Hard time accepting the fact that I'm female

Hey guys... Sorry I chose to not post this in the gender issues forum, because if I do I'll only get people telling me that I'm transgender and that I should transition bla bla bla.

Thing is, I don't want to transition, because that's not what I wanna be. I don't want to be a small man with a vagina... Sorry if it offends anyone but that's how I feel. If every woman who feels the same as me decided to inject testosterone, nearly the entire planet would be male.

But I still can't accept the fact that I'm a woman... And it got even worse after I tried to pass as male, which I did, and now I feel like I won't ever be able to go back.

All my childhood I've been treated like a boy pretty much, until I started having boobs. I didn't have any issues being one of the boys, nobody cared, we were all the same back then. I could dress and act the way I wanted, nobody gave a ****. I've always been around boys and socialized like them. I have been raised by a single mother who always told me to "man up", that crying were for girls and stuff like that. She just wanted to make me strong, which she did but it also convinced me that being a girl was bad as a kid. I really thought I would grow up to be a man, I always saw myself that way.

But then puberty came, I didn't even notice the physical changes at the time. It was the social aspect that really hit me hard, suddenly the guys I had been friend with wanted to date me, it ****ed up our friendship. I was suddenly always treated like a weak and soft little thing, every time I wanted to do dangerous things with the boys they'd tell me I shouldn't. So I would do all kinds of crazy stuff so they would respect me, which they did, but I was still labeled as the "strong chick".

Now that I'm more grown up and outta school, I'm just considered as a butch lesbian who failed every aspect of her life. I feel like I will never be able to fit in anywhere, I can't stand being friend with guys now because I'm always seen as the girl of the group you know, the little thing that everyone's gotta protect. When I'm in a group of girls, I feel like I'm in another country literally, to me it's like they were speaking a different language, or I simply end up having a crush on one of them... Which sucks.

I feel like a guy who simply got left out because he grew two breasts instead of a beard. I'm starting to hate life, myself, and the world in general. I feel like I will never be able to become who I wanna be... I'm never taken seriously for anything. I tried being an "attractive woman", by taking care of myself and my hair, thinking I'd maybe like it. But the only thing people could tell me was "you're so pretty", I'd never be seen as strong or simply capable of anything.

I don't know what to do anymore, I try to ignore it but everything I like or watch involves men and it makes me want to punch the walls. I'm so mad for not having what they have, I feel like I will never be enough.

I'm really seeking for help here... Because if I really can't get over it, I guess transition will be my only option...

Thank you to those of you who read this ^^

I will send you a PM later. Meanwhile, big hugs and welcome to PC

Awe thanks a lot!

Hang in there! I was in your shoes once. It wasn't until my late 20's that I accepted myself. I love sports, never wear makeup (except my wedding day), never carried a purses. I don't think like most women either. Mt Pdoc says that is the way I am wired. My hubby loves me for me. I have 2 sisters. The one who didn't want boobs, got the biggest chest. It was a tough go. At one place of employment, my nickname was butch. I didn't like it at all. I finally figured that being a guy would not have made my depression go away. I finally had a good T that helped me through it all.

Your mother played a strange role in your gender identity development by treating you like a boy, telling you to man up. You should explore more about that. Do you think she influenced you? Or do you think she treated you like a boy as a reaction to you naturally being a very tomboyish girl?

Are you attracted to men at all?

There are women who are perceived as being very strong.

Do you relate to being a lesbian?

What if you were on a deserted island and didn't have to worry about clothes or people's opinions?

Thanks for sharing your experience! That's what I think sometimes, maybe I'll accept myself someday... But for now it's really hard to be honest.

I think she probably influenced me a little, but I also think I would have ended up masculine anyway, maybe with less dysphoria.

No really I don't find myself attracted to guys... I will find some of them attractive but not in a sexual way, I'll just be jealous of what they have.

Well I guess I could be qualified as one since I'm attracted to girls, but I don't really worry/think about my sexual orientation though because I hate being in a relationship anyway...

If I was on a deserted island I would for sure transition even though there'd be no doctor haha, because there'd be no men to compare myself to, nobody to tell me I'm not a real man, and nobody to discriminate me.

thanks for your replies guys

Masculine and feminine are all preconceived notions put into our brains by our elders/parents. As babies, one usually dresses little girls in feminine clothing, and little boys in more masculine clothing. In actuality, there is far more to being a person that being overtly masculine or overtly feminine. I figure there is a scale, much like the sexuality scale, where you can fall on any number of gender identities between the two extremes of "girly girl feminine" and "super manly masculine".

Basically, mainstream society has two designated "slots" for gender identity, male and female. If you don't fit neatly into either slot, according to the physical anatomy you were born with, then the struggle to find acceptance is a big one. I totally get that. However, in reality, like I said, there are far more "slots" than mainstream society will ever recognize. Gender is a very fluid thing, and one can identify as either of the preconceived "slots", both of the "slots" or any variation in between. It's all down to whom you identify yourself as. What you feel is who you truly are.

Perhaps gender identity is even more complex than that. I wouldn't know for sure because I have always identified with the gender I was assigned to at birth according to what I was anatomically. Though, to be honest, I've grown from the girl who loved frills, lace and anything pink, to a more or less shorts and pants type of woman. I have skirts and dresses, but don't choose to wear them to often (mostly because I have thighs that rub themselves raw together if I go walking long distances wearing a skirt or dress).

Anyways, I think the point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't try to fit into those preconceived notions of who you should be, based on both your anatomy or your own personal sense of style/who you feel you are. You are an unique individual, and transitioning from being what society identifies as female, to what society identifies as male is a huge, life altering decision. I can certainly understand the pressure to fit into a certain "gender" to please society, and finally feel accepted and comfortable with oneself, but that won't truly make you happy.

You have to find a way not to please society, but to please yourself. I agree with Patsfan that you might find some solace in working through your conflictions and struggles with a therapist. Maybe then, you can find some peace and finally feel comfortable with who you truly are as a person.

Thank you very much for your message artchic528!

Yes this whole gender identity thing is for sure a very complex subject, that's why I try to not follow any set up rules because that's what everybody claims to be true...
I try to focus only on how I feel and who I personally want to become.

And I think I have finally realized that I was behaving in a certain way so I could please others, just like you said. I focused only on me for the last weeks, and I feel like transition is what I really need. I am happy now, I'm not letting negative thoughts overwhelm me, and transition just seems like the step that I need to take to finally break free.

I am definitely going to think about it more, give myself a couple more months to decide, and see where it goes.

But for now I feel like it's the best thing to do