Helpppp please - should I quit? If so, how?

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and looking for some advice on a work-related situation. I will try to make this as concise as possible, but I could really use the feedback if you have a moment to read through it.

A little background on my 'mental health' (this is PsychCentral after all). I'm currently on no meds but was for several years for depression and anxiety.

Without going into too much detail, I work as an admin for an SVP level executive in a mid-sized corporation. It is just me and him in a shared office building - the rest of the company is based in a different state. Therefore, I do not really have co-workers. I began as a temp, filling in for his admin who was "on medical leave" (I believe there was more to this, but that's a different story). Long story short, she never came back, so I was offered a full time, permanent position.

I had many "gut feelings" that I did not like this job from the beginning. There were certain "red flags" (at least in my mind) that my boss gave off - such as asking me if I was the type of person to talk badly about their boss during my interview, once I was hired - forbidding me to speak with his previous admin, cautioning me against mentioning anything to/talking with other employees casually, etc.

He gave me plenty of opportunity to get out of this job before I was hired. I made the mistake of chocking up my apprehension, nervousness, and general unhappiness to the point that my career went from 0 to 60 so rapidly (I previously had no experience supporting an exec). Not to mention, I have a crushing amount of debt, and the position offered more money that I have ever made. Therefore, I took the position and verbally agreed to stay through the end of 2014.

It has now been 8 months, and I am gut-wrenchingly miserable. I have been generally unhappy since day 1, but thought it would go away as I gained more experience and became more comfortable in the role. While I have indeed grown professionally and learned a tremendous amount, the feeling of despair, dread, and hopelessness has not gone away. It is affecting my physical and emotional health to the point I am getting sick way more often, crying on a daily basis, having dreams about work constantly, and basically hating life.

Why am I so unhappy, you ask? It really is my boss. I flat out don't like him or his personality. He has asked me before if I liked him, but what am I going to do, say no? I feel our personalities clash and we have trouble communicating. He says I need to improve my communication skills, but I believe I communicate so ineffectively with him and others in the workplace (according to him, not me) because I am paralyzed by fear.

I feel he makes comments that are somewhat condescending in tone such as "let me help you understand this more logically" "time out, let me explain this to you in a way you can understand". He criticizes my every word (god forbid I say something 'seems' or 'I believe so' - I get a lecture about this constantly). He gets on me for interrupting him, but does not give me the same respect. During a heated discussion today, he was drumming his hands loudly on the table while I was speaking.

This week has been exceptionally difficult - he's brought up the fact that we've had multiple discussions regarding my communication, listening, etc. We had a borderline argument today and he discussed my body language and how it was so telling of the fact I was uncomfortable and upset. I desperately wanted to breakdown and express my extreme unhappiness, but I just don't know how to bring it up.

I could go on forever but the issue is this: I wan't to leave. The problem is:

1. I agreed to stay, and I'm so intimately involved with his work role that it's not something I can walk away from so easily. He put immense trust into me that I would stay and continues to lecture me on how his constructive criticism is only to help me grow. This makes me feel like I just have a problem taking criticism, and that I need to grow a thicker skin and just deal.

2. I'm in my mid-twenties, and haven't had a job for more than a year and a half. Most of this was related to circumstances beyond my control (moving, school - I graduated college later than my peers, etc.), but it still doesn't look good on a resume.

3. I am worried I'll be just as miserable in my next job.

4. I'm absolutely horrified to have this discussion with him - any sign of conflict in a discussion with him and I start to panic and exhibit symptoms of anxiety (shaking, sweating, trouble breathing/swallowing). I've even cried in front him before. I'm sure he'll yell and get angry and I know I'll be a nervous wreck.

5. I feel that, even though I disagree with his method of delivery, he really does have my best interest at heart when he offers criticisms. That being said, he's put a lot of effort into helping me grow and I feel bad walking away from that.

I feel like this is a unique situation and I could really use some help. My poor family listens to me rant about this constantly, and I would like some other opinions (they think I should leave).

Help!!

Thanks....

Hello! I suggest you try to quietly look for some other jobs, and I also think it would be helpful to you to meet with a therapist. That way, you would have someone who can really help you analyze your situation and get a better idea of whether the problem is mainly him or if you can indeed work on your skills. Plus, maybe it will help save your sanity.....And save the sanity of your relatives.

