Powerlessness-MAJOR TRIGGER

i am posting this thread here and in ACOA. i hope that procedure is acceptable with guidelines.
i have a long time friend who i once sponsored in AA before i moved away from that area. i had planned to visit her, her husband 16+ years sober/clean, and their 9 children for xmas. they live 1200 miles from me. i was so looking forward to this visit as i had planned xmas alone. i have not physically seen them in over 10 years.
we talk on the phone daily and i just found out her addiction to oxcy's is in full force. she had kept this a secret from me and her husband. i had recently discussed this with her when she fessed up to me. i had noticed on more than one occasion that she was slurring her words. she kept reassuring me she was not using or drinking. she was emphatic she was clean. her conscience forced her to fess up. she sees me as the solution which i am not. only she can make that happen.
tonight she called me and was totally out of her mind, discussing suicide by saying she didn't want to live anymore, blah blah blah. this past week she tried to overdose and called her oldest daughter to take her to the ER telling her it was something else that needed to be taken care of. so she lied to all of us even tho we all know she is totally messed up.
this has totally triggered me because i lost my best girl friend of a lifetime 18 years ago due to this disease. she took 100 ativan, taped a plastic bag over her head with duct tape and was found dead the next day by her family. i was devasted by this violent death because i know "there is a solution" but she chose to take the other path...death by the despair of her addictions.

if you came to this forum cause you think you have a problem i hope you read this post. there is a solution to arrest this horrible disease of addiction. many of us have been successful in staying clean and sober. you can too but you need to be totally honest with yourself and be willing to change.
i am not sure if i will spend xmas with them now. it seems that it will be too painful to watch this friend self destruct too. she already knows the answers but always takes her will back, 16 years, and this is another of those times. each time she is gambling with death and each time the consequences are more severe. i really don't think she will survive this time around. it's russian roulette. she is 44 yrs. old.
i know i am powerless over her decisions but her actions to succumb to the evil power of addiction time and time again is so very very painful to me. there is an easier softer way. i am grateful for my sobriety because i chose the right path to freedom. so if you're reading this i hope you will know there is hope for you too. for my friend i'm not hopeful anymore. i fear it's too late.
sorry for the long post...i needed to put it out there because i am so sad it has come to this. thank you for reading.

This post was pretty much amazing. I know exactly how you feel. I am also very proud of your staying sober. I think it would be best for you to not go there this Christmas. It would compromise your health and that's not what you or anyone on this site wants to happen. I also wanted to say thank you for this post. It is a constant struggle (I will be 9 months sober tomorrow) but I have hope that I can stay clean and sober.

thank you, flawless, for your wise and kind words. thank you for reading my long post too! congratulations on your 9 months sober tomorrow! you are already a miracle. it does get easier over "time". wonderful things will happen to you as you continue to stay sober. i'm 20 years sober and my 20 years have been nothing but wonderful and amazing to say the very least.
i understand the power of addiction my friend has gone thru for 16 years. she would get a little time sober-6 years once-and then take her "will" back, step 3. she may be one of "those unfortunates who cannot be completely honest with themselves", chap. 5, big book. i can only accept what is and that i'm powerless of her actions.
once again thank you for caring about me.

Madisgram - thank you for your post.

I'm very sorry about your friend - addiction is such an evil beast, but it reminded me that it could so easily be me, so thank you.

I struggled with "powerlessness" for a long time, part of it was my reliance on self was so ingrained as a defence mechanism from an early age, and part of it was denial. It wasn't until my friend gave me a book with a series of questions around my drinking that I saw in the cold clear light how powereless I became once I start drinking and how much alcohol had cost me.

Today I am much more accepting of powerlessness, not just towards alcohol, but towards life and other people in general. All I can control is myself, my decisions, my actions and reactions - everything else is beyond my control. And this was a hard conclusion for a long time control freak to reach. Yet once I accepted it, (although I'm a long way from being 100% perfect) I found my life got much simpler. It really helped me to remember this during my job search. I could control my resume, I could control how I dressed for interviews, I could control how much I researched a company & how well prepared I was. But I couldn't control whether or not I got the interview, whether or not they liked me, or whether or not I got the job. I just had to give everything 100% my best shot & hope and pray for the best. And it eventually paid off.

With my addiction, I still feel occassionally like taking my will back - then I call my sponsor, go to a meeting, or reread my step 1, and remember how much better my life is now that I've given up trying to control everything but myself.

