[ComfortablyNumb5]

If I told you all the details, you would hate me. Long story short, over a week ago my bf and I were having a few beers while the step kids (I call them my step kids) were playing around the house. Well before I knew it, I was blacked out. I briefly remember fighting with my bf and threatening suicide. Well I guess the attempt went through because I woke up the next day in the ER with the dr telling me I was going to psych. The whole time I was in psych, I thought i had just cut and swallowed a bunch of my meds but I had no clue the details of what happened and I didn't know that my bf was even mad at me. Well the day he picked me up from psych (5 days later), he told me he was moving out. Let me just mention that he lives in my home and his kids are here part time. Because of my BP I'm pursuing social security so we depend on his income which is very tight as it is. My car isn't even running. So here we are in the car on the way home from IP and I'm losing my mind crying. He then tells me the details of that night and says his kids are no longer allowed around me. He didn't care that is be stuck here with no income or ways to pay my bills. I would lose my house. He didn't care. I begged him to not leave. I begged like a sorry loser. He agreed to give me one month to get my anger issues under control and no drinking. How do I fix this?! What kind of relationship do we have if I can't have the kids here? I'm so embarrassed that my drinking has came to this. I've ruined everything.

I'm done drinking. It messes with my MI and it's ruined my family at home. I'm so worried he's still going to leave me. I worry sick every day.

Anyone else ever royally **** their lives up like this from drinking? Was it fixable? I guess time will tell.

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[Nammu]

I don't hate you, no matter what happened. I didn't **** up from drinking but I did Royaly **** up thanks to not accepting and dealing with my diagnosises of PTSD and BP, I let it get so bad I had nothing. Literally, I had one backpack got on a bus went to a different state alone where I knew no one and was living on the streets.

Until I accepted my illness and started doing the things that would lead to stability I had nothing. It wasn't easy but it is possible.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I start therapy next week. I'm just worried that even if I can prove I'm on the right path, that he'll leave anyway. He's at work right now so I wrote him out a letter and put it on the coffee table for when he comes home in the morning. I told him I'd move mountains to fix this but if he's just going to leave anyway then to quit stringing me along. I'm so worried.

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[Nammu]

you are trying and that's all you can do. It's got to be so hard to do this with conditional support instead of the full support you deserve. I'm thinking of you.

[TishaBuv]

I came close to royally screwing up.

What I am trying to do now is to just be well and avoid the stressors. Try to just focus on you. If he leaves, he wasn't right for you. You will get well and things will get better. You don't need him to be whole. Take care of you.

[Moogieotter]

Alcohol destroyed my first marriage. I'm way better now, but it took a few years of expensive wisdom.

Sorry you are struggling. What do you plan to do to stay sober?

moogs

[Kuras]

A Bipolar sufferer on booze or drugs is a recipe for horrendous disaster, even when properly medicated otherwise.

I was destroying my life from the ground up when I was using. The fact that I'm not in prison for my past is a miracle in and of itself.

It can and does get better if you're able to stay clean. It's been years since I've used and recovery is a central aspect of my life. It's only since then that I've been able to further my future.

[splitimage]

I've messed up many things due to my drinking and lost a lot. The only way for me to make things better is to stay sober. Sounds like it's the same for you at this point. What can you do to make sure you stay sober?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I've talked to my bf and told him not to bring it home anymore. He's fine with it. I don't miss it much after what I did so I'm doing good. Im well aware that I can walk to the store any time but I'm not going to. It's not worth it. Thanks for the support guys

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[ComfortablyNumb5]

I feel so terrible. How do I begin to fix this? Maybe I don't deserve him and just let him go

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[Moogieotter]

We're like ...here to help?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I feel so terrible. How do I begin to fix this? Maybe I don't deserve him and just let him go

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What makes him so above you that you think you don't deserve him? He's the one that brought alcohol home and drank with the woman he knows has serious health problems relating to substance abuse. Maybe he doesn't deserve you.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What makes him so above you that you think you don't deserve him? He's the one that brought alcohol home and drank with the woman he knows has serious health problems relating to substance abuse. Maybe he doesn't deserve you.

I guess it's more my low self esteem talking. I can't work because I'm sick yet he works so hard. He makes me feel like a loser just sitting at home all day while he goes to work and pays all the bills. He knows I'd be ****ed without him and he plays with it. It's me that believes he's too good based on income really. And yea he shouldn't of been bringing alcohol around me especially when the kids are here. I've told him a million times.

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[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

I guess it's more my low self esteem talking. I can't work because I'm sick yet he works so hard. He makes me feel like a loser just sitting at home all day while he goes to work and pays all the bills. He knows I'd be ****ed without himand he plays with it. It's me that believes he's too good based on income really. And yea he shouldn't of been bringing alcohol around me especially when the kids are here. I've told him a million times.

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He taunts you? He's taking shots at you and taking you down for being dependent on him?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

He taunts you? He's taking shots at you and taking you down for being dependent on him?

Not necessarily. But I think he knows that without him im screwed. I'm trying to suck up to him since he threatened to leave. When he showers I get his clothes ready for him before work. When he's in a hurry I roll a pack of smokes for him. He knows what he's doing to me and I get no "thank you". He once said "you don't need me, you can live in your daddies basement". I will never move back home. That was a volatile house full of alcoholics. My bf knows I can't move back there so he keeps saying it.

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[Kuras]

Income does not equate to a person's value. If you're sick and unable to work right now, that's simply your present circumstances. A significant other shouldn't take and use that to lord over you.

His behavior sounds, at best, wholly insensitive and, at worst, emotionally abusive. Not the words of someone who demonstrates love for another person.