I would say, "Try to do the best you can and ignore his slights." I know that wouldn't be easy for me, though. Learn what you can from him, including how not to treat people who are working with you. Criticism can be done without being mean about it!

It would be good if you could stick to your original agreement. Kiss your paycheck each week (or month) and remember the job is keeping you afloat and will look good on your resume, as you say.

I'd give this job/horrible situation a year and then find another job. If you stay a year you can honestly say you gave it a good try, learned a lot, but are now ready for another challenge.

Your boss is using your youth and inexperience against you to abuse you. You don't have to put up with that; you can learn and grow under someone pleasant and professional more easily than with this jerk.

Look around--perhaps through your university--to find a mentor. A friend of mine told me there are young professional organizations she plans to join; maybe you can find something like this too. That way you can grow as a professional outside of whatever your present employment is. Courage!

I had a friend who wound up working with a miserable person for years. The company was decent but the person he worked for was the worst he had known in his entire career. I understand you are between a rock and a hard place here but do yourself a favor and try to find something else quick. Don't leave until you have another job lined up. Sit tight and smile through the pain knowing that soon you will move on. Even though you agreed to work there for another year, it is so not worth it to continue working with an individual like that. You don't want to be left with no self esteem, depressed and bitter (like my friend). Best of luck to you in the NEXT job.

There's employment with tough to work for bosses. And then there's people like him.
1)You only Verbally accepted this position. I agree with a poster above, don't just up and walk away from the job, but keep your eyes and ears open.
2)I am having a gut feeling about this previous employees medical leave to never return myself.
3)Yes, you've gained some professional skills, but it is affecting your health.
4)My overall impression...narcissistic personality disorder, you are dealing with a man with a serious ego, and seems((see, logical rational people CAN and DO use the word seems)) to be taking advantage of your youth and saying what he did, is unacceptable. That isn't constructive criticism, that is cruel!
5)Of course, you don't want to have this discussion with him. Do you like me, don't you like me, do you like me?? That line of 'logic' isn't logic, at all! That's baiting, at the very least....
6)He's put a lot of effort in helping you realize something isn't right, red flags were there for a reason. Sure, we grow from encountering master manipulators like these 'men', but it's the kind of growth that tears you down, leaving you trying to put the pieces of your life back together 'growth'.

Wow....

Are there job prospects out there. You mentioned it's a verbal agreement, not a written contract.

Make it through your time there, get a good reference and get someplace a little less stressful.

Keep us posted

Welcome Daffodil8!
I read your story and it was like reading my own from a job I had at one point; it brought me so down with fear and sadness, and yet it was hard to walk away from for the reasons you describe. I have learned the hard way that life is too short to feel that way on a daily basis. Begin looking for another position and line something else up. The devil you know is not necessarily better than the one you don't and you will feel better that you are doing something about the situation by looking for a better match.

You seem like a responsible person, but you do not owe him; you only owe you something. You owe it yourself to take good care of you because no one else will. Find some place or doing something where you can thrive instead. It will make all the difference and is worth stepping out to look for in the end.

Meanwhile, hang in there and when the time comes to quit... yes, you have a verbal agreement to stay until whenever, but plans change. You can just say you have appreciated your position but an opportunity presented that I must pursue, here is my (how much) notice (in writing). If probes further, can always remind him, that this was meant to be a temporary position (need something more stable and/or in line with career goals.) ((((((Daffodil8)))))))

I would leave. I would work either part-time or temp for a bit more and then lump this 8 months into that "whole" (previous temp right through as if you have been, what does my resume call it? "Independent administrative assistant contractor or part-time employee with clients including. . .") and then I just give the basic industry, "engineering firm, nonprofit Federal training center operating out of the University of Maryland, Realtors, accountants, arts association, hospital management training consultants, residential school."

True, I did not work for a temp agency but you can put the temp agency name and then go through the types of people you worked for while with them and do the "senior vice president of a mid-sized corporation" line without naming the corporation or how long you were there :-) You did originally get the job from the temp agency so you aren't lying. Just give someone in the temp agency you know/like and who likes you on any form for "boss" and go from there.

5. I feel that, even though I disagree with his method of delivery, he really does have my best interest at heart when he offers criticisms. That being said, he's put a lot of effort into helping me grow and I feel bad walking away from that.

