovery? Former survivor? Past survivor? Survived & loving it? Survived and still hating it! Isn't there a way to encompass it all in a forward moving way? Arrgggg...I have too many questions! Never a good place for me. Too many questions, the unanswerable kind. Too many tears, I hate crying like this.

I just need a job, anything to get me moving in a different direction.

Pegs, I appreciate your big ole' horse wings giving me hugs! Healing does hurt. New hurts hurt, too. It's just so overwhelming right now. And it's such a struggle to hold my head up too. I feel so depleted.

I feel more like a little weed that you can't kill but never bursts 
into a full bloom of wonderful flowers. :(

Well, Pom, didn't you hit the nail on the head with that one!!!I usually view myself as a noxious little weed that won't or can't go away while knowing I'm jamb packed with the capacity for beautiful flowers.

LizzyB, Thanks for understanding. Hope is a powerful place to be.

These are tough times.

(((notz))))))) dear one you wrote ((((Survivor of what? Why))))))))
You survived abuse. It may not feel like it, But you did . You are here. Yes it will take time. Like you said steps forward steps backwards. But your going to make it.
The why?.........no answer............except someone took avantage of you.
GO ahead and cry you are allowed that how you let it out.
Survivor means you made it .........
It means you may still have issues with it as you said you are,. But you are alive
and of course lots of questions. Keep asking them , I think thats how you work threw it.
Years ago I was abused, I do not talk about it much. Maybe not the same as you. As i never post about it, But i want you to know something. You my friend are not damaged goods. You are a person who matters to all of us here. Yes you may feel that way but in time hopfully that will pass.
P.S i always have enough kleenex when you need it


big hug to you (((((((((((((((notz)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[notz]

Thank you, Muffy. You're such a nice person. You are always supportive and give so freely of yourself. I'm honored that you shared so much of your own experience on my behalf. Big hug back at you, Muff

I'm still asking the questions. The main one, I guess... as I become more aware of what needs to be "worked" on and I realize that all the "work" in the world doesn't "reverse" the effect of the abuse, wth? I just thought I'd be feeling better, not worse!

Not fair, not fair! I'm angry as heck. The trauma of abuse is so pervasive! I would not be the person I am today if it were not for it. I acknowledge there are good things as a result, but pardon me if I don't get out the pom-poms. I'm just seething (yet again), learning a new level of what could have been, but never will be.

An expression I've heard in Alcoholics Anonymous sums up my reckoning fairly well. "Once a pickle, never a cucumber again."