So, I can't believe I'm posting this. Wonder if it means my conscience is getting the best of me or I just need someone to understand?

There's a story of the daughter that just wanted to please her parent's but never could, then became a wife that just wanted to please her new extended family and then had children only to totally lose herself in order to be there unconditionally for them. Then, one day something *snaps*-- she can't find whatever it was she gave out all the time-- she feels worthless if she can't keep giving. Not liking those feelings-- she wants to hide or pretend.

She numbs the feelings of losing herself and dissappointments by having a drink... then another. But it's somehow not enough.... what's this?--- her son's unused pills for attention deficit.... maybe those will get her mind off of herself.

She begins to want to use them for socializing-- she's always been too shy. Now she wonders if she's gone too far. The perfect girl that always did everything right and was there for everyone is now alone in her deceitful world!

OK- so it's my story-- summarized of course. There's alcoholism in my family and drug addiction but I swore-I had it together- I saw what it's done to too many people and figured it would never be me. Sometimes I still am not sure if I have a problem??

Why am I posting then..... I spose I'm scared !! I know there's a risk in keeping up what I'm doing... but part of me says--- " it's alright.. I've got it under control"-- which, I feel like I do-- for now.

Guess I just wanted to open up- in a safe place.

It took so much for me to post this.... I so hope no one thinks bad of me.... I have more than enough bad feelings for myself.

Thanks- to anyone that reads this,
Mandy

[wi_fighter]

((((((((((((Mandy))))))))))))

Oh Shirley thanks!! -- you're going through so much-- and yet give out hugs!! Be sure to save some for you!!!

Not easy for me to create a post-( pushing myself here)
I tend to just answer everyone else- so the hugs mean a lot to me!!

Thanks again,

Mandy

[wi_fighter]

Mandy, we all got hugs from Mel today, so I got my hug-o-meter replenished.

Besides, if we only gave out hugs when we're having good days, we'd probably never be able to give any out.

[shadowalker164]

Mandy….
There was a survey of alcoholics done in the late 50’s or early 60’s that really looked into our behavior. That study involved a large number of drunks, and it turned up a lot of interesting information. One of the most interesting things to me was that we scored in the top 10% on being perfectionist.

I quote…
“The perfect girl that always did everything right and was there for everyone”

You are not alone in those feelings. Welcome.

Another thing many of us share is a sense that we want to be thought of as upstanding people, to be thought well of by our friends, but in our heart of hearts, we know that we don’t really deserve it.

Again I quote…
“is now alone in her deceitful world!”

Shameful little secrets are a corrosive thread that the fabric of our lives are shot through with. It is poison, the secrets we keep. What you did, blowing the whistle on yourself, telling the truth about yourself, is one of the most important things you can do to get and stay better.

“Why am I posting then..... I spose I'm scared!!”

Fear…
Fear was God’s great gift to me. It seems to be the only gift I could or would avail myself of toward the end of my drinking career. It was the motivator that got me to even consider changing my life. It hurt so badly that I just couldn’t stand the way I felt anymore. At that point I became willing.

I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Around the rooms I learned to stop being someone I was not, I learned to tell the truth about what was going on in my life, and I learned to wear this world as a loose fitting garment, warts and all.

“I so hope no one thinks bad of me....”

Mandy, You aren’t that good at being that bad, go easy on yourself. And if you find yourself standing at the door of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, walk in. You will find many kindred spirits there.

On the road to the good stuff,
Richard S.

Hi Richard,

Thanks so much for sharing your insight on this. That 1950's-60's study sounds interesting. Makes me feel more " normal " for breaking under my own pressure-- considered myself- just weaker than most.

That self-deprecating thinking is my biggest obstacle- it seems. Really have to work on it. Also being my true self..
Like you wrote---- " I learned to tell the truth about what was going on in my life, and I learned to wear this world as a loose fitting garment, warts and all."
That's so great- I hope to be able to do that someday.

Congratulations on being in AA. I wish you the best.
Not sure I really need to join something along those lines..... I do appreciate you mentioning it though. I have heard good things happen with those groups.

Hey, thanks again for your thoughtful words, your understanding and support.... much appreciated!!

Mandy

[nothemama8]

Mandy, if we were perfect there would be no need for a site like this, (((((((((((Mandy)))))))))))
Angie

[Raynaadi]

Negative self talk is one of the root of all evils. I had a lady tell me she woke up late and was badgering herself for it. Something as simple as that starts eating away at you. When you catch yourself doing the negative self talk thing, stop it! It's amazing what not doing that anymore does for your self esteem.

Rayna

Thanks for the hugs Angie!

I think I'm starting to get the idea from all of you-- I'm too hard on myself!! I totally understand what everyone is saying. Just need to figure out how to break this pattern- it's so darn automatic.

And the very thought of the possibility of making a mistake sends me into a kind of panic--- I'll lose that chance I might of had to be loved. Perhaps that doesn't make sense to some-- but that's what goes on in this confused head of mine.

Mandy

Hey thanks Rayna!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When you catch yourself doing the negative self talk thing, stop it! It's amazing what not doing that anymore does for your self esteem.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'll give that a try! I so agree that, negative self talk can eat away at you. I think this is going to be quite a task, for me anyway.

Thanks again,

Mandy

[TanGrn3]

Hi there Mandy,
It was very brave for you to take this step and right it down. Kinda putting the real you out there and hearing what everyone else has to say. Well, your story really hit home with me.

I started using drugs +/- 5 years ago. For fun at first. I was at varsity, never had a problem with the stuff. I excelled in all my subjects and cum laude my degree. And so it contiued for 5 years, telling myself that i had this under control and could stop at any time. The only thing is, in telling myself this, I was really denying what was becoming a serious problem with substance abuse. The shame and the guilt of nobody knowing this secret life, and me having to hide it from those closet to me, just made it harder for me to stop. The guilt and shame and secrecy just kept on feeding my problem. I am just like you. My life always has been about pleasing others, wanting their approval more than anything else. But I've finally realized that you can never please everybody. I think you need to accept yourself for who you are and learn to approve of yourself. Self acceptance is what I found is important. What matters to me. You cannot realistically make everyone happy. Everytime you fail, this just makes you feel more dispondent, lowers your self esteem even further and paves the way for substances to help break you down even further.
Thinking you have it under control is a way of rationalizing the problem.. A way of telling yourself that it is okay, but it's really not. Mandy, please tell someone close to you, someone that you feel that you can trust, about this. Get it out in the open, and let someone help you. We all make mistakes, we are only human, we can not be perfect all the time. Sometimes things just get to much for us and we make the wrong choices. But, think about this, destroy the problem before it destroys you. You have a lot to motivate you. Your kids for starters. You need to take care of yourself now though. Speak to someone about this and maybe you can get to the core of the problem.

Mandy, the time is NOW to do something about this. I am only glad that I realized this now, and did not through my whole life away on this stuff. You are worth so much more than that. I know that you must be a strong person, because you were brave enough to post this, so be brave enough now to defeat these substances. Do not let them control you, but take control of you life. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, it never is and that is why it is soo important to have someone there that will support you. Please, consider telling somebody close to you. Rather do this sooner than later. It will be something that you will have to face sooner or later.

Take care Mandy,
You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers,
Just remember, do not only rely on your own strength, but trust in the Lord, ask him for his guidance and his strength. And remember, you are worth so much more!!!

Hey TanGrn- Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not so sure about being brave for writing what I did.... kind of wish I wouldn't have now! Though, it's been helpful and comforting to hear from others- which I so appreciate. I just grapple with the idea of putting myself out there! I'm very much a loner and my husband is quite involved in his career- so my support system is me, this forum and my therapist- whom I'm considering not seeing anymore. It seems to alternate between "caring " and then "indifference" with him ( my therapist) -- spose it could be how I interpret his support--- just not sure he's right for me.

You've given me much to think about- thank you, and also thanks for your thoughts and prayers. This " self-acceptance" is the ever elusive factor that seems to keep me from progressing. There are so many elements in play that I didn't divulge.... even so, I realize everyone has their " short comings/ wrong doings" that they want to rise above. Maybe I can do the same someday and be content with who I am.

I agree with you, about not being able to make everyone happy... what I need to remember is - not being able to accomplish that DOESN'T make me a loser!

I'm glad for you that you are making positive changes in your life-- that's great! Congratulations and I wish you all the best!

Thank you TanGrn,

Mandy