[defiantone]

Hello,

I'm new here. Was feeling I needed to reach out to others who've gone thru what I'm in right now. I'd definitely appreciate hearing from any of you, if I sound anything like you or how you may have been after detoxing.

I'm almost 40. For the last 4 or 5 years I've been drinking almost 1-liter of Brandy a day. Two ER visits this year because of pancreatitis and fatty alcoholic liver disease, and doctors telling me I'm going to die if I keep this up any longer, convinced me that I had to try and take this bull by the horns.

My doctor has referred me to a grade-A inpatient addictions hospital. I'm currently waiting for my room to become available there. In the meantime I figured I can't afford to wait to at least detox myself.

Doc gave me a 'script for Diazepam to try and fend off the worst of it, and possible DTs. So far, I'm just all over the map. Shaking, cold and shivering one second, and hot flashes and nausea the next. I feel like my limbs aren't coordinated when I walk, or reach for something - I feel extremely clumsy. Foggy headed. Nervous. Scared. Sweating profusely. Craving a big drink so bad its making me climb the walls.

So far no puking, just the feeling I can at any minute. Last time I tried to quit cold turkey like this, I was getting sick every fifteen minutes or so - for two days solid until I started vomitting blood - and another ER visit.

So. I'm hoping the worst of the actual withdrawal from my body is getting close.

Anyone else detoxing at home? Would you share your first few days experience of your alcohol detox with me?

Thanks all
-steve

[kaliope]

hi steve
I admire your courage. I haven't detoxed from alcohol, but I have from klonopin, not a lot, but enough to understand the cold sweats and the shakiness. it was a *****. now I only take the drug when I feel like I am dying cause I don't ever want to go thru that again. so that is my advice. really experience this so that you remember it so that you never want to do it again. do you have support? have you thought of contacting AA to help you through this until you can get into treatment? welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[defiantone]

thanks Kaliope

Klonopin eh? that evil drug. I was addicted to it for 10 years, and was even drinking while on it. How silly is that? Very difficult drug to leave behind, but it's totally possible!! I'd sometimes take so much I'd wake up a day later and my eyes would be jaundiced. Very much good thoughts for you getting it out of your life. I'd say good luck, but sounds like you're grabbing that bull by the horns too!

I couldn't go to AA. I did speak to someone from AA the first morning I stopped drinking, and he was reading prayers to me, etc. I'm a secular-humanist and the spiritual approach would drive me away. Please don't get me wrong, for those who AA works, all the more power and conviction to remain sober to em!! One of my closest friends was saved by AA. My hospital stay at Homewood in Guelph Ontario is imminent, so I think I can hang on

Thanks so much for the kind words, and your advice and support! If you'd ever like to chat about Clonazepam (Klonopin), fire me a msg. I know how awful that drug can be after it's got you under its power. There are whole swaths of my life I don't remember because of Klonopin abuse. ouch! You sound like you have a plan for that tho!

Again, thanks. I'm a bit scattered right now, sorry for rambly post

[Altered Moment]

Diazepam is Valium. It is very often used for bad alcohol detox. Its temporary. I drank very heavy for many years but detox was not bad for me and I didn't have liver or pancreas problems. My main problem was detox from meth when I got clean and sober but that is another story.

I know my old boss who I met in AA locked himself in a motel room for a week and cold turkeyed it. He said it was horrible but he got through it.

I hope you get into the hospital soon. There are other programs besides AA.
SMART, SOS, Rational Recovery are a few I have heard of but don't know anything about.

[splitimage]

I don't want to scare you, just warn you so it won't be a shock. Homewood is very pro AA. They'll make you attend meetings daily and most of their group therapy is AA focussed. If you don't go along with it, they'll label you non-compliant with treatment. I was there in 2006 and from what I've heard they haven't changed their focus much. That being said, the staff are all really caring, most of them except for the nurses are in recovery themselves, and the facility is really nice.

Good luck with it.

splitimage

[Altered Moment]

I think just about all treatment centers are 12 step based. You are perfectly free to use faith in the potential of human nature. A large part is people helping people. I have encountered every stripe of belief and no belief in AA. I am not suggesting it is for you but at least get through treatment.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[defiantone]

Thanks for that info Splitimage!

I had been told there are spiritual components, however the nurse I spoke with asked if I'd have a problem with that, I flatly told her that it would bother me. They claim to "take an approach that treats alcoholism as a disease to be cured" and not a disability to live with, and is secular and their spiritual components are non-denominational. So thank you! I am going to speak to someone again about this there for clarity.

