[Eleny]

I feel as though in the past year or so I've formed a few addictions. I've never smoked in my life and then in the past 12 months or so took it up which has left me feeling disappointed in myself. I drink most nights and feel as though I need it if I go out to feel relaxed and confident. It also makes me feel less lonely when I'm on my own.

I have also started doing Cocaine when I go out (which I really hope is ok to say here) which is starting to take over my mind a bit (when can I get some, who will have some). In truth though I know it only exacerbates my anxiety and makes me feel ashamed of myself.

My dad was/is an alcoholic so I know I have that in my genes.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope but I don't know what to do because I'm not sure I want to even stop any of the above. But there is a part of me that is screaming stop, be healthy, meditate, work on yourself and stop trying to escape with substances.

Can anyone relate? It would be nice to hear I'm not alone.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Eleny: Well... no I guess I can't really relate to this directly. I've never smoked or done drugs & I gave up alcohol quite a few years ago now. But I do know something about addictions in general. Just a few minutes ago I replied to another member's post regarding being addicted to self-harm... which is something I can relate to... that & wanting to be healthy but instead being trapped by one's addictions. (I'll spare you the details.)

I wish I knew what to tell you about this. If you see a therapist, talking through this with that person may help. If you don't see one, perhaps the time is nigh? I do agree this is a slippery slope you're on. There's an old saying: "No matter how far you've travelled down the wrong road... TURN BACK!" I wish you well...

[Liberada]

I've been to two AA meetings. That was probably two months ago. I don't remember which one it was but we were all leaving (all women) and someone said, "Don't keep drinking and keep coming back!" And I thought to myself, what a *****! I had my 2nd appointment with my therapist a few days ago and told him what was said. He was shocked. So I'm currently looking for another AA group. My father also is an alcoholic, as was his father. So yeah, it's in my genes too.

But I'm tired of hiding it. I'm tired of going to different stores every day so they won't know how much I drink. I was at the grocery store yesterday and a guy came up all chatty and it was the liquor store employee. Wanted me to know he had a new job. I hide my drinking from my husband. Now, what if we had been shopping together?? How would I have explained that?

You're not alone. This morning I went out for breakfast. Went through the drive through. And instead of buying a bottle I decided to spend the money on the people in line behind me. I killed two birds with one stone. I did a favor for someone else and a favor for myself at the same time. I think that's going to be what I do. Maybe. Every time I want to buy a bottle maybe I'll just go through a drive through. ...... just a thought.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by Eleny

I feel as though in the past year or so I've formed a few addictions. I've never smoked in my life and then in the past 12 months or so took it up which has left me feeling disappointed in myself. I drink most nights and feel as though I need it if I go out to feel relaxed and confident. It also makes me feel less lonely when I'm on my own.

I have also started doing Cocaine when I go out (which I really hope is ok to say here) which is starting to take over my mind a bit (when can I get some, who will have some). In truth though I know it only exacerbates my anxiety and makes me feel ashamed of myself.

My dad was/is an alcoholic so I know I have that in my genes.

I feel like I'm on a slippery slope but I don't know what to do because I'm not sure I want to even stop any of the above. But there is a part of me that is screaming stop, be healthy, meditate, work on yourself and stop trying to escape with substances.

Can anyone relate? It would be nice to hear I'm not alone.

