Need help and guidance

Hello -
I don't think I've posted in this area, so many of you have not read my posts. Long story short - I need some real guidance at the moment. I have a significant problem with alcohol. Over the past decade alcohol has been a regular part of my life. Since 2011, my wife has voiced concern about my use. I shrugged this off since she comes from an addictive family, but the truth is I have a problem. I am a functioning alcoholic - barely and also deal with possible bipolar disorder and other stuff. I am married, hold a good job, raise two awesome stepkids, do most of the house work , etc. - and I also sneak drinks, use alcohol to relax, lie to my wife about drinking, and worst of all drink in the car, often before work or during lunch. Never to intoxications, but I feel I need it to relax. Drinking makes me feel at home, where my regrets and hurts are numbed for just a little while. If caughtm I risk my family, job, profession, self-respect )although this is gone now)...and really hursting someone...or risking jail. I can;t seem to stop doing this. I know I need help, but have some barriers I need to explain. I did AA for 4 months last year. I truly fely the people weren't good. They sigled me out as a "newbie", mocked people who came to meetings intoxicated ("Get the cotton out of your ears!), and to top it off, my sponsor admitted he was caught having an affair. Near where I live, AA is all about God. I don;t believe in God, and think it is ridiculous to make a random object my higher power. I really see the use of Smart Recovery, but there are no meetings in my area.
I do want to stop this, but I am afraid, lonely, and feel regret for my whole life. I wish I had a sober, healthly person to guide me...not sucked into "God is the only way" like AA near me. I have so much shame...and can even see a better life...but in the moment...I think "Sure, I'll buy a little more wine and drink it in the car." I want recovery - building a new life...but can;t seem to get there. If I go to rehab, I risk losing my career. I also tried outpatient treatment, only to find they spoke about random stuff...never the stuff I was dealing with. I dropped out after 4 weeks, not because I didn;t want it...but becaseu it was a waste of my time.
Anyway, I would love support from some people here...and to maybe forge some relationships that could help me stay on track. I have so much to lose...and just haven;t happened to lose it yet. I am afraid of what tomorrow my bring. Thank you.

Yours is a difficult case to know how to respond to effectively.

I can only suggest some reading material that has been helpful:

"Forgiving and Moving On"
"Keep It Simple"
"Days of Healing, Days of Joy"
The Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous"

I have read that the medication Naltrexone is effective in stopping cravings for alcohol.
You might ask your personal physician about that. (Doctors are bound by law, I think,
to have matters kept private in most states.)

There are probably others here who could talk to you about your situation and give
you more helpful advice. These are the sources that I use for meditation, and they
can be very uplifting and revealing for insights into how families work and responsibilities
of individuals in finally finding freedom. It is a kind of bondage, isn't it?

About bipolar illness --which may be one reason why you "self'-medicate" with alcohol; that
needs to be treated by a psychiatrist in order to bring that illness under control. It can get
worse over the long run without treatment.

It truly is a kind of bondage. I couldn't agree more. I will look at the resources you gave me and will hopefully find some inspiration there. Despite my last , horribly non-spell checked, message, I am a spiritual person. I just didn't find what I was looking for in AA, and trust me I did want to find it. I was encouraged to speak in meetings...then "old-timers" would make comments about loving to hear newbies because it reminds them how much they have changed. Anyway, this is not about AA, but me. I know I have an addition, but most times when given the choice of drinking or not drinking...I choose drinking, even when I and other people stand to lose so much. I drink in a park at work, but when home maybe have a glass of wine twice a month. I've developed this massive charade, that I don't want anymore...but I don't know how to stop. If I didn't have my career, I would go to rehab tomorrow and start fresh...willing to give up my family and job to be sober. I just want there to be a different way.

Does anyone else here feel this way? How do you develop the motivation to change and keep at it, whether or not you go to AA? Have you found anything else that helps?