On the other note - yep, heard it was a very nice facility and staff are great. They've been very understanding and friendly so far in my communications with them. Was your experience a good one there? May I ask how long you were there? At the moment, they've told my doctor, 36-days. But I think I'm being made to participate in some of their eating-disorder program too - my alcoholism killed my appetite and ability to eat. Ah well, whatever has to be done to be well, I'm doin it. No going back!!

[splitimage]

I was there for 21 days, and my experience was mostly good. But to be honest, I was in such a chemical fog from detoxing from alcohol - I'd been a really heavy long term abuser, and withdrawal from Ativan which they took me off cold Turkey that really my short term memory is so messed up that most of it's a bit of a fog. I also have concurrent disorders that they weren't prepared to treat.

I think in hindsight, I was too sick for their program - I needed long term residential, although I didn't realize it at the time.

I've had much better success with the intensive outpatient program at North York General Hospital. It's 5 half days a week, and uses mainly cognitive behavioural and interpersonal therapy, along with mindfulness. It's a 10 week program and is really good.

I will say that the staff at Homewood were excellent, very caring, and it's a good structured program to help you get through the initial stages of early sobriety.

As for detox, my most serious detoxes have all been medical detoxes in hospitals. I have a history of withdrawal seizures, and my blood pressure and pulse always spike really high.

splitimage

[Angelique67]

I also am going through protracted Benzo (mainly Klonopin) withdrawal. It's 19 months now, and it doesn't seem to be dramatically easing up. It just sort of bludgeons me with symptoms everyday - hot and cold flashes, ongoing nausea, GI tract issues, anxiety, and deep depression. I also drank on it! I wish you wonderful luck and continued strength. You'll be through the worst of it soon, I hope.

[defiantone]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

It just sort of bludgeons me with symptoms everyday - hot and cold flashes, ongoing nausea, GI tract issues, anxiety, and deep depression. I also drank on it!

Hi Angelique!
I completely sympathize. You summed up how I felt after about 10 years abusing that stuff. I couldn't stop, and it go to the point I could never remember if I took it or not - because I'd take too many - and then so I'd take more. great, eh?

Do you find it makes it virtually impossible to eat? I had to force feed myself anything at all I could get down while stuck on the Klonopin.

People had trouble understanding me I would slur so badly too (sometimes would take 8-12ish mg a day!)
Like you, the depression was awful too :-/ I tried to taper down as best I could on that stuff .5mg at a time. I'd go down .5mg a day once a week. It was hard going.

I figured with the liquor tho, 'tapering down' wasn't working for me. I more often "tapered-up" So many good wishes and hopes for you to beat that Klonopin Angelique!!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by defiantone

Hi Angelique!
I completely sympathize. You summed up how I felt after about 10 years abusing that stuff. I couldn't stop, and it go to the point I could never remember if I took it or not - because I'd take too many - and then so I'd take more. great, eh?

Do you find it makes it virtually impossible to eat? I had to force feed myself anything at all I could get down while stuck on the Klonopin.

People had trouble understanding me I would slur so badly too (sometimes would take 8-12ish mg a day!)
Like you, the depression was awful too :-/ I tried to taper down as best I could on that stuff .5mg at a time. I'd go down .5mg a day once a week. It was hard going.

I figured with the liquor tho, 'tapering down' wasn't working for me. I more often "tapered-up" So many good wishes and hopes for you to beat that Klonopin Angelique!!

Thank you so much, defiantone! Yes, everything you said! I was also taking huge amounts, more than you! I was raging and screaming in my apartment regularly. I will never live that down, unfortunately.

When I was young I quit drinking. I had an easier time with it since I wasn't physically addicted but it was a problem for me. I wish you extreme excellent luck.

[supernaught16]

sorry for typing in red but i feel i can help.

i have drank for 14 years. i quit last November. I had to be at my parents house when I did it. I was shaking, having DT's, sweating, I wanted to just keep drinking and just live with drinking rather than get through it.

I couldn't hang and that's what I did. It only lasted a month.

My family dropped me off with a relative who lives in the middle of nowhere, surely I wouldnt drink. WRONG.

I walked, hiked, mountain roads to get it.

Woke up in strange places...

My family then dropped me off in a rehab where I kicked and detoxed.

I kinda eased my way off through all of that hiking... I couldn't drink like I wanted to as I had to do all of that walking and stuff. I did however drink to throwing up everytime and while throwing up I was still swigging back that bottle of Jack.

I got to rehab, it took about a week there, a week in the woods where I was forced to drink less and less... So it took about two weeks until I thought I was normal.

psychologically I was still confused though.

so, two weeks...