I'm still learning lots, and hope that I never stop. But it is a relief to know that I'm only powerless over alcohol if I choose to pick up that first drink.

--splitimage

(((SI))))thank you for that post..i'm so happy for you in your sobriety...i know u struggled like we all did.
i'm also so pleased to hear you landed a job. did i understand you correctly? hope so.

Maddisgram - yep landed a great job yesterday. It's with a major hospital, pays well, has a great medical benefits package, an awesome pension plan, is on public transit, and offers lots of opportunity for growth. I was even able to negotiate taking Tues. mornings off so that I can continue with my addictions treatment aftercare. I start Jan. 4.

I feel like I've been given a second chance at having a career after losing my first career due to the drinking.

--splitimage

I like that. well done. Good for you. Enjoy the work and keep us posted.

you've certainly done the foot work, SI. and the job sounds great! YAY! sobriety changes all aspects of our life for the better. and you're on your way to a wonderful journey.

Hi madisgram im really sorry about your friend. Your higher power will help, i will pray to mine for you also. Youre a beacon on here and have really helped me with my alcoholism/addiction

Hello and thank you,
I am new here, I wrote my introduction and I was a little scared at first. Your post is actually the first I read on this forum and your words make me feel 'at home', which is btw in Holland, Europe.
I' m sober for almost 6 months now, it feels good. But it also feels good to read this postings from people who know what I am talking about.
H.

i was really messed up for a long time on alcohol & crack. the other nite i was watchin an old intervention i recorded & this sweetheart of a guy was hooked on oxys & to watch the horrible withdrawals he was goin thru when he didnt have any. i am so sorry for what u went thru with your friend & now your other friend is in so deep. when i watched that show & read your post i always thank God because if it wasnt for His strength & grace i would have been dead a long time ago. my sis in law seems to get in deeper instead of getting help. well not to mention the drunken drug induced dramas that have taken place since october when my mother in law died while everyone was in the middle of planning her burial we found out her & her boyfriend were in the back of the house shootin up fentynal. i took my childs finegran with dextromorphan for cough there there was only a small amount gone out of the bottle next thing i know it gets guzzled i remember bein on alcohol real bad when i was 25 & my beloved pawpaw died im now 36 but there comes a time i dunno there just comes a time period at the fork in the road some make it some dont so sad so much addiction around here & everywhere girls stand up on the road & will do anything with anyone to support their habit to keep from gettin sick i havent drank for 4 years & havent smoked crack since june & have struggled with my benzo script for a couple of months but im honest with myself i pray 4 God to help me take em like im supposed to i have too much to live 4 to let a slip completely screw me up & every now i then i get an urge to use crack but it passes with the Lords strength. i just wanted to clarify im by no means tryin to be judgmental bout sis in law cuz goodness knows i messed up here lately with taken more klons than i was supposed to i love her she is such a funny lovable person i cant stand to see her in pain & pain shes causing others. the other nite my hubby was over there & there was a huge drunken scene i was on the phone with him & could hear her screamin she missed her mom so much & then just starts screamin at her dad who is 72 & sayin she wanted to be with mom im scared she will get so messed up one of these times she will kill herself after all is said & done all u can do is pray for them & put them in Gods hands. theres a boy couple years older than me & hes dyin from cirrhosis from alcoholism & when mom in law was alive i would get so upset & she would tell me u know yourself unless u want help theres nothin u can do cuz she was there thru my alcoholism & gettin sober at 25 my liver was swollen & doc said id be dead at 35 if i didnt quit couple of short relapses in early 30s but DONE. took a little longer with the crack but God says in His Word He has plans to prosper me not to harm me so DONE Praise God im here work out all the time read my Bible have healthy 3 & 13 yr old girls dont have to wake up with shakes & puke before i get a beer down me such a lie of the Devil all of it a waste of the gift of life im so very thankful 4 my life today Merry Christmas

without Gods strength im powerless to do anything Hes so true & faithful & merciful

welcome to pc, dutch!!!! i'm glad you could glean some wisdom from this thread. congrats on 6 months sober. you are on your way to a life you could only imagine. i for one am so grateful for the serenity i've learned to have. my sobriety comes first in my life. it's the only successful means for continued success. as time goes by there will be the opportunity to include so many other meaningful things in your life too. i'm so glad you're here with us! you can pm me anytime if you wish.

Thank you. This was my first sober (and really awesome) New Years Eve. I'm cheerful and feel good about meeting my family in a few hours, without headaches and stuff . (It's 6.30 am here).