Trying to do too many things...

Hi everyone! Below is the text I have sent through 'Ask a therapist' page. Actually I would be very thankful to just get some opinions on this, so please read and share your thoughts!

Ever since I remember I was trying to do too many things. Besides my job I always have a number of "hobbies" or "passions", that make it really hard to concentrate on one main thing or even to choose what that main thing should be. For example, lately I have become obsessed with making electronic music. So while being at work I am secretly spending nearly all my day reading and watching videos about the equipment and techniques. Note, that I mostly do not actually make music, but rather "prepare", "research" or "study". I consistently miss deadlines at work, but just can't keep my mind on the job.

But the worst part of this is that through my life I had a dozen or more of such hobbies, becoming obsessed, than switching to another, than going in circles. Some but not all of them include drawing, painting, playing different music instruments, programming, visual design, tournament poker (professional approach requires a lot of training), financial trading, internet marketing, and others. As you can probably guess I have never become decent at any of this, just "trying", "learning" and then switching to another. I am writing this because it looks like some kind of disorder to me, I just spend a lot of time with little results, my main job is constantly in danger because I am distracted and I am very frustrated. I don't understand, why do I even want to do these things. I just become obsessed and can't stop, can't control it.

I would really appreciate if someone could explain what is going on with me, why is my mind working this way and what to do to actually live a more simple and fulfilling life. Thank you!

Welcome to Psych Central. I read your post and can empathize with jack of all trades master of none.

What strikes me as a blatant mistake is to compromise your work by doing things other than work in work. This is grounds for dismissal where I work. Being without a job in this economy is not an easy thing to deal with.

I would say make or learn about electronic music on your time, but give the boss his 8 for 8. Eight hours of work for 8 hours of pay.

You could just be a searcher. Perhaps this book might inspire you on your non-working hours. CALLINGS by Gregg Levoy. It tells of people who meet obstacles and find new inner callings. It is not a book of answers as much as it is a book of questions.

I am going to check out Callings. I found Barbara Sher's books on Scanners helpful - you can get the gist of what a 'scanner' is here: Are You a Scanner? By Barbara Sher

I wonder if looking in the Attention Deficit or OCD forums might be helpful? I do something similar in terms of hobbies, but I can usually control myself at work. Can you block the internet or whatever it is you are using to do this research when you are supposed to be working? If you think about the fact that your employer can monitor everything you do, does that scare you into stopping?

Everything else you wrote, I do the same thing. I get very interested in something, spend a lot of time looking into it, but feel like I've never taken it far enough. In some cases, I am sort of beating myself up in an invalid way-- we *do* acquire skills and knowledge, even if we don't take it as far as we think we should. I would like to just finish something someday, though.

Do you find that you come back to projects a year (or few years) later?

First of all, thanks for your replies! Sometimes it feels like everybody else are just normal grown ups who know what they want and I am just a lost child, totally confused about work and life in general. In moments like these it's so great to just hear that somebody understands what you're saying!

You're totally right about my work, it's so embarrassing to admit that I in fact steal my working hours while still getting my paycheck I work in a tech company where having flexible hours is considered a good thing, but for me this has become a free fall into just doing whatever comes to my mind and putting off my main tasks. I just have to take over this uncontrollable behavior and start to actually deliver consistently the work I am paid to do. I remember that for some time I was practicing meditating daily for at least 15 minutes and that actually improved my ability to control my impulses. So I think I absolutely have to start that practice again.

Also thanks for you book recommendations! I have found out recently about Barbara Sher's book (didn't read it though), and will try to read the other one too. And actually I think I really find some similarities with OCD and my behavior. So I will probably look into what techniques they have for managing obsessive patterns.

I kind of feel that I'm slowly building up skills in different areas. But that is happening really really slowly. And that is a lot of times the source of my frustration. And yes, it seems like I just can't finish anything.

One of my biggest questions lately has become "What am I actually trying to achieve with this?" Say I like painting. But do I paint every day just for the joy of the process? No. What I will do instead I will go to the internet and start reading about the techniques. Then I will go shopping for paints and canvas. The I will spend hours and hours looking at works of artists on the internet, trying to come up with references of the style and technique that I would like to do. Then I will actually try to do it. I will be most likely unhappy with the result, and maybe do everything I have just described once again. It all looks like I am actually afraid of the process, and afraid of the result, because a lot of the time I come from the assumption that my results will be "not good".

So why do I want it then? That is the question. It looks to me like some little child inside of me just wants to impress the world, but at the same time is not sure what exactly to do.

I think you know it's because you simply don't have the time to do everything. You're turning into a Jack of All Trades…but a master of None. It's not the worse thing to do in life by any means but you run into not really being an expert on anything. From someone who's been in a similar situation, it really messes with you.

This is an excellent question. Ask yourself this about every activity and whittle down things that are just cool to do every now and then and spend more time doing the one or 2 things that you really really like. Yes, you have to pick only one or 2. lol

Even pro artists will say that reference-shopping is good but at some point, you have to shut up and draw. (that's what I tell myself to kick myself into gear, shut up and draw). The ONLY way you ultimately get good at things is by doing it. Set a time-line for your activities. As someone stated earlier, give your work a good 8 hours and actually schedule time in your days and weeks for other things. Don't just do hobbies when you feel like it, write down to-do lists.