It's been almost a year now, and even though I feel better than I did last year, I still feel myself recovering. I need to get in new habits, get back into a healthy eating schedule, etc. But I'm not having DT's or anything.

I ended up running away from rehab to be with my then girlfriend who was an everyday drinker, thinking it was a healthy relationship for me... Thats how sick this disease is. It was not healthy. Although I didn't relapse, she did, on meth.

We aren't together. I say this because I encourage you to stay away from old friends and old habits, get to know yourself, spend time with yourself. Relax, don't do anything. Just talk to people on this website, and find people who don't want you to drink.

I don't know how much a liter is a day because the hard liquor comes in ML's but I was drinker 750 ml's a day of Tequila, often mixing with the three pack of tall cans of coors lights and a few long islands.message me if you need help.

to ease the pain I found everybody has a food that helps. for my sister is was pizza. for me it was the greasiest nastiest cheeseburger i could get. fattier and greasier the better. see if you can get a comfort food for you that will block that crap out, induce a food coma with little ingestion as possible.

[supernaught16]

it might have taken me two weeks because I reacted very differently to alcohol then other people, but then again, they could drink like normal people, I drank more than sailer jerry himself.

seriously, hit me up, anytime bro.

[defiantone]

thanks muches supernaught!!
today marked my 7-days since I last touched liquor. Most of that was spent feeling really sick and unwell (you know the drill). I'm physically a bit shaky still, and I feel a kind of minor dizziness and what I call a 'foggy head'.

still waiting for my admission date to the rehab hospital.

i appreciate hearing your story. always feels better when someone says something and you can say to yourself "hey! I did that too!" or "I felt like that and made dumb choices just like that!" - I agree - how sick is this sickness huh? Some of the decisions I made while drinking were just plain ridiculous - but that alcohol seems to put everything into focus doesn't it? (sarcasm obviously intended)

I've been trying to distract myself however possible, within my energy-range. Been keeping a blog as my detox and rehab and recovery happen. who knows, when we share like this over the internet, someone could stumble upon a single sentence or whatever, and it can push them into getting help.

food and I don't have a very good relationship for as long as I was drinking I could barely eat anything and lived off Boost shakes. Am able to get some decent healthy food in now, but I know this is gonna take a whole long time. BTW: 750ml bottles are what I drank every single day, of brandy. i'd sometime crack into a second bottle.

thanks again so much supernaught. I'm amazed and happy for you that you got things done! My morning 'mantra' is just telling myself in the mirror after brushing my teeth "no going back".

best wishes from canada!!

[supernaught16]

Originally Posted by defiantone

thanks muches supernaught!!
today marked my 7-days since I last touched liquor. Most of that was spent feeling really sick and unwell (you know the drill). I'm physically a bit shaky still, and I feel a kind of minor dizziness and what I call a 'foggy head'.

still waiting for my admission date to the rehab hospital.

i appreciate hearing your story. always feels better when someone says something and you can say to yourself "hey! I did that too!" or "I felt like that and made dumb choices just like that!" - I agree - how sick is this sickness huh? Some of the decisions I made while drinking were just plain ridiculous - but that alcohol seems to put everything into focus doesn't it? (sarcasm obviously intended)

I've been trying to distract myself however possible, within my energy-range. Been keeping a blog as my detox and rehab and recovery happen. who knows, when we share like this over the internet, someone could stumble upon a single sentence or whatever, and it can push them into getting help.

food and I don't have a very good relationship for as long as I was drinking I could barely eat anything and lived off Boost shakes. Am able to get some decent healthy food in now, but I know this is gonna take a whole long time. BTW: 750ml bottles are what I drank every single day, of brandy. i'd sometime crack into a second bottle.

thanks again so much supernaught. I'm amazed and happy for you that you got things done! My morning 'mantra' is just telling myself in the mirror after brushing my teeth "no going back".

best wishes from canada!!

a probably i have now is this unbalance, sometimes I just get so angry and mad, was this something you experienced? Anger outburst? If so, it's normal and venting is healthy. Don't think that you are sick in the head, even though, it is a disease, it is not abnormal it happens with habitual drinkers like you and i. the alcohol made us a little different, perhaps we were a little different to start with but there will more than likely be anger involved.

[supernaught16]

dizziness and what I call a 'foggy head'. - I had experienced this. It's hard to recall exactly what I did but I remember stopping and crouching down and just holding my head together, literally from dizzyness, foggy head I just couldnt think through. the foggy head will feel like it went away after 6 weeks, after six months you will still become more clear and cherent thinking.


still waiting for my admission date to the rehab hospital. - I too did this, by the time the admission date came all of my symptoms had went away (unfortunatly I picked up again a month later, then went through the woods ordeal).

