[freespirit37]

I'm on the fence about whether or not to keep my sponsor. I chose her because we seemed to have a lot in common and I knew that nothing I told her about what I have done in the past would freak her out. I also chose her because I didn't think she would be controlling.

I told her about my PTSD. We are currently going through the fourth step and it's bringing up a lot of stuff for me.

I am constantly triggered. I mean all the time. I don't have alcohol or klonopin to calm my nerves anymore. And I'm not good at calming down without taking anything. I'm in therapy learning skills to manage my PTSD.

My sponsor does not approve of what I do for a living and wants me to get a part-time job. I can't right now. She wants me to go to AA meetings daily and join a homegroup. I can't do that right now either. I want to be able to do these things in the future, I JUST CAN'T DO THEM RIGHT NOW.

I freak out daily. Panic attacks. I am shaking right now. I have violent fantasies, and I have become violent in the past. I currently have a pending assault charge on my record.

Constantly exposing myself to triggers can be, and is becoming, dangerous. This is real. I am not exaggerating or trying to make excuses to not do stuff. My emotions are out of control and it's scary.

I don't even want to tell her my problems anymore because her solutions are: get a part-time job, go to meetings everyday, and join a homegroup.

This kind of thing makes me just want to quit AA completely and go drinking or get some Klonopin off the street so that I can handle life and my emotions. And I know that's a really dumb thought. But the way I feel right now is absolutely horrible.

I was about ready to send her a text saying that I need to take a break from everything right now because I feel overwhelmed and I feel like she is asking me to do things I am unable to do at the moment. Then she sent me a text saying she is proud of me. ARRGHHH! I can't cut someone off who is encouraging me.

I know she is going by the book and probably sponsoring me the way her sponsor did with her. I just don't feel like it is working for me, and it's making me feel worse.

I would think that working the steps, saying sober and going to meetings when I can handle it would be enough. Apparently not.

I have really mixed feelings about her right now. On one hand I am happy for her encouragement and support. On the other hand I resent her for telling me to do things that I am not ready to do.

[freespirit37]

I just sent her this text:

I appreciate it that you're proud of me. But I feel like you are pushing me to do things that I am unable to do right now. My PTSD is completely out of control. I become overwhelmed with the thought of getting a job, going to daily AA meetings and joining a homegroup. I just finished my fears list today and it brought up a lot of stuff more me. The panic will not stop and I have nothing to take to make it stop. I may check into arbour house if I can't calm down. I need to take a break from everything right now. I can't meet you on Sunday. I don't know when we will meet again. I promise if I feel like drinking, I'll call someone.

***

I'm putting her name in the box on the shelf and I'll pull it out when I am ready to deal with her, when I am calm and can make a rational decision about whether or not to keep her as my sponsor.

[avlady]

are you taking your meds regularly? can they up the dose if possible? why can't you take klonapin? i hope you feel better, i know that doesn't help probably saying that but maybe you need to talk to someone else in addition to her. huggs and please keep up the good work you've done so far you don't want to ruin it for yourself. just think in an hour from now you may feel better if you try to hold on that long and keep telling yourself you can get through this. this too shall pass!!

[Moogieotter]

Klonopin and other benzos could trigger relapse. Hang in there! Changing sponsors is perfectly fine. You handled it well. Try not to isolate and go inpatient if you're really suffering.

Just do what you need to do to stay sober today. PM me if it will help.

moogs

[freespirit37]

My Doctor DC'd my Klonopin when I told her that I was in AA. In the past, when antidepressants were increased I became manic and violent. There's no real effective medication for BPD, so I just have to learn to deal with it.

My sponsor and I have been texting back and forth. She says that she only gives suggestions and that I don't have to do what she says. I'm going to have to tell her that I don't want suggestions. But I'm also going to have to stop telling her my problems. When I talk about my problems, I'm letting it out and then I feel better. I'm not asking for advice usually. Sometimes people think that is what I want. I know that they are trying to help, but that's not the way to help me. The way to help me is to just sit and listen and allow me to BE. I will eventually work out the solution myself.

I think I will tell her I just need her help working through the steps. I don't need suggestions about other things in my life.

[mountain human]

The drugs and alcohol are, of course, just symptoms of a much larger problem, this is why 12 step programs focus on emotions as much or more than the chemical addiction. For many of us, chemicals (including benzos, etc.,) were a coping mechanism to deal with our intense emotions. Without this coping mechanism, it seems we are defenseless against the overwhelming feelings inside us.

All of us in recovery have been through what you're dealing with, in various ways. I promise it DOES get better over time--but it won't if you revert to using chemicals again. That's why staying sober is the 1st step to recovery. And the 4th step can be very unsettling, but most people feel a big sense of relief after getting all of it off their chests.

[freespirit37]

My sponsor and I have worked it out. She understands now about how bad my PTSD is because I told her some pretty bad stuff about my childhood, memories that had been triggered by Step 4. We're going back through Step 1-3 again and will finish Step 4 later. She's not suggesting the above-mentioned things anymore.

I just applied for disability. This will give me time to heal so I can go back into the world and be a functioning member of society again, without the added stress of financial problems.

I'm glad I expressed my issues to her and we worked it out. The old me would have just stopped talking to her and stopped going to AA altogether.