[sacasa]

I was prescribed alprazolam (xanax) by my old psychiatrist for bouts of extreme anxiety/panic attacks at the end of 2012 and in about March of 2013 I started abusing it. I'm prescribed a .5mg dosage but there have been times when I've taken about 12mg for a high. I've also combined it with weed for a more intense (and dangerous) effect. There was a week where I was stressed because my bigoted grandparents who I don't get along with were staying with us (my drug abuse us usually a direct result of stressful situations and/or worsening mental health symptoms) and I would take large doses of xanax every night then roam the streets smoking cigarettes and burning myself and then come home and fall asleep until the next evening and then do it all over again when everyone in the house went to sleep.

Recently, I've also been prescribed small doses of Gabapentin (neurontin) and diazepam (valium) by the nurse practitioner I've been seeing because she thinks I should start to curb my use of alprazolam even though she doesn't know about all the times I've abused it (she wants the valium to be short-term since it is another benzo). But now I'm abusing both of those new meds as well and mixing them with weed and the alprazolam that I have left and I can't imagine telling my NP or my new psychologist about any of this even though recently I've thought about mixing every pill of all of my psychiatric meds, new and old (I've been prescribed 8 of them total), and trying to put myself in the hospital because I've been so depressed.

I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know if this is sufficient to go into inpatient or if I even want to, but something in my life needs to change because right now I feel like I'm drowning and I'm scared that I'll accidentally kill myself one of these days or make my problems with mental illness worse when (most of the time) I so badly want to get better and move on with my life.

[melania]

Really understand you
How old are you?

I abused many meds, intoxicated many times but I stopped to take very high doses when I almost died from convulsions. I thought it will be over with abusing meds but I was wrong. I started to Xanax and of course sometimes I abused this med but not so high doses.
I'm still addicted to Xanax and sometimes it seems hopeless to ever be free from this. But I believe it's possible. Sometimes i want to go to hospital but I know I'm to weak to say no to my addiction for forever.
I have problems with memory, black holes even from times when I was sober and sometimes I don't even know what was reality and what was a dream, it's a mist.
I hate Xanax but it's sooooo hard to don't take it when I feel so desperate.

First thing to stop abusing meds is to really want to stop doing this. If you really want to say no to this, ask for help to doctor and do anything to be free, hope you will get better soon

[Centered Soul]

You have already made the first step by acknowledging you have a problem. You also understand that mixing your medications and taking too much of them is extremely dangerous. Benzo's are highly addictive, they reduce anxiety quickly but the effects don't last long. If a person has ongoing anxiety or other issues they may start to take the benzo more often and increase the dosage, also creating a physical need.

It sounds like you are ready to get help and to get better, to do this you need to not only be honest with yourself but with your NP and doctors. Once they know what's going on they can decide whats the best treatment plan for you.

The 3 C's of Life:
Choices, Chances, Changes
You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

[Perna]

I would tell the nurse practitioner and come up with a plan together how to work on it. Otherwise it will eventually come out anyway and the anger, etc. could cause a total cut off which would suck for coming off them? You have to start going one way or the other, there is no standing still, and though the fix it way is painful, it's not as painful as things getting worse?

I used to abuse xanax long ago when I had a script... eventually I told my doctor I wasn't using it any more when I went back for an appointment because I knew I needed to stop. But I was mixing smaller doses of alprazolam with alcohol instead of taking high doses (maybe .75-1.5 mg or so of xanax with booze and pot). Mixing downers with alcohol can be very dangerous... I don't recommend that.

I think you're going to get yourself into a really tough spot if you blow through the rest of them in high doses then find yourself without any benzos... once your body gets used to benzos relaxing you all the time you will be a nervous wreck when the carpet is suddenly pulled out from under you.

Talking to your nurse practitioner could also be a good idea... this way you will be accountable to someone and you can work on it together. Benzos are highly addictive, especially to people with anxiety problems, and she will understand where you're coming from I think. She already knows how addictive they are and that's why she's trying to steer you away from them even without knowledge of the abuse.

