[1111emm]

Does anyone else have the problem of being completely unable to make and keep female friendships as a woman ?? I have the hardest time with it! For context, I am 23 years old and have had this problem for as long as I can remember. It's really been brought to my attention recently, as I have a boyfriend of almost four years and I feel as if I have no one to hang out with besides him! And I feel as if it's inappropriate to make friends with, and hang out with other men because I'm in a relationship and I know my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it, so out of respect I don't. I'm not necessarily shy or reserved at all, in fact I tend to be the complete opposite in social situations, my problem is that I feel completely unable to relate to other women. I feel like a complete alien around women; I don't understand the social cues, the passive aggressiveness, the drama/gossip, the unspoken rules etc., NONE of it resonates with me! I am a very direct, no bull **** kind of person and I don't really think it's appreciated in the female community lol
Basically, rant aside, I just wanted to see if any other women feel the same way I do. I'm really trying to "expand my horizons" and do things I haven't really put effort into doing in the past (one of those being finding a female friend haha)-so any input is greatly appreciated!

[Proud123]

You are NOT alone! I also find it difficult to make/keep relationships with other females. It does get lonely, but I feel like I have NOTHING in common with the ladies I meet and it's not worth all the effort just to hang out with people who bore me. I end up being practically forced to hang out with my bfs friends' gfs, which is usually painful. I don't like being fake and acting interested in the bs that is important to the chicks in my area. So how DO we get past this and make female friends? How do we find females who are SUPER COOL in the same ways we are?

[Patsfan]

I'm the same as you. I don't relate well to other women. I really never have. Luckily I have my husband to do things when.

[Patagonia]

Can't remember the last time I had a girlfriend & the older I get the more I miss having that female in my life just to talk to & listen. Haven't had one in almost 30 yrs. sure I know females & what I'd call pals....but never a friend. I envy those that do.
I do still really search tho. But I've gotten very used to being alone.
Yes I can totally relate!!!!
Sorry

[shezbut]

I have always struggled making female friends as well. The result being that I often find myself alone. It's lonely. Sure, I've made friends with my ex-husband's~ but they stuck on his side, after our divorce. Ex-boyfriend's female friends were also very kind and friendly with me, but that was when we were all together. I never did spend time with his female friends away from him.

The result is that I'm alone a lot of the time & I don't think that is real healthy. Guys make friends with girls all of the time ~ we get along great! But, girls making friends with other girls seems to be some sort of art or something. Maybe I'll get the hang of if someday. *sigh*

(((hugs))) to you ladies. Best wishes!

[Travelinglady]

Hello, 1111emm, and welcome to Psych Central!

It's true that relationships with women have different expectations--sharing, just talking, exchanging little gifts and kindnesses, shopping, etc. With guys it's more just doing things together and less emotional intimacy.

There's a book called The Friendships of Women by Dee Brestin that a therapist recommended to me. It gives some good insights, if you're interested.

I do have some good female friends now and find they add greatly to my life--although my husband is my "best" friend.

For a long time this was me. I tried to make female friends but it would never work out long term. It made me sad. I understand that loneliness of not connecting.

I have got a good few female friends now and they seem to like me as I am (like you I can be direct/pragmatic sometimes). I think I was lucky to meet them and don't really have a magical answer to do that, just generally follow your passions and you will have a good chance of meeting those who share them.

[12AM]

I can relate with this, I find it hard to relate with another women. Luckily I found one woman who is just like me and we became best friends. I think every badass woman can only be a close friend with another badass woman

[BrokeTech]

Add me to the list. And worse yet, I'm attracted to women, not men. So, it's doubly hard in that not only can I not relate to or make friends with most women, but it's hard to date.

It does not bother me as an adult to not really be able to form female friendships, but it definitely was an issue when I was in school because when you're different from other girls they pick on you, bully you, alienate you from others who might like you, etc. I think the way I was treated by girls growing up is a huge part of the reason I don't care about making friends. I like talking to guys and have a lot in common with them, but I don't want to become too close to them because I feel like they almost always end up interested in at least having sex with you (been through this).

[Apollite]

I don't have any friends of either gender because I've been isolated for so long. I'm not sure I'd know how to make friends now! I was bullied by girls at school which has made me very wary of them, especially the socially adept popular ones because they weild so much power. On the rare occasions that I do interact with women, I feel uncomfortable because they usually like to discuss feelings, personal things and other people. I'm a private person, so I can't bond with them in that way. If I ever developed a rapport with a woman, I'm sure I'd feel comfortable opening up a little, but it would take some time.

[Fuzzybear]

To be honest, I've had too many female "friends" who were two faced users, and I have no wish to be used again, nor do I wish to be hurt by women who only care about themselves. . Having had a maternal unit who was a Narcissist, I think I used to "attract" females who simply wanted to use me and then discard me like a chew toy. Not cool.

[Travelinglady]

I'm reading another book about female friendships. It says women do need other women friends. We can have all levels of friends. We don't have to let them get really close if we've been hurt too much. I am careful in my "selections."

[Patagonia]

I've recently been told, again, that I need to find this illusive female friend.
The problem is FINDING one. It's difficult to encounter females that are, IMO, "free range." (Lol)
Females I know are attached to other subjects, like for me, they're attached to my SO or my kids friends etc so to find the right setting to find one is difficult especially when I have anhedonia & no desire to actually do anything. Every public outing is attached to something & I have to be careful.
At this point it's become useless to look until I change.

Originally Posted by 1111emm

Does anyone else have the problem of being completely unable to make and keep female friendships as a woman ?? I have the hardest time with it! For context, I am 23 years old and have had this problem for as long as I can remember. It's really been brought to my attention recently, as I have a boyfriend of almost four years and I feel as if I have no one to hang out with besides him! And I feel as if it's inappropriate to make friends with, and hang out with other men because I'm in a relationship and I know my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it, so out of respect I don't. I'm not necessarily shy or reserved at all, in fact I tend to be the complete opposite in social situations, my problem is that I feel completely unable to relate to other women. I feel like a complete alien around women; I don't understand the social cues, the passive aggressiveness, the drama/gossip, the unspoken rules etc., NONE of it resonates with me! I am a very direct, no bull **** kind of person and I don't really think it's appreciated in the female community lol
Basically, rant aside, I just wanted to see if any other women feel the same way I do. I'm really trying to "expand my horizons" and do things I haven't really put effort into doing in the past (one of those being finding a female friend haha)-so any input is greatly appreciated!

I feel the same way as you, I dont have many female friends, I dont trust them for one thing, I think men are more real then women, Women are fake and like to gossip are two faced, Will stab you in the back and try to steal your boyfriend, No thanks, I will pass on them, They are sneaky, I have had it done to me to many times by women I thought were my best friends

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

To be honest, I've had too many female "friends" who were two faced users, and I have no wish to be used again, nor do I wish to be hurt by women who only care about themselves. . Having had a maternal unit who was a Narcissist, I think I used to "attract" females who simply wanted to use me and then discard me like a chew toy. Not cool.

Fuzzybear, I also was raised in a Narcissistic home, I am sorry you were too, I dont trust women in general, I had a Narcissistic mother, I have nothing to do with that dysfunction family

[Shazerac]

I have very few female friends. I've recently realized that my issue was being betrayed and neglected in my first female relationship...my mother. She's alcoholic and tends to start blurting out very intimate details of my life and things that should be private. I DONT trust her at all. For me this has tainted my relationships with women. I take years to trust them and maybe decades before I trust them with private thoughts that I don't want broadcast to the entire world.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by 1111emm

Does anyone else have the problem of being completely unable to make and keep female friendships as a woman ?? I have the hardest time with it! For context, I am 23 years old and have had this problem for as long as I can remember. It's really been brought to my attention recently, as I have a boyfriend of almost four years and I feel as if I have no one to hang out with besides him! And I feel as if it's inappropriate to make friends with, and hang out with other men because I'm in a relationship and I know my boyfriend is uncomfortable with it, so out of respect I don't. I'm not necessarily shy or reserved at all, in fact I tend to be the complete opposite in social situations, my problem is that I feel completely unable to relate to other women. I feel like a complete alien around women; I don't understand the social cues, the passive aggressiveness, the drama/gossip, the unspoken rules etc., NONE of it resonates with me! I am a very direct, no bull **** kind of person and I don't really think it's appreciated in the female community lol

Basically, rant aside, I just wanted to see if any other women feel the same way I do. I'm really trying to "expand my horizons" and do things I haven't really put effort into doing in the past (one of those being finding a female friend haha)-so any input is greatly appreciated!

