i dont know what to do anymore

it seems like we get into fights all the time and its always over stupid stuff. like hell take something i say the wrong way and it turns into a huge fight where i inevitably end up crying.

we came from totally different backgrounds. his family is wealthy, country club goers all that crap. my family is lower class, parents divorced, never gotten anything handed to me. ive also been in an abusive relationship over 2 years ago.

well its extremely hard to talk to him about family or exes because he doesnt understand. and then he gets all defensive because he doesnt understand and it always comes back on me. just once i want him to take responsibility for what he does. if he does something that makes me mad, instead of just apologizing it always turns into "well you do this" kinda thing and i just dont feel like i can take it anymore. i feel like he doesnt even like me and that the only reason hes with me is because he doesnt think he can get anyone else but every time i say that to him he denies it up and down. but he doesnt even act like he loves me anymore.

i have no idea what to do. i said couples counseling and he totally flipped saying that people who have only been together a couple years dont need that and we can fix it ourselves. then i gave him several examples of how we dont resolve things and he just got pouty.

Well, if you didn't have couples counseling before marriage, you certainly can need it during early marriage.

I think you should go ahead with counseling even if he won't go. The therapist will help you work through what you can. TC

He sounds immature and spoiled. Don't expect him to change if he doesn't even admit that he could stand some improvement.

You go ahead and go to a T. Work out your own things that might need improvement. If he follows suit, then there might be hope. Otherwise, I doubt it.

he does admit it sometimes. hes usually the first one to say "its all my fault" but i think sometimes it more of a defense mechanism rather than an honest statement.

i asked him again last night about couples counseling and he said hell do whatever it takes to make us better. he said he wants to work on it and he knows what he would be missing if i werent here.

he said that he needed me to do something drastic like threaten to move out or leave him before it really hit home what it would be like without me.

and i know i might sound naive but i have been through this with other guys like my ex and he used to abuse me so that was even worse.

our lease is up at the end of june so that is like a perfect time frame to figure things out. if things arent better by then were going our separate ways. and i even said well you have me depending on your income so youre just going to throw me out on my *** not giving me any time to work and save up money (i go to school full time) and he said that even if we did break up he would help me out while i dont have time to work. im not sure how much i believe that but well see....

thanks for listening you guys.

My boyfriend and I had a similar conversation.

Me: "Oh man, the Navy is gonna be so good for you. I mean, you'll make money, you'll have the status you've wanted, you'll like what your doing, and hell, you'll get your butt kicked and grow up a bit!"

Oops.

That conversation ended up turning into a....Really, really, pointless debate. Who's more mature? Who's mature enough for their age?

What?

It's retarded, I know. But sometimes, I noticed, we are more likely to point out eachothers faults that positive qualities. Maybe you should suggest that you two should try and say something positive about one another at least once a day. Maybe after having one of these fights that would be the best time to do it.

Also, try and admit to your own faults, but don't assume that he should if you do. Be as modest as possible. Set an example as best you can. If he cannot follow your lead in taking control of your bad habits or flaws, then maybe he's the problem.

Compromise may be painful and feel unnecessary, especially if you believe you've done no wrong, but loosing him might be worse than compromising. Try your best to look out for you, and change yourself for the better. Encourage him when need be. Nothing can come out of pointing out eachothers flaws, and say that to him. But, make sure you don't do it yourself obviously, ha.

Best of luck, I hope you two find your way.

your advice has worked wonders so far. i told him that everyday we should tell each other something that we like about each other. the last time we got into a fight we both said that anymore we cant remember why we even like each other and why were still together.

and this has helped a lot. we have been really good the past few days. no fights at all. he seems much more excited to see me and every night before we go to bed we tell each other something about the other person that we like.

and i also admitted that my problem could be with trying to control him. in my last relationship my ex used to hit me and emotionally abuse me and was cheating on me. so i sat down and thought about it and i think maybe i put him down and make everything his fault because then i have the control. and after being abused for so long its like im going overboard. i just dont know how to find that middle ground. at least i realized it though before he just gave up and left because now that i know that im being overly controlling because of my past i am making a conscious effort and so is he. its been much better.

thank you all for posting.

Seem like a square peg in a round hole.
If no compromise can be acquired (regarding anything or everything) between the two of you then maybe you both should re-evaluate your relationship.

i dont think were THAT bad. we disagree on a lot of things but that makes for interesting conversation and long talks about issues etc...

we enjoy doing the same things for the most part. usually this is how a fight starts:

i think he is an a bad mood (or vise versa) then no matter how many times the other one says "im not in a bad mood" the first person just doesnt believe it. then it turns into well why dont you believe me and then all of a sudden stuff from 2 years ago comes up. i really dont know how we do it.

but last night we learned how easy it is to just take a deep breath and let it go. cause we were laying in bed upset about whatever and i just took a deep breath and told myself i didnt want to be mad about stupid stuff. he did the same and we were fine.

he has compromised. he went with me on monday to clean the cat cages for the humane society and said he wants to go with me to volunteer this coming sunday.

and i have compromised with him and sports. i mean, i like sports and all but he LOVES sports. so after a while it gets annoying. but instead of fighting or thinking that sports are more important i just find something else to do.

right now it sucks because were broke and have no money to go out to dinner or bowling or whatever and thats when we really connect y'know? but he has a 2nd job and is saving up money so that when we do see each other we dont just sit around the house with nothing to do.

I'm so glad you two are doing better!

& I'm sorry about your history :\ I hope you are able to find peace. I don't know if you are into this stuff, my sometimes if I'm struggling with a tramatic event that had happened to me, I read up on the Buddhist perspective. Here's a link....In the middle of this long excerpt there is a section for "Emotions Around Sexual Abuse". I don't know if it will help you, as the concept this particular article is very hard to swallow. But, sometimes it helps me.

http://buddhism.kalachakranet.org/de...oneliness.html

i used to practice buddhism but it seems like with as much as i go to school and work i have no time. that did used to help me a lot and thats why im not so angry now but i work 40+ hours a week plus go to school full time. so ive gone back to smoking but not 2 packs a day like i used to. i made my last pack last me about 2 weeks. i know its bad for me but as of right now i have no other outlet.

it was hard for me to realize that im using his emotions to control him. but when i sat down and thought about the stupid fights we get in and how all i do is put him down, i wouldnt blame him for blowing up on me.

its always harder to take a look at yourself and figure out whats wrong. yesterday i lost my keys and ended up staying on campus until almost 9 p.m. last night and he had a horrible day at work which normally would have turned into us killing each other but we didnt. which was nice.

thank you for the link. ill check it out.