[Christina86]

Wow. Today is January 11th. In 9 days, I'll officially be celebrating 6 months of sobriety. Not that I'm counting or anything. Okay, I'm one of those people who CANNOT for the life of me live for today, I live for the celebrations and anniversaries... it works for me. I'm a reward-driven person. Since I get a chip if I drag myself to a meeting that week, I'll be thrilled.

Now... here's the situation. I haven't been to AA since last year. I'm thinking it was November. Simply because the snow hit, the woman driving me to meetings drove me bonkers and I just did NOT want to go. I didn't have time as a student and I couldn't be bothered to hang out with a bunch of older people who assumed I'm a "raging alcoholic".

I'm not. I've just got an addictive personality, and I had inklings to abuse alcohol when I was in a bad emotional headspace. Switching addictions can do that to you... anyways, yeah. I never drank excessively or for many days in a row, but apparently if you talk too much about alcohol with uptight friends (they are on some things!) then you're labelled as having a problem.

I don't deny I have an issue with alcohol. So I stopped drinking. Fair? My friend dragged me to my first meeting. I continued to go because I actually knew someone at the meeting (yay, oddly enough).

But I just didn't see the importance of going weekly (definitely not daily) because I don't WANT a constant social group of people with the same problems as me. I'm easily triggered by discussions of stuff, so it's easier to AVOID the triggers than to try to sit through a discussion on something like that that bothers me.

Understand? People still following?

Anyways...

Which brings me to my latest dilemma.

I have almost 6 months of sobriety.

I haven't shown up for probably two months. During that time, I survived Christmas and other stressors *by myself* perfectly fine.

So... should I even be going back? Have I "outgrown" what could be useful for me? Am I even open to it being useful? I own the books, I know the steps... but organized stuff like that drives me insane.

One of the people I know (who drives me insane and probably is an alcoholic... but he's sometimes a good friend when he's not being a jerk) found out about me not attending the meetings anymore.

He seemed "concerned". Then he quite literally "pinky-sweared" (immature, yes) me to go back to the damn meetings.

And I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE TELLS ME TO. Especially since HE SHOULD BE GOING.

Irritating to see people around me who have a worse problem than me who refuse to admit their problem and won't seek help but expect me to...

I loathe that part of dealing with people. I'm a control freak, I admit it. I admit I'm codependent. I admit I'm easily affected by other peoples problems, alcoholics included.

And I feel really dumb writing this all out, so if someone has the urge to smack me upside the head - feel free to do so.

[splitimage]

Congratulations on almost hitting 6 months. That's an accomplishment.

Only you can really decide whether or not you need to go to AA meetings. I for one know I do. I use them for social support, to get out of the house when I'd otherwise be thinking about drinking and as a reminder, both of how I don't want to go back to drinking but more importantly that there are other people who are living happy and fulfilled lives without drinking.

It sucks that it's winter and transportation is difficult. Is the bus strike still on? Because it sounds to me like you could maybe benefit from finding some other meetings. I know for me, there are a ton of meetings in my local area (who knew there were this many drunks in North York) and I have a car so getting around is easy. In my first 6 - 8 months I was going to a meeting a day, and so I got to a lot of different meetings. Some of them I couldn't stand. Some were just like erm, and some I really liked. Same program, different mix of people, different emphasis on the program. I now have my favourite group of meetings that I go to weekly, plus my B list of meetings that I know I'll be comfortable at, if I start thinking screwy and need extra meetings.

I know your case is a little different from lots of people in AA. You stopped drinking before it really ruined your life. That was smart. Sounds to me like you definitely stopped before you were chemically addicted. Again smart and lucky. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive. If you are an alcoholic or have alcoholic tendencies and you start drinking again, things won't get better, you'll just drink more and more until you do start experiencing negative consequences. Is going to a meeting such a bad preventative measure? There's a saying in AA that you may or may not have heard "YET". Haven't crashed a car, yet. Haven't lost a job, yet. You get the idea. With drinking things can always get worse, by staying sober they have a chance to get better. AA can help some people in that regard.

