Anxiety "spells" **TW**

Hi, I've never posted in here before, so... a little about myself: bipolar, ED, ADD (OC traits); college student, great friends, love socializing. Unfortunately, I can't seem to be alone for more than a few hours w/o developing anxiety. Usually at times when I'm totally absorbed in something else (like studying). I'll just suddenly be overwhelmed by this feeling, and have to stop what I'm doing to calm myself down. Which doesn't last, either.

I've started taking my anxiolytic med again (Vistaril) but I really hate what it (or Xanax) do to me... I slept 15hrs today (didn't even wake up for the first 12). My mom stopped by woke me up, & for hours I was stumbling around, w/ "motor-retardation" (or whatever it's called)-- felt like I was intoxicated.

Anyway, I don't know what to do anymore w/ these anxiety "spells" -- I've tried everything (I use cognitive-behavioral type self-help stuff...like accepting/releasing anxiety vs. feeling out of control/helpless & focusing on stopping it). I've read that for all anxiety disorders perceived control is more important than actual control over anxiety, or situations in life. But none of this works, anymore. I'll go to a nice field to sit and study in the sun (to calm myself) but I feel physically horrible the whole time (like a knot in my mid-section, & sense of unease).

Of course, the instant I'm talking to, or around friends, I feel like my anxiety just melts. But comes back when they leave. I keep telling myself positive things about being alone, like that I should enjoy the peaceful silence, all of the self-reflection, & the ease getting to do whatever I want, whenever I want (school permitting). But it really doesn't matter. I live alone because I was becoming too needy w/ my friends (they seemed to be pulling away, & I was afraid of losing them).

Why is this happening?! I know that every thing's fine when I'm alone, but I can't get on w/ my life. I also have anxiety dreams & graphic nightmares of being killed/mutilated, or watching masses of ppl being killed (& I don't even own a TV, so never see violence). It seems I either experience anxiety at night, or in the day.
~Jessie

That sounds really frustrating, Jessie. A hard situation to deal with, especially in college. Forgive my not knowing, but are you working with a therapist/counselor? The CBT self-help stuff is a great idea, but if it's not working, maybe a therapist could you give you some ideas for other techniques you could use to help get this under control.

Hi jesseryn. Anxiety is the pits ! I remember the days I would feel if I were alone another minute, I would lose it, but if someone came to see me, I wouldnt let them in, because I couldnt deal with people either ! I am glad that you feel better around people tho.

Just wondering, have you known someone, perhaps someone you were very close too, who had something bad happen to them while they were alone ? Do you know, or could you ask, if anything happened to YOU while alone say in your room, at a very young age that you might not actually remember - but is lurking in your subconscious? Its interesting to me that it really goes away as soon as someone arrives at your home.

My Mom has been petrified of thunderstorms since she can remember. In fact, her fear became debilitating, and she underwent hypnosis. While under going the hypnosis, and mentioning it to her Mother (who was at least 80 at the time), her Mom laughed and said "I can tell you why you are scared of storms...you were struck by lightening while still in diapers - except it burned your diaper off". Mom could not remember that happening, but during the hypnosis, it came up. It was such a relief, she knew why she was so scared of storms (justifiably so), and with the hypnosis, her fear disappeared (too much so, she would not use common sense about 'don't stand under trees in a storm', etc. With a little tweaking during hypnosis, she regained her proper respect for storms, but the absolute terror was gone. I mention this solely as an example of something happening to us or someone we know at an early age that we ourselves dont remember. It might be worth a talk with your family members to see if you cannot think of a case that might have caused your fear of being alone.

I hope you can get some relief from this, and enjoy alone time. As for the nightmares, probably just a manifestation of your awake thoughts about being alone. (And hopefully somewhere in that lies a reason for the anxiety/fear)

I too am very sorry to hear your situation, I have PA's and wouldn't wish it on an enemy. Maybe another thing you could try is posting on here or reading other's post, especially the one asking what to do when anxiety hits. That way, you are alone, but not really alone. Does it help when you talk to someone on the telephone?????

Thank you both for your warm support -- it really helps to hear from other people who have been (or are) going through the same. I do see a psychologist, as well as a psychiatrist... unfortunately, the psychologist isn't very helpful (I really NEED to learn coping skills, and have someone guide me to change the false beliefs that I have -- like CBT...not just talking). I've tried to tell my psychologist this, and she did become more interactive (versus having me sit there the whole time talking) but still no behavior suggestions. I'm thinking it's time to move on.

To Parker10, that's really interesting about how one might have had a traumatic experience that they can't remember that led to the fear. I mean, I knew that this applied to children that were sexually abused, & other traumatic experiences, but I had never thought to apply it to my own fears. I'll check w/ my parents about this...

I have been told that I was extremely afraid of being set down (or having no physical contact) as a baby, and that it anyone could hold me to make me stop crying (not just a parent-attachment thing). This continued through childhood to an extent; but I have no idea what could have caused it. I know that when I was three, my dad & brother were in a serious wreck, & my dad was in the ICU for a month (w/ my mom away for most of the time...I rarely saw her for about two weeks, & for years afterwards she had PTSD). This seems kinda lame (not horribly/directly traumatic)...but I guess I had a disposition to react more severely to separation. I've been told by my T's that this caused my secure-attachment to be interrupted/not form completely.

But the good news: I haven't taken the Adderall in two days now, & haven't had bad anxiety. My boyfriend (live-in) just broke up w/ me, so I figure I should get over that before I try Adderall again. I'm also freaking myself out more by worrying about having more anxiety (after taking Adderall...or just in the evening) so I'd like to try to minimize everything that may cause it, so that I don't develop permanent anxiety triggered by these things/times. I'm also making permanent plans every evening, to have dinner w/ friends/family (I'm going to board at my friends' house). Hopefully a routine like this will calm my fears of being alone at night.

Thanks for Your Help!!
~Jessie

Hi Scaryangie (sorry, I began posting before your post was up). Thanks for the advice -- I hadn't thought of that, & I'll definately look into it. I've also had lingering anxiety, but nothing really debilitating, so all of this is kind of new to me.
It does help to talk on the phone with people, usually as much as seeing someone; unfortunately, it's hard to find a friend who even answers their phone (at times) so it's not something that I can rely on. I just don't understand why I can't comfort myself... I know that my friends/family care, but I feel abandoned, & like they're going to stop caring about me, unless I have the reassurance of a phone call/visit.

Thanks!
~Jessie

Hi again Jessie. I think you need to put your foot down with your therapist and PDoc and tell them what you have indicated here that you need from them! They work FOR YOU. Please mention the issue to them about the accident when you were 3 and your Mom being "unavailable" for quite some time afterwards. You may have answered your own question and you may indeed have separation anxiety. Three is the same age I was when my Mom was sick on the bathroom floor for 9 months carrying my sister. I dont actually "remember" it, but in therapy, talking with parents, and dealing with my panic and anxiety issues, I learned WHY I absolutely run in a wild panic if I hear someone being sick........and why I do not like my sister ! Its amazing how things that happen to us when we are so young can have such a lasting effect, and it makes me realize how absolutely horrible it must be for those who were truly abused !

Hi again! Parker10 is right. You really do have to be firm with Dr.'s and thearpists. We are not all the same and we all respond to different treatments. In the mean time, I have found for me that it does help to pour out your feelings by writing them down, or typing them here. If you are alone and have no one to talk to or call, try coming on here and typing exactly how you feel. Anything is worth a try when it comes to panic attacks right?