I can relate to what your saying in many ways. I've tried discussing this with my therapist when I was in therapy and she didn't quite understand. I was in the same scenario and I felt it was difficult to stop. 1/2 of me wanted to because I knew it was best for me and the other 1/2 didn't. I guess it was my way of coping with past and present issues. I felt it was my go to. When I was upset i would engage in my addiction and when I celebrated I engaged in my addiction as well. It was part of my social life as well. As time went on my addiction did increase. I didn't stop until I had a few events where I "bottomed out" and saw felt horrible. I placed myself in predicaments where I was crying for days. I had no support and truly I realized that ultimately I was alone with my addiction. There were many changes that I physically saw in myself as well as my life that I didn't realize happened until after the fact. It's not an easy road to travel. After hitting bottom I had to fight against myself and my thoughts. I weaned myself off. I still craved my addiction but the craving grew smaller and smaller. I still battle things in my head today and perhaps my addictions are different now but they still exist in some shape or form. According to my therapist it's due to unresolved issues in my past. Currently I'm battling things in my head and that's why I decided to read about other people's addiction and coping skills. It's not easy. It takes so much will power. The thing is that when you have an addiction as such it's so easy to lose yourself and your priorities get skewed. That's something that I didn't notice until I hit bottom.
I found it helpful to stop and think about what I was doing and how it's affecting me. Cocaine is an expensive drug. You will see your money disappear in no time as you build resistance and you feel the need to increase the amount you intake. Sometimes it's all about it being a learning experience and going through the process but I would definitely seek help now before the urge gets worse. Also careful with who you socialize. It's very difficult to make those changes when the people you socialize with engage in the same addictions. As a group you then support your own habit and that makes it very difficult to abstain

[PsychNitrous]

I can relate. I smoke marijuana daily, it's my self-medication until I find psych meds that will actually help me. But even once I get to that point, I probably won't ever quit smoking, because I enjoy it. Not sure I'm at the point of addiction, but I may be blind.

Just from your post, I think I can relate more with your cocaine use. I use it very rarely, just like my use of opiates. But I know there is addiction there. I know that I can't let myself start seeking either drug out on my own, because I'll get lost to them. And I definitely fear letting go of my use. I get panicky thinking about never using again. I've gone the route of NA meetings before, I've talked to my therapist about my use, and I know how treatment programs work. But I still don't want to give up, and everyone says that you can't change until you're ready. So what I try to do is slowely taper into being more healthy. I try to do something positive to cope when I want drugs, before I turn to them. I think that's been helping.

[helpandbehelped]

Hi. I do understand. I spent six years addicted to pain killers and anxiety medications. I smoke too which affects so many people in this world but when you start with one addiction it usually leads to more. When you can't get your "fix" you tend to move to another drug just to get the same feeling. I used to use because it made me motivated and it made me feel comfortable and more outgoing. I understand what you're saying and I think you should look at the worst addiction you have, cocaine, and stop it. Go get help and focus on finding an outlet when things get you really far down. I've never been to rehab but it works for some people. I got off of drugs and drinking by nearly losing my son. There are always ways to get around quitting. That's just a hard truth. You tell yourself that you'll do it better, but you won't. You need to confide in someone. Someone you trust enough to tell you to just stop and who will badger the hell out of you if you screw up. If you feel you do have the strength to not go to rehab do it but if you really feel so out of it that you can't do it alone or with small amount of help, go to rehab. You can do this. I don't know you but I know what you feel and you can do it.

[Erebos]

Just a point to psych Nitrous. I am in a similar situation about finding meds a self medicating. Only problem is you can't be correctly diagnosed or medicated whilst using any drug. Especially pot.These days it's made so much stronger than it used to be. ( unless u r getting it legally.) I watch more And more of my toker buddies reach there early to mid 30's and suddenly crumble under debilitating mental illness.
It breaks my heart when I hear people talk about grass being safe. When I have witnessed the psychosis it can cause put otherwise talented and intelligent individuals in the psychiatric hospital.
I judge not, believe me I have no room to talk. I just wanted to let others know to be careful. Especially if your prone to mental illness.

Back to the OP, sadly for some of us it takes hitting rock bottom and hurting everyone we love, and losing everything we have worked for before we realise we need to get clean.
You are aware which is good. May e you could go to a meeting or two. Hear some else rl stories face to face. It might help to bring it home.
I do understand where your at, and it would be awesome if you can grab it by the scruff now before it's claws get any deeper. But you might just not be ready.
We will be here when you are though.