[introvertguy]

Where to begin? I'm a 33 year old heterosexual male with generalized social phobia and a bit of depression as a result. I've been this way since 6th grade I guess. I'm on 20mg of Citalopram daily and not in therapy. I think I might need a higher dose and I'm definitely going to look for an affordable therapist. I recently realized I'm pretty Introverted, I've always been a reserved personality and never cared for stereotypical male bs. I hate stereotypes in general and try to respect everyone. My problem isn't that I don't get small talk and sarcasm etc. My problem is I can't stop worrying what people think of me and I'm intimidated by most people. I'm a sensitive guy, not into sports, I like video games and am getting into reading and I am passionate about indie music such as Radiohead, Sight Ros, Jonsi, Grizzly Bear, Department of Eagles, the Shins, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Deerhunter, Atlas Sound, the Smiths, the Cure, the Decemberists, Iron & Wine, Sufjan Stevens and I also like the Beatles and Bob Dylan and jazz and classical music. Anyway... I've never considered myself a prude but I've always found most people to be rude, crass and lacking class and morals (I believe there is a god but I'm not "churchy" or tell people how to live their lives.) Because I'm hyper-sensitive I worry that the world is full of these "toxic" people and that good people are a dying breed. I view these people as most likely to judge me because they are harsh and disrespectful or don't care about the sympathies of others. I'm afraid of people not like me, I find shy people easy to talk to, non threatening, nice. I worry people will think I'm a nerd or loser even though my family and close friends think I'm normal and fine and that it's just the phobia talking. They find it odd at my age that "I worry about what teenagers and kids worry about." My friend says his anxiety centers around adult concerns like diseases and debt etc... Basically they try to cheer me up by telling me we're all at the age in which "cliques" don't matter, don't hold weight and don't exist. I haven't had a girlfriend since 19 and keep non close friends at barely acquaintance levels. I've lost too many good years. None of the self help covers specifically how I feel. Nothing covers feeling like an outsider from a clinical perspective. Everything written online and in books sounds like it's geared towards mainstream personalities that like parties, bad trends etc... People want to just integrate, not anything about building confidence in your individualality. My problem is I am not interested in what I perceive to be superficial and cultural bs, but have social phobia related to what people think of me for being disinterested in what some deem social "norms." There have been very rare moments I've given people a chance. My ultimate goal has been to love who I am and I've had glimmers of what that's like. In those moments the anxiety isn't existent. I just don't think this will ever go away.

[Denver Dave]

[My problem is I can't stop worrying what people think of me and I'm intimidated by most people.]

That's a sure indication of low self-esteem. I used to be the same way. I used to think that everybody in the world was better than me. Even though I'd been to college and earned a good living, I was intimidated by the greasy kid working at the gas station. I felt unworthy of anyone's love. I felt like I was unlovable. And that's a tough way to go through life.

There are ways to change that way of looking at yourself.

Acceptance is the most important. You need to accept the way you are -- to provide yourself with that unconditional love you may be otherwise lacking.

You also need self-respect. What you think of yourself is most important -- not what others think of you, and that means living a life of integrity. It's not just doing what's right; it's behaving in a dignified way in all social situations and expecting to be treated with respect.

This is your life. Do not accept a bit part in your own life. Play the leading role. You are not here on earth to live up to someone else's expectations.

[introvertguy]

Thanks. I've felt the same way. Just yesterday I felt awkward around the fast food guy who took my order and I'm a college grad too. Just to be clear, I mean no offense to them. I should be grateful, happy I'm not flipping burgers. I don't know how to build self esteem though.

[Denver Dave]

Originally Posted by introvertguy

I don't know how to build self esteem though.

Have you read Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem? That book helped me a lot.

[sundog]

Hi introvertguy. Welcome! It's great you're planning on working with a therapist. That can be very helpful. And hopefully you'll find a T who can teach you some practical skills to manage your anxious thoughts. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is effective for lots of people with Anxiety Disorders.

It's really good you're reaching out here for support too. This is a very friendly community and I have found it super helpful to share experiences with others who understand how I feel. I hope you find it helpful too!

[introvertguy]

Thanks everyone. Again I want to clarify I was only using the fast food reference to point out I could be in a situation a lot worse and these people feel better than I do. I am in a bad situation right now though. Probably as a result of my depression and low self esteem (both a result of my social phobia.) I have a degree in graphic design after finally deciding on that career path and facing anxiety. It's been 2 years since and I'm afraid of finding work in design, a lot of anxiety surrounding this. I've never had a real career, I am still in retail and as a result of debts I moved in with my parents. I am depressed about not being financially stable. I feel like a failure. On the plus side I love being with my very supportive parents because they understand what I'm going through and I don't feel lonely. My close friends live out of town and I can't see them as often as I like. This is good being with my parents. It's the wake up call I've needed, I've put off help for too long.

