Day 1

I relapsed rather badly mid last week, and have been drinking steadily until finishing the bottle yesterday morning. I have been so sick with withdrawal. I've been throwing up for the past 24 hours, and now I'm starting to shake. So today will be another day in bed, of feeling like crap.

So today is day 1 again.

I feel so messed up. I've been trying to quit drinking since 2006, and while I've had some long periods of sobriety I've also had a lot of relapses, and they've been more frequent in the past 7 months. I'm accomplishing nothing with my life.

This has to stop.

I'm going to restart my antabuse on Wed.

splitimage

Congratulations on day 1, splitimage. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and empathize. You can always message me if you ever want to talk, if you need support (I don't check this forum often). I have been on the sobriety/relapse road before and finally managed to get sober over nine years ago. I think you're strong to keep trying. Most people don't hear that enough, I think, when it's so true. I'll be thinking of you.

24 hours - congrats! I completely empathize with how you feel splitimage. The detoxing after each drinking episode was painful, and I eventually reached a point where I was drinking every single day. For myself, I found I could not stop the drinking on my own. I spent 30 days in in-patient treatment as well as 4 months in out-patient treatment. I have discovered that there is strength in numbers and so I attend AA meetings now. Most importantly for me, I have fully come to accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I only get one life, so the cost to go into treatment was worth every penny for me. I am now 16 months sober - doing it one day at a time.

What happened?

Hang in there! PM me anytime!

Notz, I'd gotten away from working my program and wasn't going to my groups. Then I had some personal setbacks career wise, and I just got into a progressively more self destructive mood, until I said screw it I want to drink.

Thanks for the support everyone, I'm now onto Day 2. The first24 hours were pretty rough, but yesterday I managed to keep a bit of food down. I'm still feeling shaky and have a splitting headache, so I'm probably going to spend today in bed again.

Plan is to restart taking Antabuse tomorrow, and get back to my groups.

splitimage

Ginger Ale was always my friend for the early nausea.

You're a fighter, bounce back, you always do. Make it stick.

Moogieotter - thank God for Gingerale. I've been living on it. Am now mostly eating ok, but not trying anything too adventuresome.

Still feel like something the cat threw up though. I really have to learn.

Thanks Notz. Yup - I'm good at starting over. Really trying to make it stick this time. I've been reaching out by phone to women in WFS. That's one of the meetings I've got to get back to.

I'm sorry Splitimage, I know how hard you work at this and have read of your struggles over the years. I can only wish you much strength. I am so grateful I didn't suffer any physical withdrawal whatsoever. That must really be hard for you. Stay strong and do what you need to do.

How are you doing splitimage?

Thanks for asking Sabrina.

Well I stayed sober over Christmas, and have been sober since my last relapse. I was so sick afterward that the thought of drinking has really lost all appeal.

I also talked with my addictions Dr., and we've agreed that I'd go back on Antabuse. So I'm back on that, and so can't drink. That gives me a bit of a security blanket to build up some sober time again.

And we've agreed that while I'm job hunting in the new year, I'll go to the Contemplative group at my rehab, Mon's, and Fri's, because I find it a useful group for support. It's not as structured as their formal full time rehab program, but a lot of people use it for ongoing support, as they are getting ready to enter treatment, or if they can't do the formal rehab program for some reason.

So I'm feeling pretty good about going into 2016 sober.

splitimage

Great news splitimage. Keep doing what you're doing! Lots of strength to you

I'm glad you are in the recovery track again. Keep it up Splitimage!!! All of your efforts are worth it in the end

I just read this thread from the beginning. Congratulations on the progress you've made. Staying clean & sober happens one day at a time. I know that's a trite saying, but that's the only way I count my sobriety. I relapsed several times over the years while counting the days, months & years (which many find helpful -- & that's good), but it only happens for me 24 hours at a time. In that sense we're equals...Welcome to the club.

Thanks everyone.

Emgreen - I have a friend in AA who approaches sobriety the same way you do. She says the person with the most sobriety is the person who got up first in the morning. Not always popular with the old timers.

I'm having crazy strong urges to drink today, but I'm not going to, both because I'm the Antabuse, and because I litterally can't afford it. So I'm trying to distract myself.

splitimage

Yep...I think some people measure sobriety by the number of days they have, while I measure others' sobriety by how much of the program they practice. When folks ask me how much sobriety I have, I tell them, "A few 24 hours," which drives some people nuts. Whether you're in AA, or not, it's a matter of how much you make of your clean time. It sounds like you know what to do & how to do it. Keep on, splitimage!

Ginger ale???

My nausea is one of things keeping me drinking next day. So ginger ale works for that?

(sorry, managed to lose the quote somehow)

Hello splitimage.
Thanks for reminding me of my early years of struggling with alcoholism. I need to be reminded of were I can return to if I pick up a drink.
In those days, after I first got some clarity about being an alcoholic, I struggled for seven years to stay stopped.

Each time I relapsed I thought I could handle it.
But during my first drink I said to myself, "I've done it now, I might as well get drunk!"
Then shortly afterwards I would think with great urgency "Gee, I've got a lot of catching up yo do!"
Catch up to what, the guy on the park bench!? (which I eventually became)
Whenever I got sober and reflected on this, I could never work it out. But drunk, it made total sense.

Then years later in recovery I discovered why. When I was drunk, I often thought my irrational thoughts seemed right, and everybody else was wrong. Because IT FELT RIGHT.
As long as it felt right, I couldn't give a damn if it was irrational or not.

In Step 2 of AA, it says: 'Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity'.
This assumes that I realized that my drinking was insane.
But not only that, but somewhere along the line I become insane to pick up that first drink again (in light of what I know about myself as an alcoholic).
The trouble with that, I cannot tell when I get insane, because I am are already insane.

That is the reason why the 12 Step program is a spiritual program.
I need to rely on a Power greater than me, on a daily basis (Step 11) to keep me on track. As a result, I have been clean and sober for 27 years.
So recovery is not only possible but durable too. It works if you work at it.
I still work at it, but don't really notice it, because the 12 Step life of self honesty is my way of life now.

Hope your new growth in recovery will blossom into the person you always wanted to become.