Was I raped?

Here’s what happened. About five months ago, I stayed up all night because I couldn’t sleep. Around 5am, I started talking to a guy on OkCupid. By 5:30am, I was heading to his apartment. My intentions were to just smoke some weed with him, but not to have sex. I remember wearing sweatpants. As soon as I got there, he was very touchy. We started smoking, and we were listening to music. He kept touching me, and eventually started to kiss me. I was very high. I didn’t want to kiss, but I kissed him back anyways, figuring it would be easier. Soon he got more handsy. I didn’t say no. At some points I felt fear, and I wondered if he was secretly video taping us. I didn’t resist, though I almost said “stop” a few times. Eventually we moved to the bedroom, and there we had sex. He used a condom and lube, and started very gently. It felt really good; he was the best sex I’ve ever had. He fingered me, ate me out, penetrated me, kissed me, kissed my feet, and choked me. It all felt amazing. Even the choking, which he did without asking or me telling him it was okay. I’m pretty sure I orgasmed. If I did, it was the only time I ever have I think. I squirted anyways. When it happened I was afraid that he was mad that I’d peed. He said I had orgasmed though. Soon, he came inside his condom. We laid in bed for a few minutes, my head on his chest. I was scared to leave. He said I could sleep there. I said no. I asked to smoke more weed, so we did. Then he started to kiss me again. I said “I’m tired” but he continued to kiss me. When he began to take off my clothing again, I repeated that I was tired. He didn’t stop. Wanting to finish what was about to happen quite quickly, I said he didn’t have to make me come again. We had sex again. He almost didn’t use a condom - I had to remind him. He came quickly. Then I left, and I watched my back as I was leaving to make sure he wasn’t following me.

Immediately after it all happened, I felt nothing. No anger, sadness, shame, anything. I didn’t care. Later I felt some guilt, though I didn’t know why. Now, five months later, I feel longing. I want it to happen again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve pretty much always had a rape fantasy, but I thought that was just a fantasy. Not something I would actually want. But now that I think it did happen, at least possibly, I just want more. I know that’s horrible and wrong though.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess I’d just like your opinions on if this was rape or not, and if the way I feel about it is okay or not. Thanks.

Well, I guess technically rape is about consent. You may feel that you didn't consent, but it doesn't sound like you actually told him that you didn't consent. So, I don't know, if you don't tell someone "no" then they don't know you don't want them to stop. In my opinion. I'm sure others feel differently.

However, the second time it sounds like you said "no." I don't know about rape but it does sound like you were pressured, which can feel as bad as rape.

What's concerning is that you say you want more. I've never heard a rape victim suggest that they want to feel raped again.

If you feel you mostly enjoyed it, aside from feeling pressured, then I think it's okay that you would like to explore it again. Many people like BDSM. BUT, I am concerned that you are putting yourself in unnecessary danger by meeting strange men. Please be more careful. Vet these men before experimenting with them.

Seesaw

This is a tough one.

The first time, it seemed slightly like coercion, but ended up seeming okay. He didn't ask if you were okay with having sex, and not to mention more or less took advantage of the fact that you were high. On the same note, he was also high. However, the first time, kissing him back and continuing to let him touch you probably was the 'consent' that he thought he needed.....although, it really is still iffy. I still think that sex should always have verbal consent, but maybe that's just me. You enjoyed it in the end, and that's good, so I think that experience is for you to decide yourself.

The second time however I would label as rape. He pushed himself onto you after you told him you were tired and didn't want to do that again; it was abundantly clear to him at this point that you didn't want to have sex again, but he pulled your clothes off anyway and took advantage of you. That was not okay.

Are your feelings wrong? Absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with having kinks or fantasies. Everyone has them, no matter how strange or 'wrong' they might seem to be. I agree with what Seesaw said; if you want to explore these feelings, then be very careful about them and who you are going to see. There might be a situation where things don't go over where you look back on it fondly; please vet the people you see before seeing them, and be careful!!!

Much love to you! c:

If this is rape then I have been raped several times . Men in my past were always pushy. I always thought if you eventually give in and just let them do it because they are not listening then it wasn't rape . But it seems by reading what everyone else is saying that I am wrong . Maybe that's why I still feel hate and anger towards those people .

There was another time when two brothers told me to come to their house to smoke some weed . I was drunk so I said yes even though I didn't know them. When I got inside I wasn't offered any weed or alcahol . Instead they turned the lights off and pushed me down onto the sofa and tried to have sex with me . I sensed that they lived with their parents because how they were trying to be quiet so I screamed and got out . They got so angry because I think I had gotten them into trouble by screaming which I'm really glad about . They followed me outside and were wanting to beat me up but I stayed where there would be witnesses so they gave up and I went home safe.

This is my prospective, from someone who is a sex addict.

The first time seems to be consential due to you kissing back, but I have felt that and it is a bit iffy.

But you both where high from something that does create feelings in the body. That adds another level of difficulty in deciding if it was rape. It all depends on how it affects both of you. And also his intentions.

The fact that you liked it, could be a sign of becoming a sex addict, if it becomes compulsive then it is an addiction. So a word of warning, please be careful, you can get hurt from this.

How are you feeling today about this situation?

These types of situations had happened to me in the past as well; and I always thought of it as just 'giving in' at first too, and hadn't considered myself a rape/sexual assault victim. But I learned later on down the road that it really is rape/sexual assault for someone to do this.

Because if you have said "no" or "stop" at least once, that should be the end of it. Coercion by annoying us until we give in or being pushy about it until we just give up and let them have their way was not consent.

I'm so sorry you went through that! And yes, you have a right to feel angry and bitter about it. It was wrong, and you were wronged....but we live and we learn and eventually learn to let go.....

And thank goodness you got away that time! Much love to you!

I also think it's beneficial to be really clear with partners. I have told partners to "stop" in the middle of something because they were doing something I didn't like. Not because I wanted to stop entirely.

I do not call what happened to you rape. I also don't believe that you have any reason at all to feel regretful or guilty since you enjoyed the time spent with the guy.

My one concern is that you went to someone's home without even knowing him. That is asking for trouble, sooner or later. Then you smoked weed right away, so you were not clear-headed.


You made several choices that you were responsible for making. Those choices are yours to own. Not to feel guilty about, but to accept as options you chose.

Don't confuse rape with rough sex or willful naughtiness or role playing, whatever you want to call it. Rape is a violent crime.

Given that you were, by your own admittance, very high, there's a good chance that means you didn't have the capacity to consent, even if had chosen to to. The legal definition of rape, & what constitutes consent (or lack thereof), is different from place to place, however its basic definition, is affirmative consent, freely given, by an individual with capacity to do so capably. If you are unsure, you could speak to a sexual assault hotline or similar to find out more, if you still have questions.

Regardless of definitions though, this encounter is concerning because not only did you not consent to having sex with this guy, but he didn't ask whether you consented beforehand, which indicates that he wasn't very considerate of you & your feelings about the whole thing, & that's pretty ******. I hope your future partners are less selfish, & treat you kindly & respect your autonomy more.

Thats tough as I have been on both sides of your situation.