Been keeping a blog as my detox and rehab and recovery happen - That is good. Track your proggression. not only that but to this day, especially when I have an anger issue, writing is my life punching bag. you will become a great writer lol

food and I don't have a very good relationship for as long as I was drinking I could barely eat anything and lived off Boost shakes. ---- I know... Remember, we were drinkers, not eaters. Our body became accustomed to drinking. Everything we needed we got through drinking. I can't say any different'y or stress it enough.... We ARE DRINKERS... If we can get our food through drinking or eating, we will always choose a drink. I've been sober for about a year and I still have a hard time to get myself to eat. But I drink (not booze) a lot. You should see my kitchen. I have more protein shakes, breakfast shakes, meal shakes than anything else, I consume those more than anything else. We as drinkers, DRINK. This is normal.

750ml bottles are what I drank every single day, of brandy. i'd sometime crack into a second bottle. --- Same here... I would actually wake up and drink a 275 or 325 ml flask of Captain morgan as my coffee (I chose Captain Morgan because it was still hard alcohol but it was only 35%, I could still somewhat act like another normal person in society but I would still have the alcohol evaporations coming through my nose, warm stomach, and think it's fun), by the time the afternoon came I would be on the 750 ml bottle, if it was a night where my then gf wanted to gout it would then be followed up with long islands.

Here is a post I made about myself, I hope you can relate (It's from a thread I made somewhere else).

[supernaught16]

your morning mantra. Write that real big on your wall if you have to. My mantra is, this is my fight for my life. Alcoholism wants to fight me? Alcohol wants to take my life? Alcohol wants to take away everything I love, my passion, and make me not fill my potential? Nah, I will fight everyday and put that Mother****er (if it was a person) six feet deep. If I don't, thats where it will put me.

[supernaught16]

Here is a little more history. I hope this helps, if not, disregard. This is a posting I made trying to figure out meth addiction (I never done meth and I hate mentioning it... My ex and I drank together, I later found out she was using meth.... So if you have old friends and with bad habbits, I would recomend dropping them).

i dated an ex addict for two years (meth). first year, she was recovering, clean for four years. stayed alone. just really working on herself. she did really good and looking back, I am really happy and proud as I never seen someone want to just work on herself and learn to be happy alone.

a red flag popped up and I left her for a few months.

a year went by and there seemed to be a lot of trouble and I couldn't put my finger on it. I never thought of it being meth relapse. how could it be? I knew her for a year and she was doing soooooo good. the trouble grew like osmosis to the point to where I gave up.

she robbed her friends house, tried robbing her other friends house, then went back the next day and hung out with these people and blamed it on innocent people and turned enemies against these people "who did it" when really, they don't do meth, she does and she's hanging out with this tweeker person egging on her tweeker pal about these poor victims that the real enemy created.

Her friend, texted me and said that she is on meth again, my exes parents were really mad last time I spoke to them, had the tone in their voice like they wanted no conversation about their daughter even if it was to help her.

She is digging this massive hole for herself really fast.

I have a feeling (I don't talk to her anymore... nooooooooooo way) that she was kicked out of her house because the person who told me she is back on the go fast said she is living on this other street in this tweeker pad now.

I know nothing about that stuff.... I was always a drinker and stoner.

so my question is...

how long do people typically stay on meth for?

with my drinking, I couldn't stop. I wanted to quit drinking for years but not to sound cliche but, it was an obsession of the mind. I could not stop.

the only reason I did stop was my mom dropped me off at a rehab in the middle of the woods 200 miles away and the family I loved was no longer there for me so after I DT'd and withdrawled I hopped the wall that surrounded the complex and ran away to be homeless for eight months until I could get my own place and fight for my life to have my family back.

I'm a different person though.... I have a heart and seeing my mother see me like that and leave me like that was something that made me want to kick the **** out of alcoholism and do something to make her happy. I don't know how long someone would tweak for until they figure it out...

Does anyone know about this?

I'm not trying to get her back or anything....

I just, can't believe she is going down like this.

I remember this time she was wearing these pants that used to be so tight on her and then I remember those pants sagging and stuff, then I saw pictures of us a year ago and she was thick, now she is skinny... Just...

With meth is it like the same thing with my alcoholism? You don't stop until youre about to die alone in the middle of the woods?

Or is it like shrooms where you can do it and stop whenever you want?

i would get my day started with that half fifth bottle and then feel like I needed a 750 ml bottle. 325 ml. of rum was my coffee. 750 ml was like my gatorade and water (stranger is I'm an athlete....

