Problem with sobriety

Howdy. I'm Paige. I am a recovering heroin addict. Been clean for a year and only came close to relapse once. I am lucky.
My problem lies in now its just sobriety is a problem for me. I'll drink, or take a couple valium or smoke some pot just to not be sober.
I'm a regular pot smoker, but if I'm out of pot, I go to other things. I don't want to quit weed entirely; I love it, but I do want to cut back and I want to quit with the valium and drinking. That isn't healthy.

....so I did :]

this is mo on what you posted. i was told when i got sober from alcohol if i stopped using one drug, alcohol in my case, and substituted for another form of drug; pot, crack, valium, etc. i was not clean and sober i had just substituted from my drug of choice. imho, this is how i see your using pot, valium, etc. in order for us to be clean and sober that means we are drug free regardless of the form the drug comes in.
if we use a drug to change how we feel, or to numb how we feel, we are abusing that drug. this is just my opinion but i've seen many ppl that substituted from their drug of choice and it always led them back to their drug of choice. in your case it being heroin.

I agree with madisgram and was basically told the same thing - being clean and sober means abstaining from all mood altering substances otherwise you're just trading one addiction for another, and are at greater risk of relapse back to your original drug of choice.

I know when I first stopped drinking, I gradually started abusing my prescription Ativan, and was ultimately using it the same way I used alcohol to numb myself out so I wouldn't have to feel. With my pdoc's help I got off the Ativan too.

I know going through life without using anything is really hard, I'm just coming out of a recent relapse, so I'm painfully aware of that fact. But I have to say that despite the emotional ups and downs, and all the **** that I have to deal with now that I'm not drinking, my life is still way better than it was when I was drinking.

It's just me - but for me, being sober means not using anything to change how I feel.

---splitimage

I know how you feel. Ive been a drug addict for a long time, my drug of choice being crack. Ive never been completely sober. After crack, I went to pot and then alcohol. Now I drink beer every night and I dont know how to be sober. I dont want to be sober. Maybe I have a problem, but Im okay with it.

Reminds me of the line from the Placebo song "Nancy Boy,"
Woman, man, a modern monkey;
Just another happy junkie...

tonalized,
maybe in time you won't be all right with it...
we are always here to extend a helping hand

Just know that we care

Cap

...and now the first of the story from 3-15
zyklonP, hi and welcome!

Congratulations on the year--it's not luck, my friend. It's you doing what you needed and wanted to do. Your gratitude is obvious and that is an absolute necessity for staying clean.

I applaud your honesty about the weed, valium, and alcohol...dangerous combo no matter how you take them.
Using them, though, is akin to still being lost in the hell of addiction.

zyklonP, perhaps you have traded addictions and are now becoming aware of it. Many of us, myself included, are dual-addicted.
I stopped both at the same time, but others tackled them one at a time. Sometimes it's the only way we come to understand addiction encompasses many things.
Taking care of one opens our eyes to the others we have...

I don't know your situation/details, but maybe you could stop the Valium and alcohol first. You may have to wean if you've been consuming them for awhile and the amount has to be considered, too.
Are you in any type of recovery program?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
We Care
I Care

Cap

It would be grand if you start your own thread in the regular addictions forum. It won't get "lost" here so you'll get more replies which means more support...

I'm glad you started your own thread, thank you.
It will be easier to read your posts and the replies...and get to know you while you get to know us.

Peace,
Cap

Nope zyklonp,,it isn't.

Our choice of substances are symptoms of our problem,,they are not the problem. Like a cough is to a cold...we can take something to supress the cough...but we still have the cold..

Your title states "Problem With Sobriety"...what is the problem specifically? In one line you share about your luck with being clean from heroin and then later your love for pot....

Sobriety is not being clean from one thing and abusing another...it is sobreity,,a state of mind that allows a person the freedom to be everything they were meant to be...

I am not undercutting your sucess with staying clean from heroin...that is a difficult drug to pull from the mind and body...nor am I critical of your personal choices. This is your life Paige,,,to do with as you will...but if I may,,,the greatest enhancement in my life,,,has been the complete and utter lifting of all dependence on any mind altering substances...

I am free...simple as that...

Lenny

I do love weed. I don't think I need to be smoking every damn day like I do, though.
Hell, I love heroin. I just know for a fact that one more taste and I'd be either dead or in a complete relapse.
My problem with sobriety lies in that I ****ing hate being sober. I have an addictive personality and I feel that I'm addicted to being ****ed-up, more so than any substance (other than the heroin, of course). I feel that way because whenever I have a trigger (like last night, when my ex-girlfriend [whom I want back very badly] told me that the "other people" she wants to sleep with are men.) I go for my pipe. If I don't have anything to put in my pipe, I go for my valium. If I don't have valium, I grab a bottle of wine or a glass of hard liquor. It's mainly at night, when I have the most problem staying sober. I have trouble sleeping a lot, so the pot helps me with that at least. If I have an issue that night, then I immediately get baked. Most times when I smoke, I ride on a slight buzz.
I honestly don't mind smoking dope. I like it. I don't intend on stopping that. I intend on cutting back on the frequency I smoke.
What I want to stop is medicating my problems away with the weed and the valiums and booze.

I understand,,,I like bourbon...really like it...ah hell,,,I love it...

But it wanted to kill me...so I had to let Jack go...

Do you think your addictive personality will allow the concept of moderation to apply to anything that will help you to "cope" with things...?

Lenny

I think it's a strong possibility that I could apply moderation to the weed for sure. I don't think I'm an alcoholic or valium addict, I just don't want to use them as coping mechanisms any longer. I don't want to use pot as a coping mechanism. In the end, I need to learn to cope with things without any substances (except for god's gift of prozac) first. It's just breaking that vicious cycle that's the hard part. I can be flat broke and still find SOMETHING to **** me up.

Ok...

There is absolutely no chance of stopping anything until you want to stop...

In my life I have looked at my addictions as a train...tremendous power,,incredbile momentum and profound inertia...

To stop the train took everything I had and the support of many fine people...and a Faith,,a deep Faith...

But then came the challenge of turning it around...you ever turn a train around? Not something you do in a day...a week, a month..............
Nearly 20 years later I'm still building track but the sun is now beginning to set upon my back....

But I had to want to....

With Care,

Lenny

I know I can't stop until I want to, and it takes tremendous willpower. I want to stop.
My main problem is that I give in to temptation too easily and I have ONE person who has my back on that kind of ****, and that's my ex. She helped me stop the H. I had to get sick and have withdrawls at her apartment, because I couldn't let my family see that.
But I was looking for an online support thing since my transportation is somewhat limited until I get my car running again.

It is unlikely that you will be able to change yourself alone...

We can help but our connections to you are tenuous...

Why did she leave...your addictions?

Lenny

zyklonP...

This is only true of me, but before I got clean and sober I was trying desperately to run away from different things in my life.
It felt unbearable to face them without some kind of crutch.
Yeah, when I had a good buzz I felt better so it was real easy to deny my heartache and confusion and anger...

I was in and out of recovery programs because I did not give up all my float-in-feel-goods...alcohol, street drugs, and prescription drugs. I would give up one but use any one of the others that were available to me.
Damn near dying was my bottom.

Detox was an itch with a capital B.
It was months before I heard anything/anyone at any 12th step program--I was too busy thinking my life was more screwed up than anyone else so I had good reason to drink/use.
At some point, I began to hear things that opened my closed heart...folks were sharing about their shame and guilt and really and truly having to take it a day at a time.
I guess I was "dry" enough that I could accept that I had more in common with them than I originally thought...

I had no success in trying to do it alone. It was a major denial on my part that I needed anyone to help me.
Quite frankly, I was kidding myself...

It took several attempts and much anguish before I surrendered...
I will always been grateful for the people who welcomed me back--without judgment but with love.

Peace...inner calmness, hope, laughter, Self Love
Power...to overcome the hesitation and wee bit of fear

Cap

i am not saying that this process is easy but my life has been so enriched just by putting down mood altering substances and having a suppport system of ppl doing just what i am...staying clean and sober. my bipolar has become stabilized and it began with putting down the drugs/A. this is my experience with getting clean and sober and i hope you can glean some insight by my sharing this with you.