FMLA-Mom died, dad dying, Go back to work?

My mom died suddenly a few weeks ago. It sent me into a major tailspin between the grief and depression. I went out of work on FMLA and short term disability. Last week my Dad, who I am the primary care taker of now due to his stroke, got diagnosed with end stage prostate cancer, given 4-8 months to survive. I can't see straight at this point.

I got a letter from the insurance company, I have to return to work February 7th when FMLA ends. Dad also wants to move out of state to be closer to the grandkids into assisted living, which I am all for whatever he wants to do but I cannot move with him, and will miss him. However I can visit if I have the time from work. It is that weekend of the 3rd -8th that we had planned to move him, the apartment is not available until then. I could be back in time to return to work if I need to to but am I really functioning is the question.

I know I will be of no use to them at work by that date and at that point due to how distracted I am, between not sleeping, the racing thoughts and emotions, and utter fatigue. Things are a bit overwhelming right now.

My dilemma is that my brother can make all the rest of the arrangements if necessary. If had to go back to work, I could go back, useless but could be physically present. Some are saying it would be a good distraction but I cannot afford to be distracted in my line of work. Also I have no PTO time to take off though as he get worse to go and see him and and they won't let me off without it.

I could continue on short term disability/long term disability and get SSDI reinstated, which after working so hard to get off of it, I never thought I would need it again but take the time to heal and to spend with him. I had really good performance reviews before having to leave; perhaps when I was ready to come back and if there were job openings that they might consider me or at least would not be given a bad reference. I have hated to leave them in a lurch but my folks are my best friends and mean more than anything to me, yet income and benefits are important and my reason for hesitating.

Everyone keeps telling me not to make major decisions while grieving and it seems like that is all I have to make since she died. I am so tired. I think I would regret not having the time with him though.

Thanks for listening and any thoughts are welcomed.

This is just my personal experience but my biggest regret was not taking time off to care for my father, and thinking that work would somehow help me deal with it all, when he had cancer. That was 14 years ago. Fast forward to now, and I resigned from a busy national job which paid well but meant lots of travel, so I could care for my now 85 year old mother. I work from home and part time and made major adjustments to how I live and the money I spend. I don't regret that at all. My parents are everything to me too. Work seems so much less important to me now than it did. I just see it as a way to earn money to pay bills. I'm 50 this year. My heart goes out to you in this situation, it's so hard. I hope you find the answer you need, and some peace.

If financially I could, then I would choose spending time with my dad.

I'm sorry for your loss, and cant imagine anticipating another so soon after.

My thoughts are with you, and hope you make the decision that's right for you.

From what I know LTD last for about 2 years. Would your work be ok with you taking the Short Term/Long Term and then returning?

Have you talked to HR about your dilema? SSDI is so hard to get approved for but if you are in the Ticket to Work Program you could have the option of reinstating your benefits easier but there is still a chance the SSDI reinstatement could be denied.

If your leaving work due to the original conditions for which you applied for SSDI and were approved the first time...than it is more likely that you would be approved again.

But, you possibly wouldn't have to go that far if you used LTD...and then were able to return to work.

You are going thru so much and I totally understand that you are not going to be able to focus at work with all that is going on...it seems you do not have any other choice but to go for the Long Term Disability and take it from there.

You also say that you could visit your Dad so I'm assuming that his move would not be THAT far? Maybe after he got settled into the assisted living your mind would become more at ease.

I'm sorry for your losses and I'm sorry for your Dad having to suffer the loss of his wife and now deal with a devastating diagnosis.

Someone already said it and I agree...stick with the time off....see where life takes you (if you can afford it).

Thank you for sharing your experience. I just keep thinking, I have only one Dad and am losing him; I can always find another job. I just hate to go back on social security but considering that I am barely holding it together and it is getting worse the more the shock wears of and the reality sets in, I would qualify to get it reinstated and it would be the only way I could support myself to also get the time and help I need right now with losing both of them. I am just so scared of being without both of my best friends. It is unfathomable to me but is becoming a reality.

Thank you again for your insights and support; Sending hugs.

Thank you for your support! It means more than I can say.

I was told while grieving not to make any major decisions but that it is seems is all I have been having to make since Mom died. I don't think I would regret losing the job but would not spending time with my Dad. I can find another job, not another one of him.

I need to talk my employer and to my doc. I have an appointment next week with the doc but thank you for the reminder that I need to call my employer. We will see what they say. I would like to stay on good terms with them.

I talked to social security and am in e window that it can be reinstated. I have now qualified for short term disability but do not know how long it lasts and need to find out more about it and and long term disability.l will have to look into.

Thank you for the suggestions and for the support!

I admire your dedication and love for your parents...and I'm sorry that you are going thru all of this at once.

I had to make a decision yesterday about going back as FML(A) ended yesterday. I would have to return to work today. I had hoped there would some sign to definitely let me know about making the right decision...nothing, I just had to make one.

So I based on my current state right now, could I go back since I have no idea what will happen to Dad and how fast he may deteriorate? I have been so busy with my parent's affairs and my Dad's move to be closer the grandkids that I realized how I have not been taking care of me but everyone else only. This may sound selfish perhaps but I needed to take a few moments to sit and take in my pulse, emotional and physically.

I realized that deep down I am a mess right now, seething with emotions, I am physically drained, running on caffeine and sugar. I have just been distracted by everything else. I haven't had time to process any of this. I am worried what will happen once he is gone, am back to living in this house, for the first time alone since I moved in to take care of them. I need to take some time to heal. I couldn't put one foot in that door of work is what I realized. I also want to be able to be there for him when something happens.

I called work. The decision is made, not returning yet. We'll see what happens from here in the work process. I still feel nervous about this decision logically letting the position go but know this was the right thing to do for my overall well being right now. Now I just have to figure out how to cope when it all comes flooding in.

Thanks for listening and I hope this finds you well.

I believe you made the right decision for you.

dear freesia, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. to lose her unexpectedly. you must still be in shock. and you haven't even had time to fully grieve for her due to all your obligations. and the anticipatory grief of losing your father, your other best friend. to feel you might be alone after he passes. I understand that feeling. have you considered talking to a grief counselor? and like the other posters, I too feel you have made the right decision in leaving work to help care for your father. you will never regret that. as for the money part, I remember after my mother passed away, we hired a man to help with cleaning her apartment. he told us that he became a housecleaner so that he could have flexible hours because he wanted to care for his elderly parents. i hope you will be able to work everything out. may the strength that your parents' love nurtured in you sustain you through this very different time. wishing you well.