Once I drank a bottle got on the treadmill and ran a mile just under 6 minutes. my mentality was, if Im killing myself might as well go through 6 minutes of pain to get back in shape real quick).

[defiantone]

you said "I would actually wake up and drink a 275 or 325 flask as my coffee" --- I hear ya!!!! My addiction would actually wake me up after about two hours of sleep in a sweat and anxiety, and I'd literally roll over and pour myself a glass (a small juice glass) :-O

"I would still have the alcohol evaporations coming through my nose, warm stomach, and think it's fun" -- yep. so similar to hear you relay your story. For me, I tried to cram as much as I could into an hour or two first thing in the morning before I started really letting it rip and pouring glasses... so that I didn't have to be in public and for people to smell the liquor literally coming out of my pores in my skin. I smelled like a distillery, or like I bathed in hard liquor. People who knew me were always too polite to tell me how badly I wreaked of booze.

Did the post you were gonna repost here about yourself not make it thru? I don't see it, but anxious to read it.

I used to always sign my correspondences with "chrz" - but have now taken to just saying "my best wishes" ;-)

[defiantone]

Ok, I see the post now reading...

Great post man. Wow. Meth just wrecks you extra fast. Someone once told me Alcoholism is so deadly because it first makes you think you don't have a problem, then it starts taking little pieces of your personality away - no big deal, barely noticeable you think.... then you start changing your daily routines to accommodate the drink.... then it has you. But not finished with you yet.... then it's usually a moderately slow downhill ride into real serious organ disease and damage but like you said, there is an obsession with it I think too, on top of the addiction itself. Alcohol is a slow killer. But I figure without help, it will eventually win - with anyone. I didn't really (not 'really') seriously consider getting help until I started throwing up blood and docs telling me I'd die. We are all prisoners of our addictions eh? whether liquor, meth, pills....

I've never done meth. Thankfully, or I would have become addicted immediately. So sad to hear about your ex-gf. Sounds like her life just got worse and worse....and to be living in a flop-house and jacking people's homes? yikes.

sendin good thoughts yer way m'friend!

[supernaught16]

I used to always sign my correspondences with "chrz" - but have now taken to just saying "my best wishes" ;-) hahahahahaha... still got me laughing.

I remember two things, one, I started off light also bc, I really couldnt tolerate the taste of alcohol so Captain Morgan with Dr Pepper, got the alcohol on my breath, kinda primed me for the rough stuff later on.

Also, there was a point where my stomach just wasn't a big enough capacity to hold all of the amount of liquor I needed to drink to get where I wanted to be. So, how do you fix that? Don't eat.

Oh man... Throwing up blood? I never met anyone else who experienced this. I too... Threw up a lot of blood... I remember seeing what looked like chunks of fatty flesh or stomach lining in the throw up as well... Praying to god telling him I'll never drink again... Drinker later on that evening is what wound up happening. It's a real disease. Those people who don't agree, aren't sick.

It's impossible to understand. If scientists can't come up with an explanation for it then there is no use of trying to make an explanation of it ourselves.

I know you don't want to eat but I am going to tell you like my sister told me. Eat healthy and excercise. You have put so much stuff in your body you are lucky to be alive, and you are lucky to get help and have a future.

You deserve to live life, you have not experienced living. Take care of yourself, eat well, excercise so you can prolong your life and enjoy... If it's not enjoyable now, well, you have to get through it, but this too shall pass and the sun always comes after the winter.

I don't know how old you are, I am kinda lucky to get caught in the vicious cycle when I was 14, I will be 29 in a couple of months.

Also, here is a sobering thought/ reality. I'm not a fan of AA. But I went. I had a sponsor. We had a lot of good times together and he was a really cool dude. Just a weird, harmless angry, crazy in a down to earth chill way. Dude was real cool. He was my sponsor and the first person I met the first day I decided to quit drinking. He encouraged me to volunteer with him to set up for this Christmas function/ concert.

I went there... He didn't. I didn't know but my sponsor decided to stay home and drink that night.

That was the last drink he had in is life.

You never know when it's gonna take you.

Best Wishes!

[defiantone]

so unfortunate about your sponsor :-O
I'm 10 years older than you, 39 last month. You are indeed fortunate to have pulled things together for yourself those ten extra years earlier than I! That throwing-up blood might have been a similar prob. I also had 'flecks' of dark black things coming-out amidst the blood, like coffee grounds. that *is* pieces of your stomach lining, and the blood may have been coming from your pancreas (i had two er visits this year for acute pancreatitis). regardless, blood=bad ;-)

Did you ever get an endoscopy to check things out?