I didn't take as high of doses as you and so forth but I eventually told my doctor I stopped taking the alprazolam (as much as I wouldn't have minded getting another 90 day script and going to town)... it was a long time ago but I remember he seemed very surprised when I told him I stopped using it and didn't need another script.

You can do it!! As motivation just remember that you don't want to get yourself into a spot where you are going through benzo withdrawal... based on what I've read it is a very, very unpleasant experience. The best thing you can do is use the rest of your xanax as needed to ween yourself down and then turn the page on the benzo abuse - best option is to just tell your doc you don't need any more once you've weened off of them, although it definitely seems like she already has decided this is what needs to be done and the supply will be taken away soon anyways (so don't get into a withdrawal situation by ignoring this fact!!!!). Good luck, man - be strong!!

[sacasa]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

I think you're going to get yourself into a really tough spot if you blow through the rest of them in high doses then find yourself without any benzos... once your body gets used to benzos relaxing you all the time you will be a nervous wreck when the carpet is suddenly pulled out from under you.

Talking to your nurse practitioner could also be a good idea... this way you will be accountable to someone and you can work on it together. Benzos are highly addictive, especially to people with anxiety problems, and she will understand where you're coming from I think. She already knows how addictive they are and that's why she's trying to steer you away from them even without knowledge of the abuse.

I didn't take as high of doses as you and so forth but I eventually told my doctor I stopped taking the alprazolam (as much as I wouldn't have minded getting another 90 day script and going to town)... it was a long time ago but I remember he seemed very surprised when I told him I stopped using it and didn't need another script.

You can do it!! As motivation just remember that you don't want to get yourself into a spot where you are going through benzo withdrawal... based on what I've read it is a very, very unpleasant experience. The best thing you can do is use the rest of your xanax as needed to ween yourself down and then turn the page on the benzo abuse - best option is to just tell your doc you don't need any more once you've weened off of them, although it definitely seems like she already has decided this is what needs to be done and the supply will be taken away soon anyways (so don't get into a withdrawal situation by ignoring this fact!!!!). Good luck, man - be strong!!

Yeah she's mentioned a lot about physiological dependence and what problems it can cause in the long term. There was already a two week period where she gave me new meds (trileptal) and I tried not to take any xanax and so many things in my life (work and friendships especially) just became unbearable and I was basically a mess of depression. And since then she's given me valium because it's metabolized slower than xanax or something? And she seems to want to wean me off of benzos by using it, but I've just started abusing that too and mixing it with the xanax and weed and other pills (neurontin) that she prescribed.

Whenever I get depressed or anxious or overwhelmed I just automatically reach for the drugs and I just don't feel like I have the strength to tell her because I'm just not convinced things will improve if I do. And I know that sounds so typical of someone struggling with drug abuse and dependence, but I can't help the feelings that she'll judge me or pull all my meds or get angry at me for omitting the truth.

Thank you for the support though. I think I'll have to do some soul-searching to find answers but I just don't know if I'm ready to drop the meds I've been abusing, as messed up as that sounds. Which on some level I understand is why I need to tell my NP the truth, but I just don't think I can. I think I'll just start abusing something else in place of the benzos (I've found that the neurontin can have a similar effect in higher doses than I'm prescribed). But maybe I'll find the courage to tell her. It's just such a complicated situation... But thank you again.

I know exactly what you mean, man... really I am being encouraging from a hypocritical standpoint because I smoke a pack a day, drink every night and am also fond of benzos and opiates. I don't come across pills often because I keep to myself, but I would probably abuse them frequently if I had access. I don't have the motivation to stop either so I am just slowly killing myself really... if you're going to accept drug addiction you are going to have to accept that you are killing yourself.

I don't know how old you are or how much of an addiction history you have, but really it's best not to keep going down that road if you can. I used to take smaller doses while drinking when I used to abuse xanax, which is probably worse than taking high doses from a danger-of-death standpoint (mixing downers is very dangerous as we all know). Benzos can also be dangerous because you are out of it and make stupid decisions because they take away all inhibition (driving when your shouldn't, making generally stupid choices that can be dangerous, ****ing up your life because you act a fool to people you care about).

