My Recent Bad Day

I had a bad day recently. Why, you may ask, did I not post seeking support or at least complaining at the time? The answer to that should become apparent in the telling, but briefly, when my worst times strike I withdraw deeply into myself, usually exhausted.

Summary

• Encountered upsetting Web information.
• Triggered by startling event.
• Experienced “major episode.” (A form of panic attack?)
• Slowly recovered.

Prelude

I enjoy funny, silly stories from real life. In one such collection on the Web I found several items simultaneously entertaining and disturbing. They featured school detention slips, highlighting some of the odd things for which students have been punished, such as...

• for reading
• for being more computer savvy than a teacher
• for being correct

I read, shook my head while chuckling in half-disbelief, and sank slowly into a Foul Mood.

The Trigger

A noise. It was an odd, clunky noise. Mrs. Rohag uttered some sort of distress cry. I immediately “caught her emotion” (a problematic personal trait) and went on high alert. Running into the kitchen, I saw the refrigerator door had fallen off its hinges. I composed myself enough to work with Mrs. Rohag to temporarily secure the door, but it fell off again.

That second startle served as the detonator for the main explosive.

The Event

Derealization started to set in; I felt “it” as a rushing wave. In the last seconds of semi-clarity I whipped off my glasses and roughly tossed them out of reach on a counter. I sat on a chair. The self-rage and terror closed around me.

Maybe it was twenty heavy slaps I landed on my head, maybe forty. My screaming reached a peak, fell, and rose again. I ended up on the floor beating myself with the end of my strength and screaming out the last fragments of my voice. Transition to exhaustion, withdrawal, mute silence.

The Aftermath

Time passed. Less than an hour, I think. The deep disinclination to communicate lasted into the next day, but my voice would not return for about three full days. At least I could type.

Discussion

That was what I call a “major episode.” They may occur with no apparent trigger, but usually they seize me when I confront something stressful or even merely startling. My above description is imperfect for my reality gets skewed when these things happen. Meds may have reduced their frequency, but nothing works as a better preventative than isolating myself from almost all sources of stress.

(For the record, I also experience “minor episodes” - sudden, nonviolent withdrawal events during which I become unresponsive to my environment.)

Mrs. Rohag has had a decade to get used to these uncontrolled events and is nonchalant about them. No one can stop the train once it starts rolling; she simply gets out of the way – especially as I may flail or throw something (in the above incident I backhanded a pair of inexpensive reading glasses; we later found them bent but unbroken, but coffee stains are still on the ceiling from an earlier episode).

So, what's going on in my head during the event? The doctors have ruled out any form of epilepsy, though I do suffer from overactive myoclonus. Current professional opinion holds these episodes are best explained by Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Conversely, these are my nonscientific musings: 1) I'm enraged at myself for whatever “bad” thing has occurred – I'm responsible, you see, for everything bad or inconvenient that happens, and I'm simultaneously terrified by my own rage, 2) something deep inside will not allow me to direct my anger outward, so I keep repressing it until it explodes, and I direct the force against myself.

It's going to happen again, and, thanks (?) to my meds, I don't care it's going to happen again. I have to live with this thing and just hope I don't hurt anyone else or seriously hurt myself.

The Question

Does anyone else experience anything similar? What labels have professionals placed on your “events?”

"manic"--i've seen their notes---so sorry Rohag--we have something else in common.

i do it (not very often) also--(((Rohag)))

I am sorry you have to experience this Rohag.

I love how clearly you tell your story. My therapist said she was treating me for GAD and I do have sudden difficulties but not where I am totally out of it and I can talk back to myself (when I'm telling me negative things) and, eventually, hear support from my husband, etc.

Support helps me; my husband repeating positive things and/or changing the mix; if I'm giving him a particularly hard time, he'll "quit" and refuse to interact with me further and, since I love his support, I'll work harder to "quiet down" and get a better perspective on things so he'll "come back".

Maybe you can practice recognizing the Prelude stage and shift into communications mode and establish a connection with someone you know/care about (Mrs. Rohag :-) before triggers? If you feel something about what you read, go into the kitchen and discuss it with her (and be there with her and she with you the moment the inanimate object does its thing so you can see that both of you are startled and have the "same" problem. You wouldn't be able to take all the blame for the refrigerator door breaking as you would see Mrs. Rohag open it (surely opening the door a lot partially caused it's breaking). You could "share" the blame a little and maybe that would help you not feel so bad about yourself. Recently one of the "drawers' in our refrigerator refused to stay in it's grooves and fell. My husband told me about it and I just assumed he'd broken it :-) so I went in and worked with it but I couldn't get it to work right either. Very depressing as I can usually fix anything. But then I kept working at it to see why I couldn't fix it and found that there were little, plastic, raised pieces that kept it in the drawer track and one of them was worn down (it's the drawer for my husband's hot dogs, cheese, breakfast sausage, etc. so still his fault, LOL). I couldn't stand it being broken and still in the refrigerator so I moved the vegetables from the lower vegetable bin into the refrigerator proper and put all this stuff into the vegetable bin and took the broken drawer out (and put it in the utility room).

What happened to the refrigerator door? How did it get "fixed"? I have a good sense of curiosity and imagination and try to use those to help me too. I wouldn't have "been able" to let go until I knew the problem was solved. Just this morning I told my husband he would cry, if I died first, when he used the last toilet paper on the roll and looked into the cabinet underneath and realized I had been the toilet paper fairy, making sure we always had toilet paper in reach :-)

I think you have really good self-knowledge/musings, Rohag. I would look at how you can use that to see if you can help you. You know that you won't direct your anger outward, so I would experiment, if I could, with doing a little bit more of that (since you'll shut down and "save" everything if it gets too much) and see if you can learn to yell at the inanimate objects, etc. and direct the anger at the situation/object responsible. You know how people apologize when someone else accidentally bumps into them? Why does the person who gets bumped apologize? Because it's an acknowledgement that "something" happened between two people. It's "shared". You need to share more of what's going on inside you so it can't build up so bad?

Oh, Perna! So you're the Toilet Paper Fairy! I'm so grateful for your dedicated, unfailing service -- thank you!

Recognizing the Prelude Stage: Great advice; this is something I attempt to do, and I think I may have staved off a few episodes this way. I stress "may" because so many different things can serve as stressors and, if an episode is avoided, I can't add that particular stressor (or collection of stressors) to the database of higher risk triggers.

Solving the Refrigerator Problem: Mrs. Rohag went out and purchased herself an early Mother's Day gift.

Redirecting Anger/Rage/Terror: I hang my head in shame. I feel powerless against these unseen monsters who emerge from the depths from time to time. I've been in therapy, I have a good p-doc, I've haphazardly tried to learn and apply self-analysis. Social withdrawal (plus clonazepam) has been the best preventative, however, and it's easy to withdraw when you're already depressed. Yes, I'm all too aware that's a dysfunctional response to my problem.

Why Post If I Feel Powerless:

• To learn I'm not alone -- thank you, Theodora!
• Others may have better coping strategies.
• I like eliciting interesting responses that may prove useful to me and others, like Perna's.
• I'm curious to what extent my experience really fits the GAD mold.
• Every once in a while it's nice to vent.

Thanks all!

Rohag,
I wish I had the words to make you feel better...please know that you are in my thoughts tonight and you have helped me make a little more sense of my world. Sending you very, very positive thoughts and feeling very grateful that you touched my life when your life isn't so good. You make a difference!!! Thank you for being on PC!

No matter I do not have this problem I found this thread very interesting!
Perna is very good at proposing and explaining solutions, she has mind, imagination, thoughtful attention to problem and the ones involved...

I can use her advice and adapt it for my problems too!

Thank you to you both!

I hope all is well, Rohag. May one day soon someone find an answer for your malaise.

Be well. friend.

(((((((((Rohag))))))))))))

First off I want to say, I get the chance to read over your posts here and there (I mostly hop around the PTSD, Bipolar, and Surviors forums, but I make a detuour into the depression forum from time to time) and I always enjoy your insight.

