[ConfusedOne]

The past month was one the the worst months in my life. I had flashbacks and memories that just wouldn't quit. I had blocked most of my childhood until April 04 after an operation. Then nightmares and flashbacks started. I couldn't put it all together until the last 4 weeks. I now know what happened to me at 11 years old. It is more horrible than I ever imagined. I knew something happen but just didn't know what till now. Now that I know what how do I deal with this crap? I went to Tdoc and Pdoc this week. Tdoc said visualize a container and put all my fb's and awful memories in it so I can take them out one at a time and deal with them. If I could do that I wouldn't need a Tdoc. My Pdoc gave me a new med to help with sleep. I am afraid to sleep. I sleep but not until 4 or 5am then up at 8am. but at least I am sleeping every day now. I just have to take one day at a time. Just when will the flashbacks and memories stop?
ConfusedOne

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time. I managed to block out my childhood memories for 25 years. Somehow, I managed to keep them away, until I was at a time in my life when I was ready to deal with them. I am now understanding why I have suffered extreme anxiety all of my life. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years, and it has been the hardest journey of my life. The flashbacks and memories are unfortunately a part of the healing, that seems we all have to go through. I know that nights are the worst. I wish I could tell you its a quick fix, but it isnt. I can tell you though, that you must have patience with yourself and trust in your therapist. When I look back 3 years, I know I have come a long way, and I truly believe it will all be worth it in the end. You are not alone in your struggle.........there are many who understand. Hang in there.......Take care......L

[melissa1202]

I'm am also just now getting flashbacks and memories of past abuse. I'm so sorry you are going thru them to. As I heard that the memories returning are our brains way of telling us its ready to deal with it. Nights can be very long and scary I know but hang in there. The most important thing I've learned is to keep one eye on the future and the memories/flashbacks will eventually go away. Good luck to you.

[ConfusedOne]

Thank you Kindergirl and Melissa for responding. I am so sorry you two have to go through this crap. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. Can I ask if you two have grounding technique? Now that I know what happened to me what do I do now? How do you have a normal life? Can you trust people?
Getting to the hear and now is getting harder and harder with flashbacks. I feel so alone in this. I am bipolar but most of the time I stay depressed. I am on trileptal and ativan and symbyax. Even on that I am afraid to sleep usually crash between 2 to 4am. God I hope there are no more memories I have to see. They were blocked for 40 years for a reason. I can't handle this crap. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. At 60 my life is over anyway.
ConfusedOne

[chaotic13]

I think one thing I focus on when I am feeling the adverse affects of acknowledging what happened to me in childhood is to remind myself that the present moment is all that really matters. I just try and do ANYTHNG that helps me appreciate where I am now. When I do this it helps me connect to the fact that I am so much more than just some abused child.

Confused One also remember that you CAN handle this crap, you have for the past 40 yrs. You life is not over, as long as you can draw a breath you can experience healing.

(((ConfusedOne))) Maybe the reason why these memories came back to you now is because your mind and body are telling you....you are ready and able to work through this pain and heal.

[ConfusedOne]

Yesterday I had at session. I asked why we were not dealing with this crap and she said I was not stable enough now. I am bipolar and seem to stay in a deep depression most of the time. Right now I feel like I want to step in front of a moving bus. It's 5am and I want to sleep. I took my meds at 9pm and fell asleep ok but woke 3 hours later. I guess I should be thankful I slept 3 hours but I am so tired. So I dod what I have been doing alot just writing. I am afraid that when I start to deal with this crap it will trigger more fb's and other memories. I know more about my childhood today than I did 35 years ago. I remember the vicious beatings, the psychological abuse, and sexual abuse. I do wish that crap had stayed blocked. I also know that dealing with this crap will be as hard a going through it the first time. I'm scared I have opened pandora's box and will have to pay the price for doing so. I see my life as over.
ConfusedOne

[madisgram]

i believe your T meant for you all to take each memory one at a time and deal with it in your sessions. perhpas writing them down on separate pieces of paper in the jar would help. then you can take one of the slips of paper to therapy and discuss that horrible memory. i hope this helps.it would be impossible for you to deal with it all at once, jme.

[ConfusedOne]

Thank goodness there has been no new FB's. I am still catching glimpses of things I don't know what they mean but I am not afraid of them anymore. I have been depression free for almost 2 months and it is wonderful. My T is still not dealing with this abuse issue. Just a lot of drawing which I hate. I am in an online survivor group that has been a lot of help to me during these past 4 months. Tips on how to ground yourself. The weekly tough topics has been very helpful too. I know that when I really get into this stuff they will be there for me. I thought I had to fight this fight alone but thank goodness there is online help.
I just hope there is nothng else that horrific my mind has to show me. My sister has been sending me pictures of me as a child that has helped me with some of the memories. Funny how you only remember the bad stuff and forget the good that was there.
ConfusedOne

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by ConfusedOne

Funny how you only remember the bad stuff and forget the good that was there.
ConfusedOne

This statement is so true. (((confusedOne))) You sound like you are doing better. I'm glad you found an online group to provide you some additional support.