Hi "evil" ~ I felt just like you when I entered AA. I was an agnostic and wasn't even sure I was THAT. I had been drinking HEAVILY for over 20 years, and it was to the point of blackout drinking. I drank every night -- I had to escape the pain. I was caught in a very unhappy marriage. My husband was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive not only to me but to our children. I would have taken the children and left, but he threatened to TAKE my children where I'd NEVER find them -- and he would have done that ONLY to hurt ME. He was so terribly vindictive and hurtful. Anytime I mentioned separation or divorce, the threats began. He was ALSO an alcoholic -- I should mention that too!

I finally hit my own bottom, and called AA -- my husband kept drinking. But when I got to AA, I didn't like the "God" talk either and I wondered how I was going to make it in this group that kept talking "God." I didn't want to HEAR it.

I stuck it out tho, and got a sponsor like they told me to. My sponsor told me something I needed to hear -- she said to just "take what I liked and leave the rest." She said I didn't HAVE to pay any attention to the "God" talk. Just listen to the rest of what they said -- so I did. The rest all made SENSE! They gave me a "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I read it from cover to cover. The stories in the back are wonderful! I particularly like The Doctors Story, and my favorite pages are #448-450. You'll understand why when you read them.

Then the AA folks, when talking about a "Higher Power," they said "fake it til you make it" --- they said your higher power could be a tree, the sky, the ocean or whatever you want it to be. It just has to be something more POWERFUL than yourself. Well, that's easy. So i faked it til I made it. And i kept listening. Well, guess what --- it took some time, but now I believe in God!! I don't know WHY,, but I have an "spiritual experience." You may laugh at it, but there are certain things that cannot be explained in this world, and it has happened to me.

AA saved my life, along with people like you. Yes, I believe in God and I thank Him each day for helping me get and stay sober. God willing, in July I will have 20 years sober and it could not have been done without His help.

I wish you the very best. Please get the help you need so badly, as ALCOHOL KILLS. I have seen a person with liver damage at the end of life, and it is a very painful way to die. After the liver stops working, all the other organs shut down too, the kidneys, bladder, etc. It takes your dignity. Please get help. we're with you 100%. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

That is wonderful...thank you so much. Being 20 years sober must have taken so much faith and hard work. I long to be there...yet, and this is crazy, I can still rationalize so many reasons to continue drinking. But I really belive it is draining my soul. You can't imagine how much I just want to feel free in my life....free from addictive behavior...free from bad chopices in my past...free of my expectations of myself and other people. Free of my notions of what makes me "good" or "bad". I really ama good person, who gives of myself every day to help other people...who helps my wife raise my step-kids...becasue she has chronic illnesses. And I hope this is ok...I just don;t want to feel this pain..or shame. I don't want a life where I long for everything that I don;t have or have not experienced yet...but one in which I can be ok with me...today. I hope to find a new AA meeting near me and just be myself, even it it doesn;t immediately appear to tow the AA line. Thank you for you comment...it warmed my heart.

Dearest Evil ~ I can SO remember the emptiness of my soul. I felt like my soul had LEFT me. The ungodly pain inside was more than I could bear towards the end. And you know what else? Most alcoholics are GOOD PEOPLE! They are kind, giving, caring people -- but so often they don't care for themselves. Their self-esteem is non-existent, there is so much guilt and regret, that they don't know what to do or where to go. They can advise others but can't help themselves.

Finally, when they hit bottom, and if they can stop being "embarrassed", they'll go to AA cause the people there are just like themselves! I was amazed, cause I saw priests, housewives, businessmen, factory workers, street people, Mayors, pastors, people from ALL walks of life! Lucky for me, my cousin was there, and I didn't even know she was an alcoholic!! She eventually became my sponsor.

Getting rid of that horrible emptiness was more than I ever expected. The friendliness and support of the people there got me thru. I'll never be able to repay that, other than continuing to try to help others. God bless my friend. I'm with you 100% . Hugs, Lee

As a member of AA I can honestly say it's not a god program. They preach spirituality, just believing in some sort of a higher power whatever that may be. For me right now it's a code of ethics and morals that I feel like I should abide by. The idea being that I'm not the greatest power in the world and it provides a sort of pillar to lean on when I need to believe in something for inspiration. Some of the old timers can be harsh with the remarks about getting cotton out of your ears and what not but I mean listening really does help. Try going to different meetings! I highly suggest going to first step ones if you can.