I cannot shake the feeling that my incompetence may have led to a client dying of pneumonia. It was just a coincidence that the night i hadnt fitted the incontinence pad he ended up in hospital not long after. A bi$$h faced co worker wrote in massive capitals so all u could see on report sheet was that it was my fault the bed was SOAKING.
I think that i should have A) been trained better or b) worked in a home first so i had experience or c) Changed my mind after the trial run. The last would have hapened if it werent for my father calling me lazy for choosing a job at Tesco, my smarmy coach calling me lazy, and girl in previous job for insinuating i wasnt up to the job.

[hvert]

Do you have a supervisor you could talk to about this? Sure, you made a mistake, but that doesn't sound like something that would have caused someone's death - and shouldn't there be a safety net in place for people who are new to jobs, where more experienced people supervise??

I had to leave the job because i made two more c$/k ups. They were serious. I popped the wrong box when giving medication. It started from right to left. Morning started on lright hand side and i, since with english speakers read left to right so i was in auto pilot and started on left and gave night time pills in morning. I also gave someone an extra diazepam and the women went loopy! She went oh no i dont want to go back into the hospital and deal with the nurses. So when i phoned office staff a new woman forgot to cover the phone receiver and i overheard her saying " is she still working here i thought we were getting rid of her" and the penny dropped. So i wrote a letter of resignation and my bubble of denial well and truly burst.
Why do i keep messing up? No matter how much i say to myself i will pay attention and do everything according to the book, i get carried away every time. It is time i broke this cycle. I am tired of being a failure. To date i have lost four jobs, but only two technically. With one i was offered a different position and held onto it and this last one i quit just before i was sacked. I think someone felt sorry for me. I made mistakes but my personal life was absolute disaster putting me under so much stress. I started taking risks and i was whisker away from a head on collision with a another car while i drove to my first client in countryside.
So i am done with looking for work for while and going to put my energy into studying and i will be my own boss. I want to make it right. I have been goign against the grain. By ths i mean i havent been working to my strengths. I thought i could adapt to anything if i tried hard enough but i am not suited to extrovert roles like retail and sales and caring for elderly . I had learn the hard way.
It just plagued my mind this last week that it was possibe that i may have been the reason this man got pneumonia from the wet sheets.
Nil by mouth

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sapphire

The man would not have got pneumonia from you forgetting to fit the continence pad
It was not your fault

And the messing up- although I'd be saying making mistakes- do you think that could be largely due to the stress in your personal life??
Sure people say that you need to treat work as separate from your personal life..........but that can be a whole lot easier said than done sometimes!!
And when you have real difficulties in your personal life, as you said you had, then it can be unavoidable in that it's going to have an impact on you in a lot of other areas of your life inc. at work.
So perhaps none of this is about any "incompetence" on your part but much more about stuff you've been going through and maybe stresses of work adding to that??

And hey, if you want to talk about some of the stuff in your personal life...........
But otherwise I would say that yes, you may have been giving peoples opinions a little more (a lot more!!) thought/credit than they deserve as in your father's, the coach's, the girl from your previous job's.........just because it's someone's opinion doesn't mean there has to be a chance that they are right, or even that you need to prove anything to them.........if they're not supportive/if they are negative then.........

And this: "I have been goign against the grain. By ths i mean i havent been working to my strengths"
Absolutely!!! Do what feels right for you!!! You are going to have strengths, just as everyone has strengths and weaknesses!!! Nevermind what anyone says or the "Should"'s that may come to mind, keep on working on what might be right for you and what you want.........in both your work and your personal life

Alison

[Perna]

What Frankbtl says! You do not get colds from being out in the rain, you do not get pneumonia from a wet bed and only about 6% of people who get pneumonia die from it; it was not your fault, the person was that ill.

You don't really know if you fit the pad correctly or not or if it was something else entirely. Things come loose anyway, are not what they appear at first (you thought you had it right or you would not have left it that way), there are other factors besides you; not least of which is the person doing the all caps that it's your fault (instead of their own?). After a failure occurs (the soaked bed) it can be extremely hard to tell what caused the failure.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Sapphire

The man would not have got pneumonia from you forgetting to fit the continence pad
It was not your fault

And the messing up- although I'd be saying making mistakes- do you think that could be largely due to the stress in your personal life??
Sure people say that you need to treat work as separate from your personal life..........but that can be a whole lot easier said than done sometimes!!
And when you have real difficulties in your personal life, as you said you had, then it can be unavoidable in that it's going to have an impact on you in a lot of other areas of your life inc. at work.
So perhaps none of this is about any "incompetence" on your part but much more about stuff you've been going through and maybe stresses of work adding to that??

And hey, if you want to talk about some of the stuff in your personal life...........
But otherwise I would say that yes, you may have been giving peoples opinions a little more (a lot more!!) thought/credit than they deserve as in your father's, the coach's, the girl from your previous job's.........just because it's someone's opinion doesn't mean there has to be a chance that they are right, or even that you need to prove anything to them.........if they're not supportive/if they are negative then.........

And this: "I have been goign against the grain. By ths i mean i havent been working to my strengths"
Absolutely!!! Do what feels right for you!!! You are going to have strengths, just as everyone has strengths and weaknesses!!! Nevermind what anyone says or the "Should"'s that may come to mind, keep on working on what might be right for you and what you want.........in both your work and your personal life

Alison

My personal life was derailed when i was 18 and first got ill. I left that job at 24 about same time i left my fiance. I was living a lie, and he did nothing for my self esteem. I felt trapped but i found strength to finish it. We were together six years. Because i had been ill the power dynamics were unbalanced when we started dating when i was 18.
He made me (coerced me) into believing that i owed him for sticking around when many did not. I had a couple of pals i went to pub with but he was only person i could talk to so i put up with his jibes and possessive attitude. It was like so many other erratic pairings, it wasnt all bad. Everyone thought we belonged together.
Its so hard to sum things up without writing a novel! But years down the line i difted apart from school friends and never made new ones. And i hadnt forgave my parents. I was lonely and lost.
I did some atrocities while i was ill. I decided i had to move away as i had nothing left in my hometown. I couldnt hide i had been in psych ward from employers. I doubted i was capable of college any more, thought my ship had sailed.
Once i left my fiance, i moved in with family. I had no social life and lied to people at work and i hated myself for being such a loser. I helped care for my deteriorating reative and all i got was flak. I made a plan for moving away - i would look for a private student letting and apply for university.
My mental state was hanging by a thread. I was hanging by a thread. Working full time, looking after frail relative, went tp gym to keep up appearances and i had my own project going as i wanted to write a novel on schozophrenia or bi polar showing people the truth. I was more interested in being "a something" ( a nurse, a teacher, a writer ) that i didnt realise that what i needed was a friend.
So i went through a second breakdown as i stopped my meds. In hospital i was encouraged to apply for my own tenancy and " be young again"
So began my five year journey of self discovery, treatment, being down and out, and here i am 29.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sapphire

I can see that you have been through a lot and had a lot to contend with
And I'd say, without a doubt, time to "give yourself a break" and lighten up on yourself a little!!!
You've had issues with your parents, an emotionally abusive (true!!) long term relationship, a lot of personal and work stresses, years of illness leading to/causing you to do things you now regret and to the point of a psych ward..........
Nevermind messing up!!! I'd say that considering everything, any difficulties you've had are entirely understandable!!!
And real kudos to you for what you have achieved/are achieving, you stuck with trying to get a job and work despite everything and the "negative" work environments/people there, and now despite that you're looking "higher" in aiming to study!!!
And you are right about this being a journey to something better now, and in it there are likely to be some low's, recovery will have up's and down's........but the down's do not mean that you're failing.
I feel that you've got some excellent insight despite all of those things that could so easily have robbed you of that..........you gathered the insight and strength to get away from the toxic relationship you were in..........you're taking on board treatment and seeing how important it is to think of yourself/your wellbeing, you're letting go of some of those "should"'s.........you're focusing more on you and what you really need/want.
Just maybe give yourself some time.........the journey forward can take time, particularly after everything you've been through, and more self-compassion, hey?
So yes, you're definitely "on the right track", just keep on searching for, and doing what is right for you and what you need and want in life.



Alison

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Sapphire

I can see that you have been through a lot and had a lot to contend with
And I'd say, without a doubt, time to "give yourself a break" and lighten up on yourself a little!!!
You've had issues with your parents, an emotionally abusive (true!!) long term relationship, a lot of personal and work stresses, years of illness leading to/causing you to do things you now regret and to the point of a psych ward..........
Nevermind messing up!!! I'd say that considering everything, any difficulties you've had are entirely understandable!!!
And real kudos to you for what you have achieved/are achieving, you stuck with trying to get a job and work despite everything and the "negative" work environments/people there, and now despite that you're looking "higher" in aiming to study!!
And you are right about this being a journey to something better now, and in it there are likely to be some low's, recovery will have up's and down's........but the down's do not mean that you're failing.
I feel that you've got some excellent insight despite all of those things that could so easily have robbed you of that..........you gathered the insight and strength to get away from the toxic relationship you were in..........you're taking on board treatment and seeing how important it is to think of yourself/your wellbeing, you're letting go of some of those "should"'s.........you're focusing more on you and what you really need/want.
Just maybe give yourself some time.........the journey forward can take time, particularly after everything you've been through, and more self-compassion, hey?
So yes, you're definitely "on the right track", just keep on searching for, and doing what is right for you and what you need and want in life.



Alison

Yes thank you for such wonderful advice! Despite the hurdles I still persevered. Some would say brave for showing my face, I would say "stupid pride" and "denial" I would always be unwell. I DID get lots of negativity thrown my way, you are so right. It made me angry, but anger is not healthy driving force, it is self-destructive. My positive vibes were however from distant people, except my granda. Someone said it was okay to chill for a while, a nurse told me to "come out" and job centre staff tried to encourage me to go for office style work. I tried to get an office job and narrowly missed out. It's too late now.
My then boyfriend was like "you can be my house wife" and "you can't handle a job with stress." "i will tell you why you have no friends left - WARD 4!" (psyche ward)
I was always thinking I am not supposed to be here, I should be married, have a mortgage, have a high flying job by now. I am just part of the lost generation, the x generation. I have had to fight tooth and nail for my freedom, and ignore what everyone else thought.
Thanks Michelle Smith I am eternally grateful and sorry I cut you off with no explanation, I hope one day we can meet so I can thank you
I am going to do the degree I want to do and not what everyone else says to me "why don't you do a degree that leads to a real job...."
I will step on the uncertain path, an unwritten story