FREAKING FREAKING OUT, need consolation STAT!!!!

There may be triggers in here, i'm sorry. But i am currently FREAKING FREAKING FREAKING OUT HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just over a month ago i od'd on a lot of my psychiatric meds. I don't remember a lot of what happened once i got in the ambulance as i was in and out of conciousness. But i do remember someone in the hospital saying i may have damaged my heart.

Okay, so i'm taking epival, and one of the things to watch for is liver function. I've been on epival for several months and everytime they check it, my ALT is slightly elevated (like 62ish when 1-40 is 'normal') and my platelets are a little bit low, but range btwn 144-148, when 150-450 is normal. Well they want to increase my epival to 750mg, so last week they sent me for an up to date baseline to measure from there. Last month my liver was functioning in the range i just mentioned. TODAY when i go in they tell me my ALT is 258!!!! (platelets 135)... never ever in all these months has it gone above 62.

STUPID me, googles ALT on wiki just trying to get info, i was a little concened but mostly wanted to know what side effects may be serious enough to go in, as they've decided to increase the epival anyway. Then it mentions that increased ALT can be a sign of heart failure!!!!

OMG NOW i am FREAKING OUT!!! And in the middle of freaking out, i decide to take my blood pressure and it's 106/64. WHAT?!?! At least the top number should be elevated during a panic attack! So i'm thinking what, is my heart not working properly enough to even raise my bp?!?!?1?1

Yeah. PANIC. i want to cry. Yes, it was my fault for od'ing in the first place but OMG. I called the nurse at my doc's office and she got me in for tomorrow afternoon and they'll look at heart function testing.

Please, soemone talk me down! I'm so scared. I don't even know what to think!!! AND i have court tomorrow morning over my children. What a freaking time for this! ...

Thanks for listening. I need to calm down. Advice?!

(((((((((onmyway)))))))))))))))) I can so relate to googling health conditions and getting myself into a terrible panic. I do this a lot too. I'm really sorry you've had this scare

I'm wondering what they said to you at the hospital when they gave you your ALT results?? I'm thinking if they were concerned about heart failure - or anything - they would have kept you in??? Who gave you the results? Was it your doctor? If not, can you call your doctor to discuss your concerns??? I would do this right away if possible. And hopefully he/she can put your mind at rest. Also, did you increase the Epival already? Perhaps that is responsible for the spike in your ALT levels?? Again, I would definitely call my doc about this.

It sounds like you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but perhaps you can talk to the doc on the phone today first?? I would try and push for that.

Re the blood pressure, I have worried about the exact same thing. My blood pressure is on the low side, and so is my heart rate. Even when I'm having a panic attack, my blood pressure stays pretty low and my heart rate doesn't go up into anything like the ranges that some people talk about. Yet I feel like I'm about to die! I have also worried that I'm about to die because my heart is not beating fast enough. That's one reason why I don't take sedatives. Because they slow your heart rate, and my heart rate is already on the slow side. It makes no sense to me since everything you read about anxiety and panic attacks talks about increased blood pressure and increased heart rate. So I can definitely relate to your fears here. However, I've had my heart checked out and I've been told it's working fine. And yours might well be too. It's definitely good good you're getting your heart checked out tomorrow, to be on the safe side.

I really feel for you and I hope you can talk to your doctor very soon. Let us know!!

Thank you sundog.

The order went like this:

Feb 20 - overdose. It was during this time that i was barely concious but heard someone (a doctor, i presume) tell me 'you may have damaged your heart, your ecg is abnormal). This was in emergency department. I was then admitted to psych ward (well, once i was stabilized and they did only knows what before hand) i did confirm a few days later with the psychiatrist that this is indeed a possiblity and i didn't just imagine someone saying that. They said yes. Being a psych ward, though, they are not a medical ward, so basically told to follow up with GP on discharge.

Last week, epival stayed at same dose as it's been for months, the increase was supposed to happen TODAY, so they sent me last week for b/w for a recent baseline of liver function to compare to impending increase. Still have not taken 750mg, though i do have rx for it. It was at today's apt that they said, 'ummmm... we're pretty concerned about your labs...' but they figured it was epival related.

