[Winter Moon]

Oh wow. I remember when all of this was relatively mild. I'd only freak out once in a while, a couple times a week. Now it's every single night. Sitting in the computer chair freaks me out. Sitting on the couch freaks me out. Turning my back or my side to the kitchen freaks me out. Laying down in my bed freaks me out. Turning my iPod dock on in my room without having my back pressed up against something freaks me out. And that's only the half of it. It's just getting worse even.

I don't even know if they can really be called panic attacks. They're over so quickly, but they happen so often... It isn't even rational. Nobody's going to sneak up behind me and stick a knife in my back, or in my side. I know that. I can keep thinking that. But thinking about a knife makes it even worse! Thinking about anything at all makes it worse. I know that holding onto my locket won't protect me from a knife if one does come at me. But I still grab onto it.

And now I'm clawing the hell out of my leg, cause I'm nervous, so I'm scratching.

Gah! How does anyone DEAL with this?

[CliveWild]

Hello.
Sorry you are getting such anxious feelings. I hope they go away soon. I am afraid I can't offer any help in handling it. "Something is off" is a good way of putting it. I would say the same today but it is nowhere near as bad as you are suffering. I had a long spell of general anxiety. I didn't handle it very well myself. I finally worked out it was due to an increase in meds, the very increase that was meant to help my anxiety. I have been a lot better in recent weeks since I lowered the dosage of Seroquel. Last week had been my best week in quite a while. Yesterday evening, I started to feel "a bit off". Nothing bad but just generally out of sorts. I woke up today feeling very much the same. My instinct was to go back to bed but I think I will resist the temptation.

Anxiety and mild panic can be so debilitating. It doesn't matter if it is a full blown panic attack. If "something is off" , life is a struggle. I hope you feel better soon and I wish I had some good advice. Take Care.

Clive

[Homo Sapien]

Sometimes doing something mentally and/or physically engrossing helps, like word or number games, doodling, sit ups. It's not a cure, but but if you can manage to focus enough on an activity it might take the edge off. Deep breathing & mental imaging (picturing something peaceful) are supposed to help as well, although they never have for me.

Personally, I think a lot depends on the reason your anxiety came about. If it's a security issue, changes to your environment might help; if it's a fear of being alone, talking to other people might help, if it's just your brain being screwy, medication might be the best route; etc.

I wish I could offer more advice, but if I knew how to fix it I probably wouldn't be here. lol Just try some things and you'll find which is most helpful by process of elimination. Best of wishes and keep us updated.

[Winter Moon]

Thanks. I'll have to try that. It'll be hard, since I spend the majority of my time doing something mindless (bejewled) and just... thinking. XD Maybe reading. Or writing.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Sometimes anxiety attacks hit and are over quickly...I've noticed a definite difference between them. I get very agitated and irritated with an anxiety attack and very breathless and frozen with a panic attaack...but you know your illness and how it manifests...I hope you can sort it soon so that the attacks happen less

[Winter Moon]

Hm. I'm playing this game called "word slinger". It's kind of like Scrabble, but you're dealing with whole words instead of just letters. It's great. I was starting to freak out for the night, and it stopped me. Thanks so much for the suggestion! Now I can relax somewhat when I can have access to the computer, at least.

[Homo Sapien]

Yay! I'm so glad it worked. Hopefully you can find a tactic to work when you can't use a computer. This will sound weird, but when I'm in public and start freaking out I start playing little games in my head, like naming things that start with a certain letter, naming as many countries as I can remember, counting objects of a certain color, etc. Might be worth a try.

[Winter Moon]

Huh. That sounds like it'd be worth a shot. Thanks, I'll have to try that when I'm out tomorrow. ^^ I'm just so glad that this is working!

[DavePanic]

It is great to hear that mental distractions are easing the problem for you a bit, all the best and keep up the good work.

[Winter Moon]

Oh man, I can't even believe I was doing so damn WELL last night! I started freaking out, so I found a word game to play. And I was perfectly fine. I little nervous, but not bad. And when I got off the computer to go watch Who's Line is it Anyway? I was alright. I got nervous during commercials, but I started singing a little. Remembering the lyrics to a new song.

So I was feeling alright about today. I had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach about going out into public, so it was hard to fall asleep. But I just listened closer to the songs I had playing on my iPod dock and went straight to sleep.

So my friend Alex picked up my other friend Rachel and myself, then we went and saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Oh my god... It was horrible. I was jumpy, and kept putting my back against walls. Apparently I scratch when I'm nervous, and tap my pointer fingers together while counting to 50. So my arm is all red. I was shaking halfway through the movie, and felt like I was going to be sick, and just couldn't wait until it was over. I got really nervous when Alex left to go to the bathroom during it, and I felt like I needed to drag Rachel with me to go find her and make sure she was safe. I like to keep my people together, becuase we're safer as a group.

I wasn't so bad in the car, or when we got back to my house and talked for a little bit, but it was so horrible. And I felt bad, because I didn't want them to notice how bad I was, and I wanted to be having fun. I should have been. Normally I would have. I've never done that, I've never been that bad in public. I'm still nervous as hell.

I've been in public with friends (without my parents) lots of times before, so it's not that. And I know that I can trust them, and I know that we're safe damnit! I just can't get that through my head. Oh, school is going to be unbearable when it starts back up. I know it is...

Perhaps it is time to rethink your position on receiving professional help?

[Winter Moon]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Perhaps it is time to rethink your position on receiving professional help?

Heh. Maybe I keep hoping it'll just get better, even while it's getting worse. I've noticed that when something comes along that's difficult to deal with, I try ignore it. Essays for school, my dad's drinking, my online history class... Stuff like that. :/

I dunno. I'd have to tell my mom about it. And we can't afford to go see anyone. I mean, she'd do it. But I don't want to make my mom more stressed out because of the expense. And I don't have any idea how I'd tell her anyway. "Goodnight mom. Oh, by the way, I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder. Can we call the doctor tomorrow? Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow! ^^"

Maybe if it gets much worse. I dunno. I kinda wanna wait it out, see if it'll go away on its own. I remember that I was incredibly depressed for a couple weeks. I didn't really eat, and had no interest in anything that didn't involve sleep, and felt sad (if I felt anything at all). But that stopped, for the most part, by itself. I keep thinking "maybe this will all just go away"...

Plus, what if they wanna do a blood test? Or give me a shot? My mom said she wants me to start those damned HPV shots next time I go to the doctor. I don't think I could handle a shot. I'd run screaming. I know I would.

[Homo Sapien]

Aww I'm so sorry your trip into public went so badly! I can definitely relate to ignoring problems...I still try to play down all my issues, as if it will make them go away.

I keep thinking "maybe this will all just go away"...

I'm going to be blunt. Now I'm not trying to tell you what's best for you, just give you something to consider. I had that attitude for a long time. It ended in screaming fights with my mother, psychotic episodes and eventually an anxiety attack so severe I made a trip to the ER. Trust me, that is not the way you want your family to find out about this. I'm sure your mother would be more stressed to find out she couldn't help you than she would be about tightening the budget.

If you ever do choose to let this come out and find some therapy and medication, we'll be here with you every step of the way. We can help you brainstorm how to bring it up with your mom. Just think about it and let us know what your thoughts are

[Winter Moon]

-sigh- I guess that wouldn't be good for anybody... I'm just stalling at this point, I think. Trying to rationalize not telling anybody, so that I don't have to deal with it. It'll be unpleasant. I don't know how to bring it up. I don't know how to deal with it once it's been brought up. I don't want to go near a doctor/therapist's office. I just want it to go away. XP

I can think on it. Or talk myself into it...

[smackcookies]

I know how you feel. I'm going through the same things right now. Have you tried breathing exercises or yoga?

I've heard it helps

[Homo Sapien]

Maybe you can give yourself a time limit? Allow another few weeks to hide and then bring it up with your mother?