If you do decide that you don't need to go to AA - that's ok, that's your choice. And I know people who got and stayed sober without AA. Just be sure that you understand the reasons for not going and that your brain isn't trying to rationalize away a legitimate need. We''re all great at doing that. And if you ever do decide that AA is what you need, we'll still be here and happy to see you.

--splitimage

[nowheretorun]

((Christina))) do you feel a need for greater networking in achieving your goals? let the answer be your guide to who you choose to spend your time with... i struggled with the alcoholic/not an alcoholic question for years... spent my time examining the topic of denial... looked and examined my relationships, the status of my economic situation and many other factors in assessing my need to go sober... i didnt want to fool myself and make a BIG error in evaluating my addiction status... some things Christina, i think we only get to know in time.... remember that health is the goal... find supportive and caring friends.. sometimes tho, ive needed to learn about accepting others for their faults too and we do some sort of psychological tango together as we learn... it does get lonely some days and networks can really be our asset.. i hope this helps and doesnt confuse... Congratulations on 6 Months

[Capp]

((Christina))
Kudos on nearing the 6th month...

Jme, but I never considered myself a raging alcoholic. I seldom missed work, etc.. I appeared to function well.
Appearances are deceiving...everything in my life got about one fourth of my attention. Not because I was hungover, but because I just didn't give a damn. It was hindsight showing me that I was "not all there" in many ways.

Honestly? When I found myself asking/saying these type of things I needed to look at why I was trying to give myself a reason to drink...

In no way am I implying this is what you are doing, I'm just sharing some of the things I encountered.

AA meetings may not be for everyone--but the principals are.
It's easy to incorporate them into your daily life. It released a lot of wariness and some anger in me.

I've also got an addictive personality. Drugs and alcoholic.
The old but true saying, "I know I have another drink in me. I may not have another recovery in me." This is very true of/for me.
My detox was a nightmare and I will do whatever is necessary not to repeat it.
My sobriety is something I fiercely protect. Period.

Whatever you decide, my very best wishes on coming to know the beauty and fun of being sober.
One day at a time. Oh, but I hated those words at first!
I didn't realize how much better they would make me feel.
It was not a race to solve them...

Cap

[madisgram]

what i am feeling is that you have an internal struggle in your mind about alcohol/aa. only you can decide what you are and what you must do. for me it was a difficult stuggle so i can understand some of your thoughts. i was told i was intellectualizing too much and not looking at the problem that was staring me in the face. know that this is just for me.
at first i hated meetings. i felt like it was a life long sentence of going to meetings and hearing people talk about their alcohol problems. in my case it even made me want to drink cause "they" kept talking about it.
as a result i was one of those unfortunates who took it up to the line.."jails, institutions or death". i almost died and haven't experienced the "yets" yet, thank God. so i stood at death's door and had to make a choice. i chose life. and yes, for me that included aa. over time i realized that the meetings reinforced my desire to stay sober. it gave me an opportunity to help those newcomers struggling with their alcohol problems. it gave me support when i needed it. the steps taught me a new way of living that my T said helped me more than he did. i think it's 50-50 but i do know it has changed my life immensely, jme, for the better.
whatever you decide...it's your choice. they have a saying in aa that some people have to go out and do some more "research'. i'm not advocating that but that's what i did. i was able to get the definition i needed but in the long run almost lost my life "researching".
i wish you well and hope you will keep us posted on how you doing. we do care about you.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Hi Christina!

I was kinda chuckling as I read your post, only because I think you are probably just fine not going.

I drank a LOT in my 20's, to the point of where we would go out one night, go drink at lunch and then go again to happy hour that night. We would do this several nights in a row for weeks. I started thinking I had a drinking problem, but my friends were telling me NO. I struggled with it back and forth for awhile, till I moved on in life (changed jobs, saw these people less and less) and then I just slowed down a lot and finally stopped.

