struggling

Am struggling badly
I want to drink and i want to take drugs
the only thing that is stopping me is my husband
we ended up having a big fight about it today
My husband says am trying to escape what is really wrong with me
the things behind the fact that i hear voices and that i am stressed all the time
Its not that , i just want a ****ing drink and some drugs
M y husband said he would leave me if i start drinking to the point where i am drunk 24/7
I cant live without my husband
so i cant drink or take drugs

I am really sorry you are hurting this badly.

I may not have much of a how to stop yourself type of message.

I am here to say at least I know the desire to want the drugs, prescription or otherwise. Maybe not the alcohol for me so much. But the desire to just want them, I do.

i do also want them at time when I am trying to be numb for a while. I know I do that and I know it is not a good thing nor the answer. Doesn't make me stop or anything. UGH

If you need an ear, I don't mind.

It is some consolation for you that you have an incentive I dare say, but it must be really tough for you if you're doing it more so for your husband than yourself and the temptation must be really difficult.
Maybe it will help a little if you return the focus to yourself? And not drink/not do drugs for you? If you think about the difference between when your clean and not clean and the person you want to be a little more (although sure you're trying this?!).
Is there a support group near you you could drop in on- if you have a usual one but they aren't running a meeting for a little while I'm sure another one with a group being held sooner would be happy to have you drop in. Must be really hard for you a the minute.

Hi Asphyxia ~ Bless your heart -- I remember those days, and they're pretty awful. The cravings suck. The desire to do booze and drugs are terrible. BUT -- I NEVER want to live like that ever again.

I don't want to live in fear of losing. Do YOU want to lose everything? I don't think so. But you WILL if you use again.

And do you realize the DAMAGE that it does to your body? We never think about that when we're using.

PLEASE -- get some help. Go to AA or NA and get the support that you NEED so badly!! None of us can do this alone! We just can't. We try, but we always fail. Please, get help.

We're with you. We've been where you are. I got the help I needed and I thank God everyday that it was there when I needed it! Please take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

I found out there is a drop in center for those who have drink and drug problems
in the city i live in
Its open tomorrow at `10 am i have there number and am going to call them and see if they will see me ( am not sure if they do anything for people who are clean )
Av tried AA and NA before both in meetings and online i found the meetings hard because my husband couldnt come with me to every meeting and i have social anxiety my voices tell me to hurt people and i was worried id hurt them with out my husband being there

My husband is coming with me to the drop in center hopefully he is allowed to come with me

I DO believe that AA would allow your husband in, IF you explain about the anxiety to the person who is chairing the meeting. NO one should be excluded from an AA meeting because of problems like that. I really think they'd let him in. You might try again.

Good luck -- and God bless. Hugs, Lee

When i was at the AA meeting and i ask for my husband to come with me
some people there wasnt happy about it and said so
They didnt seem to understand that i needed him there

Some meetings are open, where anyone can come, or closed, meaning only the person struggling with alcohol can go. When I went to AA my wife did go with me to a few open meetings. She also went to Al-Anon meetings down the hall. Some places have both meetings at the same time. I hear that Al-Anon is very supportive to family members.
I wish you well. I can empathize with your despair right now. I agree with the previous comments...that whatever you choose to do, find community. Struggling with this alone makes it so much more painful. Please...hang in there. You are worth it.