A simple "Mom, can we talk?" can go a long way. You can start by telling her that you're stressed all the time, that you think it's gone beyond what normal anxiety should, and you'd like to get a doctor's opinion. If you see a doctor he or she can help your mom and you go over ideas and options from there on. It would definitely be an adjustment, but I know you can do it.

[Winter Moon]

Heh, breathing is part of my problem. When I start getting really worked up, the first thing that happens is that I start taking incredibly fast, shallow breaths. Except that I don't breathe in. Just out. If that makes any sense... :/ Any attempt to control it usually just makes it worse. XD Counting helps a little bit. If I do it right, I can usually do things that only make me mildly anxious. Like turning out my light, or laying down to go to sleep.

Maybe a time limit. Except that those never work because when I get all the way to the end, I add more time. XD

We're supposed to be going to our cabin in the woods this weekend. I really don't want to go, because I know I'll be really panic-y. It'll be badbadbad. But I can't stay home by myself because there's been robberies and rapes in the neighborhood recently (and because I'll be even worse here). Maybe I can tell her... soonish? I dunno. I'm pretty sure I could talk to her about it, I just really don't want to talk to my dad. Or have him around at all. I don't know why.

I'll try. I can try to tell my mom at least, and she can tell my dad maybe. Or something. I dunno. This is just so ****ed up. I used to be normal...

[Homo Sapien]

I'm sorry about the trip ahead of you. As if you need any more stress.

But I'm glad you're going to try! If you don't want your dad around, just tell your mom you'd like to talk in private. I know it must be frustrating as **** to want your previous mental state back, but you can be happy again, and in control of your emotions. It's just going to be a fight to get there.

[Perna]

There is no "normal" or right course of action. If you don't want to tell your mother yet, then I would give yourself permission to not do that. You don't have to work on/stress about telling right this minute.

A lot of one's stress and anxiety comes from worries and worrying is always about the future, which we can't know. You say it's going to be really bad at the cabin; how else can it be since you've decided that? You can't know for sure because you aren't there. But, we with anxiety don't like the unsureness more than anything else in the world so we "decide" how things are going to be and, that deciding usually locks us into more anxiety. You'll be anxious all the time at the cabin and that will reinforce how bad you feel about yourself and up it will spiral!

When you've gone to the cabin in the past, think of a time and activity there you liked? Is it nice and quiet/calm so you can read? Are there good places to walk or other kids your age that you use to play with? I like to read and so does my husband so we find bookstores or bring books and just hang out and read in neat places we find (seashores where you're allowed to drive your car on the beach (man-made spit of land) in the Gulf) and often I find a "workbook"/self help book and start a new project or journal. Maybe starting a journal of this particular anxiety experience and things you are trying to do to deal with it will help? Make this weekend at the cabin an "experiment"?

Think of things you enjoy that you find safe and relaxing (hot shower, clean sheets, camp fire (or fire in the fireplace in winter), sitting around and reading or talking to friends I know well and trust - would be mine) and figure out how to do some of those or be in those positions. You aren't going to have your "regular" walls and positions relative to the kitchen :-) or ipod docking procedures, etc. so think of yourself as being "free" of those problems this weekend. You could have a great time at the cabin. Climb a tree for me :-)

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/fin...therapy/all/1/
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipola...-see-a-doctor/
http://www.ashp.org/Import/PRACTICEA...ePrograms.aspx
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Sec...r.cfm&State=WA

[Winter Moon]

Heh, got out of that one without saying a word to my mom. I spent the night at a friend's house last night, since her mom didn't want her coming over here for the night with my parents gone. It was fantastic. Hardly any anxiety at all. A little scratching, a little counting, but nothing bad at all. It was like being a person again! Little nervous about spending the night home alone, but it's never bothered me too much in the past, and so far so good. So it'll work out hopefully.

My deadline is school. If it starts getting really out of control after I get back to school, I'll get help. -nodnod-

[Homo Sapien]

I hope you've been having more good days

School is a good deadline. Stay strong