Yes, it got more difficult as I got older, chose to stay single and majority of my female friends got married or found live-in boy friends. And when that happened, I was demoted to being a "friend whom they used to love but no longer have time for."
Unfortunately, The same applies to my male friends because as soon as they get serious with a girlfriend or get married they move on to their new life and i hardly hear from them.
I disagree with the idea that woman are worse friends than men. It is merely an issue of trust and a true female friendship can be much more powerful than blood relationships or sisterhood

I have difficulty with friendships of either gender. I remember as far back as 2 years old, when I was forced to share a playpen with K, who was overbearing even at 2 years old, taking away my toys that I happily played with, which caused me to cry. It sounds foolish, but that memory has stuck with me for 44 years. My mom forced me to be friends with K because she and K's mom were pals. I think that is the worst thing you can do as a mother, force your children to be friends with your friend's children. Well, what if they don't get along?

Also, my mom constantly betrayed my trust growing up, telling her friends and relatives everything that I told her in confidence. Also, when I got blamed for something a boy at school did, she refused to believe me, EVEN after the boy's mother called to apologize to her and me for what they put me through. My mother STILL refused to believe it wasn't my fault. In 44 years that she's been my mother, she's never, ever apologized to me for hurting me, betraying me, lying to me, manipulating me.

So, if I meet women who are narcissistic, overbearing or have strong personalities who like to interrupt other people or be really sarcastic, that makes me avoid them like the plague. I can't stand women who are like that. I used to let those types of women use shame to control and manipulate me, the way my mother has my entire life, until recently now I won't allow that to happen anymore.

[reb569]

I'm going to add myself to this list. I don't have any female friends. I haven't in years. I used to try, but after getting used and abused too many times to count I don't trust most people. I do have acquaintances, but no real friends. One co-worker I get along with quite well, but I don't fully trust her so it is a work only friendship.

When I was in the Air Force I was in a male dominated field so I tended to have male friends, but once they started dating someone that would usually end. I had one male friend, nicest guy in the world, we chatted all the time, he never once tried anything with me, he was like a brother to me. His family finally joined him at the base (this was overseas) and the first time I met his wife I knew our friendship was over. She looked at me and I could tell she hated me.

Anyway, I have no friends, male or female now. And I'm now an empty nester. So it's just my h, and our cats and dogs. Our daughter and her boyfriend comes to our house to do laundry and we try to have them up for dinner every couple of weeks.

I'm trying to find ways to get involved in something, somewhere but my anxiety is preventing me from doing it.

[Curry]

I feel like I bumble around like a clumsy puppy when it comes to friendships with women. I do have some friends from high school, from writing club, from cuddle parties. I think I try to take whatever is offered in friendship, to not close the door to any type of intimacy. I have boundaries in place but my world is lonely, so I try to choose love whenever possible. I always wished I could have my mom in my corner, or my gran. I come from a family of alcoholics and I was always down the list of priorities. Now, I try to see that a friend having a cup of coffee with me, is just that, and enjoy it.

[winter loneliness]

I have female friends but I keep them at a distance.

I have a Type A personality and that can be hard. They are a bit passive aggressive.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

I have female friends but I keep them at a distance.

I have a Type A personality and that can be hard. They are a bit passive aggressive.

I agree. Passive aggressiveness is a psychological war.

[Curry]

Recently I was yelling at my youngest daughter. My boyfriend said we weren't communicating to each other in any way and we should see a therapist to learn how. He said to try and be curious and ask what she wanted, to listen, and respond. I put my frustration away and did that. I wonder if I've learnt to respond to a female being *****y by rolling up my sleeves and entering the fray. My mom is an alcoholic and hunted me to find out ways to hurt me. I am going to try getting closer to other ladies with the idea that I can be okay if they get angry.

[PsychohcysP]

I feel you so much. This is exactly me. Whole life I was rather friends with men - it is just much easier, straightforward and honest. I found only few women who are similar. I also don't get the unspoken rules and useless drama over insignificant matters. Just few days ago I had to deal with one of such female friends - so much negative energy and all those problems just taking me down..

We should stay away from the crowd, to see how many of us is there. All those society rules..