...one may wonder it's ridiculous to consider this?
and one more might agree thats it's even harder than addiction!

why else would I have been continuously innebriated since April?
and I can write this easily after 17 beers

addiction is like a career.

and with a career...the entrepeneur must be dedicated...the thing with addiction?...it's self employment!

so all one needs to do is 'show up'....when the work is on when it's time to get into getting out of it! and there is always overtime available when I really want to get into getting out of it! (made it personal there...see that?)

THE CLEAN life?

this?....the addict gets fired from everytime...too much too do.!!

too damn much.

I would not be writing this if I did not believe that I have turned up at this dead end job for too long now....

what began as an extra curricular hobby has once again become a damaging joyride where no-one is smiling!

I am the boss and the only employee in this sad-land this empty room this vaccum this lifeless ungodly moon!

...now, no-one talks like this when they are moving...getting promoted at work...

I have put myself beyond 'light duties' in my own company....as the manager I must stand down

[beauflow]

As Manager of this 'job', please do realize that some of you skills you can apply to a 'new job'... every second is a chance to change right? Change can be scary, but it can be worth it

(((DubbleMonkey)) you are worth a lot

change....of this kind,.. is not scary so much as frightening

thanks B

[beauflow]

I can hear ya on frustration with it...

But the frustration is part of growing (Or At least I do believe)

I know some days I get frustrated and say to myself- why did I ever stop using?? Life would be less stressful...

But I Remind myself of the chaos of a lot of it -- the short break was just an illusion....

Also Reminding oneself--- I CAN make It threw this, and Then When You Do--- At least with me, it does feel like gaining something more... with in myself... which can mean a lot.



I know I have been having a little hard time here lately myself with a lot stress, but the thing is--- I think of gains..
Some times visual gains do help me-- for example-- material things lets say-- I remind myself what I have now-- I actually have a home like setting-(I actually have a dinner table wow!)- When i was doing hard drugs all I had was a bed and a few things...
If I am not so quick for instant graditude (like the visual and material things) i can look deep down in me and remember how I was back then, and how much I have changed, and that - well to be frank- I am not so callus as I used to be even if I may be from time to time now....

Keep moving forward Dubble

it can be a struggle, but it is a struggle worth fighting for

I think I have become ungrateful with my table...
I did so much to get it

I actually don't know how it got here.?

at some stage I said enough!...and established myself

I never had a table

and the ones I was near were never mine I didn't treat them right.
always borrowed beds slept on by other miserable heads

I don't understand possession...I don't know belonging

living on the outside it takes time to come inside...

and feel truly at home

[beauflow]

oh 'home'--- I just try to make one.. even if at times i don't feel fully I 'belong', even at times-- while at home, feel like -- where is home..

I remind myself-- Home is where I make it... what do I want in my home...

But that may not be waht you are talking about-- that goes back to a part of my PTSD, which the drug use did not help to heal those wounds....
In away the drug use, with 'unsure if i was staying', 'not really caring where i stayed', .. it did not help that and encouraged that thinking in away to be a lost person with out a home or belonging... Losing friends, making new friends, not trusting 'friends' due to observing them and being like geez wow, etc... eventually no friends...
All a product of both the dx and drug use.. the drug use (And Alcohol use) damaged some things..

BUT with continuing to Try... To Continue to stay Sober... it helps to build back up what I helped to crash and crumble down at one point again...



some times, it does not matter if you remember exactly where you got something-- but that you got it.. some how you have gained it... i can tend to forget at times where things come from and remember at a later time... but some times, all that matters is that it is there...

I thought about it yesterday....(yeah wow!)...but I did.

It's been ...lets see?...16 to 41....abusing substances...and I had breaks in there too and I thought they were enough.

I think it turns into madness when addiction is controlled.

it was always better ...well only you and I could understand that!....it was always better when it was out of control!

because then it's so obvious to do something about it

thankyou for talking about things

[bluemountains]

I don't know, James, perhaps I need to go back to the bp site to discuss this one, but I see alcohol and other drugs as coating my brain when it gets out of hand-it soothes me. Then I am told that I am abusing, and I have to go back to abstinence. Like everything in my life, it is a cycle. I finally make it to a mood where I think who is that person (me) who feels the need to find every mind altering drug in the house-all of the sudden I am calm and cool and in control. Give it a week or two...and then I am back to reading the posts here.

[beauflow]

BlueMountains-- IDK If you have to go back to the BP Site..

I read DubbleMonkey's (James) post there in Bipolar...

My brother is dx with Bipolar 1, I am dx with Bipolar2 and PTSD-- To be honest it does not matter as in the dx-- I think Bluemountains hit something right on the head with this all:

alcohol and other drugs as coating my brain when it gets out of hand-it soothes me

That is one thing there, not only the chemical properties of the substance being used to react with the brain to "sooth", "release stress"---- But perhaps even -- The Control of OUR Selves doing the imbalance of it all by in taking the substance-- Meaning we "appear to have control over it"

I do need to say this....

My Brother is Dx with Bipolar 1-- He has had a very very rough year this year, not only that but he can get quiet abusive when he has his highs and especially his lows... He hit rock bottom this year.... He hit it bad....He even admittedly says-- I was drinking when I was manic to come down a little, and even then it was not a full down when drinking-- BUT HE CRASH DOWN....

Alcohol has properties of being a depressant-- yes we all react differently to the properties of any thing of Alcohol or drugs, but none the less Alcohol is known to be a depressant..

James and BlueMountains.... I hop you both on healing on your journeys..

I mention PTSD more for me due to I will for a while, question the Bipolar since PTSD can be known to mimic Bipolar.... And I myself can relate a lot of "triggers" more of feelings from the past from my childhood or when scared or when traumatic things had happened to me..... I may be Bipolar like the other 3 in my family but with 'rapid cycling' but none the less...
None the less with taking drugs & alcohol --- It does not matter the DX-- It is all Self Medicating in away... which can lead to addiction... mental and physical forms.

No I will not sit and type and say-- Oh I still don't drink from time to time Or I have not touch pot since Dec of 2008.... I have not touched Coke, LSD, Shrooms, Meth and whatever I did not know to get me high since 2008 (most of them December some before Dec '08)....
But I have been watchful of my drinking since 2011 and I really noted how much more depressed and out of control my emotions were while hitting the bottle when a problem came a long (MY S/O was helpful with that, first time in my life that someone really cared to mention something of the sort)... Pot is a ehh thing since 2010... meaning now days the last two times (which was a puff in April and one other time this year were the last two)- I got more paranoid more so than relaxed as I used to; however there is a flip side of i did have some "good thinkings" come from the short little high-- I thought more on the issues I was having at the time and Came to a better conclusion-- Like it aint all me, and i should not be taking on the blame for others-- Simple concept -- hard for it to sink in some times....

these last few months I have not drank/gotten drunk; due to I have been having a rather rough time with a lot of things--- and I have found just for my self-- that "break from being drunk" is actual a lot of times a set back for me.... Not to say that I have not wanted to--- or that i have not wanted to go back to doing coke every day some times... but the main thing is remembering that "this too shall pass"

I can admit that I do feel stronger (mentally) usually with doing this-- like I guess a Little-- "Yay go me! I got threw something hard for me that I used to go get messed up on," if that makes any sense..
I tried to explain that to my brother but -- Ya know some things people just do need to learn for themselves to fully get it... I can not give this "yay me" feeling to any one, barely describe it....



Sorry If this is a ramble, I am quiet tired today with little sleep..... (gasp-)


Also-- I know cigarettes I am addicted too still... which I know are harmful in many ways-- but can't let them go.... idk where the fits in here but I was like, well Cigarettes supposedly per my last T have a anti-psychotic property in them with in the first 5 minutes of smoking them--- when I am really mad/enraged, really upset-- I go for the good old cig friend.... and i feel tons better.. Perhaps a *poor* coping skill, perhaps a self medicating property not sure to be honest

And May I add-- It is OK to go get help-- I surely will not say that I did it alone, My S/O now days, was just a friend but he helped a lot... he is a support system.. some times I do think of AA or NA or something at least to go talk to others that have similar things to myself-- due to they understand.. PC for me has been a great place to talk about the urges and wanting to go back but yet not doing it due to remind myself of the chaos to which it can lead to.....

Again

I do hope you all well--- I hope my brother well-- he is just starting on his journey as well with this stuff...

[madisgram]

i can relate, james, to how you feel now about change/frightening. for the longest time i didn't know any other way to live/alcohol... and letting it go, no longer my crutch, no longer my "boss", no longer the love of my life. change is scary but they say "no pain no gain" and it's true. i struggled, i gave in again, i returned to that place where i was shackled, controlled. what did it give me? no life, no real joy, no hope. couldn't live with drinking the booze, couldn't live without it.
i was at the end of my rope. yep, it had to take me there to notice the mass destruction of my life. i didn't want to live anymore. i had given up. but i decided to give sobriety just one more chance. if i failed i was done. i didn't really think i could get sober and stay sober yet i was trying this last time. so i fought for my life. yet i was terrified. i didn't even know who i really was. yet i tried with every bone in my body, just one last effort to quit.
i don't quite understand-well actually i do-what happened to keep me sober but each day i felt progress in spite of my fears. i discovered the real me. i discovered yeah, life ain't always easy but consider the alternative- a black hole, the void that would swallow me up in a new york minute. no i couldn't go back to that. i vividly remember an incident while i was drivin' to a meeting. canadian geese flew across my windshield. i actually noticed them and saw their beauty. i'm still experiencing that feeling 23 years later. why didn't i do this sooner? well it takes what it takes so i'll get out of the debating society and just feel grateful, to be alive and feel the joy of it all.