From your description it sounds like I drank a LOT more over a longer period of time than you did, and I don't consider myself an alcoholic, although my older sis was and died from it . I just stopped on my own and I don't think I have had a drink for about 8 or 9 years. Prior to that I drank maybe once or twice a year after slowing down.

I think your friend that needs it is doing that to take the attention off of himself. And I am sure that they all also care very much about you.

[Christina86]

Everyone gives me so much to think about!! Thanks for everyone's responses.

Splitimage - Yeah, the bus strike is still on. Seems like it'll be on forever. I'd love to find more meetings to "expand" but it's hard when my only motivation to do that is when I can't actually GET anywhere. I mean, I take a TAXI to school and I'm not made of money.

Chemically versus psychologically addicted... I like that. I'd agree too. Maybe I'm just worried that if I start drinking again that I'll use it as a way to "escape". Wouldn't be the first time I took something "harmless" and misused it.

My brain likes to rationalize everything unfortunately. Maybe that's a good reason to continue to go. I really do want to get myself to an Al-Anon or CODA meeting just to see what it's about... but can't do that without buses! Sigh.

NWTR, didn't confuse at all! I do think having a social network of people is a good thing for me to have. I tend to isolate and I know that's not good. I'm just having a current issue where the friends that KNOW about me doing AA are all 'encouraging' me to go. Basically they seem to want to force me to go without seeing it as a choice for me - not the be all and end all solution. :S

Capp - you're right. I do sometimes give myself a "way out" or a reason to do something stupid that I'll regret. I know I'll have to think long and hard about the possible repercussions of drinking if I ever decide to start again. But for the mean time, I actually don't mind not drinking. It's a novel thing to not need to drink when other people around you are. I find it amusing (I admit it) to watch other people get intoxicated and make a fool of themselves. Maybe because when I did drink, I'm the worst lightweight and totally would do dumb things. Like falling all over my guy friends. Oopsies!

madisgram - I do intellectualize. I guess maybe I am trying to research what my options are for long-term recovery... without the alcohol, because although I miss it - I don't actually miss the effects. Just the different tastes actually, oddly enough. I'm weird like that... anyways, I'm glad I'm not at the "YET" thing because I do NOT want to go down that road. I have enough problems already to deal with, so why burden myself with a self-chosen problem?

StrawberryFieldsss - Thanks. I know that a lot of people my age drink a lot... and drink a lot more than I've ever done or will ever do. Maybe I am in a recession, where I'm choosing not to drink. I'm not going to punish myself if I do decide to drink again but for now - having the extra cash and not gaining the extra weight really does make me happy. Oh, and I'm a control freak, so having control of this really actually makes me happy.

As for my friend... I think maybe that is the case. I just wish he'd take a look at himself and his behaviours, because it worries me as his friend.

Hi Christina,

My story is very close to yours . I used alcohol to escape my emotions and it was becomming an alternative for me. I black out easily. I have all the makings of becomming one . I have always been aware and vigilant about alchohol . long story short the important thing for me was that I meet the requirement for attending AA. That be the desire to stop drinking. I have come to the realization that for me to drink is always bad news and has been .

I made a deepining commitment to myself Christmas day . I picked up a chip that marked my time . I began goig back to AA meetings in the fall of 2007 the chip marks my deeping commitment to not drink for my reasons . Im not gonna share what the time was . Sure some may question why or how .

it really doesn't matter . also there are people who pick up six month chips who had 12 years prior. I never judge a person by the time or thier chip at all. It is one day at a time for me and its one day at a time as to how I live my life how I treat another and how my emotions get dealt with. I may have abstained from alchohol . Not sure if I have abstained emotionally.

it does mark my time of working the program and I fall short of how many work it. I have made the effort. .

you do what is in your heart for what ever color it is, your gonna pick up, You make it yours . I have to say there are some poeple who had five days . and for them it was hard won. with alcohol it thankfully was not that difficult for me like it was in another areas. But the commitment to not drink in the face of everyone else will and could be difficult for me . It has in the past so I need the support to abstain . Plus its just a great program . period. great people a blessing.

Congradualtions in advance , Christina

Patricia

Originally Posted by Christina86

Wow. Not that I'm counting or anything. Okay, I'm one of those people who CANNOT for the life of me live for today, I live for the celebrations and anniversaries... it works for me. I'm a reward-driven person. Since I get a chip if I drag myself to a meeting that week, I'll be thrilled.

Now... here's the situation. I haven't been to AA since last year. I'm thinking it was November. Simply because the snow hit, the woman driving me to meetings drove me bonkers and I just did NOT want to go. I didn't have time as a student and I couldn't be bothered to hang out with a bunch of older people who assumed I'm a "raging alcoholic".

I'm not. I've just got an addictive personality, and I had inklings to abuse alcohol when I was in a bad emotional headspace. Switching addictions can do that to you... anyways, yeah. I never drank excessively or for many days in a row, but apparently if you talk too much about alcohol with uptight friends (they are on some things!) then you're labelled as having a problem.

I don't deny I have an issue with alcohol. So I stopped drinking. Fair? My friend dragged me to my first meeting. I continued to go because I actually knew someone at the meeting (yay, oddly enough).

But I just didn't see the importance of going weekly (definitely not daily) because I don't WANT a constant social group of people with the same problems as me. I'm easily triggered by discussions of stuff, so it's easier to AVOID the triggers than to try to sit through a discussion on something like that that bothers me.

Understand? People still following?

Anyways...

Which brings me to my latest dilemma.

I have almost 6 months of sobriety.

I haven't shown up for probably two months. During that time, I survived Christmas and other stressors *by myself* perfectly fine.

So... should I even be going back? Have I "outgrown" what could be useful for me? Am I even open to it being useful? I own the books, I know the steps... but organized stuff like that drives me insane.

One of the people I know (who drives me insane and probably is an alcoholic... but he's sometimes a good friend when he's not being a jerk) found out about me not attending the meetings anymore.

He seemed "concerned". Then he quite literally "pinky-sweared" (immature, yes) me to go back to the damn meetings.

And I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE TELLS ME TO. Especially since HE SHOULD BE GOING.

Irritating to see people around me who have a worse problem than me who refuse to admit their problem and won't seek help but expect me to...

I loathe that part of dealing with people. I'm a control freak, I admit it. I admit I'm codependent. I admit I'm easily affected by other peoples problems, alcoholics included.

And I feel really dumb writing this all out, so if someone has the urge to smack me upside the head - feel free to do so.

[notz]

Christina,

In the beginning I hated going to meetings. I didn't like listening to all the "losers" whine about their pitiful little lives. I used to count the bricks on the wall just to keep myself in the chair instead of charging out the door.

I absolutely detested all that idiotic hugging. It was all fake, that was my view of all displays of affection from anyone at that time. And geez, some of them were soooo stinky. Uck and gag. Freak me out, would go home and shower sometimes.

Somewhere between 90 days (my group gives this chip) and 6 months I realized I was jonesing for another chip. Why would I care if I received a chip. It mattered but I couldn't say why. I hadn't figured it out yet.

By the time I got the 9 month chip the answer was that I needed the support of these stinking losers if I was going to make it. Of course my perception had changed and I knew they were all winners. Here's what I decided and it still applies.

The odds of me drinking again are dependent upon what I chose to do. I can make choices that make the odds go up or go down, it's up to me. What do I base my choices on? Partly on fear - I don't want to return to what it was like - I don't want to lose my spouse who couldn't tolerate me drinking again. The other part is based on statistics.

