Hi everyone,

I was SO excited over this role, but now that I have been there a couple days, I am very scared and nervous that I am going to fail!

It's a senior level role.

I am worried that I am an imposter in this role. I am scared that I should know far more than I do. I am not confident about the knowledge I do have. Sitting in on a client call yesterday, I was like, that senior level employee knows far more than I do.

And working full time in an office again is HARD. It's a HUGE change for me after ten years of working from home.

Basically, I am freaking out, thinking I cannot do this... I don't know enough... this is going to be too hard for me to pull off.

I wish I hadn't quit my part time job, but I needed full time work. I want to go back to my comfy work from home position that was more junior level.

I don't know how I am going to survive here.

I saw my therapist last night, which didn't help a whole lot. She said just take it day by day, & learn as much as I can.

And I cannot come on PC at all during the day --- now I am working F/T. Argh. I am dreading going into work today. I want this week to end.

I need support around this..... pleeeeeaaassseeeeee.

[Little Lulu]

Been there and I am sorry you are feeling so scared and doubting yourself. I do know how that feels and it is miserable. I remember nearly throwing up one morning before I left for a new job.

One thing I recall is that the really spooky feelings for me usually eased as the day went on. I would look at the clock and by 10AM or so I was feeling much better. I'll hope that for you, too, that over time things will ease up.

But we always have choices in life, even when we think we don't. If this doesn't work out for you, you can maybe go back to your old position or look for something else. Give yourself permission to do that. It will ease the angst.

((((Hugs))))

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement....

I don't think I can go back to my old job. They are going to hire a full time more junior level employee they told me, so they won't want a part time senior level employee again....

The one consolation is that within the new company, they do shuffle people around within if people find themselves in the wrong position, or if a person has other interests and skills that could be used elsewhere within the company. But I imagine that's after you've proven yourself after a while of being there.... so that's not even a possibility right now.

[seesaw]

Can you use your phone to get on PC and take some long bathroom breaks? When I went back to work after being on disability, I did that to chat with my friends on PC and get support when I needed it. I also had a few members that I had exchanged Skype contacts with and could communicate with them there. I would take like 10 minute restroom breaks at a secluded restroom, and take a few minutes to check in and chat.

Also, you could request a reasonable accommodation of being able to use PC while at work as it would qualify under talking with a friend or therapist when you find you need some support during the day. As long as it's contained, like not all day, just like 5 minutes here or there, it would be a reasonable request.

When I went back to work after disability, both times, I felt very much like you do now. But you will get used to it. You can do this, Golden_Eve. You just need to get into the swing of it. It's a new role, so there will be a learning curve. You might feel less anxious if you just acknowledge that and, when you find you don't know something, just make a note of it to go look it up. And if you get asked something you don't know, just say, "I'm not sure off the top of my head; I will get back to you by the end of the day" or "Give me a bit to think on that and get right back to you." Just make sure you follow up. I use that response ALL the time. My clients all find me very knowledgeable but there's always stuff I don't know. I can't possibly know EVERYTHING, even as an expert in this field.

I think you are expecting too much of yourself. Calm down.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

Can you use your phone to get on PC and take some long bathroom breaks? When I went back to work after being on disability, I did that to chat with my friends on PC and get support when I needed it. I also had a few members that I had exchanged Skype contacts with and could communicate with them there. I would take like 10 minute restroom breaks at a secluded restroom, and take a few minutes to check in and chat.

Also, you could request a reasonable accommodation of being able to use PC while at work as it would qualify under talking with a friend or therapist when you find you need some support during the day. As long as it's contained, like not all day, just like 5 minutes here or there, it would be a reasonable request.

When I went back to work after disability, both times, I felt very much like you do now. But you will get used to it. You can do this, Golden_Eve. You just need to get into the swing of it. It's a new role, so there will be a learning curve. You might feel less anxious if you just acknowledge that and, when you find you don't know something, just make a note of it to go look it up. And if you get asked something you don't know, just say, "I'm not sure off the top of my head; I will get back to you by the end of the day" or "Give me a bit to think on that and get right back to you." Just make sure you follow up. I use that response ALL the time. My clients all find me very knowledgeable but there's always stuff I don't know. I can't possibly know EVERYTHING, even as an expert in this field.

I think you are expecting too much of yourself. Calm down.

Seesaw

Unfortunately, my cell phone doesn't work within the building! Plus, it's a heads down type of work environment. I cannot even text my boyfriend during the day at all for support, unless I step outside.

Those are great suggestions when questions come to me. TY.

I just took an anti-anxiety pill (Ativan). I may need to take one every day for a while until I feel more comfortable. Yes, there will be a strong learning curve.

[Little Lulu]

Sorry you can't text but yes, the bathroom breaks are great. I used to do that, too. And keep a glass of cold water nearby, take a drink when you are feeling anxious. And peppermints help, too. I always find those help. Little tools to help you when you are feeling anxious.

Seesaw, love the "I'll get back to you" thing. Or "Let me consider this". Having a "pause" button is ALWAYS helpful :-)

When you get home this evening, it might be helpful to recall and write down the things that went well. I'm sure there will some.

Let us know how it goes.

(((Hugs)))

[divine1966]

New jobs are always stressful. And it takes time. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t find new job stressful. My husband just started a new job and it’s exactly what he always does, just different facility. But he is freaking out so bad! All of a sudden he says he can’t memorize anything. It’s got to be from
stress! It’s been many years since I had a new job but I bet I’d be freaking out!!!! Give it more time!

Thank you both.... I feel slightly better having gone over some of their processes and documents today... I was familiar with most the material, except one major aspect, sooooo I've gotta work that part out on my own somehow. ARGH. Yes, it's very stressful starting a new job!

[Little Lulu]

So glad to hear you are feeling better and discovered you already knew most of the material. Kudos to you for taking your own time to learn what you don't know, being willing to do that. People with anxiety tend to make great employees It's true.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You can do it, Eve

I have 100% faith in you.

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

So glad to hear you are feeling better and discovered you already knew most of the material. Kudos to you for taking your own time to learn what you don't know, being willing to do that. People with anxiety tend to make great employees It's true.

TY. I actually work very hard at what I do, so that helps to save me. It's really the only thing that saves me. lol.

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

You can do it, Eve

I have 100% faith in you.

TY so much Purple! Now if only I had that same faith in myself... !! Hmm..... wish I felt more comfortable... but it is only the first week, so I suppose all these feelings are to be expected.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY so much Purple! Now if only I had that same faith in myself... !! Hmm..... wish I felt more comfortable... but it is only the first week, so I suppose all these feelings are to be expected.

You're new! They can't expect anything much yet, senior role or not.

You can always make a list of training needs you've identified, if any major gaps appear.

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

You're new! They can't expect anything much yet, senior role or not.

You can always make a list of training needs you've identified, if any major gaps appear.

Thank you! I needed to hear that.


That's actually a great idea... hmmmm.... you got my wheels turning.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Do you feel like it could be imposter syndrome?

[ken9018]

I understand the feeling. I'm feeling the same at my internship, like I'm not good enough for the position. I hope it works out.

Originally Posted by HowDoYouFeelMeow?

Do you feel like it could be imposter syndrome?

Yes.... I believe it is

I have to get this out....

My first week is over. It was SO hard going back to work full time, and not working from teh comfort of home... OMG. Like, unbelievably HARD. It was the longest week ever.

Also, I am still very nervous and very scared.

I sat with a professional more junior to me, at least in title, and he knew more tricks of the trade than me. This makes me feel like I don't deserve my "senior" title.

Conversely, I sat with someone far more junior than myself, and I definitely knew more....

Then I sat with the CEO. I feel like I am BSing my way through this. But they will know soon enough that I am an imposter.

Guess I don't feel I deserve this position or title.

Or, perhaps I will do far better than I think. I go back and forth. I really have no idea, but sitting with someone more junior who knew more than me, well, that was very unnerving.

And I realize that working from home in isolation all these years has hurt me. ARGH.

With the guy who knew more, I just absorbed what he was doing and decided to learn from him.... and I will with anyone who knows more than me.

But how can I have this title, above him??? It's not right. I really feel stupid.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Don't worry, Eve. Remember, everyone is good at different things. Personally, I'm not great with figures, but dealing with people I've never met before is a breeze. Some of my colleagues are the opposite.

Being new, you're understandably focusing on the bits of knowledge this colleague has. But that's all it is. Bits of knowledge.

It sounds to me like the role is more about character.

They probably wanted someone determined, hard-working, diligent, adaptable, intelligent, great at communication, dynamic etc.

That describes you!

It's easy for me to talk. I would be going through the same emotions as you are, I'm sure.

I think you would say to me; There's no need to feel intimidated by these people, junior or senior. You're every bit as good as they are. Hold your head up high. You can do this!

Big hugs.

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Don't worry, Eve. Remember, everyone is good at different things. Personally, I'm not great with figures, but dealing with people I've never met before is a breeze. Some of my colleagues are the opposite.

Being new, you're understandably focusing on the bits of knowledge this colleague has. But that's all it is. Bits of knowledge.

It sounds to me like the role is more about character.

They probably wanted someone determined, hard-working, diligent, adaptable, intelligent, great at communication, dynamic etc.

That describes you!

It's easy for me to talk. I would be going through the same emotions as you are, I'm sure.

I think you would say to me; There's no need to feel intimidated by these people, junior or senior. You're every bit as good as they are. Hold your head up high. You can do this!

Big hugs.

Purple, thank you... you wrote exactly what I needed to hear to feel better. You made some really great points!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Much love, dear Eve.

Awwwww, and back to you too!

So I figured out a few things since posting this thread:

1. I have gotten away with only knowing a few parts of the whole pie in all seven years of my experience in this field.

2. I have been able to be successful so far, in knowing just a few parts.

3. I should know ALL parts of the whole pie at this stage, but I do not. I think my company believes that I know all parts, when I do not. I've been able to fake my way through.

4. This is why I am freaking out about potential failure. I am afraid that now I am going to be in front of clients, presenting in front of my colleagues, that the truth will be discovered.

5. My solution? Is to do more tutorials tomorrow on the aspects I don't know as well... and as much as I can either throughout the week, or on the weekends.

6. I shouldn't feel too too bad about not knowing the whole pie, because I am largely self-taught & I've barely had the chance to work on a team that has similar knowledge.

7. BUT I am still very scared of failure and of being found out.

ARGH. I cannot believe I've made it as far as I have, or that I even landed this job to begin with. And this is why I feel I don't deserve the title "senior" when I hardly know all pieces of the whole pie! UGH.

[clp9922]

OMG golden_eve, thank you for posting this thread!

What I have been going through the past couple of weeks, starting another new job after being on several weeks disability, and how I feel is identical to what you described, yet, as much as I wanted to write it down and post or otherwise, would have come out terribly...

I am a senior level in relative association, and I went back to work for a place that I had worked for several years before "exploring" other paths. I have burned about a week and a half on a project that would have taken me 3 days tops a few years ago, and yet still I am only half done with it. the other half a week, of the past 2 weeks was getting through the formalities of things.

I find comfort working for this company. It has always held a special place in my heart. This was a method of my madness, in hopes that being in a comfortable and familiar environment where I was most recently most stable, would foster my recovery and help me learn to manage the hell I have created for myself, it seems.

It seems now, though, that my fear and anxiety is REALLY driving my head right now, and I feel guilty about it, like I don't deserve all the warm welcomes I experienced, and Lord forbid they found out that my stress killed my memory and has slowed my execution to snail pace. I can just imagine it now..... Not a good feeling. It is terrifying me and somehow part of me just doesn't care and it conflicts with the part of me that absolutely cares. I keep hearing things from people, and I see the overwhelming stress on faces of people I know closely and I want to jump in and help, but I am struggling also to keep my nose above water. I feel for them. I am more concerned for me and I feel guilty about that too.

It's like wanting to blast it out to the whole place so they will just lay off and get me off the throne they placed me upon, but yet, hearing the flattering compliments and warm welcomes back actually have helped me against me. They speak to me and give me things to feed my anxiety, like I can walk back into this place and fix it all for them, at my own mental expense of course. I don't know if that made sense.

I have fidget wheel, a peacock glitter globe that lights up in rainbow to stare at like a lava lamp, and I keep my earbuds in and listen to worship music. It gets old, like I trip out several times during the course of the day and I look at these things and sometimes I pick them up, most times I don't. Frustrating. Being on new dx, med, and job has been weird and overwhelming.

Wow, yeah, it's a bit different for me but I understand what you're saying. Just do the best that you can, that's all you can ask of yourself. If they notice, they will bring it to your attention eventually, but at the beginning and while in recovery, things can take longer, and they probably understand that. Keeping your own head above water is most important right now, so don't feel guilty about not doing extra to help out. (((((((Hugs)))))))