Starting again

I haven't been around much lately. Hit kind of a low and didn't care about much. I also realized that in the weeks before I'd gotten kind of high and started to be superwoman again, thinking I could solve everyone's problems. Then I started to get condescending... I was probably being a total ***. So when I realized what was going on, that I had probably stepped on peope's toes, I stayed away. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut more.
So, I kind of screwed up. My uncle gave me three mickeys for Christmas. I decided I'd save them for New Years and give them away to friends. I was lonely during the week, there's no one here and I just sit about by my self most nights. I goofed during the week after Christmas, and drank by my self at home, and gave my self a haircut. These are the things that happen when I'm drinking, I JUST DONT CARE. Thankfully, I didn't give my self a mohawk, which had been my original intention, and the haricut is a pretty good one. I didn't tell anyone I was drinking when I did it.
Then New Years Eve. By then I had abandoned all hope, and drank all night. At the end of the night (which still felt early to me, around 5:00am), three friends had to wrestle me for the last of the alcohol, which I wanted to take home and continue drinking. My one friend's mom lives in a shelter because of alcoholism. My other friend has seen it before too. My room mate knows me better than anyone else. Oh my god, these three people holding me back, it was like a group hug only worse... prying a bottle of vodka out of my alcoholic death-grip... I was so angry, and felt so helpless. People that didn't really know me could see this happening. I felt ashamed. I tried to convince my room mate to take just one bottle so that I could "give it to my brother" (bullpuckey). He reluctantly agreed.
When I got home, after thinking the whole way about continuing the drinkfest I'd started, I asked my roomie if he wanted a night cap. "Of what?" he asked. "Vodka, of course," I said. He told me he had left it there. I didn't believe him. I searched his room. I looked through the cupboards. I was furious when I realized he was not just hiding it from me, but had actually left it at the party. It still makes me fume just thinking about it. I felt like he had betrayed me, that he had broken my trust, taken the decision out of my hands when it wasn't his to make. I would have sworn up and down that I was completely sober, and I did, actually. During our argument I could hear my self slurring, but I would have told a cop I was sober as a nun. I was so tired from arguing that I layed down in my bed while he talked to me from my chair. I closed my eyes and began spinning around and around. I didn't even realize how drunk I was until I layed down and closed my eyes, and then I just wanted to throw up. He brought me a glass of water which I drank tentatively. That's the way it always is. I'm not "drunk" until I'm passed out on the ground. He stayed in my room until I was almost out, and then he went to bed. I hope he wasn't babysitting me... I feel awful about it. I'm such a pain in the ***.
As much as I'm terribly pissed off that he did that... I know I have to thank him. I choke on that thank you, and I choke on the appology too. I can't bring my self to say it. I let him go to bed feeling guilty for making a decision that was not his to make. Or was he just humouring me because I was drunk and stubborn? I don't know.
Those three friends that wrestled me... they're the best friends I've got, and my roomie is the best of all. I love those guys.

Good job starting over! Sounds like you have some good friends who really care about you and your sobriety. I guess we all hate to admit that we can't EVER drink. Sucks, ehh? One turns into ten in no time. Poopy.

Keep posting, and keep sober. Booze is not our friend. It's our enemy - it just dresses nice and talks purdy.

Hug, emmy

Hey.. Keep those friends around!!!! Take them to a movie!!! Tell them... They are the best "dudes" around!!

A new day = a new start!!!

I am sure you can do it!!!

Kathy

Tonight I went out with my brother and a friend. We went to a local dance club, and had a really good time. I drank GINGER ALE! And I didn't even mind. I had a really good time!
I think that a lot of the problem with drinking is having access to it when I'm triggered to drink by emotional problems. Like when I drank the week after Christmas... first off, I would never have had it in the apartment if my uncle hadn't given it to me. Second, I was lonely and depressed and triggered to numb my self. I had been itching for it since I opened that present on Christmas day. I also think that part of it is anticipation. I wasn't thinking about drinking at all today, and when we decided to go out on the spur of the moment, there was no build and no trigger toward drinking. I considered it at the bar, but I knew I didn't need it. It all depends of the timing and my mood, I guess. At least I know I can go out with them when I'm feeling good and be safe! So, this was a really good night.

I find it helps if you fess up and tell as many people as you can that you quit. Like that uncle.... So that way they'll know not to give you the stuff, and they won't offer it to you at parties, etc. When I go to parties (ha!...it's been a long time!) I bring my own stuff. Either I bring the fixings for an NA punch (there are tons of recipes on the web) or I bring a bottle of Ame' Delicate White. I buy it in my health food store, but I've seen it elsewhere. It sorta fake wine, but it's not that sparkly cider sweet crud. It's "A refreshing fruit drink with natural Eastern herbal extracts". It's nice to have something to bring that comes in a wine bottle, that I can drink outta a wine glass, so I don't feel so....dorkish. Then the best part happens. Everyone else starts getting tipsy, slurring their words and acting like boneheads. That's sorta fun to watch. Then I imagine how I used to be the drunkest bonehead of them all! Ugly thought .

Anyhow....good luck. Keep up the hard work!

emmy

That's one thing I've had trouble with... telling people. A lot of people really don't understand alcoholism, or the need to put something into your body to make your self different. They only see the stigma. I've had friends not even believe me when I tell them, because all they see is the stigma and sterotype, not a person. I don't really like to talk about this stuff with my family. We've never really been the type to share. My parents have always been on a "need to know" basis, where generally unless it is imperative that they know something, I'm safer not telling them. It would feel so awkward having to tell all my relatives that I don't drink, and why. Maybe I don't have to tell them why. (?) At the same time I don't like the fact that not drinking separates me from every one. After I told my brother he stopped inviting me out. I was wondering why he stopped calling for a while. That was why. But after Friday night, maybe my social life will have a little more "life". We'll see what I can handle.
But you're right, for sure. It needs to be done.

Yes, it does totally suck to tell people. It's partially the embarassment...and partially finally admitting it "formally" to yourself! And then those people will start holding you acountable for your words too. They will know when you fall off the wagon, and know when you are maintaining your sobriety. It's a LOT easier to stay a drunk when it's your own secret, right? Yeah, I know.... Look how long I've been using PsychCentral, and I JUST started posting about this problem! So, I DO understand wanting to keep it a secret.

My friends IRL know, and with their help, I had 7 years sober. Then...oopsie...for about 2 years I've gone back and forth. Mostly sober...but there have been TOO many slips. I live alone, so it's pretty easy to hide it .... for a while. But eventually, they figure it out. So, I give. I'm sick to death of it. And I refuse to lie to my friends.

Anyhow, if you decide to tell, if really does help you stay sober. And if you decide not to, I do understand that too. Either way, take care. And stay sober today, K?

Hugs, emmy