[sad99]

Hi y'all. I have come to a conclusion of sorts. Ever since I married my husband, I have had moments of feeling trapped and of wanting out. He is a great guy, super nice and extremely responsible. I think one major problem is that I feel really bad about myself all the time compared to him. I feel like he is so super great and nice and that he never does anything wrong, never says the wrong thing, is always perfect. So in comparison, I am a total loser. I say the wrong things, do the wrong things, feel the wrong things. Some of the things he calls me out on but others, I call myself out on. I just am so miserable and want out so badly, but just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped in this relationship. I don't even want to kiss him. I resent him and see him as smug for being so perfect.
I used to be a nice person but I don't feel like I am anymore.

[Open Eyes]

How long have you been married? It sounds to me like you just need to invest time in yourself, go back to school and even read some books on how to better your self esteem. You have a nice man, and it sounds like you are continuously critisizing yourself and feeling like you are not good enough. Hey, he picked you to be his mate, you said he is smart and always does things right, well he did pick you, give yourself some credit.

I almost wonder is he is a better man than your father was and because you were raised to accept a different behavior in a man, you feel undeserving. What is in your history where you are fighting against having a good man? Now don't you walk away from this nice man, you figure out what is really behind your feelings and you just work on it. You keep incurring that you don't deserve this man, why? Get behind the reasons you have already stated and clear that up with yourself. You have every right to enjoy this man, you just have to learn how.

You know what some women do? They meet a really good man and because their father was abusive to their mother they feel uncomfortable because they think they should be treated that way too. You really have to get into your past and figure out where this comes from, don't throw away something good just because of something in your past that has made you feel some kind of inadequacy.

Open Eyes

[sad99]

Open Eyes,

Thanks for your input. It makes sense. My dad and mom had a strange relationship. I always wondered why they were married because they didn't seem to love each other. Once I got older, I started to see how my dad would give my mom certain looks of disgust or disdain and it killed me. I never wanted to get married or have a relationship like that. I guess am so warped by seeing my mom and dad's relationship that I am projecting my feelings about it on to my husband somehow.
I need counseling but I hate paying so much to go. I am a cheapo, but my husband insists that it is worth it. I know it is, but soooo expensive. Ah well, it's better than wine counseling.

[RomanSunburn]

Something to keep in mind is that you might be able to get on a sliding scale if you meet the requirements. That way you wouldn't pay as much. Also, NAMI usually offers free group sessions for their members.

I do agree that you're projecting on to your husband. I feel that you are taking your own insecurities and imaging that your husband sees them as 10 times worse. Also, the resentment you are feeling towards him might actually be how you are feeling about yourself. I think therapy would be helpful for you to work on your self esteem and learning to love yourself. You are a good person, worthy of love and happiness. Don't let your insecurities destroy that for you.

Good luck

[Open Eyes]

Sad99,
Well I am glad you have thought about it. We often pick things up from our parents relationships and even your own relationship with your father could be in what you feel now. He probably didn't give you much praise and affection either. So as you have mentioned what you grew up in is what feels comfortable, not that it was, but it was what you knew and somehow unknowingly accepted.

But you have a different man that is better than your father, and because of this you somehow feel underserving, you didn't have an example of this in your life before. It is only natural to wonder if you deserve it. But you have to get beyond that because, gee would you really want the same relationship as your parents. The whole idea is to grow into yourself and make the choice to do better than your parents did. There is also a generation difference you now have the opportunity to understand that old traditions are just that, old and obseleet.

The purpose of getting therapy is to help you recognize that you don't have to continue to put yourself down, this really nice guy loves you, he married you, enjoy him and accept that you got a good man.

Open Eyes

[sad99]

I feel as though no matter how hard I try not to be like my mom, I end up just like her. When she divulged to me her feelings and how things were between her and dad, I was mortified that she felt that way. I was mortified that her self-esteem was so terrible that she didn't think that there was any way out of this mess for her. She actually once said "I'm a woman, how am I going to make it on my own??" It killed me! How??? How did she go to college, regardless of her parents telling her that it was not in her cards? How did she pay her way through on her own sweat? How did she move to a completely different state to work as a teacher and live on her own?? So how did she forget all of that?
I feel like I never want to be married ever again, much less now. I think I figured it out. I never loved myself. I never could figure out how to, so I kept looking outside of myself for love - best friends, fitting in, boyfriends, lovers, husband, and now, a job. I am a newly graduated nurse and I can't get hired because I have no nursing experience and there are not enough new nurse residency positions to accomodate the new nurses graduating. So in my mind, I am rejected yet again. So I spiral into another depressive hole. I also see this as a lack of funding for my eventual escape of my life (marriage). If I don't have a job and a stable income, how can I ever live on my own again? And it just keeps going, rolling down the hill, getting bigger and crazier and I can't tell my husband all of this because I don't want him to know I want to be able to escape him. Do I even mean that? I don't know. But the sadder I get about it all, the more I want to be away from him.
I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to depend on anyone and that is what I am doing right now. I have no job. No income. No love for myself. How do you grow to love yourself?

[sad99]

and you are right, I see my flaws and I imagine that he sees them as 100% worse than I do. I must look like an ogre according to my view of myself.

Could you be judging yourself too harshly? Comparing yourself to others especially to someone like your husband who shares a greater degree of intimacy with you than other people can be counterproductive. I feel really bad about myself when I compare myself to my peers who are where I wish I was in life.

Another alternative to hiring a professional for the counseling is to browse books in the general psychology section at a bookstore, identify which ones you feel resonate with the difficulties you have been going through, and buy the books from discount internet shops. Make sure though that you work on improving yourself because you want to, and not because your husband says it would be a good idea. Otherwise, it might not feel very good. On my own, I discovered that my parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder; I have some form of dissociative disorder, NPD, and dependent personality disorder. I did pay for counseling for a few number of years, but no therapist dug as deep as I did. I am more comfortable doing it myself, though I am thankful for all that I learned from them.

I can relate to the experience you've had with your parents. My parents are still putting up with each other after all these years. In the past, mom would confide in me how awful her relationship was with dad. She made it sound as if she was a victim, and all men were bad and I would do well to avoid them and hate them just like she does. But she willingly married my dad and she can be a difficult wife at times.

You have to teach yourself to love yourself in order to love yourself. Looks like your parents didn't do that for you. I'd say start by being compassionate with yourself even though you've made mistakes that you regret.