Even though I don't really take pills any more (since I don't have any) like you said I just substituted and I smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink like 6-7 beers every night and take a pill here and there when I can get my hands on it. Hopefully you are younger, but I have been doing this for 10+ years now and it just gets worse over time and ****s with your head even more since you become more and more used to that being the norm and become even less able to deal with the stresses of reality because you have been trying to escape from it for so long. Choosing to face life and its challenges is much better in the long-run (obviously)...

And if you insist on an escapist lifestyle of avoiding real life then try to get one of those not-deadly escapist addictions like video games, movies, internet, exercise-obsession, etc.

You can do whatever obviously but just be ready to face the fact that you are just digging a deeper hole for yourself and ****ing up your body and brain/mind in the meantime. You can keep doing it but it will just get worse. I won't tell you what to do because I don't take the advice I am trying to give, but things will just get worse and more hopeless the longer you keep it up.

Anyways, sorry to get preachy. If you're going to do it then just be ready to lay down in the hole that you are digging.

[Altered Moment]

Doesn't matter how old you are or how long you have been using. You can get clean and sober. Just a fact.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Doesn't matter how old you are or how long you have been using. You can get clean and sober. Just a fact.

Yes, everyone can agree that this is a fact... I don't think I disputed that in my post.

My point was that it won't get any easier to stop once he's been abusing substances for 2 or 5 or 10 years instead of the 1 year he has reported in his post and it's best that he stops now instead of digging a deeper hole for himself.

[Altered Moment]

That is true. The longer you do it the harder it is to break the viscous cycle.

I guess I was referring to you having hope if you chose to get sober.

I appreciate it... I misinterpreted your meaning, sorry to jump down your throat about it.

I have hope that I could if I was motivated to. Like many addicts I'm still looking for a reason that I find compelling enough, I guess. One of these days...

[whiterabbit111]

I myself was a barbiturate/benzo addict for 6 years straight. It also initially started with stress. A family member was a doctor who gave me practically unlimited access. At the time I didn't fully realize I was an addict, I thought she wanted the best for me... I visited other doctors who instead of helping me kept prescribing. I told them that I was abusing, but it was like "Oh, so this medication doesn't work. Let me prescribe you more and something else". I ended up taking 4 times the prescribed dosage of barbiturates (twice the max), big dosages of antidepressants and benzos, mixing them with alcohol, over the counter pills and God knows what. I ODed twice (first time a couple of days in coma). I got help from a natural practitioner and a retired relative who came to live with me. My worst hours were mornings and she was talking with me, read aloud (jokes and such) to distract me. It's been 10+ years ago and I'm eternally grateful to her. I stopped taking barbiturates and reduced benzos to a therapeutic dosage, slowly bringing it to zero within an year. I don't take any psychiatric drugs since then, and wouldn't take if given. This stuff is horrible, stay away. You keep thinking it curbs your symptoms, but in the end it creates its own, much stronger symptoms and problems. You lose control. You can't even judge clearly as your brain is clouded. My advice: get a family member or friends who cares about you coming clean to help you; and stay away from enablers (doctors who keep prescribing and such).

[Altered Moment]

I would worry about running out. If you are prescribed .5 mg and take 12 mg your script is gonna run out real quick and then you have 0. How are you getting them refilled and staying supplied?

Yeah, I'm not sure how OP stayed supplied abusing 12mg at a time... I mean I know some people get those 2mg horse pills but seems hard to get unless you have serious anxiety problems or the doctor is a total quack. Then again I know a guy who had his GP prescribing him 2mg xanax so I guess it happens...

OP, if you are still checking this thread I hope you're doing okay. Give us an update if you feel like it.

[Can-I-Say]

I have a tendency to abuse my anxiety meds as well...
I know it's wrong, and I know it's dangerous, but I feel I have an addictive personality, and my mindset when I fill a new scrip is "Well, I can feel okay for a whole month, or I can feel REALLY good for a few days", and since I only ever think one day at a time, I usually wind up making a bad decision.

I don't know what its going to come down to, but I know that in the case with my Adderall prescription, it took an overdose and a serious reality check (after almost 3 years of abuse) to clean.

I wish you the best of luck.