If anybody wants to see my graphic design portfolio, to offer words of encouragement etc... go to jasonawindsor.com

[introvertguy]

Oh, my website portfolio... I'm working on a better version. I barely touch it though because I'm anxious about how much is riding on getting a better paying job.

[Cyran0]

Hi introvertguy. I don't have social anxiety or social phobias but I have massive generalized anxiety issues and also suffer from depression so I can relate to what you're feeling if not the cause.

In some respects I really relate to you. I was a social outcast and ultimately the victim of violent bullying as a kid which ultimately led me to reject social norms and the mainstream. I really related to punk music and formed a punk band of my own. As I pursued the arts I grew and formed a band that I suppose you could say was Devo-esque. I continued to explore and assess my artistic aptitudes and in the end I found my writing skills and media prowess made me an excellent filmmaker. It took years but I currently work as a TV producer and write/direct most of my productions.

I share all of that because I did that while dealing with anxiety and depression. I go to work everyday dealing with these issues. The only reason it's worked is that I've gone into therapy and worked with psychiatrists numerous times over the years while also reaching out in places like PC. I can't say what will work for you but for me my talents would have been wasted without getting help so I'm glad you're making that leap. I really hope it works for you and that you'll let us know how you're doing. This can be a great place for support from all kinds of good people.

btw, I took a look at your portfolio and I see talent there (I work with graphic designers and animators five days a week). Graphic design is an insanely competitive field but you're off to a great start so I hope you keep going.

I hope you get some relief and I'm glad you have such great parents.

Cyran0

[sundog]

Very cool portfolio, Jason! You're really talented. I really like your drawings and I'd love to have some of those web design skills you have listed on your resume under my belt! Great job!!

[introvertguy]

I've been avoiding working on art. All this talk of how competitive it is to get work, worried about job security and wondering if I should have went to school for something safe that pays... I'm in so much debt, I don't know if I should go back to school, I can't afford it... I feel better not making art, the anxiety, the pressure is insane. I'm sooo screwed! My life is in ruins.

[OrangeMoira]

Hi, introvert guy. Welcome to PC. I fight social phobia, too. It makes it tough to keep working toward the things that are important to you, like making art.

You say that a lot of self help material doesn't cover exactly what you feel; I'm sure that's true. But self esteem books will help you strengthen one aspect of your personality, and there are great books about social phobia and anxiety. I am an introvert and I can definitely cherry-pick the relevant material from those books. I've also found CBT techniques and therapy to be helpful in a short time.

Sometimes there are other issues lurking behind the social phobia. It's great that you're looking for a therapist. They'll be able to point you to resources and will help you to work through any underlying issues.

You can definitely better who YOU are without following the crowd. Even though it's hard for you right now, it sounds like you're on the right track.

[Denver Dave]

[I'm in so much debt, I don't know if I should go back to school, I can't afford it... I feel better not making art, the anxiety, the pressure is insane. I'm sooo screwed! My life is in ruins.]

Being in debt is the American way. Our country is over 14 trillion dollars in debt. Soon we're going to see massive inflation, which is good for people in debt because it reduces the real value of what you owe. So that's something to look forward to.

Worrying does little to no good. Sure, we need to be concerned about the problems in our lives and get on a path to solve those problems, but worrying just makes things worse.

Live in the present. Practice mindfulness and maybe try meditation. It's not easy, but it will improve your life.

[introvertguy]

Originally Posted by Denver Dave

Have you read Nathaniel Branden's The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem? That book helped me a lot.

I'll look into it, thank you.

[introvertguy]

Worrying about the graphic design path is the most terrifying thing to me. Should I throw it all away? I've never been suicidal but I can understand the most hopeless abysmal feelings they must feel. Again, I do not feel suicidal, don't worry, it solves nothing, but for the first time I see why people do it. I don't condone it!

[lachrymose]

I totally feel where you are coming from. I am constantly questioning my self worth. I am always feeling like I don't measure up and I'm worth less than other people. I'm always worrying about what other people think.

I'm in the arts as well...I wonder if some of the vulnerability we need to create gets in our way sometimes?

I'm gonna check out that book too. Sounds interesting.

I'm hoping we can all find 'it'..ya know that thing that eludes us that would complete us....

[Cyran0]

introvertguy, keep in mind you don't have to decide everything about your life right now. Maybe you're a graphic designer, maybe you'll be something else, who knows? But if the idea of pursuing it is too much right now, don't pursue it. Let it rest. Take care of yourself now. Your future will be there when you're ready for it.

Cyran0

[introvertguy]

I know graphic design can wait if it has to but I'm not getting any younger and the longer I put it off the more I'll suffer for it. My student loans are on forbearance only until December and I need more money than my part time minimum wage Macy's job to make it out of my credit card debts and loans. Because I'm socially phobic I don't feel comfortable in some work environments, I like Macy's because it's sorta classy retail and I don't have to be around stereotypical male bs. I hate that tough guy bs. People should be human beings with emotions etc.

I mentioned earlier I worry people will think I'm a nerd or something. I like the Harry Potter flicks for example. Now I also mentioned everybody who knows me doesn't think I'm a nerd and that adults don't believe such stereotypes. So my sister said she and her husband tried to buy the new Harry Potter movie at Target. They had zero copies in stock. She said, "See? Why do you feel like a loser? Everybody likes Harry Potter. We couldn't find it anywhere the day the movie came out! Why do you think there's something wrong with you?"

[Cyran0]

Well, I've worked in a few different creative environments and I can tell you that there isn't much typical male bs to be found. Everyone who gets that far is usually developed and educated well beyond that. Not to mention that there's lots of gays and women in media, print, advertising, etc. Just sayin', you might find a work environment that is a great fit for you.

[introvertguy]

I didn't mention that my parents don't live close to my work. My commute one way is over an hour! I am definitely feeling the anxiety from that!

[introvertguy]

I'm back at work after a week off. I don't like being around people. Just listening to my coworkers talk and how they act just turns me off socializing. I don't care about all the social airs people put on. I thought after high school people would be different... I thought adulthood would take me away from all the shallow, spiteful and generally abrasive and rude people. People don't come off as genuine human beings to me. All the crap we do to pretend we don't feel or think.

It doesn't help I work with a ton of immature college kids. I hate the mall unless I'm spending money. I just wish I could stay home and chill with my cat instead of deal with anybody. I'm highly introverted. Often I wish I could win the lottery or get a big inheritance, not to be rich but to disconnect from people.

[animasana]

I don't have any great advice. I just wanted to say that I can relate to your anxiety. I struggle with the same things. It truly is a great thing that you have supportive parents. My parents are most of the reason I have issues today, and living with them just adds fuel to the flame. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I find this forum strangely comforting, and I hope you find some comfort here too.

[with or without you]

Hi introvert.

I am a social phobic graphic designer as well. If you ever want some completely non-threatening sounding constructive criticism or just want to talk, send me a PM. I am very "loosely" working in the field. I say loosely because I picked a very safe position that would not challenge me or make me endure a lot of feedback or criticism. I completely empathize with your situation. Good luck.

[introvertguy]

I'm seeing a doctor on the 3rd to talk about my citalopram prescription and renewal. I've found that my symptoms have always persisted for the most part all these years. I want to ask the doctor what I've learned from my experiences with caffeine and fish oil supplements. In some instances with coffee or tea or chocolate my anxiety has temporarily gone away. I've been taking fish oil tablets 3 times a day with every meal for 2 weeks and have noticed symptoms of anxiety waning. Checking the internet I learned caffeine and fish oil effect dopamine levels. Some new research has noted that dopamine and not just seritonin can have serious impact on social anxiety. I'm going to ask the doctor about dopamine and if there's anything in the research. I heard there are dopamine re-uptake inhibitors. We'll see, I'm not the doc.

[SlatkaMala]

Oh man, I can so relate to your post. I struggle with a lot of the same things you do and have a lot of similar thoughts. And we have a lot in common with music tastes.

I really like your art work.

I wish that I can add some advice or whatnot, but I can't think of any at the moment. The only thing I can do at the moment is to tell you that you're not alone in feeling this way.

[Denver Dave]

Originally Posted by introvertguy

Some new research has noted that dopamine and not just seritonin can have serious impact on social anxiety. I'm going to ask the doctor about dopamine and if there's anything in the research.

Stimulants that stimulate the release of dopamine can have either negative or positive effects, depending on the drug. Too much caffeine can make you more anxious and exacerbate your social anxiety whereas amphetamines can give you more energy but at the same time, act as sort of a traffic cop for your thoughts. That's why they work for ADHD patients.

I'd suggest trying other methods first, though. Once you get on some of those drugs, it's hard to get off. I know someone who has been on one drug or another for over 30 years.

Try meditation and living your life mindfully to reduce your anxiety. It can actually change your brain chemistry naturally. Try out a meditation group. A lot of beautiful women go to those groups, so there's an additional benefit.