[TishaBuv]

I have always been at someone else's mercy because they supported me. I worked full time and didn't make enough money for rent, plus was bullied into staying dependent on my mother. Then I married and got pregnant, being supported by h, but loving being able to stay home and raise kids. Over time, I have become so ill due to the conflict and stress, now I really don't think I'm capable of working more than part time.

I know what you mean about sucking up by doing things for them. I did so much just to be loving and nice, but then I got so little back. It became resentment and feeling so trapped.

I was raised that you always have to answer to somebody. It's a bad feeling to not be able to just feel safe and secure in a healthy place. I understand.

[kecanoe]

I would start by attending AA meetings. That saved my life and my relationship.

[Nammu]

i just googled AA and NA groups and the first one that came up was for online NA. You could start there. Maybe there's a local phone number for your area and you could ask for rides to group?

[Moogieotter]

Agree here. 12 step programs work, but you need to have bottomed out usually.

Are you bottomed out, RxQueen?

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I've done AA before and i couldn't get into it. So far I'm doing fine though

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[Kuras]

Ain't gonna try to tell you what to do. You may not be anything like me. There's a difference between someone with a substance abuse problem and an addict. The former develops a dependence on drugs/alcohol. They go, they get clean, then they move on with their life. They're the kind of person whose using got in the way of their work or family. An addict is the kind of person whose work/family/etc gets in the way of their using.

In addiction, I destroyed everything that got in the way of booze and dope. And no matter how much it killed me inside or how much I loved those around me, none of it mattered. It defined my life and, as a result, I ****ed up every relationship and everything around me. I'd smash my head till I bled, screaming and wanting so badly to be able to stop. Always went back.

I'm legitimately certain that if I hadn't found my way into the program of recovery, I'd be one of two places right now. Prison or dead. But maybe you're not like me or similar others and, quite frankly, I'd be beyond happy if that's the case. I certainly can't make that determination. But looking at and finding where you really stand in that scheme is of the utmost importance. Because it defines our course of action. The last time I got it in my head that I could go it all alone, the results weren't good.

No matter what, I pray the absolute best for you.

[notz]

My partner had told me several times she couldn't handle me drinking. I was unemployable, I didn't have any money left, I was dependent on her for everything. I felt like a piece of worthless trash. I was hollow and incapable of standing on my own two feet. Deep down I knew that as long as I continued to drink it would get worse and I would hate myself more and more every day.

One morning I ran out of booze so I jumped in the car and drove through the next subdivision to a different main road to visit one of my many liquor stores. I got lost coming home. It was just a few blocks away and I lived in the area but I couldn't find my way home, I was too drunk. Finally after some 4 hours of driving around I made it home. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I hated what and who I saw. I knew I had to change something! I knew I was going to lose my sweetheart but I realized I was losing me too. I think I knew my spirit was dying. I had to decide between being an out of control drunk or learning who I really was...sober.

It wasn't pretty, me stopping cold turkey like that but I did it. I looked at statistics and saw that people who go to AA have a better rate of staying sober longer. That's why I went to meetings, to increase my odds. I sure as hell knew I hadn't been able to successfully stay away from alcohol for any length of time on my own, I needed whatever it was that made other people sober and stay that way.

I just ignored all the god stuff, shut up and listened. Every time I wanted to bust out laughing at something I thought was just ******** coming out of someone's mouth I just remembered some of the drunk moments that I had such deep remorse over. That sense of guilt and shame for my behavior would jerk me back to the reality that I needed to listen and learn.

I hope you find it within you to realize that you've been trying to wean off alcohol and drugs for awhile now without much success. You've just not been able to do it so far, why should this be any different? It will be easier and longer lasting if you will find a group of people who have been successful with this. You don't have to do this alone! You will have a better chance of getting sober and staying abstinent if you get with a group that has experience with the ins and outs of early recovery. It's not easy and doing it alone usually doesn't work. Work the odds!!

What Plan B do you have for when the boyfriend leaves? He will leave. If he has a shred of decency and cares about his children any at all he will find the appropriate environment in order to have them visit. Right now that does not include you. The odds are high that he will choose his children over someone who can't get it together. The truth is always cold.

You've got to get sober, get back on track and never, never go back to using. Think long and hard, you need you to be who you really are not what alcohol and drugs have made you think you are. You have it within you to reclaim yourself, you just have to do it.

[treevoice]

During my darkest days of recovery, I pulled similar stuff with my now-husband. Repeatedly. He would beg for me to stop, and I would (I don't remember this) threaten suicide and talk about how worthless I was and even pulled a gun on myself right in front of him. To this day, I cannot fathom why he stayed. I can't tell you for sure if your boyfriend will stay or not. You have to understand that since he has children, that has to take priority over helping you with your recovery. This is not said to make you feel guilty or to hurt you--I hope that it works out for you, truly, and that he stays. But this is your journey, your demon, that you must face--with or without him. And hey, if he leaves now, nothing is permanent. You never know what might happen or who you might be once you are back on your healthy path. Words don't mean much on their own. Don't beg, just show him that you mean business. Get into meetings. Read the books. Communicate with him. If you feel like you're about to slip up, or you already slipped up, tell him. Get in front of the issue and be careful not to be secretive about it (that is how we end up blindsiding our loved ones with our demons). And if he makes the decision to leave, respect him for it, and seek help elsewhere--there are always resources in your community. The most beautiful success stories start with the darkest moments. Best of luck. <3

Edit: Just saw your post that you "couldn't get into AA meetings". I felt the same way. To be honest, I still don't credit AA for my recovery. But going to meetings is making an effort, it's a new source of information, and a social network. If nothing else, it will show your boyfriend that you are willing to do whatever it takes--even if it's unpleasant--to get better.

[jacky8807]

RX queen hope you are ok! Here to support you!