I've been in the same position too, and I feel for you. I left there, and now looking back, even though my job now is working out, I wish I had been able to figure out how to improve my situation when I was in it, because now I know how I could have survived, even thrived. But hindsight...

Anyway, i was wondering, if you feel he has your best interest at heart, and is trying to help you grow, is there any way to view his criticisms and tone in a different light, so that instead of tearing you down, you can apply them to your benefit? I'm not saying your boss is good, or right- it's wrong for him to be condescending and belittling- but just for you to try to pull out the lessons and move on.

I have been nervous and even cried in front of people before too (different situation), and what happens is people (especially men) tend to view you as someone to not take seriously, or someone who is "hysterical". Again, I'm not saying this is right, just what is. Change how you are perceived if you can, by working on hiding your emotions and seeming like all is well- I hate doing it, but it actually has worked for me and has freed me up to eventually be comfortable being myself. I have also studied verbal defense, and am better at politely expressing exactly what I want to say.

Hope this is helpful- I hope this explains enough. Good luck whatever you decide!

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice. The past several weeks have been very difficult for me, so I appreciate it more than you may know.

As an update, nothing has really changed in the situation. A few times have come up where I thought I should just bring this up or blurt it out, but I was too afraid. A few days ago, for example, my boss said he was going to dictate a letter to me. I thought that he was going to do it over the phone from his office, as he usually dictates e-mails to me over the phone while he is traveling, etc., so I can type them. He then said I didn't type fast enough to keep up with his dictation, that the process never goes smoothly (incredibly confused by this as I keep up with him just fine) and then he flat out said "you weren't hired for your dictation skills." I found it unnecessary and offensive. He said he could tell I was offended, but didn't think I should be since that truly wasn't something I was hired for.

Yesterday, someone missed a phone call for earlier in the day - they did not call in and said they had written the wrong day down. Unfortunately, we had scheduled this by phone so there was no paper trail, and he launched into a 10 minute lecture about how I need to get everything in writing (the situation is a little different in that the caller has possibly written down the wrong day before, etc.). He then said that this is an instinct I should have. He then said something like "There are people with great instincts, and people with average instincts... I don't think you're average, but you're also not great." That really offended me, and he then proceeds to tell me how he can tell I didn't like that comment "but it's true, and it's my perception." He then went on to say that greatness comes with time, so I understand the meaning behind his message, but I still think it was unnecessary and rude.

I simply do not know what to say. The core message is that I want to leave, but the situation is unique and I don't think I can go about this in a traditional way. Any thoughts on how I should bring this up?

Thank you all so much

Wow, I'm thinking you should keep writing down his comments and write a book, sorta like The Devil Wears Prada, but with a male boss instead.

And just another thought- I have this problem with hubby when I say a word that might not be the best word choice, like "O" instead of zero, and he says something like, "That's a ZERO!" all full of tone. I used to take that as he is saying, "You are so STUPID, that is a ZERO!" but knowing him better now, I realize he is all about things being right, exactly right, and he does not see the importance like i do of being kind when people you love are not exactly right- it's a different focus, is all. He is a good-hearted, hard-working person, so I persist.

I'm wondering if something similar may be happening with your boss. Not excusing him at all, I can totally understand why you feel as you do, but this may help you get through as he is at least cognizant of how his words and tone are affecting you.

Another thing i use with hubby, as he has this sarcastic humor that i take as hurtful sometimes, i turn it around and give him back biting sarcasm- among other things, I call him The Sarcasm Chasm, shuts him right up! Don't know if you could do this, as he is your boss, but maybe you could use it in other situations.

Take heart, you can make it through!

Maybe you should wish him Happy Mother's Day! Tee hee! Just kidding!

You can find some courses in the field you are in, give him the receipt of payment for the class and show him that you are serious about your career.

No sense, in telling your boss, you are considering quitting, if you don't have something lined up in writing and can actually give a legitimate notice.

What he stated there, I see what you mean about trying to help you succeed, knowing that you didn't have the skills to begin with. Perhaps, he doesn't have the most tactful way of expressing himself to you? Sounds like an exec in a suit, and went out on a limb to hire you?

Best of Luck. Hang in there, keep us posted.