I like knitting, sewing and illustration but I also have a part-time job. I work my job 25-30 hours a week but I schedule maybe 15 hours a week outside of that for drawing and then work on my knitting a bit before going to sleep at night. I like sewing less than those other things so I take a day or two a month to really work on sewing projects. I don't use my knitting time to look up things for my art. Each activity has to stay in it's lane. Any time researching is spent NOT doing an actual activity.

You are the only one who can answer this for sure but I'd say that since the process of things is so important, go with whatever process you enjoy the most. Having a decent end result is nice but not when it sucks out your soul. Don't quit your ob though, phase it out gently.

Practice meditation! It will help you focus at one thing at a time!

I can't tell you how much I identify with this! That is more or less my process, although I often lose interest in the project for 6-12 months immediately after purchasing the supplies. This is probably a lot more common than you think (except for doing all of this at work instead of during free time). I have other friends who also struggle to overcome this.

I have found it helpful to remind myself that certain types of projects I always fail at or give up on. I like the idea of sewing, but I do not like the actuality of trying to sew straight seams. I like the idea of knitting my own pot holders, but I don't like doing it.

I have also stopped the practice of buying supplies before my research is complete. I no longer allow myself to buy supplies until I am ready to sit down THAT DAY to work on the project.

But I still engage in this behavior with projects that don't cost money or require supplies, jumping from one software project to another, one writing project or business idea to another. It's really, really hard to quit it and control it.

I hope we can both reign it in when we should be working!! I also found meditation and exercise outdoors helped me focus, but I haven't been consistent about it.

Thanks for sharing your experience, this is how I am actually trying to organize things in my life (at least lately). Good to know that this can actually work for someone. I have come to a point when it is absolutely obvious for me that even if I go with small steps, "Each activity has to stay in it's lane", otherwise it's just endless jumping from one thing to another without actually "picking up where I left".

So what I am trying to do now is to define what my actual project is for each activity, outline the steps to some measurable final result and then schedule the time with reminder of when I will be able to commit 100% to that activity. Yesterday I have set a reminder for myself to start painting at 6PM and also planning what exactly I will start to do. What I have found out is that this allowed me to clear my mind and handle quite a bit of work before that time. So I really hope now that this approach will continue to work.

Thanks, you reinforce my belief that meditation can be really helpful. So far I have meditated daily for at least 20 minutes for 4 days in a row. I have heard that real results start to appear after some weeks of daily meditation, but it seems like I already find it easier to concentrate on my work by just telling every other thoughts something like 'Please, not now'.

Thanks for your words, it really means a lot to see that I'm not alone struggling with such problems!

While trying to come up with practical methods of actually going forward in my (at least some) activities, one big question that still bothers me is this "want to have something (become someone), but don't want to actually do it" pattern. Didn't you find it a bit weird when you say

It's the same with a lot of what I do, here's an example: One time I was obsessed with idea of becoming a professional poker player, seeing this as a fun job and a potential source of quite high income. I have spent huge amount of time (a couple of years?) studying poker math, playing and practicing, analyzing the games. All this time I was envisioning and dreaming that I will become this cool guy, who has this cool job that is actually a game and not a traditional 'job', and who also makes a ton of money from it. Then I suddenly realized that I don't want to 'actually do it'. In my dream this all was so great. And while I was profitable and making some money, I just did not want to play poker every day all day. After probably 10% of my expected way to poker greatness, I gave up.

Sometimes I think that all my "obsessions" are actually compulsive. It's like their inherent meaning is lost, and what's left is just some image, some picture of success, achievement and fame. It's like I look at a famous painter and think "Oh, I want to be like this guy. What does he do? Paint? So I think I want to be a painter". But I'm still not sure I want to actually paint for decades, maybe even not able to sell a single painting, just for the love of doing it. So what pushes me into this pattern? Need to win admiration of other people? Just need for some self-confidence? I'm pretty successful in the field of my main work, a lot of people work really hard to get the position and salary that I have got. And yet I can't stop, can't calm down, can't enjoy what I already have -- something is always missing...

I don't actually find it weird when I say that I like the idea of knitting my own pot holders but that I don't like doing it. Maybe I am just used to being this way, but I have no problem trying something and deciding that I don't actually like it. I am now at a point where I have tried enough things that I can recognize (sometimes) which things I am probably going to like more in theory than in practice.

For example: I would like it if my stairs were painted in a decorative way. I started looking into doing that myself this summer and soon remembered (thanks to reminders from others) that a) it would look like crap if I did it and b) home improvement projects make me unhappy and c) I never finish them. So, like you said - I want the outcome, but not enough to do the work.

For me, taking that second to pause and remember that I am not going to be Leonardo da Vinci after a month or two of practice is enough to make me rethink whether I want to learn painting at all. I think some of my motivations to do X are similar to yours. I look at people hiking in Patagonia and think that sounds great, but then I think about climbing mountains with a backpack and decide nah...

Are you in IT? I am. I suspect the constant desire to master new skills is actually a good thing in this industry.

You seem to be ahead of me then But I think I am also slowly getting into a habit of trying to fore-see what will actually take to get some decent results in some field. Sometimes when you see master at work, what he or she does can seem so easy and joyful -- I've probably fallen for this more than once. But I have to remember that becoming such master is only possible if you like that thing in it's wholeness, not only the actual act, but also the training, the preparation, the practice, each and every day, despite the endless trial and failure. And if not willing to go through this -- it's better to just stay away.

Yep, coder here Thank God for my ability to learn new things fast, I would not survive otherwise in this crazy industry!