[Kiya]

I finished off the rum today so now i'm out of all likable drinkables. perhaps this means i'll be dry now... otherwise i'd have to go buy more... and i would feel pretty rotten when t is seeing me for free, with me buying booze. that will have to be my motivation.

[Kiya]

Scratch that last post. I found a bunch more that had been hidden away that I have now hidden so only i have access to it. I can hear the "welcome back miss alcoholic" in my head.

[bmoz]

I am at a loss. What are you trying to communicate?

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))

Don't drink. It won't solve the problem. Toss it, give it to someone ... call someone to chat if you need a distraction.

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bmoz said:
I am at a loss. What are you trying to communicate?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

sorry - i talk in riddles often. that way i "talk" but still ppl don't know what i say. double edged sword - keeps me "safe" and yet isolated from reaching out.
means i'm still drinking. i found a bunch of bottles and took them (they were mine about 10 years ago) and hid them where i have access to them so no one else in the house knows.
this is my really poor attempt at asking for help.

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Christina86 said:
((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))

Don't drink. It won't solve the problem. Toss it, give it to someone ... call someone to chat if you need a distraction.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

but it does. it numbs so well. i know i know. i am not supposed to want that. i want to NOT want that.
at this point i have no one i can call and say "btw i'm an alcoholic". i fear rejection at the clinic and my friends wouldn't believe me or support me. i don't even believe me.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Can you open up to your MD about this?

Can you throw out the booze, so you won't have access?

You won't be judged. You will be helped.

[Kiya]

hey
the alter who drinks will not let me throw out the bottles. i did however up the rx dosage to try and curb the switching. it's past noon and we've not had a drink yet, so this is a small step.
i dunno if i can tell md. a. it depends on "who" shows up to do the talking, as well as if i get censored or not from within. but also md is trying so hard to heal me... that i feel like a total fraud and feel like saying "an alter is drinking" is but an excuse. sadly, an excuse who functions and moves on her own without me. No, i didn't just call YOU an excuse, miss host. Now i have upset the system.
I really REALLY wish i had cancelled my monday morning apnt. i just can't face going. but if i don't go i still have to pay. so i guess i'm going. this is the first ever apnt with md i have not wanted to go to - like serious wish i had cancelled. not fear, not panic, .... plain DREAD. Because i have f'ed up so badly.

[RiverX]

Hi Kiya,
I think possibly your alter would like to go to a meeting.
Less intimidating and hierarchical than the MD... what does she think?

river

[bmoz]

Kiya, would you be willing to stop drinking for ever? Permanent? Never again? Not do you think it's possible, are you willing?

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
RiverX said:
Hi Kiya,
I think possibly your alter would like to go to a meeting.
Less intimidating and hierarchical than the MD... what does she think? river

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Heh - my Dean asked me this just tonight. I told her that I (kiya) had actually driven us to a meeting. And she (the drinking alter) drove us home.

Which sort of answers your question, BMOZ, about forever giving up drinking... am I, Kiya, willing? Yes. Is the alter? No. She hasn't had this much pull around this issue in 10 years. Tonight, my Dean and I had tea while sitting at the bar of a country restaurant.... and i could feel the alter, staring up at those shining, shimmering bottles like my Labrador would at a steak. It was a tough one on her, I know. But we only had tea.

[Tracy1980]

Hi Kiya,

My name is Tracy, and I have been in recovery from alcoholism for the past eight months.

I tried following your thread to see if I can reply something, but I first wanted to clarify some things with you that I am not that sure of. When you speak of alters, etc., does this mean you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as Multiple Personality Disorder. If so, not including Kiya, who are your other selves and what are their names?

Tracy

[Kiya]

Hi tracy - yes i am DID, but i am not allowed to name the others. sometimes they name themselves in posts, but not often.
at this point i, kiya, have curbed the other alter's drinking habit by keeping the system on a higher dose of meds so that there is less energy for switching and acting out.

Best to you in your recovery!

[bmoz]

You are my first DID. A pleasure.

[Kiya]

First aquaintence with DID? I bet you'd be surprised. Hiding in plain site is a useful skill.

[Tracy1980]

Kiya,

I hope you don't mind these questions, I am just trying to get a better understanding of what it means to be DID.

I am assuming that you were born as Kiya. I am also assuming that you call all of your "other" selves as alters of Kiya, right? If so, then what do you call Kiya? The parent alter?

Thanks for any clarification.

Tracy

[Kiya]

Hi Tracy - well, I don't want the thread to get moved to the DID forum, so I am going to stay on topic by saying that for now I am "dry" again. I am on a higher dosage of meds to obtain less switching and thus not drinking or doing SI, but it is working for now and T is back tonight. I also have new strategies in place for next week when she will be goine again. So hopefully next week will also be "dry".
Thanks, Kiya

[Tracy1980]

Sounds like you are making progress. I just celebrated my 8 months of sobriety!

[SophiaG]

=) you can do it Kiya

[Kiya]

Thanks sophia (looked for your post but can't find it), congrats tracy!! that is awesome!

Yeah, stressssssssssssssssssssss... and i can feel them trying to switch, the other alter itching for a drink.... but i warned her I'd up the dose again if she keeps it up. We'll see. wish us luck!
kiya et al

[bmoz]

Kiya, I had no idea what you are struggling with. I am proud of you. Empower yourSelf

[Tracy1980]

Kiya,

Do you go to AA meetings? If so, how regularly?

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bmoz said:
Kiya, I had no idea what you are struggling with. I am proud of you. Empower yourSelf

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks!!! I appreciate that. Kiya

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Tracy1980 said:
Kiya,

Do you go to AA meetings? If so, how regularly?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Heh... i laugh because, I (kiya) drove us to one AA meeting... and the other (drinking alter) promptly drove us home. So, no I don't. But I have been dry now for 8 days!
...and rather doped up on ADs.
Kiya

[Christina86]

Being dry for 8 days is great.

(((((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))))))))))))

If you're ever needing someone to talk to, send me a PM ok?