[tablarosa]

I promised myself that I would recommit myself to taking back my life.

I am a closet alcoholic. I only drink at home, usually drink alone. My family knows but they pretend nothing is wrong.

My husband and I have been running on vapors for years. I do believe he wants me to remain as I am so that I won't leave. He enables both my alcohol and food addictions. I want to leave, and I know one of the things i need to do in order to make that happen is to stop drinking.

I don't have time/money for therapy. Right now time-wise I am heavily invested in getting my son through his next round of chemo (he has leukemia and requires daily IV outpatient visits). In addition, all our funds are committed toward his medical bills.

For belief reasons, I do not think AA would help.

I am not religious and do not have a church or minister to talk with.

There is no spiritual center nearby that is in accordance with my belief system.

I am not trying to set up roadblocks here to getting better in writing the above; I am just trying to explain my situation.

I poured a fifth of scotch down the drain this morning without drinking any of it. That felt good. But the good feeling doesn't last long enough to not want to go buy more right now.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I beat this myself?

I need to clean up my life or I'm going to drown. I feel so far down the hole that I don't know where to begin to look for the ledge.

[madisgram]

you have many good reasons to stop drinking, you, your son, your family. the problem lies not in our desire to stop but the obsession that is centered around alcohol. i don't know if you're alcoholic. only u can decide that, but if you think you have a problem with alcohol, you probably do.
there are many ways a person can help themselves. not all ppl go to aa. however i do want to share with you that going to aa does not require u to have any certain belief system or religious slant. it is recommended that one not drink in order to stay sober. the support that is found in the rooms of aa i believe is the majic that helps it work successfully for many ppl, me included. i could not stop drinking on my own. no matter how hard i tried. therapy didn't work either. i needed to learn tools to assist me in staying sober. i learned i could not do this alone successfully.
these are some of the things that helped me:
take staying sober a day at a time, a minute at a time, an hour at a time...what ever is needed, timewise, to not drink.
keep booze out of your home. stay away from ppl you drank with, places u drank at. since u are a closet drinker...you may neeed to keep yourself busy in the home. clean everything and clean some more. go out more often.
find a support system so when u feel like drinking you can call on them and talk yourself "thru" the drink.
there are many triggers that lead us to a drink...stressors...upsets in the family...worries...dog dieing, dog not dieing..we use any excuse in the book to drink. you will need to watch these triggers and try to avoid them.
and so on....
for me, all these things and helpful tools i found in the rooms of aa.
not everyone here will agree with my solution. i'm just sharing you my experience,the hope, and the ability to stay sober i found by going to aa. you may find another avenue and i truly do wish you well. i hope you are able to stop if that is what u want to do. i hope u will keep us posted and know that we do care about you and that you do matter to us.

[notz]

I tried many times to stop drinking by myself. I even managed 14 months one time. I guess I needed more structure. AA is what helped me. I couldn't afford not to go. That was 1993. It has worked so far. Good luck.

[lynn P.]

Hi Tablarosa,
I would agree with everything Madisgram said and that you can't do it alone. I'm sorry for your son, you must be under extreme pressure right now. I personally don't drink for reasons that I saw my brother battle alcohol addiction all his life. Unfornately he lost his battle a year ago this April to alcohol poisoning. Please speak to the hospital where your son goes and see if they can guide you in the right direction. To me alcohol is a poison , plain and simple- I've seen the damage it can do to people and their families. You owe it to yourself and your son to get healthy, so you can live the life you were truly meant to live.

[Capp]

tablarosa, Hi!

You've taken big steps in admitting to your alcohol problem and posting here about it.
I applaud your courage and honesty...

Some good advice has been shared and I hope you found some of it useful.
My mind often goes off into left field so bear with me, ok?

Many people do have problems with the God aspect of AA. Out of this grew other groups that have had success in helping women stay sober.
I have to be honest, though. AA is the cornerstone of my sobriety. It was what I needed when I first quit; now it's what I want. Living the principals of AA have given me much peace and hope, and many, but not all, of my best buds are AA members.

At one point I used another way of staying sober as an adjunct to AA. It addressed my needs as a woman, and I found it helpful in shoring up my growing self esteem.
I do not advocate anyone doing the same thing.
I'm sharing what worked for me...
WFS, Women For Sobriety, was a good addition for me. It was not the base of my recovery, but it did help.
I'm repeating that it was an addition to AA because I do believe AA has one of the best recovery programs.
As with AA, I took what I needed and left the rest.
There are other groups you can find by using Google.

As you go along you may find that AA is a viable option for you...please don't rule it out completely.

My honest feeling is nothing else in your life is going to be halfway decent until you stop drinking. It's grand that you are aware of it and willing...willingness is absolutely necessary if you are to get sober and stay sober.

The feeling of being flattened by the booze and all the problems that come from it can be used as the first step in starting a new and better life--a sober one.
tablarosa, I've been down that hole so many times there is a corner with my name on it.

Helping hands are stretching out for your hands. You don't have to climb out of that hole by yourself.
We know how different life can be without the tremendous weight of addiction on our backs.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are...
We Care
I Care

Peace and Power,
Cap

[splitimage]

I tried to quit drinking on my own. I too was a secret closet drinker. When I finally admitted I had a problem, all my friends and co-workers were stunned. But I couldn't do it. For me it took two rehabs and ongoing support.

I do go to AA and find it tremendously helpful. I'm not at all religious, in fact I tend to be a bit anti-religion due to my childhood, so the God talk bothered me a bit at first, until I got my head around the concept of a higher power of my own understanding, I basically used the collective strength of AA members as my higher power, since they were staying sober and I wasn't.

Women for sobriety has been mentioned as an alternative to AA. I've been to a couple of their meetings and thought they were ok, but there aren't very many meetings around where I am, so AA is mainly it for me.

Another resource you might want to consider is smartrecovery.org. It's non 12 step based, and takes a very psychological approach towards dealing with addictions. They have community forums like PC does where you can post and they host on-line meetings. I know a guy from another forum, who is trying to quit drinking and he's finding them very helpful.

Remember you're not alone in this, we're all here to support you.

--splitimage

[tablarosa]

Thanks to every who took time to reply. I'm still searching but I appreciate the time people took to answer.

[Lenny]

Wishing to do things alone is part of the disease of addiction. It alienates us from the world by finding fault with all things community. It knows the power of social connections and in its desire to survive,,like in all wars,,it moves us away from any protagonist to our cause...

I learned early on in my profound state of surrender and willingness that any help was better than the help I had been giving myself...

If you remain alone in your fight,,,that aloneness will deliver you to your disease again,, and again.

BTW,,AA only suggests that you admit powerlessness and that,,in its own accord allows the power of others whether Higher or not to enter your life...

With Care,

Lenny

[Capp]

tablarosa,
just wanted to check in and see how you are doing...

Peace,
Cap