[anjelmarie]

Decided to start new post. Not sure if i should keep posting here or put in relationships. Oh well maybe next time i'll move it. So Maybe you've read my living situation post, maybe you haven't. I guess it gets tedious after a while especially since my posts are long. Anyway I do feel like i'm going to lose my mind. I am beyond stressed, beyond angry, beyond hurt, beyond disgusted with my own self for being in this position of needing someone. I want to just pack my stuff and leave and i feel like i can't. I don't feel like i can handle financially being on my own. Even mentally i'm not sure i could do it, to be honest. I've been with my bf for so long and i have become attached and yes dependent. I hate myself because of this. He knows this too thats why he pays no attention to me when i say i'm leaving. I cannot take having someone else in the apartment with me. I know I rant and rave about this subject practically every day but i feel like its going to be my downfall, i really do. At this point i hope for my death to come so i can have peace. That is how much it is affecting me. I can't seem to get through to my bf or some friends how much this is affecting me in a negative way. I am beyond miserable. I am having panic attacks, last night i kept waking up screaming, i was dreaming i was being attacked. I don't sleep well at all. And I just really need to be alone. I am a very private person and i didn't want his family or anyone knowing i am not working and on disability. Now that his neice is here she sees me home everyday and she knows i have money because she sees me taking it out of the atm. Alot of the time I am in bed, i used to be able to stay in bed all day if i wanted to, not that its a good thing but its my home i should be able to do that if i want to. Now she is always asking me if i'm ok, am i sick. I can't do anything. I can't even be online in peace. She sits across from me talking, or looking to see what i'm doing. She'll even ask what are you looking at. What are you doing. I know she doesn't mean any harm but it is annoying. I just want to be alone. We only have one tv and one computer. She gets bored of the computer and wants to watch tv, she'll then come in the room with me, she talks while i'm trying to watch tv because she likes to talk. I don't want to talk though. This is the problem, she is a talker and i am not, i don't feel the need to talk all the time, i like quiet. Then she told me her crazy father has been calling her and texting her to come over to his house to talk to him. When he doesn't get his way he threatens people. She was staying with a family friend and he was threatening her, telling her he was going to make trouble for her. He calls child protective services and complains about whoever she is staying with. I was under the impression he wanted her here. But because she is ignoring his calls he told her he was going to call and make trouble for my bf and me . He has been calling child protective services and they have been calling here. He said he was going to have the state stop giving me money (WHAT?) Now why would he say that and what makes him think i am getting money from "the state"? She must have told someone that i don't work but i am getting money from somewhere. This is why i didn't want her or anyone in his family staying here. They are nosy and they have serious issues. Ever since i moved here to be with him it has been one problem after another with his family members. We have not been able to really be happy and have peace and a life of our own. They call constantly complaining about something and wanting him to do something, or wanting him to come over. They can't leave him alone. I can't stand it. But again this is my own fault because i knew this and i stayed and hoped i could just deal with it and that nothing really bad would happen. I thought that since nobody has moved in with us because we have such a small place, then it would never happen. I thought my bf would never allow it and that he would put me and us first. Why i would think that when he has always thought of them and their needs first all the time, is beyond me. So now his crazy brother is threatening me. Also, my bf and his other brother are trying to talk her out of moving to california with her mentor. She has no where to stay here and she is not going to give her baby up so why would they do that? I haven't been able to ask yet. I did write a really angry letter to my bf. I told him his decision has made me miserable in my own home and i don't even want to be in here, when i'm out i don't want to come home. I said now your brother is trying to make trouble for us, all this is because of your decision. And there is nothing i can do about it. You make me feel like i have no choice but to move and be alone again, and struggling. He took it with him to work but don't know if he read it. Sometimes he reads a few sentences and gets mad and stops. My feelings are not important. I hate my life, I hate my self for not being self sufficient enough to be able to just leave. I want to scream, i want to trash the entire apartment, break stuff, i'm so angry right now. I do feel like i am losing it. I worry that one day i'm going to just come out and say to her i really can't have someone living in here, can you go and stay with your other uncle, or someone else? My bf would be furious, he may stop speaking to me or who knows move out. I don't know what he would do but he would be really mad if i did that. He feels he has no choice but to let her stay. He doesn't want his family to think he is turning his back on her. I get that but at the same time, i'm suffering, i really am. Why can't he get that? Why can't anyone just get that? All of this anger and stress is going to cause me to have a heart attack or stroke or something. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Meanwhile my bf says he feels overwhelmed because i guess he feels stuck in the middle. I guess i'm supposed to be sorry. I don't think so!

[sundog]

Oh my......((((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. This situation just gets worse and worse. I am kind of at a loss for words because so many things are just wrong with what is going on right now........From what you say here your BF has no real respect or regard for your feelings. Instead he puts his family first. Even when he can see that what he believes is right for his family is literally making you ill. That is a terrible situation to be in. But you already know that

Why is his neice at home all day every day? I don't understand why she never goes out. What does your therapist say? Can s/he help you map out some options? Can s/he help you find ways to be more assertive with your BF? Do you think couples counseling would be an option?? It seems absolutely nuts that your BF is now trying to talk his neice out of moving away, which would be the obvious solution.............

I wish I had something more helpful to say. My heart really, really goes out to you ((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))) I'm hoping so much that something changes for the better very soon

[anjelmarie]

Originally Posted by sundog

Oh my......((((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry. This situation just gets worse and worse. I am kind of at a loss for words because so many things are just wrong with what is going on right now........From what you say here your BF has no real respect or regard for your feelings. Instead he puts his family first. Even when he can see that what he believes is right for his family is literally making you ill. That is a terrible situation to be in. But you already know that

Why is his neice at home all day every day? I don't understand why she never goes out. What does your therapist say? Can s/he help you map out some options? Can s/he help you find ways to be more assertive with your BF? Do you think couples counseling would be an option?? It seems absolutely nuts that your BF is now trying to talk his neice out of moving away, which would be the obvious solution.............

I wish I had something more helpful to say. My heart really, really goes out to you ((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))) I'm hoping so much that something changes for the better very soon

Sundog don't worry about not sounding helpful, there is nothing much that anyone can say at this point. Just responding and knowing that someone read my post and just wishing me well is helpful. I know I can be a bit too much. I even scare my friends away with my emails. I have too much to say and its too intense sometimes i think. I sometimes don't know what to do with myself, my thoughts and feelings just overwhelm me and i feel like i have to get them out and i never have anyone to really talk to and i feel like i can't vent to my few friends all the time because i think they get tired of it. I think now i'm doing the same thing on here. I just don't know what else to do. I appreciate you responding i really do. Anyway, my bf's neice hasn't started the ged program yet. She is supposed to start Monday I hope. Its late afternoon until evening so she'll be home some part of the day. But at least it will be a break for me. She doesn't work and has no money to go anywhere. Her stepmother and friends live in another town, she needs bus money. I've been giving her money every day this week just to go get stuff she wants from the store. She did go out yesterday and today and i gave her money for that. I'll give it to her if she needs it, she never asks to go anywhere unless she has something to do, or she usually goes to her stepmother on weekends, at least she has been. Her father told my bf that her stepmother was complaining that she has to feed her and she asks her for money so he didn't want her going there. Who knows if that is true or if that is in his crazy head. Also, my bf doesn't want me giving her money to go places unless she really needs to do something. I don't know what he is afraid of but he tries to keep her home all the time. I know she used to come home late alot when she was with her father, i guess they think she is doing something she shouldn't be, i don't know. My therapist's only option is for me to move. She knows i worry about being able to make it financially but she thinks there is always a way to make things work. Get a roomate or something. Getting a roomate to me is just as bad as living with my bf's neice. They will have their own room and all but what if they bring people over all the time. There are a lot of reasons why having a roomate scares me. What i really want i can't have and that is to be able to live in a nice apartment in a nice, safe area by myself. Be able to pay rent, have a phone a computer, pay all my necessary bills plus have a car and not have to struggle. To be honest I would still be depressed because i would miss my bf but i'd have the peace and quiet and i wouldn't have to deal with his family. Either way i wouldn't be completely happy. That is why I feel doomed no matter what i do. Plus I do have major depression. I see things negatively and that doesn't help. I hate feeling the way i do and doing the things i do. All week except Monday i was in the house in bed mostly. I could run errands, i have things to do, i need to clean, do laundry, but i have no energy or motivation. I used to be able to hide this from people now my bf's neice sees me and i'm sure is wondering what is my problem. This makes me feel worse. Anyway, I know i am very depressing and nobody knows what to do or say to me, i understand that. Like I said I appreciate any response I get I do not expect anyone to have solutions to my problems.

[sundog]

((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))) I think it's important to get this stuff out and I for one am more than happy to listen. I'm sure others are too. That's what this site is for!!!! (((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))) I do think your therapist is on to something when she encourages you to move out. But I totally understand that that would be a big, scary change. I also have a hard time with change. I think a lot of people do. It's one reason many people stay in bad situations. But I'm thinking perhaps this really is something worth exploring. Perhaps it would be possible for you to rent something like an in-law unit in someone's house. That way you could have your own private space, but it would be cheaper than renting an entire apartment on your own. I'm not sure where you live and what sort of options are available, but I hope there are some options you can explore. Another thought is that perhaps you could house-sit for someone. I have seen ads on Craigslist for house-sitters. People who are away for a long time and need someone to live in their home and take care of basic things (bringing in the mail, watering plants etc etc).

In the meantime, I'm really glad your niece will at least be at school for part of the day from next Monday.

Wishing you as much peace as possible ((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))

[anjelmarie]

Originally Posted by sundog

((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))) I think it's important to get this stuff out and I for one am more than happy to listen. I'm sure others are too. That's what this site is for!!!! (((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))) I do think your therapist is on to something when she encourages you to move out. But I totally understand that that would be a big, scary change. I also have a hard time with change. I think a lot of people do. It's one reason many people stay in bad situations. But I'm thinking perhaps this really is something worth exploring. Perhaps it would be possible for you to rent something like an in-law unit in someone's house. That way you could have your own private space, but it would be cheaper than renting an entire apartment on your own. I'm not sure where you live and what sort of options are available, but I hope there are some options you can explore. Another thought is that perhaps you could house-sit for someone. I have seen ads on Craigslist for house-sitters. People who are away for a long time and need someone to live in their home and take care of basic things (bringing in the mail, watering plants etc etc).

In the meantime, I'm really glad your niece will at least be at school for part of the day from next Monday.

Wishing you as much peace as possible ((((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))

Thanks Sundog,

I have been online for hours since i'm alone. I try to take advantage of it, however i get nothing done. I will look into house sitting, i never really thought of that. Your right change is scary. I admit i am afraid of being alone. I have been thinking of moving back to where i grew up. I dread it in a way because i feel like going back would be a failure. Things didn't work out and i'm back. None of my family even lives there anymore. I have close family friends that still live there, my mom is buried there. Its familiar, its nice. I moved to a city, i grew up in a suburb. I am more comfortable in the suburbs not to put down city's. The problem going back there is i don't want people to know whats going on with me. People are busybodies there. They will be questioning me. I feel embarrassed about my life. I never married (i won't get into why), never had kids and when i go around people i grew up with everyone has kids, most people are married or divorced. People have lives, they are living ok. I feel like i have nothing. I get on facebook and see everyone elses pictures of their families, and see people talking about what they have done or are doing and i feel bad about myself. I never post on facebook. I feel i have nothing to say. Everyone ignores me. Nobody emails me much anymore, or calls to see how i'm doing, am i even alive. I feel like my bf is all i have. I'm very down lately. Being home everyday and doing nothing is not helping. I feel like i'm not worth anything. I don't contribute to anything, i don't do anything constructive. Oh i don't want to continue on. I get tired of hearing my ownself. Thanks for responding though i do appreciate it.

[madisgram]

hi angel i'm hoping you see a therapist. this is way too much for one person to endure. i don't know your situation but could you plan a visit to see a family member? if nothing else it will break the momentum of all that's going on and/or take you out of the situation for a few. if not family, how bout a friend who lives at least a little away. i totally understand about liking quiet time etc. it keeps my bipolar quiet too.
your bf doesn't sound like he's there for you emotionally. this is not good for you. we all need to feel safe, loved and comfy in our own home. that's why i live alone with my dog. but until you decide differently with the bf situ. i'd take a trip to visit somewhere. the other thought is definitely discuss this with your T if you have one. hugs and do hope you can get some emotional relief.

[sundog]

It's definitely a hard decision (((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))) I can understand why you are reluctant to move back to your home town. You say that some close family friends still live there and I'm wondering if you are close to these people at all? If so, then that would definitely be a good reason to be near them. I'm so sorry everything is so difficult ((((((((((((anjelmarie))))))))))))))). I just keep hoping so much that things will get easier for you