[InACorner]

My heart says, believe him....my brain says....your an idiot if you believe him

my father is a patholoigcal liar...see why i shouldnt believe him...never works...oh except for doing his paper route....and is always at the bar....i call him once in awhile...he doesnt care about me...he doesnt call me...but i try....and he tells me he's working on houses....doing real good...picked up his bug spray business again....and when i was like 16/17 years old I believed him...he was my dad...he didnt care, heck doesnt even remember my birthday...but he called me princess....and for some stupid reason....i clung to that..Ive talked to him since then....he says he works..i dont know where...but he says he does....and i asked my stepmom and she said he works too....but i dont know what to believe...In fact...i dont know why this is so important to me....see...you know why its important to me....Do you know how much I admire Ray (Raynaadi) or how much I admire Depressme.....or in fact how much I admire all of you? Because you have hearts....beautiful hearts....and you all took your lives by the horns and steered straight....now when you guys were in the deepths of it....wouldnt you want your friends and loved ones to stick by you...and wait for you to come out of the fog? I want to do that for my dad...because I see all of you and your success....and my last single hope in my heart is that it may not be too late...that when he comes out of that fog and becomes a great person like all of you are....he will know I stuck by him....but im starting to wear down....and I dont know when he will want to start getting better...hes already almost 60 and he has been abusing drugs and alcohol every day since he was 15 ( he said he got away with it at that age) ...it hurts so bad to want to trust him and want to be near him...and all he does is hurt me....and abuse me...and i blame the alcohol and drugs for that....i dont want to give up on him....but if I dont ....then I might get hurt in the process....but i cant take the chance that they are feeding me more lies just to get me to visit....i went to visit last time....(i was 18) and he was at the bar so much...that everyone in the bar knew my name and my life story...well the story that HE knows...im so confused....he has this hold on me...this grip...and sometimes i wish i had the power to let go....the cold heart to let go...but i love him...its more than he can say about me....but I love him...I miss him...and i wish he just would get better....if he just got better i know he would be a better person...he wouldnt abuse and wouldnt say mean things....i know there is a heart somewhere...i want my real dad ...before its too late....

im sorry if i offended anyone

[Raynaadi]

Alcoholics are master manipulators. Its easy to get sucked back in when they tell us what we want to here.

I'd REALLY suggest Alanon. Its a support group for pepole who love alcoholics.

[tranquility]

I agree with Rayna - Alanon would help you tremendously and it doesn't cost anything unless you can spare a buck for a meeting!

The hardest thing to tell non-alcoholics is that there is absolutely nothing you can do for the alcoholic in your life. They have to make the step to get better. Unfortunately, their loved ones feel responsible, guilt, and pain anyway.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself so that if your dad gets the desire to stop drinking you can be there to support him then.

No one could do anything for me until I decided to put the drink down.

Tranquility

[InACorner]

thank you...so much...i will check it out....

Tranquility...i admire you alot also by the way...thank you

its hard not to feel responsible since im his daughter you know? But your right...i guess i have to let myself give him his time and sit back and wait...which is really hard to do...
thanks for your support...

[RiverX]

Hi Iny,
I just wanted to say something to you, I found what you said really heart rending, not offensive, but those feelings I recognise and know them so well. That longing and need. Those are real feelings, and your love for your dad is real, its really difficult to access and act on that sort of love, because ......... well, how do you act on it without damaging yourself? I agree, with whats been said, the anon groups can be really helpful. Thers this thing they talk about, - 'detachment with love', it helps you to seek the highest good, ie, what is the really most beneficial thing you can do or say, or not say, in the whole circummstances??

I havent posted here before, but having read your post, felt moved to say something back to you.

riverx

[InACorner]

thank you RiverX, your right, i should learn how to detach myself and still love ...lol just the idea makes me want to bang my head against the wall a few times....you know what really kills me...what hurts me so deep inside it swallows me whole.... my entire life I have loved him...thought about him....i have dealt with my mother....the consequence of his actions....he is not the one being tortured every day with this....i am reminded every single day about how terrible he was...i am the one protecting my abuser against their abuser.....now talk about trying to figure that one out....as a child....even now i protected my mother, who hated me because of him, i had to protect her because she told me i was just like him, and i felt it was my job to protect her...everyday ....even now i see myself have some of his traits...and he doesnt call....he doesnt write....he doesnt even have someone else call me....if i just didnt do anything anymore....then i would never ever have contact with him again.....because he would never do it....he has his own little world...while i am picking up his mess.....i am sweeping up the broken shards he left behind...and as he goes along in life....getting away with everything, doing anything he wants, I am the one who plays a punching bag with my mothers words...while on the other side I am a punching bag to his words, when he really goes on a drunken rampage....so he doesnt make her a punching bag anymore....it makes me angry...why cant for one second he pick up the pieces...why cant he be the one to have the torments and be the grown up he is supposed to be....i almost feel like the blood we share are shackles...he helped make who i am today...and im not proud....most days i feel like i should be locked away from the world so i dont hurt anyone like he has....but i also feel i deserve all the pain he gives me because i am his daughter and i deserve it....a monster created a monster....and i dont want anyone else to get hurt by him....i feel so lost and angry and sad and pathetic....

thank you for letting me rant ...i know i sound like im in my own little world...most of the time i am....but no body really understands the pain and the price it comes with....i can say i am in pain outloud...but no body would really understand the depths of it....understand the reasonings...or the need for validation....to feel like he is going to suffocate me every single day, every single minute....every single second....

[RiverX]

OK, Inny, I think I might be able to help.
I have helped others before. Lets take it one step at a time, try to calm donw and listen.

First, believe me, I DO KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. Because I have been where you are. Not once or twice, but, for a lot of my life.

First thing to take care of is your feelings. Right now, I bet thats not what you want to do, what you probably want is for the soo.s in your life to understand and care. But first, how you are right now. .......... think of a little child who has been left out in a storm. What would you do for her?

Take her in, wrap her in a blanket, she's shivering and in shock, you care for her. Thats you, you can start caring for yourself llike that. Its like your in shock. Its not the shock of the external storm, that s what s so difficult, its the internal storm.

..........."but i also feel i deserve all the pain he gives me because i am his daughter and i deserve it....a monster created a monster....and i dont want anyone else to get hurt by him....i feel so lost and angry and sad and pathetic...."

this has got inside you and its not yours, but you are trying to handle it, to detox the whole situation on behalf of others. I know, I have been carrying the same thing.

I believe there is a solution to this. Its a long path and you can get there bit by bit, one step at a time.
One thing might help you - keep your eye on this the horizon that one day you will be well, and someone will come along who is feeling like you are feeling now. And you will be able to understand them and help them like no one else could because ;you have been there too. You will be able to bring healing, even if not directly to your fam of origin. (actually, I think you express this so well, keep a copy, one day someone else may benefit from hearing it).

If you find a meeting, at least that will be a safe place for you to unravel, get some rest from the convolutions of what you are going through. And ultimately, how I believe this works is that you will be in the best possible place to deal with and bring the highest good available between you and your loved ones, whatever that would look like, and that will bring you peace.

I am not totally well myself, but what I am talikng about I have had some success in, just bits, but it gives me hope and a sense of direction. Sometimes, of course, I am in despair and in the dark, but to the extent that I am in a position to use my expereinces to help, this gives me more healing than you can imagine, so thank you for being here. I hope its made some sort of sense.

I'm away this weekend. Maybe we'll catch up again later.



riverX