First homegroup member death

A woman from my homegroup, who I've only seen sporadically, who had several relapses after a long time of sobriety, who kep trying to get sober again, died last week. She was found this weekend. She had an overdose. This is the first death I've experienced in AA. Everyone has always said, the longer I'm sober, the more deaths I'll see. Still processing. But for the grace of God go I.

I am so sorry to hear that. I am personally in both NA and AA and I do know how dark it can get. And I agree, but for the grace of God.

Ladylore

Thank you ladylore. I'm so glad I have people to reach out to online at a moments notice.

Your welcome

Ray…if we are spiritual beings having a human experience, then that woman is not gone, she has merely gone back home.

How we deport ourselves here, that is the only part of the big mystery we have any real control over at all.

Richard

((((((((rayna)))))))

Thanks everyone. I popped in a speaker cd a friend gave me from a conference she just went to. I love having speaker cds on hand; they're like instant meetings.

((((((((((((ray ray))))))))))))))

love you, jinny xoxoxoxo

i'm so sorry.........

Rayna,

I'm so sorry - watching people struggle and ultimately lose that struggle is really hard. It's a reminder of just how deadly the disease is.

--splitimage

Thank you so much everyone.

I ended up getting overwhelmed with emotion last night after a heated discussion with bf about alcoholism vs mental health. I started bawling and left to come home and call my sponsor. Basically I was feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and fear.....fear of dying a terrible alcoholic death. My sponsor pointed out to me that I am nothing like this woman who died. I don't have all the mental health issues she had, which coupled with her alcoholism, led to her death. I realized that was what my boyfriend was trying to point out to me, but didn't put it the way my sponsor did.

I just love my sponsor so much. She reminded me that its ok to have a healthy fear of drinking again, but not to be consumed by it. That gratitude was a wonderful response, gratitude that I'm alive.....

She also pointed out that not everything by boyfriend says is about me. I take things so personally when it comes to him....I'm so good about not taking things personally with other people but when it comes to him, I do. I ended up lashing out at him and running home to call my sponsor, he called his as well.

My sponsor was glad that I'm calling her more though lol. Nothing like a relationship and a sponsee and then a sudden death in the program that make me work it harder and be in contact with her more often.

Amazing all the fears that a death brings up. Amazing that this death made me look at myself and my life with a new pair of glasses. I felt stripped raw, just like I did after my first 4th step, looking at how much I've made it through without drinking, looking at the better person I've become, looking at my life and how much I love it, looking at the friends I have, looking at what I've learned about myself and realizing I still don't know much.....it was just overwhelming with a mixture of fear and gratitude. It made me hang on my seat even harder, feeling absolute fear because I LOVE my sobriety and don't want to loose it!

My sponsor said I'm doing fine. I even had inventories written out through the tears waiting for her to call me back. She told me I'm not in danger of loosing it all. But I never want to get 100% comfortable. Its when I get 100% comfortable, that I fear I'll throw it all away.

So while this death is horrible and sad, I have to look for the gratitude in it. I even shared in the meeting that this woman is still doing the 12th step.....because she's showing us where we could be in a heartbeat. I have no doubt that if I drank again, I'd either die in a car crash, or by my own hand.

And I LOVE my life and I WANT to live!!!!!!!

I failed to mention something after I said that her mental illness coupled with her alcoholism led to her death. I don't want to strike fear in those who are recovering who also suffer from mental illness. This woman had EXTREME difficulties, and she wasn't doing the work to get well. It is said that even those with extreme mental disorders can still recover, if they have the capacity to be honest with themselves. Unfortunately, this wasn't her. She had some good time in the program, and let an illness get the better of her and relapsed and then struggled to get well again.

Thats why this thing is so scary, that its so easy to go back out, but not necessarily so easy to come back and recover.

I've had a few people die in my time in recovery. Its shocking, and sad, and quite mind boggling too. So, so sad.

I have often wondered about these people, were they able to reach out for help............ all that..........it makes one question so much doesnt it?

You were so helpful to me when I first came and was freaking out about my issues. I'm a bit better these days. Will come back and share more maybe one day soon.

riverx (((((((((((rayna))))))))))))))

I just read this post which wasnt there when I wrote the other one. we must be online at the same time. I felt I had to reply to this, got me at it again....................

I think I am 'one of those unfortunates' that the book talks about, when I used to hear that I used to think, God! poor things, having that said about them! then recently, it began to dawn me , thats where I fit~! I'm one of those.!................. which since I discovered about pd, and got more and more understanding, I then, and only then had a chance to really access the programme.
I'm not saying that your woman could have been helped, ........... a 12 step programme with a specific focus on the self disorder for those who arent getting it in the already existing fellowships,............that is my dream. There may bo others like me who could make it with this extra understanding who dont make it with what is already there.

this is the fellowship I crave, I'm not through trying yet.

riverx

You have a very valid point. In fact its one I never really thought about until my boyfriend and I got into a tiff last night over the meeting. He was saying that many mental health professionals don't go to meetings because the mental health topic isn't talked about. He said its very frustrating to him, working in the field and all, and is a big advocate of SMART Recovery, which is a 12 step program that focuses on mental health as well as alcoholism and addiction. His sponsor is also in the mental health field, so we have agreed not to discuss the issue.

Digging deeper into AA's 12 traditions.....2 of them apply well to this situation. The 3rd tradition is that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Basically this means if one has an honest desire not to drink, he or she is welcome.

Tradition Ten states that AA has no opinion on outside issues, hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

The traditions were developed to protect AA from its members, really. If we didn't have tradition ten, then any average joe could give medical advice about mental illness, and that would be highly dangerous. Though we may have doctors in the rooms, they're there for their own recovery, not to dispense medical advice.

For me, Tradition Ten is why we can't discuss mental health issues. My boyfriend was upset with the meeting yesterday because no one touched on this woman's mental issues. On one hand, I can understand his frustration. On the other hand, not everyone knew she suffered from these things, and Tradition 10 keeps us from talking about it anyway.

Its because of Tradition 10, in my opinion, that other groups were started, ie Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymouse, Over Eaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, the list goes on.

Where there's a need, it seems an Anonymous group pops up. That is I think why the SMART Recovery was started. And there's also groups starting to form for the duely diagnosed, ie alcoholics/addicts with mental health related issues etc.

A group of women from my group who have chronic illness have discussed starting a 12 step group revolving around chronic illness, like I have multiple sclerosis, but I don't really talk about it directly in an AA meeting, because its an AA meeting, not an MS meeting. So we talked about starting a group, though we haven't.

The possibilities are really quite endless for the types of fellowships that could be started. Just like we joke that all you need for a new AA meeting is a coffee pot and a resentment, it seems to me that any 12 step group could be started. Just need a cheap church hall or community center room, and a few people suffering from the same thing, and bam, you got a meeting.

I don't know where this all came from or if its even relevant, but the idea struck me because my boyfriend and I were just discussing this last night, so I thought I'd shed some light on why we don't talk about things other than alcohol in an AA meeting.

We get many people though, who attend open meetings, who aren't alcoholics. They come for the fellowship and listen. They don't share since it is an AA meeting, but they're still getting the benefits of it. So anyway, I think I'm done......

Im not an alcoholic and I do sometimes go to open AA meetings and hear the recovery.

Its my understanding that AA is not just to talk about alcohol, it is also to talk about all the underlying issues. But a point comes where a new fellowship needs to be formed, which, as you say is how slaa and na etc was started. Where and why an issue changes from the character defects to be dealt with and becomes a whole new focus in itself, I'm not sure if it has been defined, but people just seem to know, and then go off and create another fellowship.
My feeling about the schizoid disorder (and the other disorders as well for that matter) is it would be appropriate and helpful to have a fellowship with this as the central focus.
My vision is that if there were a small group of us to work the steps and work in fellowship and write, it woudl be a basis. I have no idea if I can bring this about, but I am still doing the footwork and as I understand it, the results are not up to me. I feel exposed and on a limb here. But I believe my ex sponsor died of this disorder, or elements of it, as well as others who have been close to me. She had those invasive thoughts - she thought of herself doing things that disgusted her..... any way I wont tell her story here, but I know the power of fellowhship has the power to melt those walls of isolation and self hate. .......... thers more to say, maybe bit by bit I'll tell.

If thers anyone you know who may be helped by this or otherwise interested, I'm here.
I'm working on a website with onfo. In the meantime being here has helped, though, also brought up all my issues, fear of rejection, of being isolated, etc, etc.

riverX

I'm so glad you're here River!!! And I really love that you're trying to make a difference. That is a huge inspiration!

thank you!

river.

Hey, Ray...

Sorry to hear about the loss. They tell me it's a stark reminder of the nature of our disease. Doesn't make it SUKK any less. "there but for the grace of God go i?

Guess so... Whatever. Bless you during this difficult time. Someone mentioned you were trying to incorporate a 12 step chat here at PC...

You have my support. Hope to see you there!

-Breezer

Hi Rayna, I am just reading through this post. The past few days I just did not have the ability to read something about death. I am facing my fathers eventual death from alcoholism now. Also, i have lost others to the disease.

I am uplifted by your ability to turn such a tragedy into a positive--I say that with the utmost respect to the woman who died.

My brother in law was a depressed alcoholic--he shot himself a couple years ago. When I drove his daughters to the grave site from the funeral home, I kept trying to think of something to say...what kept coming to mind was the thought that he had finally found peace--I believe we will all find peace in death. He was a miserable alcoholic--life for him was torture--I believe he found peace from the alcohol and depression the only way he knew how. He had tried AA numerous times, been through several rehabs, been on medications...he had done it all, but just could never stay sober. AA talks about those who are unable to be honest with themselves and so can't get sober (something like that). Unfortunately, I think he was one of those people.

When I think of him I think of the good times we had and I thank him for showing me his path in life. I have been near suicide...after seeing the devastation his death caused, I know I would never want to put my family through that. He is a constant reminder for me to keep working in my recovery from addiction and depression--the 2 can be a deadly combination. I love Mike. He went down a dark road so that I do not have to...but for the grace of god, there go I...