I've done the research and the ones that remain sober are the ones who don't drink, go to meetings, use a sponsor and work the steps. I avocate going with the odds that favor success.

There's a lot of discovery in recovery and you're just rounding the bin. Having folks you can talk with is important to keep the odds up. The best people to have in your corner are the ones who pay the same dues as you by warming up a chair in a meeting!

There are online meetings. Not quite the same but they could suit your needs with the strike and all. Congratulations on 6 months, that's a long chunk of time. Good for you.

notz

[Capp]

Notz,
thank you for this post.
It reminds me of myself and my attitude when I was starting out...

I had an enormous ego! I kept thinking I wasn't "as bad" as these people. My first sponsors were very pointed in letting me know that was denial and was an excuse to drink...
It's not fun being stripped of these things, but it was necessary if I was to dry out then get sober.
My bottom nearly cost me my family and my career. Right then those were the two most important things to me. As I began to feel better, sobriety became #1 and it still is...

12th Step calls kept me sober...it showed me exactly what was waiting for me if I took that first drink. I will always be grateful for these fine people who let me into their lives.
Two of them are dead from drinking. One was a young mother who left 2 girls. During one of our groups for children, the oldest daughter told us to stop telling her about this disease...she wanted to learn how to live after her mother died, how was she going to make it without her.
She was 12 years old.
The mother was dead two weeks later. At her wake, the daughter sobbed and kept asking, "What am I going to do, what am I going to do..."

I don't count the days I've been sober. Staying sober today is the most important thing to me. Adding up the days was a goal for me at first...a wee bit of pride still. However it did keep me coming back.

What works for me may not work for someone else.
Jmo, but all of us have to find our own way while keeping in mind what others have learned...
We share because we care.

Peace and Power to you,
Cap

[Christina86]

Thanks everyone!

So... I remembered something today.

The meeting I go to?

Doesn't have a 6 month chip. It has a 3 month, then they make you WAIT 6 months, and then you get a 9 month chip.

Well, darn. That kinda sucks.

But I bought myself some pretty fizzy juices, in those "wine bottles" with the cap that when you open it, it's like champagne?

Yeah, I'm totally throwing myself a party in 5 days.

[madisgram]

christina there are meetings that do give out a 6moths chip. it's red. where i got sober they call it the "warning chip"- to slow down and just stay in today...which leads you to the next chip. i know this is an important day for you...and i for one think it's a great achievement...so why not call the AA hotline and find a meeting nearby where you can go and pick up your chip?
congrats to you !!! "each day is a new beginning."

[Raynaadi]

Wow never heard of not giving out a six month chip. I like AA cuz its the greatest show on earth for a buck or not even a buck haha. I loved it from the moment I stepped in. Yet for me stands for you're eligable too. I couldn't imagin e being dry and not in AA. I think I would have scratched my skin off. Just my own experience.

[splitimage]

Christina honey - you have GOT to call your local intergroup and get the names of open meetings the week of your six month anniversary. I've never heard of a group not giving out a six month chip. Go to open meetings. Go to several. Collect several. Seriously - that's what I did in my first year. Partly I was going to multiple meetings anyway, and wanted to let people in the groups know how I was doing. But I got to be honest. I'm selfish, and I'm all about the rewards. Getting applause and hugs really helped keep me going my first year.

--splitimage

[Christina86]

Alright, I'll call the intergroup. Tomorrow. Today, I can't talk too well. I'm probably sick, yay!

Stupid accessibility and bus strike and blargh.

[splitimage]

Yah, I talked to my stepmom today - she lives in Ottawa and she said the strike's still on. It's crazy, it's been like over a month now. I'm surprised the gov't hasn't been asked for back to work legislation. I know when the TTC goes on strike, the city asks the province to legislate them back to work within 48 hours. And in winter too. I really feel for you. But you should still pick up chips!

Good luck on getting around.

--splitimage