[lenjan]

Can somebody, anybody out there tell me why I keep beating my head against the same damn wall and expecting something besides a bloody head? I'm frustrating the crap out of myself but I seem powerless to stop it.

My birthday is Friday. I agreed to spend the weekend in Chicago with my 3 sisters and one sis-in-law. I get along with exactly one of them. They are all much older than me and didn't want anything to do with me till I was well into adulthood (I'm turning 39), then couldn't understand why I didn't suddenly want to be their buddy after years of their treating me like crap.

I *could* have stayed in town and had a pleasant evening with close friends, people who actually care about me. Instead, I'm putting up with people who have just informed me that 1) I'm expected to bring all manner of things, because I'm the only one who's driving; 2) I took the day off Friday for nothing, because none of them are showing up till at least 4 p.m. (Chicago is a 90-minute drive for me); and 3) *I'm* the fubar one because I resent that one of them hasn't had time to shoot me a 10-second email regarding a huge life-changing event I recently experienced.

Right now I'm stressed as hell because my PTSD (gotten courtesy of a family member) is rampaging and my therapist is making me deal with it. I've never told anyone details, and I'm having panic attacks over having to do that now, even in a safe, controlled environment. And yet I'm adding MORE anxiety for myself by spending this weekend with people I don't much care about.

Can somebody please tell me why I am so freaking STUPID?! Every time I hope it will be different, and then it never is, and it just adds more fuel to the fire of my self-hatred.

[PlanningtoLive]

Candy, hi and welcome to the boards....sorry for my late welcome. We are neighbors btw, very close distance-wise.

You're not stupid, you're doing what I have done also - things for everyone else and not yourself because you think you have to. Let me emphasize, you do not have to do things for other people, unless you want to.

It is your birthday, it comes once - please take the time to enjoy what rightfully belongs to you. Yes, it will cause some issues, but that isn't anything new, right? What would be great is having "your day" be with people that genuinely care about you and enjoying yourself.

Your stress will make you sicker - no one is worth that in my opinion. For one day, do what you want........please.

Have a good birthday.

Mary Alice

[texdave]

Candybear Mary Alice is 100% right! It won't be the end of the world if you change your mind. You have the right to change your mind. You can do family relations when you get strong enough, on your terms, and that could be a long time from now. Don't be afraid of what they may say or think, it's not your truth, it's theirs. It was many years before I could truly forgive my brother and sister for the way I was treated, which was much milder than what you experienced, and they sought my forgiveness. It may seem selfish, but it is truly not because taking care of yourself means you can give more of yourself when you are able. Give yourself a break, you're only human.

[lenjan]

Thank you, Mary Alice and Dave.

Mary Alice had a good point. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and learned well the "caretaker" role. I am always putting other people before myself.

I would love to tell them all off and not go, but I'm not sure I'm capable of that. You wouldn't believe the heat I get for never going to family get-togethers. I don't go because all they do is stress me out. But every now and then I feel obligated to make an appearance. I don't have the courage yet to tell them all just to leave me alone, yet I don't have the emotional strength to handle seeing them. It sounds really easy to stand up for myself, but that's been a lifelong inability for me. Meanwhile, the anxiety gets worse and worse.

I frustrate myself because I wonder when I am ever going to learn to get beyond this. I'm on my 6th year in therapy and it's still an issue. I feel like the world's dumbest person ever.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

[(JD)]

Just say no. You are allowed to change your mind... they can get together and have a good time anyway. Give yourself permission to do what seems right for you... forcing yourself into this situation might be too big a step at this time.

You have permission to change your answer, and tell them not this weekend.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[Butterfly_Faerie]

Agrees with skybark on this one

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm not advocating the "tell them off" approach. I just want you to take the time, esp. that time, for yourself. There are 364 other days in the year to put up with them.

I understand perfectly the roles you get cast into and the amount of stress that occurs when you try to step out of the mold.

You are not dumb, simply too nice to people that don't appreciate it - they just use it. Please realize that you have value, you mean something - as a human being, as someone who has a right to decide things for themselves.

One day...........come on, I know you can do it. Just a few hours on one day. Don't let them stop you once. Then congratulate yourself on your accomplishment, slide back into the mold for awhile to recover, then work on things a little more.

I'm rooting for you, and the time for yourself.

Mary Alice

[lenjan]

Thanks to everyone who's answered.

It's getting closer, and I'm getting more stressed. I have that "maybe just this once" syndrome in a bad bad way. I have an Eeyore coffee mug that says "pessimistically optimistic" -- I think that's what I am. Beating my head against the same damn wall and expecting different results, "just this once." "Maybe it'll be different this time," I tell myself. Then it isn't, and then I get angry with myself.

I dunno. I have to go back to work tonight, but will call the one sister I can tolerate when I get home and see if she'll be irritated if I don't go. She's good at explaining to the rest of them what's up with me. Not only can I really no longer afford it, my PTSD is on the rampage and it's all I can do not to cut (I also struggle with self-injury). On the surface, it doesn't seem reasonable for me to go.

But maybe....just this once.....

Ah, hell.

Next year is a milestone birthday for me and I intend to spend it in my own city surrounded by people who love me!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers