[rainbow in the dark]

Hello,
I've been on here before but was a bit scared or whatnot to talk about things in a calm manner. Anyhow, is there anyone in the 12 steps that doesn't get it? Sometimes it seems like people in this town try to ruin my life because I don't go to AA. The psychiatrist and therapist used to say I'm schizotypal, now they say they don't know but I am on the schizophrenia spectrum...maybe schizoeffective because I have crazy mood swings,,,and when I get real down like today, I don't want to go on. I like some of the people at AA but some trigger me, if you know what I mean. I'm also agnostic and it seems like a faith based organization. I try to do things with my own way and I guess people don't like it. Well if anyone could offer some advice I'd appreciate it.

[emgreen]

I hear ya. I do go to AA, even though I bristle at the mention of God & prayer. I use the other peoples' messages as my "higher power." I sometimes feel like an outsider when I speak up & say I'm an athiest. "Take what you need, & leave the rest," however, is a saying some in the program use to justify free-thinking. Listening to others talk about their experiences makes me feel less alone with the disease of alcoholism...& I attribute that to the years of sobriety I've got under my belt.

As far as missing meetings goes, there are times when I'll miss them for a few months at a time when I'm feeling depressed and/or semi-agoraphobic. Folks understand this about me, however, since I mention that depression is an issue for me. I have bipolar disorder, you have schizophrenia, but that's no one's business - depression is "socially acceptable," so that's all I have to say; actually, one doesn't even need excuses to miss meetings. The less you worry about what other people in AA think of you, the better off you'll be. There are some "Big Book thumpers" who maintain that it's their way, or the highway. Screw them! You're there to get & stay sober...& again, AA helps me do that even though I don't work the steps the way they do. I'd also suggest that you find like-minded people when/if you go. If you hit the same meetings enough, you're bound to find someone who has beliefs similar to your own.

Having written this, I know there's a possibility an AA diehard will criticize my words. If they disagree, that's their issue, which stems from their beliefs. You can be a free-thinker in both AA & in life in general. Being overly self-conscious can pose problems...That's something I had to work out through therapy (even though I sometimes forget!) You're probably aware of the Fifth Step...in which you're supposed to share your "shortcomings" & "wrong things" you've done. Some stuff I've shared with a sponsor, but other stuff is for my therapist's ears alone. Don't let someone else's set of rules or beliefs hold you back from sobriety.

If you ever have questions, or just need to bounce things off someone else, myou can always PM me here. Sobriety is something I take very seriously because I know what my unchecked alcoholism costed me. I hope I've given some info that helps. Take care.

[rainbow in the dark]

Thanks Emgreen,

I've been free from alcohol for a few years and pain pills a couple years. I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It makes me feel a bit better. I'm glad you are sober. All the people on psych central and are very nice. When I try to speak at AA meetings and I get all emotional> I have social anxiety. Thanks for the response again.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by rainbow in the dark

I've been free from alcohol for a few years and pain pills a couple years.

Wow! Congratulations! AA actually helps me with my mental health, too. I tend to isolate & going to meetings gets me out of the house when I'm feeling particularly anxious. Being around some people I know (having gone to the same meetings for a while), gets me out of my own head sometimes. You know what works for you & I don't preach. I just know that the space between my ears can become a bad neighborhood if I let it.

[rainbow in the dark]

Thanks! I tend to isolate but it doesn't bother me as much as the social anxiety. Anxiety sucks! It doesn't seem to go away if I go to a bunch of meetings. Getting out of my own head is a problem for me too. I see a therapist and try to do the CBT right now. One of the things AA does remind me of is to take it day by day. Have a good day!

[emgreen]

I worked a lot of CBT before I felt comfortable in my own skin (on good days I feel that way, that is). The CBT stuff dealing with gradual desensitization helped me with my agoraphobia & social anxiety - I still get both from time to time, though. My therapist also told me that other people are usually too wrapped up in their own issues to pay enough attention to yours, so social anxiety is illogical. Good luck with the social anxiety. I know first hand what a problem it can be.

[rainbow in the dark]

I notice I am getting different variations of anxiety when I go out. Some days I feel real good, some others so-so or awful. I went to AA meetings every day just about in my first year, then I get all wrapped up and I don't go, etc., etc. I like the meetings but have trouble with having relationships. I guess that's the schizo part. I guess people are probably wrapped up in there own stuff but it sure seems like a lot of people are waiting for me to speak and I have ADD or something because I go on tangents. It would be easier if I was more outgoing but, yada, yada, yada...I have to keep pushing forward.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by rainbow in the dark

...it sure seems like a lot of people are waiting for me to speak and I have ADD or something because I go on tangents.

...

I think about half of the people at any given meeting take tangential routes to somewhere...though I know not exactly where! Letting things out (tangents, or not) helps keep folks sober...that's how it works. You should hear this guy we call "Groovy Joe." He takes tangents all over the place & can talk for 10 minutes straight if you'll let him (he has a bit of brain damage he got in an accident when he was drinking & driving years ago)...but if I'm patient, I get a great message from him. He pisses a lot of people off, though...

[rainbow in the dark]

Yeah, a lot of people say it's good to let it out. This is what happens to me I'll hear the first person talk, the next and so on...and they all have good shares but after I listen to the last one and I want to share on the subject of the first one...I kind of get them all mixed around...so then I think I don't make sense...and then I worry I sound crazy

[emgreen]

I'm the same way, rainbow! What I hate is the fact that I sometimes want to just pass so I can really focus on what others are saying; however, a good part of the time I wind up opening my big mouth anyways...just like I do here!

[rainbow in the dark]

Well, you seem to have a lot of good things to say! I enjoy listening to the others, also.

[emgreen]

Well, I can really relate to what you've shared about your experience with social anxiety. I know it's approaching summer in Oz, so you're getting a lot of sunlight these days. It's getting darker by the day here "Up Top." I have seasonal depression, & when I get depressed I tend to isolate & the social anxiety creeps in. I haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks, nor have I been answering the phone. I know both of these things are counter-productive, but I'm in this unhealthy comfort zone right now. I don't worry about having the urge to drink, & I know I'll return to AA meetings eventually, but this is a frustrating time.

[Teddy Bear]

I went through the aa class but don't feel it was of great help

[rainbow in the dark]

Originally Posted by emgreen

Well, I can really relate to what you've shared about your experience with social anxiety. I know it's approaching summer in Oz, so you're getting a lot of sunlight these days. It's getting darker by the day here "Up Top." I have seasonal depression, & when I get depressed I tend to isolate & the social anxiety creeps in. I haven't been to a meeting in a few weeks, nor have I been answering the phone. I know both of these things are counter-productive, but I'm in this unhealthy comfort zone right now. I don't worry about having the urge to drink, & I know I'll return to AA meetings eventually, but this is a frustrating time.

Lol, oh yes summer here. Seasonal depression sucks. Maybe go for 20 minute walks. When I am isolating I force myself to go into a store or the library. It makes me feel a little better when I get back. Hope your depression lifts.

[rainbow in the dark]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

I went through the aa class but don't feel it was of great help

I went to beginners meetings where we could ask questions. It was helpful for me. I hope all goes good for you.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

I went through the aa class but don't feel it was of great help

AA doesn't work for everybody. I think one possible problem might have been that you viewed it as a "class" (like you were back in school, or something.) It's somehow more than that to me, though. It's hard to explain...

That aside, I know many folks don't like AA variety of reasons...which is OK. The important thing is quitting if you think you have a problem. AA has worked for me, even though there's a lot in the program I disagree with, or feel uncomfortable about.