Then i get home and decide to look up 'serious' symptoms of liver malfunction as i forgot to ask. Came across the heart failure thing and voila! PANIC!

Then took bp in midst of panic, just to see. I have, btw, had my bp taken in a dr office DURING an attack and it was 192/107, my heartrate was 130-140 (can't remember exactly) Today, like i said, nada. Even my heartrate was normal.

Another reason i am worried (NOW anyway!) about the heart thing is because i WAS on 750mg epival for 2 months in the hospital and my liver enzymes still never went above 62ish! And suddenly, a month after the 'you may have damaged your heart' thing, on only 500, it multiplies by 5-6X above normal?!?! EEK!

Tomorrow can't come soon enough!

It was a good idea to call your doctor and get in for tomorrow afternoon. It's good that you are taking care of yourself.

Do you think you are prone to panic right now because you have court tomorrow and you are stressed? Are you worried about that, and would it help to talk that out?

Are you still panicking now? Does being distracted help? Can you pop in a movie? I'm so sorry you're feeling so upset. I wish I had better advice. Please let us know how things go for you.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to help when you were going through that but I'm wondering how you're doing now?

I hope you're ok, I'll be thinking of you and sending you calming hugs ((((onmyway))))

Cyran0

((((onmyway))))

try to take a few slow, deep breaths......

.......................................................

r-e-l-a-x..............r-e-l-a-x.................

Your doctor will make things more clear for you. Be sure to either 1. Write things down that you want the doctor to clear up & what the doctor says OR 2. Bring a friend or someone to help as an extra pair of ears through your doctor visit AND 3. You can record the visit audio and/or videocam so things are cleared up.

Personally, I have a hard time with recall. So, I bring someone to help me through doctor visits. Not every doctor I see ~ just my epileptologist ~ the one treating my seizure disorder. I also write my Q's and points down to refer to during appointments. I have also recently begun writing a daily journal of symptoms, so they can be properly tracked. rather than me simply trying to recall (never good for me!)

Gentle hugs to you ~ I hope that you get your Q's answered completely, and are able to record them somehow. Write, audio, or video recording are all my personal recommendations. Simply bringing someone to listen doesn't always help. As you both may interpret the appointment differently.

Thinking gentle thoughts...take care!

Sorry you're struggling, onmyway. I was used to this kind of googling as well. You're in my thoughts. Take care! We're here for you.

Thank you everyone.

Orange Moira, i am calmer now, but more depressed than anxious. I took a 2 hr nap and so the immediate panic is gone but just sad, i think. And scared. Yes i am/was anxious about court but strangely not all that much. I've gotten myself to a place where it's only mild anxiety where that is concerned. It should be pretty straight forward, barring any last minute surprises.

Thank you CyranO. Here i've been so proud of how well i've been managing my anxiety, and then BAM! this hits and i'm scared. IF it were only the liver, i wouldn't even be that worried, as theoretically, quit the medication, damage is reversed. It's the heart thing that scares the crap out of me.

Thank you Shezbut, writing is definitely my mode of choice for apts, i think i will do that, although i may just bring someone tomorrow anyway because i'm scared! lol

It truly doesn't help that for the last several weeks i am so very incredibly tired and sleep. A lot. Or that my fingers/toes turn blue. Or that sometimes i see blue/gray around my lips/sides of my nose. The tiredness i've been trying to figure out but always attribute it to stress or whatever, although normally i'm not THIS tired no matter how stressed i am. The blue/gray i've definitely pondered, wondering 'heart?' but then think, okay, maybe i'm cold (i've been FREEEEZZZINNNNGGGGG cold lately) or just imagining things. Except that now, i just talked to my x and asked him if he's noticed the blue on my nose/lips he said not my lips but definitely the nose. So i know now i'm not imagining it. I asked him WHY didn't you mention it? He said i don't know, i thought maybe you were just tired or something. ACK!

Wish me luck. I probably won't have answers tomorrow, but my fingers are crossed that my dr is willing to run all the necessary tests to rule out any heart issues!

And thanks again for the support!

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better, onmyway. I know that "meltdown" state of severe anxiety. I hope that you get answers very soon, and that it's good news.

onmyway, I know this is terrifying. I also know the depression that comes with it. Sometimes, if you're able, a good solid cry can make the depression a little easier.

Tomorrow is a big day for you on a couple fronts and as you go through it just remember, all of us are out here thinking of you and we'll be waiting to help you through regardless of the outcome.

(((onmyway)))

Cyran0

Thank you CyranO. That is reassuring to know, i feel so alone.. not to mention STUPID for od'ing in the first place.. i'm not even sure i have a 'right' to complain as this is self imposed to begin with .

I probably will cry. After the panic subsided, i've been on the verge of tears ever since (barring my 2hr nap, of course). Right now i'm just going to take my meds and go to bed as morning is coming and court comes with that, so i at least need to be rested for the day to come.

This sucks.

((((((((onmyway))))))))) I'm so glad you were able to take a nap and that the acute anxiety at least has subsided. I am so sorry you're going through this stress. You have EVERY right to be scared and upset about this. I hope you're able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow comes quickly for you. I'm keeping everything crossed for you. GOOD LUCK!!!

Onmyway, I hope court went well. I am thinking of you and your doctor visit today! Hugs.

Hi onmyway, it is so nice to see how much you are being comforted. So many caring comments here. Just these kind thoughts and caring thoughts here should be so soothing.

There are some very good ideas about writing your questions and concerns down so that when you are with the doctor you will remember to ask. You can check them off as you get your answers.

I do like the idea of calling your doctor today so he can calm you down and answer some questions. Feeling cold can come from stress also. You might want to get into bed and get the hair dryer and blow the warm air on your arms and legs and face.
It can help you feel warm and the heat is also a good way to relax the body. The heat can also warm up your limbs and help promote blood flow.

I know it works for me, I now have a ritual with the hair dryer before I nap or sleep at night and I can feel myself relaxing enough to rest. Try it see if it helps.

My prayers and thoughts will be with you.

Thank you everyone for your support. I cannot believe how incredibly BAD today was, all round. I not only do not have the mental/physical energy to explain it at this time, i have a raging headache and no tylenol, so i'll bbl to vent about so many things that were not good. I'm angry, sad, depressed, hopeless, headachy, scared.. i wish there was an 'undo' button for days like today.

I've been thinking about you (((((((((onmyway)))))))))))) Really sorry you're feeling bad. I definitely know what you mean about not having the energy to explain it. I hope there's a way for you to take care of yourself this evening, and distract yourself from the worst of the pain. We'll all be here waiting to hear from you when you get a chance. But no rush or pressure! Sending you good vibes

Pretty much what sundog said, we're here when you're ready and need to vent. Until then, you don't owe anyone anything.

It sounds like the worst day ever but you're still standing. You made it. I hope you find a way to unwind and feel better.

(((onmyway)))

Cyran0

(((((Onmyway)))))

You guys are AWESOME!!! I am getting ready to leave soon, so there's no time to type it out as, i apologize in advance, it'll probably be long, but suffice to say today i am not feeling great, but better than yesterday. I allowed myself to sleep in this morning because normally i get up quite early and i was just so worn out from yesterday i figured i could use some extra sleep. I appreciate you guys being there, it really helps, and just wanted to say THANK YOU!

Really glad you allowed yourself to sleep in this morning and that you're feeling better than yesterday. Sending love and hugs

Ditto. Sending good vibes and hugs for you, onmyway.

((((onmyway))))

Okay well here's what happened. First of all, i did not sleep well AT ALL the night before, so that didn't help matters.

First of all i didn't sleep well last night because of worry about today.
Then i find out that the step-mil, the one whom i thought was safe and not screwing me around, after talking to MIL and x, realize she's telling one person X while another person Y and another person Z, depending on who she's talking to. For example, she promised she wouldn't tell MIL about my being hospitalized last month. I already knew she broke that promise which already had me peeved. But she said she didn't really tell her WHY just that i had a setback. Uh-huh. MIL asks me today if i've been hearing things etc, cuz she heard through the 'grape vine' that i had been hallucinating. She knew the whole story. That is just one example, there are others. So i am left -yet AGAIN- with broken trust of those whom i THOUGHT i could trust.

Court was at 9:30. We hit lunchtime, and then were told to come back at 2. At 3 i had to leave for my dr apt so i waited ALL DAY in court to not even get to be there when it was done.

Get to dr. My dr office is a teaching office, so you usually see a resident, then they confer with the dr, then meet with you together. I got the ONE resident that i have NEVER EVER been able to stand. Great. By this point i have a raging headache already and when i saw him come in i though oh crap. He asks why i'm there. I tell him after looking up liver symptoms to look out for i found out increased ALT can be a sign of heart damage, and the fact that they told me last month i may have damaged my heart, and with the cyanoisis and other symptoms now i'm freaing out and want further testing on my heart. He starts going on about how my liver enzymes aren't THAT high, and he can check for further liver damage if i want.. i'm like no, i'm not worried about my liver, i'm worried about my heart. Around and around we go, him keep offering 'advice' and 'testing' for my LIVER, and me telling him it's my HEART i'm worried about.
So. He prints out the ecg from the hospital and says, 'oh yes, it shows a prolonged QT, which can cause sudden cardiac death.' He asks if i have a family history of heart issues, i said yes almost every single one of my moms 12 siblings, including my mom's sister who died suddenly at age 20 from... sudden cardiac arrest. He then proceeds to tell me about liver testing etc.
Yesss, i am serious. I am fuming mad by this point. I reiterated, and yes, was pissy, said, 'you are not listening, i am NOT worried about my LIVER.' he said, *ahem* 'well, you must not have explained it very well, try explaining it better so i can understand your concerns, because i am willing to run more liver tests.'


I said HEART HEART HEART!!!! I said, look, i have an extreme anxiety disorder, and i am telling you right now, PARTICULARLY now that you just casually throw out there that 'oh yeah, your ecg shows something that can result in sudden death', that i will freak out until i get testing to reassure me that i'm not going to fall over and have a heart attack!!!! Ugh. HOW is that not clear?!
He says, no kidding, 'no, not heart attack, that's when the blah blah blah happens. What shows on your ecg is known to simply and suddenly cause your heart to stop beating altogether and you just die within minutes. But your heart is fine now. Now if you want liver testing...

I said you know what? i'm fine. Seirously, fine. He said well do you have any more questions? um, NO. You sure? yes, i'm sure. Absolutely NO more questions for you. He said, okay i'll be right back, i'll go get the doctor..
I walked out before the dr came back. I simply could not face that stupid f#$%ing idiot for one more second. How he so nonchalantly throws out the 'yep, this is a condition that can kill you any second without warning' thing, then suddenly decides (maybe he's a human xray machine? superpowers to see inside ones body with his eyes?) my heart is 'now fine' ???? .. to someone who has a severe anxiety disorder.
Yeah, Thanks.

WTF?????????!!!! Seriously, this is unbelievable!! (((((((onmyway))))))) I am at a loss for words here. I just can't get my head around that resident.........I'm SO sorry you had to endure that. It's beyond mind-boggling. Can you call your doctor's office again and insist on seeing someone else?? You deserve better than this!!!!!!!!!! It sucks that, at a time when we're already feeling ill, scared out of our wits and desperately in need of competent and caring medical support, we then have to jump through hoops to get it. I really wonder why some people go into the medical profession at all when they clearly have no clue how to treat the person behind the symptoms (and, in this case, don't even treat the right symptoms).

((((((((((onmyway)))))))))))))))). I am beyond sorry that this happened. But please make another appointment and try and insist on seeing someone else, preferably your actual doctor. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. SO very sorry this happened

onmyway, what can I say? What a moron. I hope you can reschedule with someone else as you do deserve peace of mind.

As for the court stuff I had a little trouble following it but I'm sorry that didn't go great for you either.

(((onmyway)))

Cyran0