Secondly, I have experinced something like this too, I know mine comes not from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but the anxiety disorder PTSD. I let things build and then I get triggered by noise or light and fly into a rage, slightly similar to what you described (there is a hole in the wall around here somewhere from where I flew into one and punched a hole in the wall) and I seem to disconnect and withdraw for a few days afterwords and get very hypersensitive to noise, movement, and lights. (hypervigelence, goodness my spelling is awful)

For me I take note of the signs, like it builds up for a few days before I actually fly off into an explosion, my startle repsonse gets bad, I find myself getting snappy with others, and I fall into a disconnected depressive state and start isolating, I try to note those signs and communicate with someone close to me (usually my best friend, or if close to a T appointment my T) or take a walk, meditate, something that is calming and centers me.

It's not your fault bad things happen Hard to relaize sometime (I struggle with the same thing) but sometimes it's helpful to remind ourselves of that in the moment or have someone that is a support for us remember

Keep posting Rohag, I hope you find the answers you seek

Best Wishes, Peace, and Serenity
Typo

((((Rohag))))

Hi Rohag. I don't think I ever talked to you before but your signature captured my attention. Your posts, I sense you can be very silly yet get your pain, feelings, and heartache across. I want to send some hugs to you and hope you are feeling better since you posted this. Please take good care of yourself!

just my opinion - adn i have PTSD and anxiety and hyper vigilence form that and ange outbursts...i had to try and learn my triggers and either gradually introduce them a bit at a time until they lost thier power over me

or avoid them - unfortunately i am very good at avoiding them and that does not help the next time you encounter them.

Do you feel the anger rising? if so can you take yourself off and do somthing that relaxes you or alternatively beat the heck out of a pillow? or exercise ? i find the exercise one good (i go for a walk if i can ) as hitting the pilloow seems to feed my anger not settle it

wondering how yuoare doing.......

P7

Rohag I'm sorry your going through this difficult time. I can't say i experienced the same thing but i do get enraged sometimes about my life and how i got here and mad that i'm still here or something can happen, something that upsets me. I want to trash whatever room i'm in, usually the bedroom, i usually don't. I may throw an item or two or knock over a few things. If i'm mad at my bf which is most of the time, I'm ashamed to say I hit him with the pillow. I want to do more and just go crazy but i restrain myself somehow. I often think a punching bag would help me when i am enraged, i always want to punch something or just act out. I usually end up slamming around a pillow. I withdraw too, but i barely speak to people much anyway. I can't really go crazy in my house anymore because i have someone staying with me and now i am really struggling with the rage. I have never been labeled by anyone. But i do feel like i am losing it sometimes. I hope things get better for you. I know you have responded to me in the past and i appreciate it. I am sending good thoughts your way and praying for you.

Sending you big Rohag!

Rohag,

Thanks for writing about this part of me...

notz

Good Evening and a big thankyou dear 'Rohag'

Wow, that's a powerful piece of writing is it not folks? I read it, read the responses and it's all really made me think! There you go, even now, there's still something that can really make me think big time!

HUGZZ and LOVES, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thank you for sharing, please feel better soon.
Jade

((((((((( Rohag )))))))))

Dear dear Rohag. Thankyou so much for taking the time to explain very well your unwelcome malady, how awful. Whats even worse is that it appears the Dr's can't come up with a diagnosis, therefore there's no prescribed treatment. You certainly explain well, in such a way that everyone can understand, thankyou. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well Rohag, thank you for sharing, we are all in some metaphorically speaking "boat". Here we navigate our boats the best we can, different boats same river. Or you prefer that we sail in the ocean?

I am thankful for your post, and for all the answers, helps a lot.

Hi Rohag

I am sorry that this loud noise triggered this episode. Thankfully, you seem to have already recovered to some degree from it. Perhaps you might find it useful to ask yourself is there any way you could have reacted to that noise which would have avoided an episode? Or did you ever react in any way in those circumstances that avoided one? Perhaps distracting your mind and trying to focus on something else immediately you feel the onset might work. Or indeed a therapist could give you a better strategy. If you can identify one with the potential to work. Perhaps it would be useful to rehearse repeatedly in your imagination reacting in this way, in those circumstances in the hope that eventually it would become a knee-jerk reaction and so avoid episodes in the future. Take care. I hope and pray you have a really great day. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis